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MIDWIFE i- 

O R, 

Old Woman's Mag 




'<?S 

Sumgoufius, Vol.32. P. 6741*; 

Nm deficit altir '^■^^•r ■ 

Aureus IS fimili frandefdt vtrga nutalk. '■.'-■J " 
/'Virg. 
Jj for my JVorks in Verfe and Pro/e, ' 

Perhaps I am ho 'Judge of thofe^ V 

Nor do I care -what Critics thought 'em. 
But this I kmWi all People bought "tin. ■' 
Swiff. 



LONDON:- 
P/inted for Thomas Carnan, at J. Newbiry'b, the 
Biile and Sua, in St. Paul's Churcb-Tard. 175H '.. 



.«*■:{* 



^■<' 



Ci5 






The MIDWIFE; 

N U M B E R I. 



«■ 



-i&» 



V O L. II. 



rar 



^be genuine Memoirs and moji furprifing Ad* 
ventures of a very unfortunate Tye-Wig. - 

Communicated to Mrs. Midnight by the 

poor Sufferer. 

HAVING fomcBufinefs to tranfaS with 
my good Friend Mr. N e w b e r y, m 
St. PauV% Church-Yard^ I was tlie otbcr 
Day tempted by a fine Morning, to quit my Ilou^e 
in St. James^% Place, without my Chariot, and 
fairly tramp it for the B^-nefit of my Health. But 
before I had reach'd one thiid Part oi my Way, I 
was overtaken by a Shower, which obliged me to 
take Shelter in a cover'd Alley ; where i faw a Boy 
wiping a Gentleman's Shoes v/ith a Tve-Wig, hi 
crdcr to prepare them for the Operations of die 
Vox. XL B ^t>aSsi 



■Km 



1 The Ml U Iff IF E. 

Brufli. "On this Sight, I cou'd not help contem- 

, plating what a Multitude and Variety of Circum- 

itances this fame Wig had pafs'd thro' — and how, 

was I to follow the Example of the Writers of 

the laft Century, I (hou'd walk home peaceably, 

go to Bed, fleep fouAdly, and in the Morning 

write a Vifton upon this Occafion. But, as it hap* 

pens, that I have a fuperlative Contempt for thofe 

old cantidg Vifioiiaries ; I fhkll fslirly and fquarely,' 

without Apology, Preface or Preamble, give my 

^■ftcadcr the M e m o ir s of tWs Tyb-Wig, which he 

very civilly and withoijt S6Uicibltion deliver'd to 

>me 'iivtbe following Form of Words, 

Madam^ 
•« X7^ O U fee before you one of the moft un- 
** X fortunate Pieces of Hair that ever poffef- 
«< led the Capital of the humtin MiefOcofm,'*-*-^-*- 
Here I cou'd not' help interrupting his Tye-ship, 
and defired him to proceed in a more intelligible, 
and lefs pedantic Marnier, which He thus did ac- 
cordingly. " Madam, you wou'd have excufed 
*< my Stile had you known my Educdtiott, but 
'^ for your more immediate Satisfiidlionf I (haiU 
' << proosed with all the Simplicity inlaginable. At 
• •* my fir ft fetting out in the World I was the Pro- 
•< perty of a young Pbyfician, Who may with the 
*< ftriiftcft Propriety be faid to have tHhn his De- 
«« gree, becaufe it was given him by no Uiliverfi- 
« ty in the World : From the Gravity which I 
•< lent htm he got (bote Repute, and being withal 

«« a very 



the Ul^Vf IF K. i 

^ a very handfame Fcllo^, he was often con- 
<< fulted by Ladres of Diftinflion. However, 
*< the littk Credit he had with his Barber often 
'' threw me into very great and dangerous Dif- 
«* orders, and had not my Mafter been happily 
<< executed for poifonrng an old Citizen, who 
** ftood in the Way of a young BUod, my Mc- 
^ moirs might have ended here. — I was fold by 
«« my Matter's. Executioner to an eminent fecond- 
«« hand Hair-Mercham in Middle-Row^ Holbmi^ 
^ when? I fpent th^ long Vacation in great Tran- 
«< qtiillity 4 but at the Beginning of the Term I 
«« ^8 purthafed by i ybung Irijh Templar, and 
«< caird to the Bar along with him. Had Na- 
«< ture fufnifli'd the Infide of my Matter's Head, 
<< as ivell as Art by my Means did the Outfide, 
*< he by this Time might have been a Judge. •— 
<^ But, alas! having nothing but me and Impu- 
«* dehde on his Side, he was hifs'd out of the Court, 
«< Isugh'd dut Of the CofFee-houfe, and finally 
*< kick'd out of the Kingdom. As for me, I 
^* I was left wkh other EfFc<9s in the Hands of 
*' Mr. ♦**^ an emirteHt Pawnbroker, in *•*** 
*^ Jtreet^ Wefifnittfler^ from Ivhom I was redeem'd 
«' by Mr. Buileck the Player, who fold me to the 
<« Wafdrebfe-Kefepek' of one of the Theatre?* 
«* I may fay without Vanity, that I have aAed 
«' the principal Parts both in Tragedy and Come- 
*< Ay^ to -the Ssltfefaftioh of the Publick ; and 
«< teive crften, with the AfTiftance of flcilful Barbers, 
'* gainM an Apfbufe, in wltich ihe Ador that 

B 2 ^NQX• 



? Vhe MIDWIFE. 

«^ wore me,, had no Share; and from which I 
*' have fufficient Reafon to be convinced, that a 
** certain Quantity of Hair duly bedizened with 
*' perfumed Powder and Oil of fweet Almonds, 
V will do more upon the Stage than Graccfulnefs 
•« of A£tion, Propriety of Pronunciation, or any 
*^ other Theatrical Virtue whatfoevcr. You may 
•^ judge, Madam, how long and how fuccefsfully 
•* I fervcd the Patentee, when 1 aflure you I was 
<* fifteen Times new mounted while I continued 
< « in his Majefty 's^ervice. . At length one Garrick 
<* came in Pow'r, the Pupil of Art> the Son of 
•* Nature, and the Coufin*German ofShakefpear 
*< and the Paffions 5 Coats and Wigs which here- 
<« tofore were primary Qualities in afling, were 
<* now reduced to a fecondary State. The Theatre 
<< refcued from Jargon, Rant, and fenfelefs Show, 
«< now became the Temple of m^nly and ra- 
«< tional Mirth, and? the Vehicle of good Senfe 
<« and Morality. On this fatal Revolution I pru- 
«< dently abdicated, and was again fold to the 
«< Merchant of Middle-Row. My next Scene of- 
«^ Life was a Military one, for I was purchafed by 
** an Officer in the Welch Fuzileers, and expe- 
« rienc'.dull t^e Hardfliips of Wind and Weather, 
«• and fcrve4 ip the double Capacity of Caxon and 
<' Night-C^. I went thro' a moft furprifing Di- 
<< verfity of Accidents, there was hardly an Objedl 
« in Nature that did not occur to me, except a 
«< Block, a Powder-puff, and a Comb j at length 
^« \n the fatal Adijon of Font$noy^ 1 loft Part of 

<« my 



The MIDWIFE. $ 

•' my Fore-top and one of my Tails ; upon which 
« my Mafter prefented me to an old Serjeant^ 
** with whom I (hortly went Fellow- Penfioner to 
•« Cbelfea Hofpital. Here 1 remained about Two 
** Months, at length the Seijeant happening to be 
•< drinking a Pot of Porter at the World's End, 
•« a Perfon of a very fingular CharaSer came in, 
*< and after tippling pretty freely, fwopt with my 
<< Mafter for a Brown-bob and Eighteen-pence. 
<< My prefent Pofleflbr was a conftant Attendant 
^* at the Tempk' Exchange CofFee-houfe, and his 
*' Profeffion was of a Nature very extraordinary* 
** His Bufinefs was to affift the News-Writers In 
•* the Vacation, and other Times when there was 
•* a Dearth of Events ; he wou'd make you a 
** Plague at Cm/iantinoplezt a Minute's Warning, 
*^ and' for the Confiderartion of half a Crown 
^' wou!d dethrone the grand Signior, or kill you 
" an. hundred Thoufand 7^r//7rj. He was per- 
• < haps the only Man that knew the private Conver- 
** iations of all the Foreign Minifters at tht Hague j 
*^ and wou'd publifli you a Letter in the Daily* 
^* jidvertifefj in which he wou'd unlock the Ca- 
•** binets of all the crown'd Heads in ChriJIendom^ 
<* But one Night, chancing to fpeak difrefpeA- 
«< fully of the grand Monarch, a French Dancing 
«< Mafter took him by the Nofe, and threw me 
«< into the Fire : From this lamentable Cataftro- 
** phe. Madam, you may eafily account for my 
'** prefent Appearance. My Mafter never thought 
«' it worth his while to lattcmpt my Refcue, and 

B 3 ^^Wi. 



$ Tie MID W IF E. 

** had I not offended the Company with a dif- 
^^ agreeable Stink, fhouM have inevitably pe» 
'* ri(h'd in the Flames* I was kickt about the 
«* Coffee-houfe, and trod upon by People of all 
«' Ranks and Degrees for upwards of a Weeky 
** when a Country Farmer, a great OEconomift, 
*' one of whofe Maxims it was, that every Thing 
" had its Ufe, took me yp.by half of my only 
** remaining Tali, and put me into his Pocket. 
«^ As foon as I arrived in the Country I was fta« 
*^ tioned on a Mop-ftick, to fright the Crows 
** from a Pea-Field, in which Office I ferved for 
^^ about a Fort-night, but a Beggar Man coming. 
^^ by one Day, who had Difcretion enough to 
** think half a Loaf was better than no Breads 
" and any Thing of a Wig better than a bald 
«^ Pate, took me from my grand Polf, and placed 
^^ me upon his own Idea-Pot ^ which. Madam, 
** is a Philofophical' Name for the Head, This is 
^« the worthy Gentleman, whom you now fee 
'^ condefcending to amu& himfelf wilh cleaning 
<« the Shoes of Pcrfons of Quality » and ^o novr 
** employs me in the feryUe Occupation of being 
«^ the Harbinger of the Blacking-Ball, and Gentle* 
«^ man Ufher to a Bruib« 



I»# M I D W I F E. 7 

A JLetter from a La^y to a Maid Servant who 
hfid left her : In which is contaijied an ufeful^ 
Ltffonfor all Perfomin that St^ts of Life. 

Dear SA4.LY9 

Ilb4 your Lctiicr very fafe* an4 ^^' I ^^^^ 
failed to anfwer it before, yet my daily 
Prayers, and beft Wifties, have conftanily at-^ 
tended you. I truft you have the good Fortune 
to pleafe where you are, as I hear nothing to 
the contrary j I go by the old Sayln j, no News i» 
good News. If you. are ib happy as to be in l"a* 
vour With the good. Fa43ftiiy that you have the Ho- 
nour to fefve, I make no qaeflion of your con-* 
t^uiing in i$^ by a conftant Endeavour to de- 
ferve it. 

- I teld you above^ and I told you Truth, that I 
daily reaiember you in my Prayers ^ and, dear 
Sali/y at the iame Time I will not fuppofe that 
you forget to remember yourfelf. I fancy you 
lay wkb the other Maid, and know not that* 
you have aClofet or retiring Place to yourfelf , 
but whether you have or not, I intreat you, let. 
DO Preten<% whatever prevail on you to omit am 
indifpenfible Duty : X^et no falfe Notions of Mo- 
ioRy fiiffer you to negle^ an A6k\oa that :i» 
your utmoft Glory to perform ; I hope youir 
^low Servant thinks as flie ought on this Gkca* 
iion, but if (he be fo unhappy as not to do it^ 
endeavour to gain her over by youi* Example, but 

B 4 ba^H^:l^ 



8 ne M I D W I F E. 

beware of being perverted by hers : To wake in 
a Morning, and without addreffing the Throne 
of Grace to commit ourfelf to the Hazards of 
the Day^ is fiich a Degree of Impiety and Fool- 
hsrdinefs as (hocks one but to think on ; and furely 
it is equally the blackeft Ingratitude to clofe our 
Eyes at Night, without returning our unfeigned 
' Thanks for the Dangers yft have efcaped ; 
thofe Eyes^ for ought we know, may never be 
again unclofed in this World I was going to 

oiFer fome Advice of another Kind, but I recol- 
ledl that, perform but your Duty to your Crea- 
tor, and all the reft is included. 

Be fure in whatever you are about to do» 
think always on what is due to the Dignity of 
your Nature, Confider^ that although you are 
placed by Providence in the Degree of a Ser-. 
Vant, yet yoiir inomortal Soul is of an equal Rank 
with that of an Emprefs. This Counfel at the 
fixSt Glance may appear to encourage Prides but 
if duly attended . to, it will be far otherwife, and 
frrove the moft effectual Means to extlnguiih it> 
for a proper Confideration on the fevcral De- 
grees of Men in the Order the Wifdom of God 
has plac'd them with relation to this Life^ will 
teach you to cohdefcend to your Superiors with* 
out Meannefs, and learn you to diftinguifh ypur- 
ftlf from thofe below you without Arrogance; 
it /will liinderAdverfity. from oppreffing you i and 
if Profperity be your Lot (as I heartily hope it 
will) it wiU find you worthy of it 5 io a Word, it 
-. . wiU 



r^tf M I D W I F. E. o 

will make you; equal to good Fortune, and fuperior 
to ill, 

Mr. /Z'-T-'T- joins, me ;in beft Refpefls to your 
Matter and Lady, and Mr. — — j I defire you, 
.wbenei%r!you are inclined to write to me, that 
you would chufe out half an Hour when you 
can beft be fpared, and afk Leave ; this will fare 
you the Confuflon of equivocating, if you are 
demand^ what has been your Employment, and 
prevent your turning an indifFerent Aftion into a 
guilty one; for be fure never to forget your Time 
is not your own, but is entirely due to thofe 
you ferve, and that you can never employ any 
of it on your own Occafions without leave with- 
out being unjutt* Pray, good Sally^ think of 
that. 

I was concerned to find you had laid out {o 
much Money in Play-things, ^c. for the Chil- 
dren, however, acknowledge myfelf obliged to 
your good Nature ; I fhall take the Hint from 
you of fending this Free to London^ and fave half 
the Pottage J obferve my Method, and be not a- 
bove being taught by any one, any thing that is 
worthy the Trouble of Learning, no Matter who 
it is teaches, provided the InftrudJions arc 
good. 

Adieu, dear Sally ^ do me the Juftice to believe 
this Letter dilated from a Heart full of the 
warmeft Wiflies for your Welfare, from one who 
will always regard every Piece of Happlnefs that 

B 5 • befalls 



lo The M I D W 1 F E. 

befalls you as an additional one to herfelf ^ foct 
I sajOL 

tour wryfinare Priendy 

M. 



w^r^mmrmtrnt 



■Tt^'^'rwi u I iw 



* Fr4m the RAMBLE R; 

Jlurnh igitur contendere VerfAus amha 
Ccepere ; Alternos Mufat meminiffi volebant. 

Virg.. 

AMONG the various Cenfures, which the 
unavoidable Comparifon of my Perfor- 
mances,, with thofe of my PredecefTors has pro- 
duced, there u none more general than that of 
Uniformity, of the Want of thofe Changes of 
Colours which formerly fed- the Attention witti 
uiiexhaufted Novelty, that. Intermixture of Sub- 
jects, and Alternation of Manner, by which other; 
Writers relieved Wearinefs, and awakened Expec*- 
tation* 

I have, indeed, hithei;to avoided the Prafiice- 
ti uniting gay and folemn Subjeds in the fame 
Paper, bccaufe it feems.abfurd for an Author to* 
counteract himfelf; to prefs^ at once with eq^al 
Force upon both Parts o£ the intelle<Slu?J Balance, , 
and give Medicines, which, like the double 

• A Fa^er publiJFd evtry Tuefday and Saturday^ 
friu zd. 

Eoifoo; 



TBe MIDWIFE. m 

Foifon of Drydenj deftroy the Force of one an- 
other. I have endeavoured (bmetiaies to diverts 
and fometimes to elevate, but have imagined 
it an ufeleis Attempt tQ difturb Merrinient by 
Solemnity, or interrupt Serioufneft by Drollery, 
yet I fliKall this Day publilh two Letters of very 
different Tendency, which, I hope, Kke Tragic 
comedy,, may chance to pleafe even when they are 
|K>t crkfcajly appi'oved. 

Ta tA/ RAMBLER^ 

Tja O U G if,, as my Mamma tclla me, I 
am t<pQ young ip t^lji^stt tl^e Table,. I have 
gr^at PJteafur^in liftepipg tp the Cpnvcr(ation of 
l^ftffv^ Men,, efpcc^ly when- thqy difcourfe of 
Thiipg? M^ich I dp not uod^rffend, and have,> 
therefore, been of late particularly delightedt 
with many Difputes about the MteraUon of the 
Stiley whichaL.they^ fay, is to be dpne byAapf 
Parliament. 

One Diayy when my Man:ima was gone out 
pf the Room, I aflced a very great Scholar, what 
the Stile was. He told me, he was^ afraid t 
fliould hardly under ftand him when< he. informed: 
me that it was the ftatcd and eftablifhed Methodi 
pf computing Time. It was not^ indeed, likely 
that I fhould underftand hina-i ft>r„ I npver yet. 
knew Time computed ia. my Life, nor can ima- 
gine why we fliould- be at fo much. Trouble to> 
count what we. cannot keep.. He didu tvot. ^^ vxv»5 



12 .^.rke. M I D W I F E; 

whether we ^re tx> count the Time paft, or the 
Time to comci.but I have.confidered them both 
i by myrelfy and think it. as foolifh to count Time 
, that \s gone, as Money that is fpent ; and as 
for the Time which is to come, it only feema 
farther oiF by counting, and therefore when any 
Pleafure is promifed me, I always think as little 
of theTime.asIcan* 

Ihave fince liftened very attentively to every 
one that talked upon this Subjeft, of whom the 
greater Part feem' not to underftand it better 
than myfelf ; for though they often hint hoMT 
much the Nation has been miftaken, and rejoice 
that we are at laft growing wifer than our An-^ 
ceftors,'! have liever been able to difcover from 
them, that any Body has died the fooner for 
counting Tinte • wrong ; and, therefore, I J>egan 
to fancy that there was great Buftle with little 
Confequenc^. ' 

At laft two Friends of my Papa, Mt. Cycle and 
tAu' Starlight y being, it feems, both of high 
Learning, and able to make an Almanack, 
iegan to talk about the New Stile. Sweet Mr. 
S/ffr/Zg-fe— I am fure I fhall love his Name as 
}ong as I live, for he told Cycle roundly, with a 
fierce Look, that we fhoald never be right without 
a Tear of Confujion. Dear Mr. Rambler j did you 
ever hear any thing fo charming ? a whole Year 
mi Confufion ! When there has been a Rout at 
Mamma's I^Ji^ave thought one Night of Con* 
fofioa^WiMfth a thoufand Nights of Reft \ and 

3 furcly 



The M I D W I PR ij 

ftirely if I can but fee a Year o£ Confufion» 
^ whole Year, of Cards in one Room, arid Dan- 
cings in another, < here a Feaft, and there a Ma(^ 
querade, and Players, and Coaches, and Hurries^ 
and Meflages, and Millenersi and Raps at the 
Door, and Vifits, and Frolicks, and new Fa- 
ihions, I fhall not care 'what they do with the 
reft of the Time, n<»' whether they count it 
by the old Stile or the new, for 1 am refolved 
to break loofe from the Nurfery in the Tumult, 
and plain my Part among die reft ; and it will be 
ftrange if I cannot get a Husband and a Chariot in 
the Year of Confufion. 

CycUy who is neither fo young nor fo hand** 
fome as Star lights very gravely maintained, that 
all the Perplexity may be avoided by leaping over 
eleven Days in the Reckoning; and indeed if 
it fhould come only to this I tbink the new 
Style is a delightful Thing, for my Mamma fays 
that I fhall go to court when I am Sixteen; and if 
they can but contrive often to leap over eleven 
Days together, the Months of Reftraint will fooa 
be at an End. It is ftrange that with all the Plots 
that have been laid againft Time, they could 
never kill it by AS of ParKament before. Dear 
Sir, if you have any Vote or any Intereft get 
them but for once to deftroy eleven Months, and 
then I fhall be as old as fome married Ladies. But 
this is defired only if you think they wiU not com- 
ply with Mr. Starligbfs Scheme, for nothing 
lurcly could pletfc mie like a Year of Confufion^ 



g4 J»^ M t D W I F B. 

libcii I ftull no longer hfi 6a»d this Hour to myr 
P^b Mi ^h« ^^ ^ fi^y N^;«d)e,. 4nd yr^iit al: home 
fiur ttus I>uieiiig Mafter one Day, und the next for 
^ Mttfick Maft«r» i2ut ihio ^am &11 to Ball^ 
flttfl froox Driif» to» Prvfils ^nd-^pfiid all my 
time whJiQiMe T^sk^k ^ wi^thoMt Account, and 
^ out 'wtdiout'tieliiDg wtiitber» and come boinc 
vithout regurd to fureiciiifasd Hours or faouly 

S l&, 

&ut Humtle Servanty 

PllOPERANT^A,. 

B^. Rambler,. 

IWas feized thJ^ Morm'ng \^ith an upufgal Pen- 
flvenefs, and finding that Books only ferved to 
heighten it, took a B.amble into the Fields, i;i. 
Hopes of Relief and Invigoration from, the Keen- 
nefsof the Air and Brightnefs of the Sun. 

As I wandered wrapped up in- thought, my 
Eyes were ftruck with the Hofpital for the Re- 
ception of deferted Infanta, which I furveyed 
with Pleafure, till by a natural Train of Senti- 
ment, I began to refledl on the Fate of the Mo- 
thers ? for to what Shelter can they fly ? only to. 
the Arms of their Betrayer,, which perhaps are 
now no longer open to receive them ; and then? 
how quick muft be the Tranfition., from deluded 
Virtue to fhamelefs Guilt, and from fbamclels; 
Quilt to bogelcfs Wrctchednefa ?: 

^ ■ The; 



tbi UlDVflVE. ti 

The Angttifli diat I felt left me no Reft till I 
%aAy by your Meftas,^ addrefled mjfelf to tb6 
Publkk on fiefirif ^ of ' thofe forlorn Creatures, 
the Womciv of the Town ; whofe Mifcry herb 
might fiirely iii4uce ut to eikleavour,. aft leaft^.tfaejr. 
Prefervation from eternal Puntflunent*. 

Thefe w.cre all once, if not virtuous at Ifcaft. 
innocent,, and mi^t ittll have continued bianfei^ 
lefs and eafy^ but for. the Arts and Infinuadoni 
of thofe whofe Ranfe,4 Fortune;, or Educatibii* 
furnifhed them with Means to corrupt or to de- 
lude them- Let the Libertine relied a Moment 
on the Situation of that Woman, who being for-^ 
fiiken by her Corrupter, is reduced to the Ne« 
ceffityof turning. ProAitute for Bread, and judge 
of the Enormity of hia^ Guilt ^r the Mifery which. 
k produces.. 

It cannot be doubted but that Numbers fol4» 
low this^ dreadful Courfe of Life,, with Shame, 
Horror, and Regret; but, where can they hope 
for Refuge ? •* The World is not their Friend^ tfor 
« the World's Law.*'' Their Sighs, and Tears, 
and Groans,, are criminal in the Eye of 
their Tyrants,, the Bully and the Bawd, who 
fatten on their M^fery,. and threaten them with. 
Want or a Goal, if tfiey Ihew the Icaft Defign of 
efcaping from their Bondage* 

** To wipe the Teara from off all their Faces,'* 
is a Task too bard for Mortals ; but to allevia'^r 
tfie Misfortunes of others is often within the 
mofl: limitedPower^ yet the Opportunities whicl^ 



fife! WI;I3 WIFE. 

every Day afford^ of relieving the moft wretched 
of human Beings are overlooked and negleScd 
with equal Difregard ; : of Policy, and Good- 

. ; There are Plaices indeed, fet apart, to which 
tliefe unhappy Creatures may refort when the 
pifeafes of Incontinence fei^e upon them ; but, 
if, they obtain a Cure, to what are they reduced ? 
cither to return wixh the (mall Remains of Beauty 
to th^ir former Guilt, or perilb in the Streets with 
complicated Want. 

. How frequently have the Gay and Thoughtleft 
in their Evening Frolicks, feen ^ Band of t^efe 
miferable Females, covered with Rags, fliivering 
with Cold, and pining, with Hunger \ and, with- 
out either pitying thjcir Calamities, or refle&ing 
upon the Cruelty of thofe who perhaps, firft re- 
duced them by Careflfes of Fondncfs^ or Magnifi- 
cence of Promifes, go on to reduce others tQ the 
fame Wretchednefs by the fame Means. 

To ftop the Increafe of this deplorable Multi- 
tude, is undoubtedly the firft and moft preiBng 
Confideration. To prevent Evil is the great 
End- of Government, the End for which Vigi- 
lance and Severity are properly employed ; but 
furely thofe whom Paffion or Intereft have already 
depraved, have fome Claim toCompaffion, from 
Beings equally frail and fallible with themfelves. 
Nor will they long groan in their prefent 
Afflidions, if all thofe were to contribute . to 
their Relief, cl^C owp their. Ejcemption from the 

fame 



rhe M I D W I H £. tf 

fgme Diftrefs to fome other Caufe,^ than their 
Wifdom add their Virtue. 

Amicus; 



'/^ Letter from Mrs. Midnight to the 
College ^/ Phyficians, in which is -proved 
that Old Women and Nature are their 
greatefi Enemies. To which is added^ A 
modeji Propofal jor extirpating the oncj and 
fcr preventing the Operations of the other. 

GfHtUmen^ 

TH £ World in general.would be furprifed at 
vay addreffing you in this affectionate Man- 
ner, and fpeaking at the fame time fo difrefpe£l- 
fully as I am obliged to do of my own Sex, wero 
I not to offer fome Reafons to prove the Reditude 
of my Condu£^. I am. Gentlemen (and I wou'd 
have every Body know it) under the greateft Ob- 
ligations to your Fraternity ; and if, as a certain 
Author fays. Ingratitude be worfe than the 
Sin of Witchcraft, Jiire Gratitude will . be a fuffi- 
cient Flea for my taking upon me the Defence 
of your Charadlers, and your Profeffionj Cha- 
rallers that fland full in the Front of Fame, and 
a Frofeifion that has rais'd and fupported itifelf 
meerly by Art, h^s Qo Cpnne^oi) with^ or De- 



if M^tDWtFE. 

pendance on Nature, but is felf-exiftent^ and like 
a true Noun fubftantive ftdnds aIone» 

To^ffppvj^ ^hj8, and at the fame time to de- 
monflrate the Ufefulnefs of your Science, we need 
QAljriook back to the Days of Ignorance and Sim- 
plicity j thofe Days when the People had no 
Means of getting gcnteely out of the World, but 
^VQfle i4)ligcd ]to w^it till timj'wv^ carri^ off by 
i)iei^ old Asm 3 and t)iis di4i npt happen to fome 
tijyi they bad lived federal hundred Years ; nay, 
we have an Account of one old Fellow, Methw- 
J^lab^ I think his Name was, who lived to the 
Age of Nine hundred and ninety tiine. An e* 
vident Proof of their total Nfeglcd of Phyfick ! 
Difeafes they had in thofe Days, that is certain ; 
but.tben, its they had noPra£titioners in Phyllck 
to fupport thei)[), they were foon rooted out. 
TT)e Care of the Sick was the Province of the 
Old JVomani who, together with the Aid of one 
Iffiture^ ^6m you mky probjjbly have heard of, 
Ipoh cured tt^eir Patients : And fo ignorant were 
they gf the true Prijnciples of Pliyfick, that they 
depended entirely upon Experience, confultcd 
what they called the Symptoms, tp diftinguifli one 
D^fcafe from another, and when they had found out 
a Remedy that had cured njijeteen Patients pf any 
one Piftemper, they fooKfiify fuppofed the fanic 
Medicine would cur,e th^e twentieth. Thus they ig- 
ijpraotly wentpn, arid inordei* to convey this their 
Expiericnce, to Pofterlty, the I?ifea(es (with the 

Sympjtoms by which it might be known) the 

Remedy, 



ne MIDWIFE, A9 

j^medy, and the Succjeis were engrvf^n on Pi^ 
lars, or written on the Wajls of thdir Templ^ 
So that then there w^ no mofe Art requirqd to 
cure any Difarders tlwi th? re is now tg waljc oyjsg 
the New Bridge^ fFs^mift/itr. But when tjb^ 
JOawn of true medijcal i^nowl^g? appea^» whei) 
we began to difcover the wfi^Amiifs^l Op^ii^tipn of 
every Medioitf^ wi to find o^t t)^ l^^^t Ca^jiiif 
!of evcrjr Difta/bs Phyficjc was no moie ^at Cupar 
fie filly Thing ; for ^t true aipd inviocible EDif 
jToes of the ScieoyQe ii^up^iately called in tb^ 
meckaAical Laws, and an ing^piou3 and ufefuj 
Applicatien was m^de of the Momenta of th^ 
fimisy £ylindem» Triangles, Siines, Taog^nts 2^ 
£ecaatB» Lrovwrs, Rppes aiyl PuUies. MiUftooe^ 
were farougjht into the Stofl^ach» Flint and Steell 
into the Blood Veflel^, aiid Hammer ^d Vice 
into the Lun^; and now People began to dieia 
a neafonable Tio^e^ and tbe Son ha4 fonae hopes gf 
enjoying his Father's Eftate before he himfelf waf 
an old Maa. Happ^y 't^oy^ld be C^r us, if Pbyfick 
-tvas to reft be(e { llapf y iwouldi it he jf s^l t^ 
£ick were coouaaitted. tp your Care^ oljiged Uf 
fwallaw your Prefcriptions, and no Innovators peN 
jnittedto break in uppo your Pra£Hce« Bu|^ fo if 
is, and I am forry to fyiy it, there are certain olfl 
fyimeH^ho have had a Ceferipuon of (^feafes 9i»4 
Remedies for than h^ded d^wn from tb^ir fooir 
iOi Predeceflbrs, with which they ewe P^tiel9t^ 
after they have been carried throiigb the f^gular 



20 ne MIDWIFE. 

Forms of Phy(ick$ and have been confign'd to 
Death by the moft knowing of ye alK 

Mr. fFilfon t'other Day coming off a long Jour- 
tiey, was taken very ill, his Father immediately 
fcnt for a Gentleman of the Facility, who order'd 
twenty Ounces of Blood to be taken from him, 
and then prefcrib'd him Sixteen BUfters and a Vo- 
itiit. But his Grandmother (a mere old Woman) 
came in at that Inft'aht, • and, upon examining 
Jthe Patient, found that he had rode eighty Miks 
that Day, and, as he was well in the Morning 
*^hen he fet out, ilie concluded that his lU- 
nefs, and the fainting Fit he had, was occafion'd 
Mj the Fatigue of the Journey. She there^ 
ifore fct afide the Prefcription; nor wou^d (he 
ftiffer him to be blooded, but order'd him to Bed, 
"pve him fome warm Whey with Hartfhorn Drops 
in it, and lo in the Morning he was well. -^ Now 
here was a good job fpoil'd by the Interpofition of 
an old WonUan. 

' Mrs. Mary Ofove was fei*'d with a Diforder 
which bereft her of her Senfes> fhe was abfolueely 
mad for fome Months, and attended by feveral of 
i7»r Faculty, but the Difeafe was too obftinate to 
be removed - till Gtf©^ C«r/iV was caird in; who, 
when fhe had a ludd Interval, defired to fpeak to 
her. Thi^ old Woman alk'd her a (Jueftion, 
which was dnly proper to be {iut to'a Woman, and 
vpoh Cnquiry found ouC the.Caufe of hcr-Diforder, 
end with fome gentle Cathartics and Steel, the 
I-unalic was foon reflor'd. Now is not this pro- 
voking ? 



TJrMIDWIFE-i 21 

voicing ? And if thefe old Jades are fuiFered to go 
on*, in this Manner, true Phyfick will be turn'd 
topfey turvey, and all our valuable and eflential 
Greek and Latin Terms will be laugh'd at. 

Befldes thefe Twom Enemies of yours, there is 
another combined with them, who is altogether as 
powerful and as much to be guarded againft, and 
that is N>ATUR£ ; for ihe works in the Dark like a 
Mole under Ground, and ufes a tboufand little 
Tricks to baffle your Abilities. 

Mr. Johnfon was feiz'd with a violent Diforder 
in his Head and Stomach, and, ad he was a rich 
Man, they call'd in my worthy and learned Frienjd$ 
Dr. Emetic, Dr.StrDoaiFic, Dr. Cathartic, 
and Dr. Blister. As the Gentleman w^ in 
imminent Danger they were defif'd to be fpeedy in 
their Conference. The firft Point to be fettled was 
who fhou'd write, which, after each had pleaded 
his Preeminence about an Hour, was agreed on ^ 
and Dr. Emetic, after (baking his Head a con« 
fiderable Time, obferv'd, that it was an ExfoUw 
tion of the Glands^ which j like the broken Wheels 
cf a Watch^ being unable to perform their Office^ 
the unconco£fed Matter had fallen upon the Meni'* 
branous Coats of the Inte/lineSy and caufed a Lace^ 
ration which mufl be removed by ^ Vomit. Dr. 
Sudorific faid, it was a Pleurifie in the Thigh^ 
which he was for fweating away* In fhort, they 
were all four of JFourteen different Opinions, and 
^hen Arguments fail'd. Arms were called in to 
their Aid \ and the Room was foon ftrew'd with 

di(lQQa!iL« 



ii 9ie HID WIFE. 

^adfcatfa^^JiAcfl, Trfg&ofWigs, and ©fhef Maria 
^ i /uHoui Shgft^Afetit. During fbls S^abble, 
l(ri//«^/ exckcd i« the Pitient a powerful Purging, 
and he was io ^6ll rtoover'd before the Fray wlis 
6Ver, ihat be fkirly gdt up and run aWay, and by 
fitat Mekri^ ^ttfd^^ - bmh his life lind his Mo- 
htf. 

' Thefe, GehfldttiiJi, are fome of the fly Tricks 6f 
Nature j %h6 i» «^i;r erideavouring to baffle yoUf 
Art, and give the Wdrld a mean Opinion of 
j^%fttt ^^tiinfgV thaiC ihe faerfelf forfooth may be 
ihbii^t 'dfe ^llif Pfayfickin : And I beHeV^ fiORi 
#d^iig, ^e^ti(faringy and re-coAfid«fing what I 
kdit Mi^ ybtt win fifld that 0£/ ^^/t^ und Ne^ 
iUre tte ^^ ^atdft Eneifties ; and if tfter D^li* 
htxiiA6n afid Confultation you find ^hi^ to be true^ 
I wott'd fatiilibty pfop'ofe that the firft may be en- 
4irdy tfxttrpa^ed, sifd the Operations of the laft 
«riy bb as nifrch ^ ^(5(fiUy prevented : And how 
(his nniy be nkift -dTtfdifally accomplifh'd, I fhall 
IJghify to jtvt ill toy ne^t ; for I have always your 
Welftire at Flea^t J arid Sa^ upoh every Occafioi\ 
te TtiAy to ti^fy Wich what Truth and Sihceri^ 
I a^ 

y^9Ur very affe£lUnate Friend^ 

*M. Midnight. 



The 



ne, MID WIF E» 



^3 



afS^ It6h of Scribbling ;pi^eJ ta ic 

catching. 

^H AT this Oifordcr, like many 6f fhe tutit- 
neous Kind is catctiing, may I think be prbv* 
ed from ^Mukitude of Cafes that have lately fallen 
under my Cognizance ^ and whoever confiders the 
Nature, and bad Effe^s of it, will fee alfo the 
Keee&y of this Inveftigation. Front a thoufand 
Inflances that I have at hand, I ftiall fele£t but a 
few ; the ftr/l I fliafl introduce is the Ciaife of 
Mr. y. Hoheyfuckle^ who was original^ a Barber 
near tlie 'Temple ^ and a .good Honeft Man, {Rat 
bad no mdre to fay fbr hiiiifelf than other People, 
'dQ Ke became acquainted wiA the IMfaftef df 
George" 5 Cajfee-houfe^ and was called ih to fhaVe 
the Wits. Inhere is fomefhing very powerful 
and a:ffonlfliing in the Nature arid Aaioli of the 
Effluvia which afcends frorfi ccrfairi B6cR6S, ^c(*I 
doubt not biit it was the Ejftuvia that ^fcerifd^id 
from the Heads of thefe People t^hife yohn Was 
(having them, 'thit ^Srroiight this tfckllfig Irri- 
tation in his Fahey, tvA bfdUght dft him the Itch 
of Scribbling. Ahd p^rhiaps it is alfo owing to the 
Effluvia that di^dpi;Jed ft6m the Bfalns Of JohH^ 
which has afFeft'ed liiatty 6f the Members of th^t 
Society wifh the terrible tJJegfee Of Dulnefs they 
A prlferit pofleft. Wheft I Ictfk into itiy Bo6rk of 
Mechanics, fe^d dVer the LaWs of Motion, and 
find 'that all Bodied idt recipfocally dn each other, 

thit 



.^4 ne Mi D WI F E. 

that the Horfe draws as much as the Log, and jt&c 
Xogas the Horfe,' I am confirmed in this Opinion : 
But what this Effluvia can be, or of what Sort of 
Materials it is compofed, no Man can tell, Do£bor 
Puzzle, indeed, affirms, " That it is the Quin- 
•* teffence of an Eflehce, which being fpecifically 
«« lighter than the heavier Parts, flies ofF one Bof- 
<« dy, like Jlchohol J and infinuates itfelf into ano- 
<* ther Body fome how, and fomewhere, fo that that 
<« Body is affefted with it." But as the Doftor's 
. Definition does not much afie£t or in{(ru£): me, I 
muft beg Leave to retain my old Opinion, till I 
can find a better,, and to conclude that this Efflu- 
via is a Sort of.Animalcula, or Maggot, which 
infinuates itfelf through the Pores of the Skin 9 and 
the only Difference between this Itch and the other 
is, that the Animalculae in this are finer, and have 
tl^ Po^er of infinuating themfelves through both 
tlie Skin and theSkull ; and this I think will plainly 
appear, when we confider the Manner and the dif* 
ferentDegrees of Infedion. Mr. Kenderico was born 
of honeft Parents, who put him Apprentice to a Rule* 
maker, hoping thereby fo far to have provided for 
him, thathefhouH have lived in the World, enjoyed 
a Cut froni a hot Joint of Meat every Sunday y and 
have had a new Coat every Eajier in the Year: But, 
unfortunately for this poor Man, a Poet came in- 
to his Matter's Shop, during his Apprenticefhip, 
and, while he was bargaining for a black-lead 
Pencil, receiv'd a Meflage from the Mufes, that 
precipitated him away without his Hat, which was 

carry*d 



ne M 1 D W I F E. 25 

•carried after him by Mr. Kendericoj who, as it 
. then rained, very inadvertently put it on his own 
Head, and, by that Means, contracted this terrible 
Diforder, which indeed has been the more fatal to 
him, on Account of liis Trade; for the Effluvia 
of the Brafs ufed in the Joints of his Rules, has 
fo cafe-hardened his Face, that 'tis become abfo- 
lutely callous, and knows no more the Vermilion 
.Tin^ure -Huflied by the native Force of Modcfty, 
■^han the Defarts oi Barca do of the Bloom or Fra- 
grancy of the Rofe : Befides the Effluvia from the 
Lead of his Pencils and other Inftruments,- inter- 
mixing itfelf with the reft, preponderates all to the 
Bottom^ every Thing he fcribbles finks into Ob- 
livion, and yet the Inciution coatinue9 on the poor 
Wretch, and puihes him on towards his own De- 
Urudlion. 

Stampero^ though a Boy of no Talents^ 
Tafte, or Genius in the World, is. afflifted with 
this Diforder ; which Doi^or Rocko,^ who attended 
him, afTures me was caught only by.packijig up 
Magazines, the dullcft Things jn the Univerfe 5 
•and this pitiful Creature* is now in a deplorable 
State, ever attempting to do fometbin^, which 
always ends in nothing; foe his Lines are 'as void 
of Meaning as his Advertifements arc of Manners, 

But if we leave thefe Wretches, who are the 
Drofs of Mankind,, and afcend to a higher Sphere, 
"we ihall fee the fame Traces, the fame wonderful 
EfFcfts of the Effluvia. This is to be difcover- 
cd ^ven in the inimitable Mr. Sedgly 5 who, 

^ -thou^ 



t6 MIDWIFE. 

though a Pcrfon incomparably above thofe I haVc 
already quoted, and whofe Pen, though infinitely 
fupcrior not only to them, but to moft of our mo- 

• dcrn Scribblers, is neverthelefs indebted to the 
Effluvia evaporated from the Wits he has been 
almoft continually in Company with : It was from 
ihem he imbibed this Cacoethes of Scribbling, and 

. we may ver}' well account for the Difference be- 
tween bis Writings and the Performances of the 
Perfons I have mentioned above, if we confider 

f that Nature has given him an extenfive Propor- 
tion of folid Underftanding, and that he has long 

■ been a Companion not only for the Wits of the 
Times, but for the Men of Senfe. His Poem on 
Mr. ff^oriU^€y the ingenious Painter over the Little 

. Piazza f in Covent-Gerdmy is an evident Proof of 
his Genius, his Learning, and his Judgment m 
the Polite Arts; and in his Pamphlet intitled, 
•* Ofafervatiohs on Mr. Fielding*s Enquiry" there 
are uncommon In^ances of his Knowledge of Man- 

. kind, as well as of his Sagacity and Penetration 
into the Laws and Polity of his Country. 

But what more fuUy^ aAd beyond allContradi^lion, 
proves *this Diforder to be contagious, is the Cafe 
of this gentleman's Dog Colebrooky who from only 
lying under the Table where the Wits ufually meet, 

^4nd by walking out with his Friend B r, is be« 

come one of the moft eipinent Writers of the Age, 

. and has penned one Piece which has been received 
.with Commenjiations even by the ingenious Au- 
thors 



The MIDWIFE. a; 

tfiors of the Student, iK^ho have inferted it in 
their admirable ColleSion. 



4 few Thoughts concerning Elegy- Writing. 
By il4^j. Midnight. 

WA S I difpofed to treat this Subject in a 
methodical Manner, I (hou'd be gravelly 
at the firft fetting out, for the Inventor of thb 
Kind of Writing is entirely unknown, and for 
this Aflertion I have no Jefs Authority than that of 
Horace* 

^is tamen exiguos ilegos gmijirit Author 
Grammatlci certant ^ aihuc fub judic$ bis ejt. 

That is, then it a great Contejl among the Criti^s^ 
which is /nil undecided^ who was thg jirjl Inventor 

p^ Piddling Elegies. 

That Horace had ^ very mean Opinion of tbi| 
Sort of Compoiltion^ is dear from his contemp* 
tuous Manner in fpeaking of it. But what in tht 
Name of Phcebus wou'd he fay, was hc( alive to 
perufe the Produ£is of the prefent. Monody* 
mongers. What miferable, infipid, unanimated 
Stuff are we pefter'd with f It is a ftrange thing 
that People will not refled, that though this is th« 
xneaneft Species of Poetry, 'tis ftill a Species of 
Poetry, and confequently requires very exa{^ed 
Taknts : No Matter for that — Away we go on, 

Ca l^cck 



. J 



28 ne M I D W I F E. 

Neck or Nothing, without either Senfc, Genius, 
or Learning 'Gentle Reader, Do you chufc 

a little Imagery from one of thefe exquifite Bards 
-Here it is for you. 

f H^rd byaftrange fantaftic Group appear. 
Wan Cowardice, each Moment changing 
Seat ; 
Vfesk Apprehenftoriy pricked in the R«ar, 
. And fober Melancholy, Mother of Conceit^ 

And prefently after — — - 



Liook now where tip-toed Fear with fhiv'ring 

Lips, 
Has turn'd the Key, and wide her Portal 

(lands % 
Quick Apprehenfion in before us trips. 

And bids us follow with her beck'ning Hands. 

If the Gentleman had fearch'd the whole Lan- 
guage for an Epithet for Fear, he cou'd not 
have found one fo unapplicable as Tip-toed. 

But poor Apprehension ! fo inhumanly has he 
treated her, that fhe is exaftly in the fame dif- 
aftrous Cafe as the Dragon of Wantley^ id the old 
Ballad— Pricked in the Rear-*— upon 
.which he makes his Complaint X^VLi.' More in 
the following Monody. 

f KenriclC^ Monody ^ Page the i6th. ^ 

Oh 



' ne MIDWIFE. 2^ 

Oh More of More-Hall 
Thou fad Raf call 

I with I had feen thee never ^ 
With the Thing in thy Foot, 
Thou haft Prickt my A E-GuTy 

And I am undone for ever- 

It muft be acknowledged, in Juftice to Mr. 
Kenricky that his Piece is very equal, and' thor^ 
he is an infufFerable Poet, yet he's a very com- 
mendable Rule-maker, and underftands black 
Lead Pencils. 

N. B. Mrs. Midnight does not intend, by 
what {he has faid on MonodieS and Elegies, to re- 
fleft upon Mr. Ralty whom- fhc efteema as a verjr 
good Writer.. 



M'S^ MiDNiGHT^s Letter to the Ghoft of 
Alexander the Great. 

On the SubjeSt of Glory. 

HAD I been fo unfortunate, as to have lived, at 
the fame Time with your Worfhip, I fhou'd 
have waited upon you in Perfon, becaufe nothing is 
more liable to Mifinterpretation than a Letter. But 
as Matters now ftand, Correfpondence muft fupply 
the Place of Converfation j and Dr. Brimjione has 
informed me, that anEpiftle, diredled to Alexander 
the Great^ at his Chambers in Hell, will certainly 

C 3. ^^xw^ 



3« n» MIDWIFE. 

come fafe to Hand. I hare conrulted a good ma* 
ny Cafuifts on the Subjeft of Glory, but never 
received any tolerable SatisfaSion from the moft 
expert of them. As you was the greateft Afpircr 
after it, I make no queftion but your Mailer 
AriJlotU gave you an accurate Definition of it, 
which I (hall take as a particular Favour, if you'll 
communicate to me ; for my own Part was 1 not 
certified by the Writing? of ^intus Curtius and 
others, I fhou'd have concluded, that you was bc- 
^ot by an ffcUenUt^ bom of a Tygrefs, and 
educated by a Butcher. If a Maa murders his 
Neighbour, he is try *d, condemned, executed, and 
J)ung in Chains with a very little Geremony : But 
if he murders Ten Thoufand Men, then it be- 
comes Glory, and you have all the Poets, Painters, 
Printers, and Priefts to celebrate him for the Good 
he has done. •— According to this Rule, I look 
upon you to be the beft Man that ever liv'd, but 
according to the Rule of Humanity and Common- 
Senfe, I believe you to be the grea4eft Scoundrel 

that ever exifted. 

Tour Servant, 

M« Midnight. 



/I Country Justice, a True Story. 

BESET with Books, but little Law, 
I on#c a Country Juftice faw, 
A lighted Pipe regal'd hi? Nofe, 
A Mug of Ale difpcird his Woes ; 



His 



rbe MIDWIFE. 3c 

His Face like Morning Sun appear'd, 
An Elbow Chair his Body rear'd : 
Before this Man of Law was brought, 
A Girl, who in the FacSt was caught : 
Juftice firft took a Swig of Ale, 
Then bid the Wench begin her Tale ; 
Leer*d at the Girl, each Word flie fpoke, 
-Quite tidied at the fmutty Joke ; 
Made her the lufcious Tale repeat. 
And when, and how, was done the Feat : 
Thus warm'd, he takes the Wench afide» 
Tells her far worfc will her betide j 
That Bridewell irtftant is her Lot, ' 

Unlcfe fhe'll let him you know what. 

• \. 

A very pretty Rafcal ! J fine Fellow this to pre^ 
ferve Peace^ and proteSf Virtue and Modefty j / 
have a great Mind to put the Rogue^s Name aifult 
length. 



■*-* 



LoVuLY HARRIOTE. 
A Crambo Song hy Mrs. Midnight'j Nephew. 

I. . 

GREAT Pbabui in his vaft Career, 
Who forms the felf-fuccecding Year, 
Thron'd in his Amber Chariot, 
Sees not an ObjeiS half fo bright. 
Nor gives fuch Joy, fuch Life, fuch Light, 
Af dear delicious Harriote. 

C4 IL 



i 



32 7be MIDWIFE. 

II. 

Pedants of dull phlegmatic Turns, 

Whofe Pulfe not beats, whofe Blood not burns,. 

Read Malhranebe^ Boyle^ and MarriotCy 
I fcorn their Philofophic Strife, 
And. ftudy Nature from the Life, 

(Where moft flie fhines) in Harriotet 

in. 

When fhe admits another Woer, 
I rave like Shakefpear*s]Q2lou^ Moor^ 
And am, as ranting Barry hot ; 
True, virtuous, lovely was his Do^e, 
But Virtue, Beauty, Truth, and Love,, 
. Are other Names for. Harriou^ 

IV. 

Ye honeft Members, who oppofe. 
And fire both Houfes with your Profe^. 

Tho' never can ye carry ought ; 
You might command tho N>itions Senfe^ 
And without Bribery convince. 

Had you the Voice of HarrioU* 

V. 

You of tb6 Mufick common weal. 
Who borrow, beg, compofe, or fteal 

Cantata, Air, or Ariet ; 
You'd burn your cumbrous Works in fcore^ 
And fing, compofe, and play no more, 

If once you heard my HarrioU. 

Were 



?fe M: I I> W r F E. 33 

^ vr. 

Were there a Wretch, who durft eflay 
Such wond'rous Sweetnefs to betray, 

Vd call him an If car tot ; 
But her ev'n Satyrs can't anney. 
So ftridly chafte,. tho* kindly coy,, 

Is fair angelic Harriott. 

vii: 

While Sultan^v Emperors, and King^- 
(Mean Appetite of earthly Things) 

In all. the Wafte of War-riot 
Love's fof ter Duel be my Aim, 
Praife, Honour, Glory, Conqueit, Fame,., 

Are center'd all in Harriote. 

VIII. 

I fwear by. Hymen^ and the Pow'rs 
That haunt Love's ever-blufhing Bovsr'rs,, 

So fweet a Nymph to marry ought i 
Then may I hug her filken Yoke, 
And give the \z% the final Stroke, . 

T'accomplilh Jpvely Harriati., 



CLs, Qb 



S+ The M I D W I F E. 

On jeeing Mifs H P 1, in an Jp9h 

thecary's Shop. 

FAllacious Nymph, who here by Stealth, 
Would fccm to be the Goddefs Health ! 

MafkM in that divine Difguife, 

Think'ft thou to Tcape Poetick Eyes ? 

Back, Sinn — fori know thou 'ft ftray'd. 

From the harmonious Ambufcade ; 

Where many a Traveller, that took 

The Invitation of thy Look, 

Has felt the Cozenage of thy Charms, 

Tickled to Death within thy Arms. 

Know, that I faw you Yefter-Night, 

At once with Horror and Delight, 

Drag Luna from her heavenly Frame^ 

And out-fliine her when flie came. 

Yes, Inchantrefs, I can tell 

How by the Virtue of a Spell, 

Qoath'd like Cherub-Innocence, 

Here you fix your Refidencej 
. That fecurely you may mix 

Your Philters in the Streams of Styx\ 
f.And have at Hand, in every Part, 

^Materials for yt)ur magic Art, 

Foffils, Fungus's, and Flow'rs, 

With all the fafcinating Pow'rs. 

God of the prefcribing Trade, 

Dbftor Phoehusj lend thine Aid; 

If thou'lt fome Antidote dcvife, 

I'll call thee Harvey of the Skies ; 

Or 



ne MIDWItTE. ZS 

Or (for, at one Glance, thou can'ft fee 

All diat is, or that fhall be. 

Intentions rip'ning into Ad, 

And Plans emerging up to Fa£ljf 

Look m her Eyes, and thence explain 

All the Mifchief that they mean. 

Say in what Grove, and near what Trees 

Will j(he feek the Hippomenes. 

There, there I'll meet her, — there 1*11 try 

Th' aflwafive Pow'r of Harmony. 

I think I've got an Amulet, 

That will her Rage awhile abate. 

No — all Refiftance is in vain ■ ■ ■ 

Charmer I yield -^^ 1 hug my Chain ; 

Alas ! I fee 'tis to no End 
With fuch PuifTance ito contend ^ 
For fince continually you din^ell 
In that Apothecary's Cell 5 
And while fo ftudioufly you pry 
Into the fage Difpenfary, 
And read fo many DodoA Bill, 
You learn infallibly to kilL ■ 



A 

i 



T0 Mrs. Midnight. 



Madam, 

IT is an AfTertion of Mr, Vohaire\ that Ha* 
^/3r/7i qumpt .po^bly be tranflated into any 
other Language, without lofing all the Drollery 
and Spirit of the Original \ which perhaps you 

C 6 wifl 



i6 fthe MIDWIFE. 

will not fubfcribe to without feme Hefitatioii) whent 
you perufe the following Lines^ which were adhial-^ 
ly render'd extempore by a Gentleman of Cam* 
bridge. 

, So learned Taliacotius^ from 

The brawny Part of Porter's Bum,^ 
Cut fuppleiliental Nofes, which 
Shou'd laft as long as Parent Breech : 
But foon asi Date of Knock was out^. 
OfF dropt the fupplemental Snout. 

Sic Taliacoti ars arnica 
Viftoris parte de poftica, 
Faliis invenit carnem nails,. 
Quae duret tamdiu, quam Btijis : 
Sed roftrum panli ruina 
Cum cluoe peHit confobrina. 



.?> Mfs A Hv 

« 

I. 

LONGr with undiftinguifli^d Flame 
I lov*fi each fair, eadi witty Jfemej 
My Heart the Belle-Aflembly gain'd. 
And 4II an equal Sway maintain'd. 

II. 
But when you came> you flood t^tSt& 
Sole Sultana of my Breaft^ ' 



For 



fke midwife;. sf: 

For you eclipsed, fupremely fair. 

All the whole Seraglio there. « 

in. 

In this her Mien, in that her Grace^ 
In a third I lov'd a Faces 
But you in ev'ry Feature ihine>. 
Univerfally divine 

IV.. 
What can thofe tumid Paps excell,. 
Do they fink, or do they fwell? 
While thofe lovely wanton Eyes 
Sparkling meet them, as they rife*. 

V. 
Thus in filver Cynthia feen: 
Glift'ning o'er the glafly Green*, 
While attraflied fwell the Waves, 
Emerging from their inmoft (i!aves,. 

VI. 

When to fweet Sounds your Stepf yon fuit 

And weave the Minuet to the Lute,. * 

Heav'ns ! how you glide ! — her N/ck— ber. 

Cheft, 
Does Ihe move, or does fhe reft? 

VII. 
As thofe roguifliEyes advance. 
Let me catch their fide-long Glance^. 
Soon — or they'll elude my Sight, 
Quick as Lightning and as bright. 

VIIL . 
Thus the bafhful Pleiad peeps. 
Charms her Moment, and retreats s 



a^ Tie MID W IF t. 

Then peeps again,— then (kulks unfeen, 
Veil'd behind the azure Skreen. 

IX. 
Like the ever-toying Dove, 
Smile Immenfity of Love; 
Be Fenus in each outward Part, 
And wear the Veftal in your Heart. 

X. 

When I aft a Kifs or fo 

Grant it with a begging no. 

And let each Rofe that decks your Face, 

Bluib afTcnt to my Embrace. 



The Miser and the Mouse. 

« * 

An E p-i G. R A M from the Greek, 
* iBy iArs. Midnight. 

^■^0 a»Moufe, fays a Mifer, *« My dear Mr. 
: Moufe, 
*« Pray what may you pleafe for to want in my 

Houfc ? 
ISays the Moufe, ** Mr. Mifer, pray keep your- 

felf quiet, 
«« You are lafe in your Perfon, your Purfc and 

your Diet, i 

^ A Lodging I want, which ev*n you may afford, 
^ But none wou'd come' here to beg, borrow, 

or board* 

^ . . The 



rbe MIDWIFE. 35 

ni Midwife's Politicks : Or, Gojpp^s Chr$^ 

nicle tfthe Affairs of Europe. 

Spain. 

WE are dill informed of the Aagtnentation of 
the naval Force of this Country. The Bri- 
tifh Mioifter has prefented another Remondrance a« 
gainft the Spanifh Privateers and Gaarda Codas inoleft. 
ing the Navigation of the Britifh Subjeds in the Ame- 
rican Seas ; and alfo fome Remarks relating to the Right 
of Navigation in the Bay of Hondaras, which makes it 
reported that his Catholic Majedy has fent Orders for 
punidiing with Death fuch Commanders of Guarda' 
Codas as have a£led with Illegality to the Britidi Mer- 
chants. There is a Rumoar of another Negotiation car« 
tying on between Mr. Keene and the Spanidi Minidry, 
which is conjectured to be another definitive Conventioit 
for explaining the lad. But any old Woman^ without 
the Spirit of Divination^ may reality perceive that the 
fagacious Spaniard will dill temporize with the Court of 
London, and perhaps make Don Benjamin an old Wo« 
man in good earned ; for the Spaniards are now relieved 
from the Load of Petticoat Government, and the Far. 
Befe Loquacity is vanidied from the Cabinet where the 
natural Gravity of the Country is refumed. 

Italy. 

The holy Succedbr of St. Peter intends to make a 
Promotion of nine Cardinals, to the vacant Hatsj 
but Benedi£l XIV. has too great a Difcernment to let; 
any other old Woman into the Conclave, and give ut 
another Pope Joan. Indolence and Luxury are the Pod* 
erers of Pride, and this has occafioaed the ambitious Sons 
of the (acerdotal Purple, to foUidt the Catholic Powers 
to grant their Eminenca the PrecedC9C7 of Rank from 

' thdr 



■j0 ne M I D W I F E. 

their Ambafladon wkere^ver tkey meet ; but his Saf4 
dinian Majefty does not feem inclinable to gratify their 
Vanity, and it is expeded they will be equally difap* 
pointed at other Courts. The other Powers of Italjr 
bare nothing to incite our Curiofity at prefent;. 
but I cannot help obferving, if thefe States were as una- 
nimous in their political Intereft as in their Religion,, 
that a cooperated Fleet may be fpeedily equiped, 
wliich would awe the Infolence of the Barbarian Rovers ; 
even this may be done without the AiTiflance of another 
Doria ; for an old Woman, at the Head of a formi- 
dable Squadron, would, make thefe piratical Adventurers 
dread to fail out of their Harbours. 

Turkey. 

Beauty feems now difregarded in the Seraglio of the 
Grand Seignior ; the favourite Sultana has loft her In- 
finence over the dudlile Heart of Mahomet; and a Spi« 
n't of War feems to be rekindled amongil the Turks ; but 
to the Honour of the female Sex be it fpoken, the Vir- 
gin Emprefs of Ruflia» and the good Wife of the £m« 
peror of Germany ^ can make the Ottomans tremble 
and repent their Temerity^ if they fhould endeavour ta 
gafs cither the Danube^ the Neifter, or the Don. The 
Turks very probably encouragp the African Rovers, by 
aflfuring them of Ainilance if attacked by the Chri- 
' fiian Powers j which they feem apprehend ve will cer- 
tainly happen ; but the Inhabitants of Algiers, Tuni?» 
and Tripoli, appear to difregard the. Danger which has 
been long threatened them. 

France. 
While this Power is fecreily fomenting a Rupture 
between the Courts of Pfitersburgh and Berlin, fhe i» 
making the neceflary. Preparations for aififting his Pruf* 

$an Majefty on any Emergency ; with whom the Moft 

Chrifliaa 



ne MIDWIFE. 41 

Ciiridian King has lately concloded a Treaty, by which, 
he is oUiged to furnilh his Ally with 30000 Foot and 
loooo Horfe. The French are alfo indefatigably in-^ 
creaiing their Navy, from whence tvtry old Woman 
may prognoflicate what may happen in the Baltick^ 
if Ruilia (hould be attacked by Sweden. 

Terrible Hurricanes have happened in feveral Part*- 
of France, particularly at Nantes in Britany, where, in 
the adjacent Road of Paimboeuf, oat of 70 Ships at 
Anchor, only 4 rode out the Tempeft, the reft being . 
either loft or driven to Sea ; by which 800 Seamen . 
were drowned, and the Damages done within that Di-^ 
ftria amount to ten Millions of Livres. The Watcri 
of the Seyne have overflowed a great Part of Paris y, 
and the Clergy are very fedulous in deprecating the 
divine Mercy ; in which I heartily concur, though,, at. 
an honeft old Engl'jjh Woman, it is my Duty to. wifljU.- 
that France may be loaded with Adverfity^. 

N B TH BILLA.HO s.. 

Nothing has reached us from this Part of the Conti^ 
Bent worthy of Attention. Prince Charles of Lorrain. 
lives in great Magnificence at Bruffels, where, like a- 
young Scipio, the Laurels of the Hero dignify the 
Man, and the Vidlories of War ferve only to augment 
the Serenity of Peace* The Dutch arc now rcftraincd 
by their Stadtholder from that obftinate chattering, whicL 
diftinguifhed the greatcft Part of their Deputies with, 
the Appellation of old Women during the Courfe of. 
the late War ; when, I may juftly infift upon it, they.- 
fhewed the Irrefolution and Cowardice of fo many fe- 
male Goflips, together with all the cautionary Indolence 
of Age and Infirmity. The Stadtholder finds himfelf 
invefted with little lefs than a fovereign Authority over 

thefe 



42 Tht M I D W I F E. 

tliefc penurious Republicans, who are obliged to coa' 
ceal their turbulent Dirpoiitions ; while every thing it 
conduced with Secrecy and Regularity in the Afi#mbly 
of ihc States. 

Germany. 

TheKing of Prufllais (lillaverfe to the Election of 
a Xing of the Romans, to which he is incited by the 
son* execution of the Treaty of Dreiden, concluded 
oh the 14th of December, 174^ ; fuch as thegnaran- 
tyiag Silefia by the Empire, and the Regulation of a 
fotore Commerco, the former of which he has nerer 
been able to procure, tho* by the 3d Articleof tbeTreatjr 
of Hanover, made between his Majelly and the King of 
Great Britain, this was exprefly ftipulated to be done % 
and without the AITttrancc of which the Pniffian Mo- 
iMurh would not have concluded the Treaty of Direfdea 
Irf fo moderate a manner for the Queen of Hungary and 
dedlor of Saxony, at atime when his vidorious Troops 
hid over-run that EleAon^e, and were in Pofleflioii of 
the capital City. 

TheCoart of Vienaa is apprehenfive of a Diftur- 
bance from the Ottoaum Forces aflembling on the Con- 
fines of Hungary, hi which Kingdom a Body of Impe- 
rialifts are forming for its fecnriCy« 

The Eledor of Cologne has renounced his fubfidiary 
Engagements with the Maritime Powers, and throwa 
himfelf into the Arms of France, which is a very ex. 
traordinary AfBur ; becaufe this Prince cannot but r^ 
member the DevafiatioD that th£ French Tmops, com* 
sumded by Marfhal Maillebois, commijtted in his Ter- 
ritories in the Year 1744, when his Dile6tion nobly 
refufed them a Paffage, though in the Service of his 
' Brother the late Emperor. From thu Inconfiftency, hi9 

elegit • 



Tbi MIDWIFE. 43 

de^oral Highnds feems in his Dotag% tod therefore 
ought to be invefted with the Maatle of an old Wo^ 
man, rather than with his. ecckfiaftical HabilimentB* 
which, I am afraid, will contributt little to the Profpeft 
of Heaven for the Prince, if the Prieft difclaims tht 
tender Tie of Confcience, with the Virtues of a Patriot, 
and the Duty of a Sovereign. 

Denmaric. 
The Court is only attentive to the iacreafe of Com* 
merce, and the Prosperity of the Inhabitants. A Squa- 
dron of ten Ships, is ordered to convoy 600 regular 
Troops to the Coafl of Africa, where they are in- 
tended Jto eftablifli a new Colony. The Danes and 
Swedes appear to have forgot all their former Animo- 
fitiesi and, to corroborate diis Harmony, a Marriage 
Contrafl has been reciprocally agreed to between the 
Prince Royal Gullavus of Sweden, with the Princefi^ 
Royal of Denmark, who are both in iheir Infimcy i 
A Scheme, which if the young Princeis was my Daogb- 
tier, I Ihould not readily aflent to ; becauie my natural 
AfeAion for a Child would over-ballance a Regaird for 
the Community ; but the admirable Queen her Mother 
was ferved fo herfelf. 

S W B D B IT. 

A ftrong Fleet is equippmg at Cardfcroon, which hm 
been conje^ured to oppofe the Ruffians in the Baltick» 
in cafe of a Rupture between the Courts of Petersburgb 
and Berlin : However, all the Fears of a Commotion b»> 
tween Sweden and Ruffia are extinguiihed in the Deatk 
of his Swedifh Majefiy, who died lately ft Stockholm, 
in the 79th Year of his Age. Adolphus Frederic, Duke 
of Holftein, Biihop of Lubeck, has now afcended the 
Swedi(k Throne, to which he was declared Prince Sac- 
ceflbr by the Treaty of Abo, through the Influence of 



44 7he MIDWIFE. 

die yiflorious Rti&ans. It is true, diat this Prince is at 
the Head of a potent Nation ; but the regal Power in 
Sweden has been greatly abridged fince the Reign of 
Charles XII. on whole Death the States were reftored 
to their ancient Rights and Liberties i fo that the le:^ 
^ilative and executive Power is now lodged in the States^, 
and the Aionarch finds hi» Authority fo much retrench- 
ed, that, like his Paliib Majefly, he has little more thaa 
the bare Name of Sovereignty. 

RUS S lA. 

The DiiTention between the Courts of Petersburgh 
and Berlin are rather aggravated than adjufted, not- 
withftanding the Interpofition of the Courts of Vienna 
and London : Both. Powers are exerting their militar/' 
Strength, and pouring down their Troops to their re« 
i^pedUve Frontiers. The Rufiians are alio in danger of 
an Attack from the Turks, but they have taken Care to 
defend the Ukrain : they have alfo fent a confiderable 
Body of Troops into the conquered Provinces, under 
the Command of General Lieven, it being currently 
reported that Marihal Lacy was dead at Riga, though 
tJiey have now little to apprehend firom the Swedes, whofff^ 
new Monarch is Uncle to the Prince SacceiTor of ali 
the Roflias, The Czarina has ordered the Herenhutters, 
or Moravians, to depart the Empire ; and haspublifhed an 
Edift for prohibiting the Importation of Books printed 
4broadv 

G R E A T-6 R I T A I N. 

Political Arcannms are lefs frequent in the Brltifh: 
Miniftry than in any other European Cabinet, and we 
Mxe now acquainted that the CommifTaries aiTembled at 
Farisy for adjufling the Limits of the PofTeflions belonging 
to the Crowns otGreat Britain and France, have come 
10 fome Sort of 4n Agreement. The Britifh Miniflry 
ba& alfo acknowledged the Right of France to the Ifland. 
of St. l^artin's, one of the lefler Antilles, lying Eaft of 
Porto Kjco, which Is about 7 ; Miles in Circumference^^ 
and was'firil plants by the French in 1645; though 

Part 



ne M I D W 1 F E. 45 

7art of the Ifland has been fince inhabited by the 
Engliih; and Mr. Hodge, the Deputy Governor of 
Anguilla, dHpofTefTed the French entirely from the 
Ifland in tiie Year 1 744 ; but now the whole Ifland is 
to be reflored to the French, with a proper Indemnifi- 
cation for their Lofles. However, this has too much 
the Air of an Old Woman^s Story to gain any Credit 
v^ith me ; for how can it be expe^ed that our Miniflry 
5ivill order the Britifli Subjedls to evacuate St. Martin's, 
before the French have come to a Determination con- 
cerning the Property of the neutral Iflands ? 

The Gin Ad is not yet pafled, though it is to be 
hoped that fome falutary Method will be fpeedily put 
into Execution to abolifli the Ufe of this pernicious 
liquor; and then we may exped to fee the Revival of 
Health among the inferior Clafs of the Community, 
many of whom it is to be hoped will live long enough 
to be honoured with the Appellation of Old Women. 
The Naturalization Bill was put off to this Day, when 
the Debates on that Affair will be xefumed, and I can 
venture to prognoIUcate ihow it will be determined-: 
As for the Alteration of the 'New Stile, 1 hope the 
good Earl of Macclesfield "will fucceed in a Scheme fo 
vifibly calculated for the' Ufe of Pofterity ; efpecially as 
the Emperor has ordered a Conformity to the Gregorian 
Calendar to be obferved in his Ducal Dominions of Tuf- 
cany, where the Julian w£ra has been hitherto followed. 

I am glad to hear that a Propofltion is made to the 
Legiflature for purchaflng the Sovereignty of the Ifle of 
Man, :and annexing it to the Government ; which will 
be e.Ntremely prejudicial to the clandeftine Trade carried 
on with the Commodities of France ; the Smugglers find- 
ing-frequent Oppoistunities of running their Goods from 
this Ifland on the adjacent Coafls of Ireland, Scotland, 
England, and Wales. 

Among the A£b of Parliament lately pafled, there is 
one "For. the better regulating of Trials by Juries.*' 
And^I.wt&i I could fee an Amendment in it; *' for 



46 n« M I D W I F E. 

** providing many of thefe fagacious Judges of Life and 
«• Property with a fufficient Share of Common Seofe** 
For it is not long ago that I attended a Trial at a certain 
Courty on an infamous Affair between a certain Beetle- 
browed, fquinting Sort of a Grocer, and his Apprentice, 
who the Mafter had charged with Felony for taking 
Five Shillings out of his Till, though he had at that 
Time fome Pounds belonging to the Apprentice in hif 
PoiFeflion ; when the Foreman of the Jury imagined the 
Fafl amounted to a Felony, tho' it was a^ually no more 
than a Breach of Truft, for which there can be no cor- 
'poral Punifhmeat. If an Old Woman may venture to 
give her Opinion, I think this requires the Legiflatii'e 
Attention, as much as any Thing in Mr. Fielding^s En- 
quiry, or in Mr. SeHgly's Obfervations on that Enquiry i 
&r how precarious is Life and Fortune when entrufted 
to a weak and infenfible Juror? 

I had juft fent all my Copy to the Printer*!, and 
diought of inferting no more in this Number, when i> 
accidentally called in at Mr. WoriUge\ the ingenious 
Fainter over the Uti/i-Piascxa, in Co^ent-Carden, to 

P ratify my Curiofity in feebg his valuable Colle6tioo of 
inures, many of which, becaufe they a:e the Offspring 
of his own elegant Pencil, have been held in a con- 
temptible Light in his own Apartments ; but when r ^ 
moved to an Audion-Room, have been abfolutely taken 
for the Produdions of a Rgmhramtt^ a Corregh, and a 
Fatufyki ; fuch is the pernicious Force of Prejudice to a 
.modern Artift, of Envy to a rival Genius, and of Par- 
tiality to a Man not yet mounted on the Wings of Fame. 
As I have the Honour to be an intimate Acquaintance 
with Mr. Warlidgi^ I have frequently taken an Oppor- 
tunity of defiring him to expofe fome of his beautifulPer- 
formances in fome Place where thc^ nuy be more pub- 
lickly feen than at hb own Apartments ; Uiough thefe Re- 
monftrances have been hitherto ineffedtual^andjill fuch En- 
Maties di(c(>Qcerted by a coinmcndabl^ but an unfeafoa* 

ahi« 



tbe M I D W I F E. 47 

Me and unfaihionable, Modelly : However, I hope that 
Time will overcome this fiafhfulnefs of honefl Pride, this 
Honefty of confcious Merit; or that Ingenuity may fpare 
ker Bluih by meeting with a proper Regard and En- 
couragement. This Gentleman took me into his Paint* 
ing-Room, where he was putting the finifliing Stroke to 
a beautiful Portrait, which is executed in fo ve:y mafter- 
ly a Manner, that I could not help expofing that Quali- 
ty^ fo natural to an old Woman^ of making a formal En- 
quiry into the Charader of the Perfon it reprefented : 
When Mr. PForlitlge informed me that it was the Picture 
•f Mr. Btn. Sedgly^ ^{ Temple-Bar y who has lately made 
himielf fo remarkable for his poetical and political Ac- 
compUfiiments. I recollected that I had feen feveral 
' Verfesy and other Pieces of this Author, to wWh I^had 
.given my Approbation, and particularly his Obferva* 
tions on Mr. Fielding % Enquiry ^ which are wrote with, 
an uncommon Spirit, and extraordinary Delicacy : I 
' therefore told Mr. Worlidge^ that my Veneration for 
every literary Genius, had excited an Inclination in me 
to fee Mr. Stdgly ; but, as it wou'd be a Piece of Inde- 
cency for one of my Sex and Age, to go into a Publick- 
Houfe without a fober- looking Gentleman in Company, 
I defired he wou*d attend me there, and introduce me 
to Ben^ which he readily agreed to^ and very complai- 
&Eitly conducted me thither. I found Mr. Sedgly^ to 
1^ a good-natur*d Sort of a Man, though not (o polite to 
A Lady as I could have wi(h*d him at nril ; but this was 
foon removed by Mr. Worlidge*9 acquainting him, that 
he had taken the Liberty of introducing Mrs^ Midnight 
to his Acquaintance: upon which my Brother Author 
gave me a very iagacious Look, aniffable Smile, a low 
Congee,* and a civil Squeeze by the Hand. We had 
half a Pint of Mountain, and were foon as great as two 
Incle-makers ; when Mr. Sedgly began to complain of 
the cenforious Reflections, and unmannerly Severities, 
thrown upon every Man of Genius on his Appearance 
> ill the literary World ; concluding that he had been very 

con- 



;^« The MIDWIFE. 

contumeliottflx treated by a certain Player, 1k4io htJi 
made a low Criticifm on lus Performances, ivhich he tolil 
me was genteely anfwered by one of hisCuHemerSy thoagh 
without his Privity, He acqaainted me that Mr. Langbam 
4>f the Blue Pofis had been let up as a Rival to kirn in Ge- 
nius, as well as in Beer; but that Mr. Langbam had fabmit- 
ted,and publickly acknowledged theSuperiority of Genina 
to belong io '^r. Sedglyi which has occafipned aper- 
feft Reconciliation between them, and made fach a 
^^rateful Impreffion on the Heart of Mr.^^^/y, that he 
>has given Way to die Mufe in the following Lines, 
* which, on my Approbation of them, he defired I would 
.infert in my Magazine. I promifedhim I would ; then 
•took my Leave, with afluring him I would ihortly dine 
.at hiS'Houfe with honeft Beck t be happy Cobleri and have 
:now performed one Part of my Prpmife, by infejting the 
4bllowing Verfes. 

"Sv Mr. Solomon Langbam » an Author^ at tbi 

Blue Pofts. 

TO fpare the Dart of Wit, the PiU of Jeft, 
Langbam^ I own, thy Candour is confeft. 
Her Venom-creft let yelling Envy raife, 
-Genius commands, and Truth (hall merit Praife; 
What if, Mufe-led, we feek Jonia^s Bow'r, 
. Drink the rich Stream, or.crop the beauteous Flow V; 
^hall this the Viper-ding of blander rouze. 
To blail the Laurels blooming on our Brows ! 
■ Ye little Curs, ftill idly bay the Moon $ 
Try, with a Breath, to cool the Sun at Noon : 
•Langbam and ^'dgh ihall, like Tirins, combine ; 
UoblemiQi^d, unSbioifhM, will we (bine. 
Oh, Friend ! while C9>:v«i quaffs the neftarBowl, 
JinacreonAJkOy wc^il fire the drooping Soul ; 
Let Mirthand Song each happy Hour divide ; 
Frhndjbip round us has now her Cefius tied. 

Ship and Anchor^ Te^pIe-Bar. Ben. Sed^y, 



t 49 ] 



The MIDWIFE. 

NUMBER II. 



VOL. II. 



A certain Method by which n Man may en^ 
gage the Fates in his Favour and' procure 
himfilf Gooix Lif ck. 

Communicated to MrsMij^mGHTy as an Arcanum: 
By a Gentleman^ who Jludied for it forty Tears in. 
the feveral Univerjities of Europe. 

« 

NOtwithftanding what the ancient and mo« 
dern Authors have faid concerning the Dif- 
ference of Men's Opini<xis, there are two 
Points wherein I think we are all agreed, which are^ 
iirft, to kX&Qit good Luck \ and, fecondly, to avoid 
the ill. And as this is the Cafe, I think I cannot 
do a more acceptable Service to the Publick than to 
inform them in what Manner, and by what Means, 
VoL« 11. D they 



so The M Iip W I F E. 

they may always, and at all Times, procure them- 
ftclyes that which is SX)d_afid agreeable^ aiid avoid 
the other, which is fb obnoxious : And I, with the 
more pleafure, enter on this Subjed, as it will, in 
all probability, put aa £i|d to maqy; of thofe Fears 
and Anxieties which People poflefs themfelves with 
on mere trifling Occafions. Spilling; a little Salt 
fhall make, a wholb Family un^pfg^« .A fingle 
Crow in the Road fhall turn a Man back, even 
tho'. he was going for the Midwife. The Fall of a . 
Martinis Neft is a dreadful^SymptooVt and of more 
Confequence than the Fall of a Star, or a Comet. 
Ravens are the Harbingers of-Death ; and the 
Howling of a Dog has been thought fufficient to 
call a Qhaft from the£iraye. 

For the valuable Secret, which I.amr. abou$ to 
. communicate to you to cure this Evil, I am obliged 
to the learned and ingenioi^s^ ^^^^i^r Bqurgen^ 
derftSy who aflures inp, from his own Experience, 
that thefe, and all other Oxnens.of ill Luck, niay be 
prevented by only placing the Body in z proper Po* 
fttion at the time of rifmg. As the abovemention'd 
Gentleman has made thisA^air his^tudy for forty 
Years, and is a great Mailer of J/frclogyj Palmifi ^■ 
tri^ , Akhymyiy &c he. muft undoubtedly be a good 
Judge of tberMatter ; and I have, bis Aiithority to- . 
- fay, that every Thing has happened ; to his WHb ever i 
fmcehe put.this Method in Practice. Befnles this, 
he.ha$ given nie to.underftand that feVeral. Great 
Gfnerals, who l^ve been inftriij&ed.ia tbiaMyiicry^ 

hi^ve 



the M ID ^ I F 6. 51 

have praflifed it with equal Succefs. The late 
Duke of M^-lh^ ■ - '^ ^ made ufe of this Artifice, 
when he obtain'd thofc glorious Battles for the Eif 
glijh Nation, at Blenheim^ RamilUcs^ and MaU 
fhtqueU .The Sea Commanders did the fame twice 
in the time oi Charles II. when with fuch good Succefs 
they engaged and defeated the Dutch Fleets. 'Twas 
a Maxim with all our Admirals in the Days of 
Queen Elizabeth. Charles XII. of Sweden fought 
upon this very Principle, depended entirely upo'n 
it, and performed Wonders, *tin he became fo 
elated and pufF'd up with Conqueft that he heg* 
}e£ted this Rule, and then he was taken Prifoner, 
and (bon after kill'd by a Cannon Ball. In fliortf 
fo wonderfully efficacious is this Method, that I 
ihyfelf knew two Generals, engaged by different 
Natiofis atWar, Svho-dretvup their Armies, fought 
a Battle, and both conquered, notwithftanding it 
happened on a Childermas Day. But it would be 

abfurd to fay more. -Thofe who confider how 

many Gentlemen have advahcM themfelves in the 
Church and the State, in the Army and Navy, in 
fhe Law arid in Phyfick, ineerly fey this Means, 
and without %hy Merit or^Pretenfionis to Merit 
Hvhatfoever, can ho longer doubt that it is of tlie 
utmoft Confequence for a Man to rise with 
HIS BACtCSIDE upwards ; — for that is the 
Noftrum, which I might have Told for an infinite 
Sum — But I here eive It you TfeeTy — there ~ 
take it — 'and may Ithe Obftrvance of it make ye 
^1 happy. M. Midnight. 

P 2 Thin^Ef 



52 ^hi MIDWIFK. 
Things to be laughs at : 

A-ColkUion $f honifi Prejudiies. (continued) 

NEXT unto Jrvi there are two Rivers, 
Atoica and Caora^ and on that Branch whicA 
is called Caora are a Nation of People whofe Heads 
appear not above their Shoulders ; which, tho' it 
may be thought a meer Fable, yet for mine own 
Part I am refolvcd it is true ; becaufc every Child 
in the Provinces of Arrqmata and Canuri affirm the 
fame : They are called Ewaipanoma : They arc 
reported to have their Eyes in their ShouMers, and 
their Mouths in the middle of their Breads , and 
that a long Train of Hair groweth backward be«^ 
tween their Shoulders. 

Sir W. Raleigh's Works. Page 209. 

The Eighth Species of Earthquakes is, where 
ever and above the rifing and finking the Parts of 
the Earth, there arc a great Variety of other Accir 
dents attending ; fuch for Inftance, as appears in 
that Relation which the learned Camden gives us, 
of a very famous Earthquake in Hereford/hire^ 
where in the Year 1571, Mar clay Hill in the Eaft 
Part of the Shire, with a roaring Noife, removed 
itfelf from the Place where it flood, and for three 
Days together travelled from its old Seat. 

It 



rt^ MI D W I FE. SS 

It begafi fifft to take its Journey Feiruaty 17 th, 
being Saturday at Six of tbe>[}lock at Night, and 
by Seven the next Morning, it had gone forty Paces, 
tfirt^ing ilrtth it Shccj;^ in their Gotes, Hedge- Rows 
Sind Tf^y, il^herefef, fbme W«re oV*rttirrt'3 ; fbiiife 
that ftdod upoh the Plaih W^^ fittMf growing upoh 
the? Hill ; thofe ftit #«*re Eaft Wfcrfe tUrhed Weft j 
titii thott in tU Weft w^re fet in tbi^ Eaft : In this 
Remote if 6rirfh*-ett KinaJfdH Ctinpbiy and turned 
turo Highways near aft hundfed Yards ff6m therr 
did Path^. TThc Quarntity of Ground thuj removed 
iH^ aftbttt tWcttt^-fix Aws, ^Mch (^efiifig itfrlf 
tJrhh Rotfks and ^,- boVc the Earth before xl 
fbr fbttf huridred Yif6s fpa66j Without any ftay, 
leaving Fafturage in the Place of the Tillage, and 
the Tillage overfpread with Pafturage : Laftly, 
6verwhelniing its lowef Parts, it mounted to a Hill 
<jf twelve Fathoms high, and there refted after threi 
Days trai/fl, 

Drffirtaiioii upon Earthquakes, Page 43, 

Amdng the many People who have had Courage 
and Learning to lay Spirits and Ghofis^ G. W/ 
Salomine may be reckoned and efteem'd the 
moft confiderable and knowing; for he made a* 
Fortune and raifed an Eftate by this very Trade ; 
and is faid to have laid 1379 Souls in the Red Sea, A 
Place which I know by Experience, and by Ex- 
amination have found all Ghofts and Spirits- are 
moft afraid ofj and this I think proves Salomine^s 

D 3 Power 



54 ^he M ID WIFE. 

Power to be veiy great, as k is a Place they wou'd 
not but by Force have went into^ 

It is to be remarfced that Sabmim was the (er 
venth Son of bis Father and Mother, who was a 
Yirtuoifs Woman V and he bad alfo a wonderful 
Faculty of curing all IXcsSe&with a Touch. Such 
fiirprifmg Power » there in fome People* Yet 
this Gentleman was not more to be thought of than 
an Accquaintance of mine^ an Oxford Scholar, 
who to my certain Knowledge and Belief hath 
cured many Diforders, and allayed the Ghofts of 
many difturbed People, when no other Perfon could 
do thenu In a Village where I lived, I do know 
that there was a great Houfe,. a Manfion«Houfe, 
haunted by 1 Spirit that turned itfelf into a^ tfaou«*^ 
iand Shapes and Forms.; but generally came in the 
Figure of a boiled Scragg of Muttony and had baf^ 
fled and defyed the learned Men of both .Univer^ 
fities ; but this being told, to my Friend, who wa5 
a Deicendant and Relation of the learned Friar Ba^ 
€ony he undertook to lay it,, and that even without 
his Books;, and 'twas, done in this Manner: He. 
ordered, ibme Water to be. put into a clean Skellet: 
that wa3 new, and. had never, been^ on the Fire. 
When the Water boiled,., he himfelf pulled off his 
, Hat and Shoes, and then, took feven. Turnips,, 
which he pared with.a.fmall Penknife that had been, 
rubtied and whetted on a Loadftone,. and put thent. 
into the Water. When they were boiled, . he or- 
dered fome Butter to be melted in a new glaized . 

eartbcA/ 



S«* M.t P: W I F &. s^ 

9 

•aithen Pipkin^ 2^ ii\gsk m^^' ^^ Tunript m 
it. Juft as this was finiflieds I myfelf faw the. 
Ghoft> in the Foim of a btiled Scra^g^ of- A^toth- 
peep in at the Window, which I gave him Notice 
of,, and. heftuck his fork into him, and fowfed' 
Both him and the Turnips into a Pewter Difb, andi 
cat both up: And theHoufe was ever arterward* 
quktand ftilL Now this libould nothave.believedy^ 
or thought true, but I ftood by and faw all tba^ 
wholie Ceremony performed. 

J ACJLSou* $ SuiUff'tbiDe/undh Page97p> 






• t 



r * 



A CERTIFICATE; 

Ji fatisfy the Puhlick^ and prevent any fariJun 
Difputes concerning the Naturalization Biff., 

9 

I Mary Midnight of St. J^wi's, Wifiminjtir^. 
have, by Order of'feveral noble Perfonages,^ 
examined a great'Number of my own Gountrymeit 
promifcuoufty taken, and the fame Number of' 
Foreigners fel^£fed from all 'other Nations j; and I' 
do, upon my Honour, hereby certify and declare,, 
that I.find ^EngHJh.3XR rather better. qualifyM for. 
the Bufinefs of the £adies, . and . the Bufinefs of the 
Nation,, than any olher People : Wherefore I moft. 
humbly beg that the" Naturaiivation BUI may be ' 
thrown out, and a Bill'brought into thie Houfe, in. 
lieu thereof, to oblige all our Batchelors to marry- 
and get Childrea; wfaicb would anfwcr all. the; 

Pur- 



^. fte miD W IF £; 

Ptirpofh tt that I^efigti^ artid ti6t (vhjbd^ lii to lasf 
of the Incdtivenicnci«s generally attendifig tboftf 
Sort ^ Schem«r. Witnefs my Hand) Jpril zoth 
J751. 

MaIy Midkight. 



y E It s E 8 wHHen in 'a London Chufcb- 

yard. 

Mjf R I A now m ccafe to fing^ 
And all the opening Sweets of Spring: 
The Cbop'houfe ih my Verfe fhall ring. 
Where lires my lo?e^ J^yi ■ '. 

Where antient Cooks exert tfaeir Ait j 

No. youthful Damfdl bears a Part : 

Yet one has broiPd my very Heart, 

And that' was lovely JiMnji. 

• ■ •' ■ .1 

Brown as tl^ Wallaut is her Hair, 

Her Skin is Uke the Napkin fair. 

More blooming than red Cabbage are 

The Cheeks of lovely Jenny^ 

Each fav*ry Difii to Cit and Fop 
She bears, herfcff a nicer Chop.; 
How far more elegant, to (op. 
And fcaft on lovely Jenny, 



More tei^pting thap the fjnoaking Stal(€^^. 

Orfwc^tcft Tart Iter 'Kngettmake^f* * 



Pd 



ne MIDWIFE, s% 

I'd lofe my Dinner for the Sake, 
Of tafting lovely Jenny. 

But when I pay for Stake or Tart, 
I a£l a very MiTer's Part, 
At once the Money and my Heart 
I give to lovely Jenny. 

Let Jove his fam*d Ambrofia eat. 
And youthful Hebe ever wait ; 
I envy not his Joy or State, 
While fervid by lovely Jenny. 

While Britijh Herrings Britons' love^ 
Or City Throats with Cuftard move. 
While Nedar pleafes mighty Jove^ 
So long fhall I love Jenny. 

And when at length the Beauty dies. 
Oh ! cut her into little Pies ! 
Like Jelly-ftars fhe'll grace the Skies, 
So bright b lovely Jenny. 

St Clement*^ Cburcb-yarJ, 
May I. 1751. 

A Scheme far a Bill of Annihilation ; in 'a 
Letter from Mrs. Midnight, to the Rt. Hon. 
tbeE—ofC . 

My Lordy 

AS the Troubled and Difcontents of Mankind, 
are daily increafing, and their Patience dir 
minUhing in the fame Proportion } I humbly offer 

t# 



.SS the M^IDWIFE. 

to your Lordfiiip't-Ccnfidier^tion^ a Sdieme, whicfr 
^ill be a Catholicon agakiflr all Diforders tvA Di- 
fturbances, which are» have bedii) or surjr be in- 
cident to human Nature* The whole AiFair, n^ 
Lord, is no more than this, to ereft in feme com- 
modious Part of this opulent Gty, ^m Offin of Aw 
nihilatiorij where aU affiided and dtfcontented Per- 
fons may come, in order to be Annihilated by ofie cir 
more of the auguft College of Pby f»cians, who there- 
muft regularly attend for that Purpofe.^— Half the 
Work, my Lord, is done to bur Hands; fori 
can demonftrate, that at leaft one Moiety of the 
People that ireatbe^ cannot be faid to exift with 
any Propriety of Language, CogitOy ergo fumj I 
think y therefore I amy, is^the great Des 'Carte fs De- 
finition of Efciflente. If this be irile, thdfe ttat 
do not think, do ndt exift, which Obfei^vatioii 
difpatches ten Millions at a Blow--^— *If the Natu* 
ralization Bill pafs into a Law, this wiQ clear the 
Way for it; for by Annihilating fomany of o«r 
Countrymen, we fhall make more room for Fo- 
rei gii ersa a Piece of Cpmplaifance, which is as ami- 
able as it is neccfTary. It is almoft incredible what 
Advantages wovld redound from Vhis A<air. " » ■■ 
AQ th6fe |>oor Ob|r6b, whid)> to tbt Samisi of 
Humanity, are ftarving and rotting in tlM Streets,^ 

might be ordered to the Office. In fhort, every 

Body that was ^,eary of their Being, might apply 
to the Phyfician. m waiting ;. for this is a t)ikk[c 
Jie'd' never fail to .Cure. 1 mujft take the Liberty 
tp adJI, that yciur Lordflijp is deeply intcrefted in 

this 



&e MJnWl F K. 59^ 

it^aitf ip refipte^ ta fotae Adrantagps tiat will 
T icnmeduLtel}; happen to. yomfeifc i Y ou 
( fqAd fix or feven Cart Loads.oftliofe Block* 
to the Office^ who have had the enonnous 
ilence to affix your Name to their Grvth-Jlnet 
1, or, what is ftill worfe, to fetherupon yoar 
(bipV manly Wit) tbe puny paltiy-ftodlid oil' 
owA fumblifi^ defpicatble Dttlnds.^ Tbens iil. 
my l^, among all the-Pbft^of Society^ a mofc 
xaptible- Sttt of M^n- 4tan^ yourPettyfogging- 
rneyt^ your- Haberdafll^s- ot fiHaH^Jf^AKe' in- 
[aiw.— The(b^I wot/d hav>e &nr^ Aie 6flR^ 
o£-all!; for ^ fooftti^ AnniHitMMiR (Mould' 
ra tothNtm^ the fooiMr^'MtokEnd^^t expeA^' 
nyaluaUe Bteffings of Pfetce^andigood^ Neigli<^ 
hood. In (bprt, fince' every 'I^rof(bffidfi' is toa 
li croudedwifh its^refpefSve-VoCaricr^ I wou'd, 
MB meaofi, lop c^ att theii^diUMMbil-and ufekft 
^tesi-«w-pI;wpuUl finally 'havc^<oftim2Uid6d'to 
Officei^^U Aucbori,' wM'&aipeino Quaii(ka« 
, Tjiit Vanityw*««^ArU Patrons who give Merit! 
dng^ bat their /Firi/.^^-Ail Pedants, P^rates^ 
P[!LmpbIet•^Qubs, wkh> every Thiog that is o& 
ffre . andi detrimental to good: Learnings good 
bf and gpodMannertv ^'^ch ts all at pre*^ 
I from,- 

My Lordy ' > r 

mejl obedUnt humble Servant^ 

Marv Mionjcht. 

A Lu- 



€o 5nfe M 1 EX W I F E- . 

Jl Lett^ frm M-j. Midnight, to the Go- 
vemors of the Foundling-Hofpital, in which 
it will appear^ why fife does not apply to be 
of their Society. 

Worthy Sirs^ 

IHave b^en fpllicited hj feyeral Peribnt <^ Di- 
ftin£Uon, to offer myfelf as a Candidate for be- 
ing a Governor of the Foundling' Hofpitaly and 
find myfelf under fome fort of Nece£Sity of juftifying 
my Squeanfiiihnefs, in declining to make ufe of mjr 
InterdR; in this. Affair*. ; No Perfon of common 
Senfe can doubt <^ nyy Impartiality in. this Matter, 
for the Propagation of Mankind, which this Cha-^ 
rity is peculiarly calculated to promote, is very de- 
lightful and lucrative to one of my Perfuaiion and 
Profeffioh.-— ^In the firft Place you are guilty of 
a:m^(l. fc^dalous Mifnommer, (as the FrtnA 
Pbiafe is) fpr you csdl your Hofpitsd, an Holpital 
for. expofed and deferted. Children, when escpofed 
and deferted Children are abfoiutely excluded by 
thp Laws of your Houfe, and the whole of the Bu- 
fmefs is entirely left to Fortune, fo that the Bafiard 
of. a L— d, has an equal Chance with. an he^)lels 
Wretch, who, perhaps vitfs (as Sbakefpear .\aa it) 
Ditch'deliver*d by a Drab! I know Gaming is 
very fafhionable, and in my Letter to Mr. Hoyle^ 
I have proved it to be attended with many admira* 
ble Confequences. — ^But for your Black Balls and 
your White,— to play at Roley-Pohy for the Bodies 
of your Fellow-Creatures, is carrying the Matter 

fomewhat 



Tbt MIDWIFE. €i 

IbmewhaC too far. Extravagant Feafts, Mufick, 
•Revelling and Dancing, are of that Species of Cha- 
rity, which Pride and Gluttony are ever ready to 
bcftow on themfelves and their AfTociates.— — 'But 
to FaJ^ for a Friend in order to ferve him ;— to 
Pray for him in order to promote him ;— To un- 
dergo Pain, to give him Pleafure, is Chriftian Cha- 
rity.— All the reft is Oftentation, Nonfenfe, Noife, 
and fomething yet worfe than all of them, which I 
forbear at prefent to mention, becaufe I wou'd not 
give Offence to Perfons of Diftindion. 

M. Midnight. 



To the wife Inhabitants of Tring, in Hcrt- 
fordlhire^ and the Towns and Villages adja* 
cent. 

Gentlemen, 

I Have received a very particular and impartial 
Account of your Behaviour to poor Gaffer Of'^ 
borne and his unhappy Wife ; and I am really fliock'd 
at your Inhumanity, and afham'd of your Stupidity. 
Don't you think the following Paragraph will make 
a pretty Figure in the Annals of Englandy and 
givePofterity a fine Idea of your Wifdom, Saga- 
city, Humanity, and Religion ? 

Litter from Tring in Hertfordfhire, April 24. 
* On Monday laft a (hocking AfFair happened 
• here. One B— ;rf— d, who keeps a Publick- 



62 «^ M I D W I F E. 

HouTe^ from bafe and lucrative Vie ws» hadghren 
out he was bewitched by one Ofbome and his 
AVife^ (ino&nfive People of the Age of threefcore 
Years and upwards) and had it cry*d at fevecal 
Market-Towns that they were to be try'd by 
Ducking the Day afbrefaid ; when about Noon 
a great O>neour(e of People, to the Number of 
Five Thouland at Icb&j appeared in the Town. 
The Officers of the ParHh had privately re^, 
moved the poor old Couple in the dead time of 
the Night into the Church, as a Place of Safety. 
The Mob demanded thefe unhappy Wretches at 
the Workhoufe, but on being acquainted they 
were not there, they pulled down the Pales and 
Walls, broke all the Windows, and demdifhed 
a Part of the Houfe : After fearching the Cftim- 
nics and Cielings without Effedl, th^feized the 
Governor, hawled him down to the Stream, and 
declared they would drown him, and fire the 
whole Town, unlefs they delivered thefe poor 
Creatures into their Hands. The Mob ran up 
and down with Straw in their Hands, and were 
going to put their Threats into Execution, had 
they not been delivered up. Thefe miferable 
Creatures were now dragged two Miles, flript 
ftark-naked, their Thumbs ty*d to their Toes, 
and in this fhameful manner were thrown into 
a muddy Stream. After much Ducking and ill 
Ufage, the poor old Woman was thrown quite 
naked on the Bank, almoft cboaked with Mud, 
and expired in a few Minutes, being kick'd and 

< beat 



rhe MIDWIFE. 63 

' beat with Sticks even after ~{he was dead ; and 

* the poor Man lies dangeroufly ill of the Bruifcs 

* he received. To add to their Barbarity, they 

* put the dead Witch (as they called her) in Bed 

* with her Hufband, and ty'd them together. The 

* Coroner's Inquefl have brought in their Vcrdift, 
« Wilful Murder. Several Perfons are apprehended 
^ on this account, and the Inhabitants are making 
' diligent Search after others, being determined to 
^ bring them to condign Punifhment.' 

Pray, (for God's Sake) if you have any Senfe at 
all, if you are not meer Idiots and Lunaticks, let 
me teli you a Story. 

There was in the Weft of England^ where I 
lived feveral Years, a poor induftrious Woman, 
who labour'd under the fame evil Report that tJ^e 
above poor Wretches were ftigmatized with. E- 
very Hog that died with the Murrain, every Cow 
that flipt her Calf, {he was accountable for. If a 
Horfe had the Staggers, (he was fuppofed to be in 
his Head ; and whenever the Wind blew a little 
harder than ordinary. Goody Gilbert was playing her 
Tricks, and riding upon a Broomftick in the hiv* 
Tbefe, and a thoufand other Phantafies, too ridi- 
culous to recite, poflefs'd the Pates of the com- 
mon People, Horfe-(hoes were nail'd with the 
Heels upwards, .apd many Tricks were made ufc 
of to intrap and mortify the poor Creature j and 
fuch was their Rage againft her, that^hey petitioned 

E 2 Mt. 



64 7be MIDWIFE. 

Mr. JVilUams^ the Parfon of the Parifh, not to let 
her come to Churcl), and, at laft, even infifted 
upon it ; but this he over-ruled, and allow'd the 
poor old Woman a Noke in one of the Ifles to her- 
felf, where fhe muttered over her Prayers in the 
beft Manner fhe could. The Parifh, thus difcon- 
certed and enraged, withdrew the fmall Pittance 
they allow'd for her Support, and would have re- 
duc'd her to the Neceffity of flarving, had not fhe 
been flill affifled by the benevolent Mr. JVilliam'sj 
who often fent her Bread and Meat, frequently 
procured her Spinning- Work from the next Mar- 
ket-Town, and fo provoked was he at their Be- 
haviour to her, that he once apply *d to a neigh- 
bouring Juflice of Peace in her Behalf; but as there 
happen'd a Storm the Night before, which ftript 
Part of the Thatch ofF his Worfhip's Stable, that 
wife Haberdaflier of the Law refufed her Relief. 
J was, one Afternoon, drinking Tea with Mrt. 
IVilliams^ when a Meflage was brought that poor. 
Ja7ie Gilbert was extremely ill ; upon which we all 
three went to fee her. ' As fhe was fick, I expefted 
to have found her in Bed, and we open'd the Door 
foftly not to diflurb her j but when we came into 
her little Hovel, poor Jane was fpinning by a 
fmall Peat Fire, which I could have cover'd with 
my Hand. As the poor old Creature was deaf, 
fhe did not hear us open the Door, and I had an 
Opportunity of taking a full Survey of her before 
fhe perceived us. A Pifiurc of fuch Wretchednefs 
I never f4W before or fUice. Her Body was half 

naked t 



Tbi M I D W I FE. 65 

naked, infomuch that her wither'd Sfioulders and 
Part of her Breaft appcar'd thro' her tattcr*d Gowir. 
Her Head was bound round with an old blue Stock- 
ingy that ebcpofed her bald Crown and her Ears to 
view. Her Hofe iwere compofedof two Haybandf9 
tyed round her lisgs with a Packthread-ftring. She 
fat in an old -wooden Elbow-chair, and, by Fits^ 
dozed, and then again tumM her Wheel ; to the 
Motion of which her Under Jaw kept txd£t Tioie* 
When Mr. Williams call'd to her, flic raised her- 
felf up, and, by the Support of the Chair made us 
a Curtfey. The Manner of our coming in had a 
little confus'd her, but flie foon recovered faerfelf, 
and, by our Defire, fat down. Mr. Williams 
then enquired into the State of her Diforder, and 
fhe told him, that flie believ'd her Ulnefi was oc- 
cafion'd by her eating that Food ; (pointing to an 
earthen Pan that ftood before us, in which were 
mixed a little Barley Meal, Salt, and Watex) and 
added, that fhe had not had any Bread or Meat 
for feven Days. At this he was furpris'd, and 
afk'd what became of the Viftuals he fent her the 
Beginning of that Week ? She thank*d him for it, 
and reply'd, that two Fellows in the Neighbour- 
hood, whofe Names fhe mentioned, had taken it 
from her ; and that one of them had ftruck her 
feveral Blows. Mr. Williams feemed angry that 
flie did not inform him of it ; but flie de- 
fired he would not be dif[^fed, and faid, flie 
was loth to be too troublefome. Mrs. Williams 
{who is a ftiighty good W^man) wsis gr^tly af- 

E 3 V;^^^^ 



66 fife M I D W I F E. 

fefted with this Circumftancc, and fhed Teaij, 
which were indeed accompany'd with my own: 
•She then warm'd a little Sack-whey, (he had 
brought in her Pocket, and gave it tfab poor 
Creature to drink. This Jane fwallow'd eagerly, 
and was fo chearful after it, that fhe talked to us 
above two Hours, entertained us with her whole 
Story, and the Hiftory of her Time, which was 
frequently interrupted with the warmeft ExprefSons 
of Gratitude to Mr. and Mrs. fFilliams. When I 
cxprefs'd my Surprife at her Memory and good 
Senfe, itie told me that {he was once a young Gen- 
tlewoman's Waiting-maid, with whom (he had a 
good Education, and could, even now, read and 
write very well, but tKat the Neighbours would 
not fuffer her to have a Pen and Ink, and had fto- 
len her Bible and her Spectacles. Juft as we were 
coming away, I put two Half-Crowns into her 
Hand, which fhe return'd me again, and begg'd I 
would oblige her with, fpme Halfpence in their 
fitead 4 for the People, fays fhe, in the Neighbour- 
hood are pofTe&'d with a Notion that I can turn 
Lead into Silver and Gold, but that by and by it 
will become Lead again, and therefore none pf the 
Shops will change my Money. When we parted 
with the old Woman, fhe cryed, and whifpcred to 
Mr. ff^tUlams to come again and. give her the 
Sacrament, for that fhe did not think fhe 
(bould live long. ■ I could recite many 

other Circumflances in Jam^ or (as they by 
way of Reproach called her) Joan Gilbert's 

Be- 



The MIDWIFE. 67 

Behaviour, which I think prov'd that (he was not 
a Witch, but a pious and good Chriftian ; unlefs 
you fuppofe Witchcraft to confift in true Wifdom, 
Morality and Religion, and that wou'd be too ab- 
furd even for you yourfelves to fuppofe. But I now 
haften to the Sequel of my Story, in which you 
will find that the true Source from whence Witch- 
craft is reputed to fpring, is Poverty , Jge^ and 
Ignorance 5 and that it is impoffible for a Woman 
to pais for a Witch, unlefs (he is very Poor^ ^g^d^ 
and lives in a Neighbourhood where the People aie 
' void of commdn Senfe^ 

Sometime after we had this Interview with Jane 
Gilbert^ a Brother of hers died in London^ who, 
tbo' like a truly adopted Son of Care, would not part 
with a Farthing while he lived, at his Death was 
obliged to leave her Five-thoufand Pounds; Mo- 
ney that he could not carry in the Coffin with htm. 
This alter'd the Face of Jane*% Affairs pro- 
digiouily : She was no longer Jane^ alias Joan Gil" 
tert the ugly old Witch, but Madam Gilbert 5 her 
old ragged Garb was exchanged for one that was 
New and Genteel : Her greateft Enemies made their 
Court to her, even the Juftice himfelf came to wifii 
her Joy; and tho' feveral Hogs and Horfes died, 
and the Wind frequently blew after that, yet Ma- 
dam Gilbert was never fuppos'd to have a Hand in 
it: And from hence it is plain, as I obferved be- 
fore, that a Woman muft be very Poor^ very Old^ 
and live in a Neighbourhood where the People are 

very 



Tie MlltW 1 F E. 

very Jiupidy before (he can poffibly pafs for a 

Witch. 

Tturs, 

■ 

Mary MiDKiGHT. 

P. S. 'Twas a Saying of Mr. ff^iliams^ who 
wouM fometimes be jocofe, and had the Art of 
making even Satire agreeable ; that if ever Jans dc- 
ferved the Charader of a Witch, 'twas after this 
Money was left her; for that with her five thou- 
iand Pounds, (he did more A&b of Qiarity and 
friendly Offices, than all the People of Fortune 
within fifty Miles of the Place. Many Thoufands 
of my Readers know this to be true, but as fome 
may be ignorant of it, I muft inform them, that 
ihe gave Bibles and Common-Prayer Books to all 
the People in the Neighbourhood, and fbe paid 
for the Schooling of Forty Boys and Girls. She 
boil'd a large Copper twice a Week, and made 
Broth and Dumplings for all her Neighbours who 
were old or fick : She lent 500 /. in fmall Sums to 
poor Tradefmen and Farmers, without Interefl, 
for ever, and appointed Truftees to take the beft 
Security they cou'd, fo that the Principal might 
Dot be loft, and to remove the Sums, occafionally, 
from one Family to another^ when the one cou'd 
fpare it, and the other wanted Afliftance. She fet- 
tled Twenty-five Pounds per Annum for a fkillful 
Apothecary or Surgeon to attend poor People who 
were Sick i and Twenty-five Pounds per Annum 
oa the Minifter of the Parilh, to vifit and pray by 

themj 



ne MIDWIFE. 69 

them, and teach the Children their Catechifm; 
and to each Child that came to Church to learn the 
Catechifm, fhe ordered a Plumb-Cake every Sun- 
day. Among her Donations, fhe did not forget 
her Friends Mr. and Mrs. WllUams^ but gave 
their Son and Daughter Five-hundred Pounds 
a-piece in her Life-time. As to her own Part, fhe 
allow'd herfelf but Eighteen Pounds a Year to live 
on, and that at her Death (he bequeathed to an old 
Woman who attended her. And this is a Woman 
they were about to deftroy for Witchcraft and 
Sorcery ! But the People are now afliamed of their 
Behaviour, and therefore I have concealed the 
Name of the Place. 



An EPIGRAM. 

The Physician and the Monkey. 

A Lady fent lately to one Doftor Drug, 
To come in an Inftant and clyftcr poor Pug— 
As the Fair one commanded, he came at the Word, 
And did the Grand-Office in Tie- Wig and Sword : 

The AfFair being ended, fo fweet and fo nice ! 
He held out his Hand with — *' You know Ma'm 

my Price." 
Your Price ! fays the Lady —Why, Sir, he*s a 

Brother, 
And Doctors muft never take Fees of each other. 



rri 



70 r^^ M I D W I F E. 

JVe infer t the following SPEECH to let the 
World fee with what Candour y Good- Nature^ and 
Intrepidity J a Gentleman^ a Poety and a Philofo* 
pher can bear the D if appointments of Life* 

fbe SPEECH of Mr. RICHARD 
GLOVER, to the Court of Aldermeiv 
the Sheriffs, and worthy Livery of the City 
of London, as it was fpoken from the 
Huftings on Tuefday lafl^ upon bis declining 
the Poll for Chamberlain of this City. 

Gentlemen, 

AF T E R the Trouble which I have had fo large 
a Share in giving you, by my Application 
for your Favour to fucceed Sir John Bosworth 
in the Office of Chamberlain, this Day fo worthily 
fupplied, I fhould deem myfelf inexcufable in quit- 
ting this Place, before I rendered my Thanks to 
ibofe in particular, who fo generoufly have efpoufed 
my Intereft j to your new-eleSed Chamberlain him- 
felf, and Numbers of his Friends, whofe Expref- 
fions and A<Slions have done me peculiar Honour, 
amidft the Warmth of their Attachment to him-} 
to the two deferving Magiftrates, who haufe pre- 
fidcd among us with Impartiality, Humanity, and 
Juftice ; and laftly, to all in general, for iheir Can- 
dour, Decency, and Indulgence. 

Gentlemen^ 



ne MIDWIFE. 71 

Gentlemen^ 

Heretofore I have frequently had Occafion of acU 
dreiSng the Livery of London in Public, but at 
this Time I find myfelf at ftn unufual Lofs, being 
under all the Difficulties which a Want of Matter, 
deferving your Notice, can create. Had I no^ 
your Rights and Privileges to vindicate ; had I the 
Gaufe of your iufiering Trade to defisnd ; or werd 
I now called forth to recommend and enforce the 
Parliattaentary Service of the moft virtuous and 
illuftrious Citizen, my Tongue would be free from 
Conftraint, and expatiating at large, would en- 
deavour to merit your Attention, which now muft 
be folely confined to fo narrow a Subject as myfelf 
On thofe Ooc&fions, the Importance of the Matter, 
and my known Zeal to ferve you, however inef-* 
feSual niy Attempts might prove, were always 
fufficient to fecure me the Honour of a kind Re- 
ception and unmerited Regard. Your Counter 
tenance. Gentlemen, firft drew me from the Re- 
tirement of a ffudious Life ; your repeated Marks 
of Diffinflion firft pointed me out to tliat great 
Body, the Merchants of London^ who, purfuing 
your Example, condefcehded to intruft me, unc- 
i]ual and unworthy as I was, with the moft impor- 
tant Caufe I a Caufe, where your Intereft was as 
liearly concerned as theirs. In Confequence of that 
Deference which has ever been paid to the Senti- 
ments and Choice of the Citizens and Traders of 
Londvrty it was hnpofflUe but fome ^int Luft]re 
inuft have glanced on one^ whom, weak as he was^ 

they 



72 The MIDWIFE. 

they were pleafed to appoint the Inftrument on their 
Behalf: And if from thefe Tranfa£Uons I acciden-^ 
tally acquired the fmalleft Share of Reputation, it 
was to you Gentlemen of the Livery, that my 
Gratitude afcribes it ; and I joyfully embrace this 
Public Opportunity of declaring, that whatever. 
Part of a Public Character I may prefume to claim, 
I owe primarily to you. To this I might add the 
Favour, the Twenty Years Countenance and Pa- 
tronage of one, whom a fupreme Degree of Re- 
fpedl (hall prevent me from naming ; and thou^ 
under the Temptation of ufing that Name, as a 
certain Means of obviating fome Mifconftru^ons, 
I (hall however avoid to dwell on the Memory of 
a Lofs fo recent, fo juftly and fo univerfally la- 
mented* 

Permit me now to remind you, that when pla- 
ced by thefe Means in a Light not altogether unfa- 
vourable, no lucrative Reward was then the Ob^* 
jc£k of my Purfuit ; nor ever did the Promifes or 
Offers of private Emolument induce me to quit my 
Independence, or vary from the leaft of my for- 
mer Profeffions, which always were, and remain 
fiill founded on the Principles of univerfal Liberty; 
Principles which I affume the Glory to have efta^ 
blifhed on your Records. Your Senfe, Liverymen 
of London^ the Senfe of your great Corporation, 
fo repeatedly recommended to your Reprefentativet 
in Parliament, were my Senfe, and the principal 
Boaft of all my Compofitioris, containing Matter 
imbibed in my earlieft Education, to which I have 

always 



rbe MIDWIFE. 75 

always adhered, by which I ftill abide, and which 
I will endeavour to bear down with me to the 
Grave j and even at that gloomy Period, when de- 
ferted by my good Fortune, and under the fevcreft 
Trials, even then, by the fame Confiftency of Opi- 
nions and Unifbnftity of Conduct, I ftill preferved 
that Part of Reputation, which I originally derived 
from your Favour, whatever I might pretend to 
call a Public Charader, unftiaken and unblemifhed; 
nor once, in the Hour of Affliction, did I baniih 
from my Thoughts the moft fmcere and confcientious 
Intention of acquitting every private Obligation, 
as foon as my good Fortune Ihould pleaie to return^ 
a diftant Appearance of which feemed to invite me, 
and awakened fome flattering Expefbtions on the 
rumoured Vacancy of the Chamberlain's Office; 
but always apprehending the Imputation of Prefump* 
tion, and that a higher Degree of Delicacy and 
Caution would be requiftte in me, than in any 
other Candidate, I forbore, *till late, to prefent 
myfelf once more to your Notice, and then, for the 
firft Time, abflraCled from a Public Confideration, 
follicited your Favour for my own private Advan- 
tage- My Want of Succefe {hall not prevent my 
chearfully congratulating this Gentleman on his 
Ele&ion, and you on your Choice of fo worthy a 
Magiftrate ; and if I may indulge a Hope ofide« 
pajting this Place with a Share of your Approbati6n 
and Efteem, I folemnly from my Heart declare. 
That I fhall not bear away with me the leaft Trace 
of Difappointment 

F Some 



74 "the MIDWIFE. 

Some Rejleltions on the State of the Stage. 

AMONG the Multiplicity of theatrical Per- 
formances, we have a Scarcity of tbofe ratio- 
nal Productions, that either animate the Hearti 
warm the Soul, place Virtue in her Orb, or give 
Vice her Dungeon. I have been thinking what 
this ought principally to be attributed to ; and am 
of Opinion, it is more to the prevailing Taftes of 
the different Ages, than to a Sterility of Invention 
in our Writers, or the natural Depravity of our 
Cotemporary Auditors : However, I am ^xtrem^fy 
enraged to fee a Play, intrinidcally go6d, afiaffi- 
nated, and barbaroufly murdered, by an i)ijudi« 
cious Performer, which has been too frequently the 
Cafe* The Audience never fails to be offended at 
luch a Difappointment } they at firft veiit tleir 

.DiiTatisfa^ion on the Player, and afterwards IkNid 
the Condu& of the Managers with innumerable 
Invedlives : Though this Refentment is mifapplied 
both to the one and the other. What c^ a Miana- 
ger do, if a tyrannical Sultan of a Player will Ihew 
bis arbitrary Difpofition ; if the ambitious Hero 
ftruts with Infolence behind the Scenes, and abib* 
lutely refufes to play that CharaSer which is adapted 

. to his Abilities? How is a Manager to blarney if 
fuch a Performer Ih'ou'd violently dii^ain the Jjtjgkf 
lity of his folemn Engagements, and refufe oq^ 
Nig^t tQ play becaufe he has an AppointmcDt with 



ni MIDWIFE. ^s 

a favourite Adre(s, and a fucceeding Night becaufe 
his Head has been difordered with the Intemperance 
of his Bacchanalian Companions? Perhaps there 
is fuch a Perfon : Nay, perhaps there are fome Wo- 
men who have equally difappointed the Town; 
becaitfe, forfooth, the Pride pf one Lady, is put in 
Oppofition againft the Vanity of another. 

The Stage is a little Republic, whofe Conftitu- 
tion is very myfterious : It has not yet been con* 
fidently aflerted, whether it is a democratical, or 
an oligarchical Government: Sometimes indeed 
it has a Refemblance of the Venetian Legiflature, 
where the judicial Authority concentres in the 
Nobility \ and at others it feems like the Genoefe^ 
where the Populace are predominant : One while 
it has an Appearance of the Swedi/b Conftitution, 
where the Monarch is invefted with all the Appa* 
ratus of Royalty, without the Power 5 At another 
time It approaches to a Similitude of the policical 
Syftem of our own Nation, where the Sovereign 
and the Subjc£l a£t with a concurrent Zeal for the 
Promotion of their mutual Felicity, and the Pre- 
fervation of national Liberty : It has once or twice 
been like the Prerogative of the French Monarch ; 
bytit has never yet been fimilar to the arbitrary 
Power of Rujpa^ or any of the oriental Empires : 
Though for fometime paft it has been extremely 
correspondent to the Pelijh Conftitution, where 
the proud Subject not only afpires to outvie the 
Magnificence of his Prince, but endeavours to 
obftru£t the general Welfare of the Gonmiunity, 

Fa to 



76 ne MIDWIFE. 

to gratify his own ambitious and unruly Paflions : 
And it has alfo been fomewhat fynonimous to the 
Dutch Commonwealth, where every Deputy en« 
deavours to accpmplifh his own Bufmeis, and then 
defer ts the Intereft of the Public. 

Hence the Managers of our Theatres are obliged 
to deface a beautiful Chara£ter> by a Mifapplica- 
tion of the Performers ; and the Performer is ob- 
liged to expofe his own Inability in a Part for which 
^e was never adapted, though he might have at- 
,tra<fted Applaufe in thofe Charafters which were 
•peculiarly his own. We are not redundantly 
flocked in what is generally called the ufeful Player, 
that is the univerfal one : Mr. Rich has been long 
happy in fuch a Perfon, by the Attachment of Mr. 
Ryan to the New Houfci and the Managers of the 
Old Houfe are now equally happy in Mr. Berry^ 
:Who IS meritorious of Praife in every thing he un- 
^dertakes; but I am particularly delighted vi^ilh this 
.Performer in every Scene, where he has an Oppor- 
,tunity of exerting the Force of aged Grief, or the 
Sentiments of a grateful Friend : I was indeed aftp- 
nlfli'd at his late Performance in the Chara£ter of 
Horatio in the Fair Penitent ^ where his noble De- 
portment in the Scene between him and Lothario^ 
io fenfibly ftruck the Audience, that every judicious 
Spedbtor was now confciojs that a Gem may 
be long undiftinguiihed, and an excellent-Player be 
long prevented from obtaining that Applaufe, which 
the pleafed Heart (hpu'd fondly beftow on the Pro- 
moter of its Felicity, 1 have obfcrvcd, that this 

Performer 



The MIDWIFE. 77 

Performer isequaUy remarkable for a Readinefs to 
ferve his Fellow Players^ in ading any CharaAer 
for their Benefit, and this is a Point of Integrity as 
feldom to be found on the Stage, as Honefty is on 
die Change of Amfterdam :• Though I muft obferve 
in Jufttce to the Charader of MuGarrickj that 
his mofl inveterate Enemies cannot help confeffiiig, 
that his Alacrity and Diligence in promoting and 
attending to the Intereft of his Performers, has been 
fingularly great, and uncommonly generous : T)his 
Gentleman has conftantly performed in almoft every 
Play fince the Commencement of the Benefits; 
out of 170 Plays, fince the beginning of the Seafon, 
he has adfed more than Ninety Nights, smd 
where he did not perform in any Benefit, it was 
by the Choice of that Perfon who was intitled to 
it. Indeed this Manager has fo laborioufly en* 
deavoured to promote the Intereft of every Indivi* 
dual belonging to his Houfe, that I believe he has 
been extremely concerned to perceive thofe Jeal6u- 
fies'andAnimofities fo natural among the many Com* 
petitors for theatrical Fame, and the envious Behol* 
ders of a crouded Benefit : For I heard him,as I was 
the otberNight behind the Scenes, piibltckly declare to 
two or three grumbling Performers, who had been dif- 
appointed of fullHoufesat their Benefits, that he was 
^eady to oblige them all as far as his Ability extend- 
ed, without any Partiality ; for, while they were 
endeavouring to diftrefs one another, by their un- 
feafonable Negligence or Refentment, he was de- 

F 3 termined 



78 Wr M I D W I F E. 



,• 



termined to.affift them all, without anyDiftiiK^iqn, 
from his beft to the moft inferior Performer : at 

■ 

the fame time kindly reconmiending it to them all, 
awhile to forget the Pleafures of the Country, and 
confult the Intereft of thofe whofe Benefits were ap; 
proaching. 

I muft acknowledge myfelf to be fo great an 
Admirer of Mr. Garrick*s Dramatic Excellencies, 
that I am much chagrined if I cannot be prefent 
whenever he performs; and when I am fo hap* 
py to fee him in any of his principal Charadcrs, 
my aM Blood flows with a vivifying Swiftnefs thro* 
my icy Veins, I ani reanimated with all the Spirit 
of Youth, and am fure to clap him moft bearuly 
on every beautiful Excurfion with which be capti- 
vates the Soul : nay, I have been fo extraordinary 
fervent fometimes upon thefe Occafions, that I have 
attra£ted the Obfervation of a confiderable Part of 
the Audience, and at one time even of Mr» Garruk 
himfelf ; upon which Account feveral of my Ac- 
quaintance have entertained different Opinions of 
me, and my known Impartiality has not e(ca- 
ped uncenfured 5 fof Lady Boxlovey of Red-Lion 
Squarcy has confidently affirmed to the rich A|^o- 
thecary's Wife,, that I muff: pofitively have fome 
particular Regard for Mr.^ Garrick more extraorjdi'- 
nary than what was to bedifcerned from hisPerform- 
ances on the Stage : which Regard my good Sbropn 
Jhire Friend,, an elderly Lady, who lives in Panton^ 
Square, violently infifts is the Afiedtion or Love of 
an old doating Woman for a ^rightly hand fome 

youi^ 



-ne - M t\>^ W I t^E. -. f9 

young Gendbman*; and if I was to U jit Love with 
hini« file does not fo Aiuch"v^onidei- at it^ beeaiife 
ihe fays file once fell in Love with a Man only for 
the Delicacy of his Voice : but Mrs. Vainbrow^ 
the young Widow of Condutt-Street^ will Eav'e it, 
that it is impoflible a Woman of my Years and 
Difcretion (hou'd have a Heart fufceptible of the 
J'bwer^fMan; and,, with the greateftAiTurance, 
reports, that Mr. Garrick was really brought into 
the World iinder my Care ; which occafions me fo 
flrenuouily to vindicate whatever he does in Pf'e- 
ference to Mr. j&^rry, who ftefays is a fine tall 
proper Man, and has a fweet Voice, only fijch old 
Women as I am are . too pbftjnate to praife any 
Thing that ot;her Peo|)le ai« fond of commending. 
I cannot really fay I ever, took a \&ry particular 
Notice of Mn Barryj, and therefoxv won^'r ideny 
that he may be a handfome Man : but the laft 
Time tfaw Mr. Garrick in the Chara£ter of -Z»- 
iharioy I could npt h^lp recolle£Hng what the Au*- 
tfior of thfe kbfctad fay^ of him, with which, as I 
think it is no ftrained- Compliment^ I (hall conclude. 
thefe Obfervations :. 

r. — r-T7 thoMghno martialPort^ i 
No Stride majjefiic» and no Fr<xnt augiift^ . 
Hia.Peslbn.g^q'd; ytl Naturi in^hi^Eyt , 

RoU'd beauteous, on his Vifage ftampt the Seail 
Of rich Perfeftion dignify'd by Art\ 
And from his Soul beamed forth the brighteftHay 

. . . ■ That 



^6 /TAf rMIDWIFJL 

That Y^rkkMeiUiaaXfiiftjre f^'ct 



«i 



EPIGRAM. 

O/ir /le^^ Jlne Gmlmen di/puti^ an ReBpMi 

ON Grace, Freewill, and Myft'ries hig^ 
Two Wits barangu'd the Table; 
B y believes he knows not wfajt 

.A^*-Hb fwears ^tis all a Fable. 
Peace, Jdiots, Peace *— and both agree, 

N^^Jh kifs thy empty Brother; 
Religion laughs at Fois like thee. 
But dreads a Friend like t'other. 



( ^0 tU Utile Ekvatora in Pifetry who hv^ to 

. Surfrife. 

Gentlemen^ 

T\ H E following fublime Defcription of a Storm 
^ was wrote, in Manner of a certain Great 
Author, from which I hope yoii will receive a green 
deal of Pleafure and Benefiti as ic is in all Refpe^ 

greatly - worthy your Imitation. 

> 

A^when.inbluftring, thundering, wintry Daya^ 
• The Bully Boreas on his Bagpipe plays ; 

When 



rbe M 1 D^ I F E. 8i 

When old Aquarius ducks this e^rthTy Ball, 
And empties on our Heads his Urinal ; 
When rumblingClouds on grumbling Clouds do daib. 
And 'midft the flaAing Lightnings Lightnings flafli \ 
Hogs, Dogs, and Men, perceive the troubled Sky^ 
Hogs, Dogs, and Men, away for Shelter fly % 
While all around, the black, dark, gloomy Scene 
Looks grey, looks white, looks red, looks blue» 

looks green ^ 
So green, fo blue, fo red, fo^rey, fo white. 
Looked Don Grimelchio^ when be (aw the Sprighf« 

Gentlemen^ 

Tour Servant y and fo forth^ 
M. Midnight* 



♦ Frm /iitf R A M B L £ R. 

Redditum Cyri folio Phraaten, 
DiJJidens Plebtj Numero beatorum^ 
Eximit virtus: Polumque falfis. 

Dedocet \tti 
Vocibu'5. HoR. - 

IN the' Reign of Jingbiz Can^ Coinquerpr of the 
Eaft, in the City of Samareandy Jived Nou- 
radin the Merchant, renowned throughout all tke 

• A Paper pubii/Fd e<very Tuefday and Saturday, 
price 2d. 'wrhich really merits the utmoji Attention '■ and 
Encouragement of the Publick. 

Re. 



8^ the MIDWIFE. 

Regions of India for the Extent of his Commerce 
and the Integrity of his Manners* Hb Ware- 
houfes were filled with all the Commodities of the 
remoteft Nations ; every Rarity of Nature, every 
Curiofity of Art, whatever was valuably . whatever 
was ufeful, hafted to his Hand. The Streets wer^ 
crouded with his Carriages, the Sea was covered 
w^ith his Ships, the Streams of Oxus were wearied 
with Conveyance, and every Breeze of the Sky 
wafted Wealth to Umradin. 
• At length Nouradin felt himfelf feieed with a flo.v 
Malady, which he firft endeavoured to divert by 
Application, and afterwards to relieve by Luxury 
and Indulgence ; but finding his Strength every 
Day leis, he was at laft terrified, and called for 
Help upon the Sages of Pbyficjc ; they filled his 
Apartments with Alexipharmicks, Refloratives> 
and eflfential Virtues; the Pearls of the Ocean were 
diflblved, the Spices of Arabia were diftilled, and 
all the Powers of Nature were employed to give 
new Spirits to his Nerves, and new Balfam to his 
Blood. Nouradin was for fome time amufed with 
Promifes, invigorated with Cordials, or foothed 
with Anodynes > but the Difeafe preyed upon bis 
-Vitals, and be foon-difcovered; with. Indignation, 
'that Health was not to. be bought. :He was con- 
'-'fined to his Chamber, deferted by hb Pbyficians, 
and. rarely vifitcd . by .his Friends ; but his Unwil- 
lingne(s to die flattered him long with Hopes of 
Life. : ' ' 

M 



nr MID vriF E. 83 

At length, having pafled the Night in tedious 
Languor, he called to him Almamoulinj his only 
Son, and having difmifled hb Attendants, << My 
«< Son," fayshe,<< behold herd' the Weaknefs and 
^* FnigiliQr of Man ; look backward a few Days^ 
<* thy Father was great and happy, frefli as the 
^ mrhal Roie, iind iliDng as the Cedar of the 
<< Mountain ; -the Nadons of the Eaft drank his 
** Dews, and Art and* Gommerce delighted in his 
*^ Shade. Malevolence beheld me, and fighed ; 
^* bis Root, -flie cried, is %xtA in the Depths ; it is 
<< watc^red by the Foiintaihs of Oxus ; it fends out 
<< Branches '^r,'afid bids-Defiance to tfae-Biaft; 
'** Prudence T^dines a^idft his Trunks and Pro- 
** fperity dances tn his Top. 'NoHie, Almamoulm^ 
<^ look npon me withering and proftrate s look 
« i^n me, jiiid attend, tfaave traificked, Iha^ 
<< profperM,' V haVe noted^ in Ckin, toPf Hcufe Fs 
** ^lendid, ^ Servatife ^e^iMimerMs ; yet Idit 
** played ohly ifmall Partofmy Ridics; the rdl, 
** which I was hindered from enjoying by the 
*• Fear of railing Envy' or tempting Rapacity, 
**'Ihave piled in Tolvers, I have buried in Csf- 
^^ verns,' I have hidden in fecret Repofitorics, 
** which this Scroll 'will difcover. ' My Purpofe 
**' was, after ten Months more fpent in Commerce, 
* ^* to have withdrawn my Wealth to a fafer Coon- 
^< try; to bav6 given fevcn Years to Delight and 
** "Feftivity, and the reiiiaining Part of my Days to 
^^ Solitude and Repentance;, but the Hand of 
*^ Death is upon me ; ^ a^ frigorificfc Torpor «n- 

*< creaches 



84 ."Thi M I D ^y I F E. 

«« croaches upon my Veins 5 I am now leaving the 
«« Produce of my Toil, which it muft be thy Bufi* 
«« nefs t© enjpy with Wifdom.'* The Thought of 
leaving his Wealth filled Nouradin with fuch Grief^ 
ihat he fell into Convulfions, became delirious, 
and expired. 

. JlmamouliMy who loved his Father, was touched 

a while with honeft Sorrow, and fat two Hours in 

profound Meditation, without perufmg the Paper 

which. he held in. his Hand. He then retired to his 

own: Qiaml^er, as overborn with Affliction, and 

Jhere read the Inventory of his new PoiTefSons, 

;V^hich ivvfcU^d jiis Heart with; fuch Tranfports,^ that 

he no longer l^ented his Father's Death. ^He 

was now fufficiently compofed to order a Funeral 

.of modeft Magnificence, . fuitable at once to^ the 

Rank p{_ NpurofUn'siRrofeBion^ apd the Reputa- 

,Cion of^hifrliVealtti. The two next Nights he'fpent 

in v$fiting: the Tower and the Caverns, and found 

,the Treafures greater; to his Eye than to his Imagi« 

nation. 

Ahnamoulin had been bred to the Pradice .of 
exad Frugality, and had often looked with Envy 
on the Fineiry. and E^pences of other young Men ; 
•he therefdr^ bejieved that Happinefs was now in l^s 
«Power, fince he cpuld obtain all of which he had 
hitherto b^en acQuftomed to regret the Want. He 
refolved to give a Loofe to his Defires, to revel in 
Enjoy men.t,^ and feel Pain or Uneafinefs no more* 

He immediately procured a fplendid Equipage, 
dreifed his Servants .in. rich Embroidery 9 and co- 
vered 



ne MIDWIFE. S5 

vcred his Horfes with golden Caparifons. He • 
fliowered down Silver on tho Populace, and fufFered 
their Acclamations to fwell him with Infolence. 
The Nobles faw him with Anger, the wife Mea 
of the State combmed againft him, the Leaders of 
Armies threatened his Deftruilion. Almamoulin 
was informed of his Danger, he put on the Robe of 
Mourning in the Prefence of his Enemies, and ap^ 
peafed them with Gold, and Gems, and Suppli- 
cation. 

He then fought to ftrengthen himfelf by an Alii* 
ance with the Princes of Tartary^ and offered the 
Price of Kingdoms for a Wife of noble Birth. His 
Suit was generally rejeded and his Prefents refufed ; 
but a Princefs of AJlracan once condefcended to ad- 
mit him to her Prefence, She received him fitting 
on a Throne, attired in the Robe of Royalty, and 
ihining with the Jewels of Goncolda\ Command 
fparkled in her Eyes, and Dignity towered on her 
Forehead. Almamoulin approached and trembled. 
She faw his Confufion and difdained him ; how, 
fays fhe, dares the Wretch hope my Obedience, 
who thus {brinks at my Glance ; retire, and enjoy 
thy Riches in fordid Oftentation ; thou waft born 
to be wealthy, but never to be great. 

He then contrafted hb Defires to more private 
and domeilick Pleafures. He built Palaces, he 
laid out Gardens, he changed the Face of the Land^ 
he tranfplanted Forefts, he levelled Mountains^ 
opened Profpe^ts into diftant Regions, poured Rivers 

G from 



86 The MIDWIFE. 

from the Tops of Turrets, and rolled their Waters 
through new Channels. 

Thefe Amufements pleafed him for a Time, bat 
Languor and Wearinefs foon invaded him. His 
Bowers loft their Fragrance, and the Waters mur- 
mered without Notice. He purchafed large Tra£b 
of Land in diftant Provinces, adorned them with 
Houfes of Pleafure, and diverfified them with Ac- 
commodations for different Seafons. Change of 
Place at firft relieved his Satiety, but all the No- 
velties of Situation were foon exhaufted ; he found 
his Heart vacant, and his Defires, for want of ex- 
ternal Obje£b, ravaging himfelf. 

He therefore returned to Samarcand^ and (tt 
open his Doors to all thofe whom Idlenefs fends out 
in Search of Pleafure. His Tables were always co- 
vered with Delicacies ; Wines of every Vintage 
fparkled in his Bowls, and his Lamps fcattered Per* 
fumes. The found of the Lute, and the Voice of 
the Singer chafed away Sadnefs ; every Hour was 
crouded with Pleafure, and the Day ended and bc«» 
gan with Feafts and Dances, and Revelry and Mer* 
riment .Almamulin cried out, << Ihaveat laft found 
•< the Ufe of Riches ; I am furrounded by Friends 
<« who view my Greatnefs without Envy, and I 
«« enjoy at once the Raptures of Popularity, and 
«« the Safety of an obfcure Station. What Trou- 
«« ble can he feel whom Jail are ftudious to pleafe, 
<• that they may be repaid with Pleafure ? What 
«« Danger can he dr^ad to whom every Man is a 
« Friend ?" 

Such 



rbe MIDWIFE. ^7 

Such were the Thoughts of Almamouliny as he 
looked down from a Gallery upon the gay Affem- 
bly regaling at his Expence ; but in the Midft of 
this Soliloquy, an Officer of Juftice entered the 
Houfe, and in the Form of legal Citation, fum- 
moned Almamoulin to appear before the Emperor. 
The Guefls flood a while aghaft, then ftole im- 
perceptibly away, and he was led oflF without a 
Friend to witneis his Integrity. He now found 
one of his moft frequent Vifitants accufing him of 
Treafon in Hopes of fharing his Confifcation ; yet^ 
unpatronifed and unfupported, he cleared himfelf 
by the Opennefs of Innocence and the Confiilence 
of Truth ; he was difmilTed with Honour, and his 
Accufer perifhed in Prifon. 

Almamoulin now perceived with how little Re»- 
fon he had hoped for Juftice or Fidelity from thofe 
who live only to gratify their Senfes, and having 
wearied himfelf with vain Experiments upon Life, 
and fruitlefs Searches after Felicity, he had Re- 
courfe to a Sage, who, after fpending his Youth 
in Travel and Obfervation, had retired from all 
human Cares, to a fmall Habitation on the Banks 
of Oxus^ where he converged only with fuch as fo- 
licited his Counfel. " Brother," faid the Philo- 
fopher, *' thou haft fuffered thy Reafon to he de- 
<' luded by idle Hopes, and fallacious Appearances* 
«^ Having long looked with Defire upon Riches, 
*« thou hadft taught thyfelf to think them more 
•* valuable than Nature defigned them, and to ex- 
<< ped from them what Experience has taught thee 

G 2 " tbft.^ 



S8 7Jbe MIDWIF E. 

they cannot give. That they, da not confer 
Wifdom thou mayft be convinced by coiifider- 
ing at how dear a Price they terapted thee upon 
thy firft Entrance into the World, to purchafe 
the empty Sound of vulgar Acclamation. That 
they cannot beftow Fortitude or Magnanimity, 
that Man may be certain, who flood trembling 
at Aftracan before a Being not naturally fuperior 
to himfelf. That they will not fupply unex- 
haufted Pleafure, the RecolIe<Sion of forfaken 
Palaces and negle<Sled Gardens will eafily inforpi 
thee. That they cannot purchafe Friends, thou 
didft foon difcover when thoii wert left to ftand 
thy Trial uncountenanced and alone. Yet think 
not Riches ufelefs 5 there are Purpofes to which 
a wife Man may be delighted to apply them ; 
they may, by a rational Oiflribution, eafe the 
Pains of helplefs Difeafe, fiill the Throbs of 
reftlefs Anxiety, relieve Innocence from Op- 
preffion, and raife Impotence to Cheerfulnefs and 
Vigour. This they will enable thee to perform, 
and this will afford the only Happinefs ordained 
for our prefent State, the Confidence of divine 
Favour, and the Hope of future Rewards." 



rbi 



«^ M I D W I F E. 89 

Tbi Midwife's Politicks : Or, GoJ/ip^s Chro^ 
nicle of the Affairs of Europe. 

Portugal and Spain. 

THE Dominions of his'moft faithful Majefty af- 
ford no material Intelligence ; thoogk this young 
Monarch » endeavouring to encourage the maritime In- 
tereft of his Country, to aboliih the Rigour of thofe in- 
homan Diredors of the Inquiiition, and to promote the 
general Felicity of his Subjeds. His moft Catholic Ma- 
jcfty is vigilantly attempting to re-eflablifh his Marine^ 
whkh was almoft totally rained during the late War r 
He alfo applies himfelf diligently to whatever may con- 
tribute to the Happinefs of his Subjeds, and the Prof- 
perity of his. Kingdom ; to accomplilh whrch» fuch pru- 
dent Meafures are taken, as already indicate their Utilit)^, 
by the Progrefs which has been fo quickly made in the 
Manufactures and Cultivation of Land in the Kingdom : 
—-Whatever the Spaniards are/ 1 cannot help a&ing, if 
ibme People are not highly culpable in fuffering Englifh 
Workmen to quit their own Country, and carry their 
Improvements in Manufadlures among the Natives of 
Spain. Mr. Keen has prefented a Memorial concerning 
the Navigation of the Englifh in the Weft- Indies, fo as 
to prevent, by means of Tome fixed Regulation, the irre- 
gularities which they ftill complain of, efpecrally in re« 
gard to the Right they pretend to have of trading to the 
Bay of Honduras : The Spanifti Council has been em- 
ployed for fome Days in examining this Memorial ; but 
I will venture to pronounce, that the Spaniards will ne- 
ver acknowledge this Right, and will ftill procraftinatc 
every Meafure which Don Benjamin can undertake to 
remove their Inflexibility. A Rumour is fpread, that 
the Spaniards have invefted Gibraltar ; but if they have, 

G 3 1 



so Tie MIDWIFE. 

I (hall call them a Parcel of Old Womeii^ for they oa^ 
to remember the Deftrodion of their Qoixotic Army 
when they befieged this fonnidable Fortrels tn the Year 
1 727; and they may be afiiired that this Place will be 
impregnable to the Spaniardty till foch tkne as they can 
get an Admiral and a Fleet, with the Bravery of 8ir 
George Rook, and the Refolution of firitifh Sailors, in 
which they may be the more readily convinced by re- 
ceding on what happened to them in the Year 1 704*^ 
when Admiral Leake defeated the united Squadrons of 
France and Spain, and raifed the Siege 'Of Gibraltar, .af- 
ler they had befieged it by Sea and Land for upwards o^ 

£ve Months* 

Italy. 

His Sicilian Majefly has fettled a Fund of 8oo,ooa 
Crowns to carry a Scheme into £xecution for eftabliih- 
ing an Aflurance Of!ice,upon the fame Plan with thofe that 
have been ere£led long ilnce in other European Countries 
relative to Commerce. It is alfo currently reported, that 
a mariiime Academy will ihortly be edabliHied, for the 
more expeditious Inilrudion of the Neapolitan Sailors in. 
the Art of Navigation. Such a Condudl as this, is a^ 
corroborating Indance; that though Sir Robert Wal- 
pole was old Woman enough to ellabliih Don Carlos in^ 
his regal Donunions, the Monarch is not Child enoughs 
to value the iii^yal Gewgaw of the Sicilian Crows, and^ 
tfkes thfi'inoll prudential Steps for making it Hereditary. 
in the Bourbon Family ; the Promotign of which in (o^ 
extraordinary a Manner, on the Ruins of the Houfe od 
Jufiria^ we are now convinced, was entirely owing to^ 
ttie Councils of fome blundering old Woman on this Sid& 
the Water. 

The Corfairs of Barbary continue - to molell the Trade- 
agon the Coa^of the EcdeiiaAic Sta^e- xnore tt^an ever,. 

upoa 



ne M I D W I F E. 91 

upon which Orders have been fent to Ctviu Vecchia^ 
to fit oot the Pope's Galleys as foon t» pofliUc, Thefe 
Rovers daily commit great Depredations in the Medi- 
terranean, and are become fo formidable,, that iA the be* 

finnijig; of laft Month, there failed from Algiers 2S armed 
^efiels, to cruize againft the Chriftian Powers^ whd 
took their Routtowajrds Sicily and the Adriatic Sea. The 
Tuaiiians and Tripolines have feveral Vefiiels at Sea,, 
who render Navigation perilloiiSv and greatly prejudice 
Commerce : Bat as the Coart of Naples^ the ReJigion 
of Malta, and the Genoefe, are preparing to go in Pur- 
(iiit. of theie Pirates, it is expeded they will be able to 
give them a Check, efpecially as it is reported that the 
Coart of Spain has ordered (everal Men of War and 
Xebecks from AHcant and other Ports, to fail in queil of 
thefe free-booting Bavbarians, 

The Republic of Venice has fettled the Di^erences 
with the Court of Vienna, concerning the Patriarchfhip of 
Aquileia, and has alfo concluded a Convention with the 
fame Court for five Years; by Virtue of which they are 
reciprocally to deliver upallDeferters, Malefaftors^Bank- 
cupts, &c., At the fame time they have agreed, that 
the Conferences began between their refpedlive Commif- 
ieries foe iettling the Limits of the Tyroleze, and the 
Confines of the Republic, fhall be continued at Rove- 
redo, till the Bufinefs be finally concluded: They like- 
wife talk of a Defenfive Alliance between the Imperial: 
Court and the Venetians, againft the Turks, who are 
aflerobled in Dalmatia. — So e/cellent a Determiner of 
Pifierences is Danger I 

F R ANC E« 

The French Miniftry diicover at prefent no Fnclina.. 
tiott-tofoment Differences amonjg their Neighbours, but 

rather 



92 «^ M I D W I F E. 

rtther to coltivate the g^eral Peace ; from w&ence It ii 
highlx i»t>bable their Syftem h broken in the North; 
and that they are now at a ftand where elfe to blow op 
the Coak of Diflention : However, they are extreme^ 
▼igifamt in augmenting their naval Force, which iia 
Matter that deferves the Attention of Mother Britaumcai 
for the French have lately launched a Ship of 80 Gnns at 
Toulon, and there are now upon the Stocks two of 74 
Guns, two of 64, a Frigate of 36 Guns, and five, 
ral Xebecks. M. Orry de Tuivy, Counfellor of State^ 
and Snperintendant of the Finances, died lately, in the 
48th Year of his Age ; and Cardinal Tencin has obtainM 
Penniffion to retire to his Diocefe, with thu Mark of 
royal Elleem, that he may come and attend the Council 
of State whenever he pleafes. It is now reported that 
the Forces of the Great Mogul, who had invelled Pon« 
dicherry, have been obliged to abandon the Siege. 

Nb TH ERLAND S. 

Inteftine Commotions feem fiill to threaten the Dutch 
Republic, where the Death of the Countefs of Portland 
Tery much embarrafles the Party which is in the true In-* 
terell of the Country : So that Meflieurs Paget, Catwyck, 
and Larrey, who are the principal Perfons attached to the 
Prince Stadholder, it*s apprehended will not be in a Con» 
dition of refitting the Torrent of his Serene Highne6*8 
Enemies, who are inceflantly traverfing his Projefts, 
though they are apparently calculated for the good of 
the Republic. The natural Confequcnce of thefe d^ il 
Difcords among the States, is the gradual Decay of their 
Importance with the ndghbooring Powers, which be« 
comes more and more vifible every Day: Even the 
Court of France will hear no talk of renewing the Treatf * 
of Commerce concluded in i739» which it has entirely 

changed^ 



ne MIDWIFE. 93 

changed, confident with its own particular intereft, with- 
out favouring the the Dutch in the leail ; who, like good- 
natured eafy old Women, wer« contented to hear his 
inoft Chridian Majedy declare them his good Friends* 
while he was bombarding their barrier Towns about their 
Ears. Baron d^ImhofF, wha fo cruelly mafTacred the 
Chinefe in BataviA, died there on the i ft of November 
lafty and is Succeeded by M. Mofell, firft Counfellor and 
DireAor-General, in the Government of all the Dutch 
Settlements in the Eaft-Indies. 

GbRM A N Y, 

The Court of Vienna has not yet been able to accom- 
plifti its grand Defign in elefting the young Archduke 
Jofeph to the Dignity of King of the Romans ; in which 
k is principally oppoTed by his Pruflian Majefty, who 
feems to be the mod vigilant and cautious of all the Prin- 
ces of Europe, as perhaps he has more to fear from his 
Neighbour than any other Prince of Germany : The 
Power he has lately acquired by the Conqued of Silefia* 
and its Dependencies, has alarmed thofe who before re- 
garded him only as apon a Level with the other Ele£iors; 
and his Alliance with France, which he finds necedary 
to preferve his Weight, adds to their Jealoufy. The 
Eledor of Cologn has at lad convinced us that he is little 
better than an old Woman, by entering into a Treaty 
with France, whereby bis Eledoral HighneTs engages to 
entertain a Body of 6oco Troops for the Service of his 
mod Chridian Majedy, who engages on his Part to pa/ 
that Prince a Subddy of 2 70,000 German Florins. How* 
ever, the Court of Vienna feems to aim at difuniting the 
Bourbon Family, for the Marriages are now talked of 
between the Infant Don Lewis of Spain and the elded 
Archducheis of Audria, aixi the Archduke Jofeph with a 

Princeis of the Two Sicilies . 

Den- 



94 The MIDWIFE. 

# 

D B N M A It K. 

His Dani(h Majeftjr hat publifhed an Edia relating to 
the Greenland Trade, whereby he enlarges the Grant 
to the Company of Commerce trading to the Colonies 
of Greenland ; ordering that the Penalty of Seizure and 
Confifcation ihall take Place with Refpe6i to all and 
every one, whether Natives or Foreigners, who (hall at- 
tempt to trade there : declaring that the Limits (hall extend 
I ; Miles on both Sides of each Colony, indading all the 
Places lying between the Weflern Ifles, an.i Blackbird's Bay. 

Sweden. 
At length, by the Death of the old King of Sweden, 
that Crown is defcended upon the Head of Adolphoi 
Frederic, Duke of Holftein, and Bifhop of Entin. This 
Prince is the Founder of the fecond Royal Family, do* 
rived from the Counts of Oldenburgh ; and when his Ne- 
phew, the Grand Duke of Ruffia, comes to fucceed her 
prefent Czarian Majefty, the Three Northern Crowns 
will be all vefted in Princes of the fame Houfe, which 
will then be no leis formidable in the North, than the 
Houfe of Bourbon is in the South of Europe. The Ac- 
ceffion of this Monarch to the Swedifh Throne, promtfes 
to produce no Alteration in the Syftem of Government, 
which was the Point fo much contended for by Ruffia ; 
his Majefty, by his Coronation Oath, having folemnly 
wgaged to obferve the prefent Form of Government, 
which has given the Swedes fuch an additional Scene of 
Liberty fince the Death of Charles XII. The King has 
wrote a Letter to the Czarina, giving her the ftrongeft 
AiTurances of his fincere Deiire to maintain a perfe^ 
Friend(hip with her Imperial Majefty. 

Rus s I A. 

The Court of Peter(burg feems entirely fatisiied with 
the Declarations o£ his Swedifh Majeily, wherein he 

pro* 



ne MIDWIFE. 95 

promifes that his firft Care (hall be to cdofinii; as King, 
the Engagements he contradted as Prince SuccefTor. 
There are above 100,000 Troops in the conquered Pro- 
vinces, to guard againft an/ Attempts from the Side of 
Pruffia i nor are the Ruffians at all intimidated at the Ap- 
proach of the Turks towards the Frontiers. Ever/ 
Thing Teems to go on profperoufly under the Direflion 
of the Czarina, who is herfelf a very fenfible Lady, and 
I dare (ay has many worthy old Women hi her Cabmet; 
tho* fome of the young ones belonging to her Court, have 
aded in a moft furprizing Manner^ by impeaching their 
own Father, Count Douglas, of treafonable Pradices ; 
bat this is apprehended to be only the Effeds of Love ; 
an Inftance that this fubtle Flame is more predominant in. 
thefe frozen Regions of the North than filial Duty. 

Domestic Occvrrbncbs. 

Laft Week an Expre(s arrived from Commodore Hoi- 
bom, with an Account that the French had entirely eva« 
cuated the Iflands of Tobago, St. Lucia, and St. Vin- 
cent : if this be true, all the old Women in Bar- 

badoes may fing Oh be joyful, becaufe they will now 
have a Supply of Timber for Crutches, which their own 
Ifland is entirely deflitute of. 

1 6. There was a Call of the Houfe of Commons, 
when upwards of 400 Members were prefent, to attend 
on the Bill for naturalizing foreign Protefiants, which has 
been happily rgefled, to the great Joy of the Inhabitants 
of Briflol, whofe Corporation had prefented a Petition to 
the Houfe in Favour of the Bill, though there were no 
more than 40 who took upon them to reprefent the ge- 
neral Voice of the People, which was fpeedily oppofed 
by a Counter-petition,, figned by almoil aooo of the 
principal Inhabitants. 

MARY 



MARY MIDNIGIfr, to afl Pbtentites. PHmeMini- 
den, PoliticiaD}, Heads gf Hoaiby Fellows of Col* 
leges, Counfellors and Thy Beans, whether Afa/e or 

Dearly helrvei^ 

AS we are fullf perfuaded chat 70Q have, all and 
every of you, our iDtereft greatly at Heart, we 
take this Opportunity to gratify you with the 
good Tidings, that we hare now compleated tht Firjl 
Volame of our Midwife, Or, OldlV^wuin* Magaicine^ 
which has obtained the San^lion, Imprimatur wl £n- 
conrageoient of the Literati of all Nations. And thb you 
are defired to fignify to all your Friends, Allies, and 
Dependents, that they may compleat their Books ac- 
cordingly ; and pofTefs themfelves of a Work, for the 
Condufion of which Publius Ovidius Naso wrote 
the following Lines in the Golden Age of Aooustv^* 
Jamqui ofm» exegij qu§d ntc Jruis Irm necignis^ 
Nee poterlt ferrum, nee edax abolere Vetuftas, 

Which in plain Englifli runs thus : 
Nonu 1 ba've aceomplijhed a Worky twhicb neither the 
Wrath of yo>oe, nor Firty nor Sijoordy nor the Tooth of 
Timijball be able to aholijb. 

2>carly Beloved, 

Yours with great Truth, 

Mary Midnight. 
N. B. We (hould have informed you, that many of 
the Numbers contained in that Work, have flew with the 
Impetuofity of a Whirlwind through fourteen Editions^ 
maugre all the Oppofitions, Thefts, and artful Contri- 
vances of the Enemies of Wit, found Senfe, and good 
Learning ; but as fuch Information might have looked 
like a Puff, we parpofely avoided it. 

%• No fingle Numbers of the Firft Volume will be 
fold after the 25th of June next, and from that Period of 
Time, that Volume which now fells for Twco SbillingSi 
will be advanced to Two Shillings and Six* pence. 

Sold by my Publiflier, T, Carnan, at Mr. Newberj\ 
at the Bible and Sun in St.PauFs Church-Yard. 



197^ 



The MIDWIFE. 



NUMBER III. 



VOL. n. 



Mrs, Midnight's Dijfertation on the Perpe- 
tual Notion. 

TH £ Prejudice, that the Publick has imbibed 
in Favour of all my Performances, induces 
me to believe, that my Readers, at the 
firft Glance on the Title of this Difiertation, will 
precipitately conclude, that there is a Typogra«> 
phical Error, and that I am adually about to com- 
municate to die World the wonderful Difcovery of 
the Perpetual Motion. However, I proteft at pre* 
fent, I have no fuch Defign ; not that I will abfo* 
lately promife to conceal that Secret from Mankind 
much longer ; but my prefent Bufinefs is to treat 
on* the Perpeiu<tt Notion^ which I define to be an 
inherent Opinion (I will not fay an innate one, for 
fear of being faaunled by the Ghoft of Join Locke) 
Vou II- H I lay. 



98 The MIDWIFE. 

I fay, an inlierent Opinion every Individual has, 
that he either now is, or at fome Time, will be a 
Pcrfon of great Confequence. This is the Perpe* 
iual Nstiorty and, I will be bold to fay, is of more 
Service to the Happinefs and Well-being of Man, 
than any Mechanick Art, that ever was invented. 
What makes the 'Prentice chearfuUy ploij thro' a 
feven Year's Servitude, but the Perpetual Notion 
he will one Day be a Matter^ What makes the 
Lover go thra* a ten Year's Siege, but a Perpetual 
Notion that the fair Obftinate will at length fur-, 
render ? What makes the Toadeater to a State- 
Mountebank think there is Muftck m his Chains, 
and Dignity in his Difgrace, but the Perpetual No* 
tii?n of his fome time being raifed on that very Pe- 
deftal, which is at prefent the Support of his Idol ? 
By Means of the Perpetual Notion every Body has 
always zProfpeSt^ and zProfpeSfis a very goodThing 
at a very great DiAance ; thofe therefore who have 
the leaft Expectations have the fineft ProfpeSi^ the 
Objects of their Defires being moft remote, which 
muft be a great Confolation to the Poor and the 
Unfortunate, But fee more of this in the fourteenth 
Volume of my Treatife on Perfpeflivc, which was 
lately publifhed at Amjierdam. 

Hope, that Paffion> which was given to amufe 
us from the Confideration of real Mifery, by delu- 
ding u8 with vifionary Happinefs, is founded on 
the Perpetual Notion^ which nothing can deftroy 
but Self-Contempt and Defpair ; Difeafes of the 
Mind not incident to one Man in ten Million. ^ 

Every 



ne MIDWIFE. 99 

Every Perfon is fond of Exiftence, every Perfon 
wou*d fain be Somebody^ sl Perpetual Notion highly 
cherifhed by many a Min, who, in Faft, is JV(n- 
body. 

The brifk Minor that pants for Twenty-one, 
the brifker Damfel that pants for a Hufband, the 
Culprit that wants to go abroad, and the Kxile chat 
fighs to come home, have no Peace, no Life, but in 
the Perpetual Notion. Even I myfelf, even Mary 
Midnight, who is wriung this Diflertation, 
wou*d want Spirits to comfort herfelf in her old 
Age, was it not for the Perpetual Notiohy that tho* 
the Works of her Hands bring nothing but frail 
Mortals into the World, yet the Works of her 
Head ihall triumph in Immortality. 

Reflections on Matrimony. 
By Mrs. Midnight, , 

Atrimony is of fuch Confequence to the In- 



M 



creafe and Well-being of Mankind, and fo 
connedted both with myPerfuafion and Profeflion, 
thatnolefs than two Millions of my Readers have pef- 
ter'd me with Letters to defire or rather demand 
my Sentiments on the Subjeft. 'Tis remarkable, 
that Sir Thomas Morey in his * Utopia, treats of 



• A beautiful Edition in Englilh of this Work ad 11 
Jbcrtlj he publijh'^d by Mr. Newbery. 

H 2 this 



loo rbe MIDWIFE. 

this State under the Article of Servitude : I fay, 
'tis remarkable, and I am afraid that I muft be 
obliged to own 'tis- judicious. Not that I wou'd 
be underilood to caft any Reflcdions on my own 
Sex by thisExpreffion; for, in the Circle of my Expe- 
rience, I have met with more Male Tyrants than 
Female ones ; but I have ftill found in, moft Houfcs 
an Emperor^ or Emfrefs^ whereas the Dominion, 
I apprehend, ought to be divided ; or, to ufi: a 
Phrafe of Shakefpear^ There ihou'd be fuch an 
UnUn in the Partition^ fuch a reciprocal Confor- 
mity, that the moft difcerning Eye ihou'd never 
know who has the Predominancy. It is fingular 
jand fomewbat lamentable, that there is more d 
Chance in Engagements of this Nature than in al- 
moft any other. I'his Conllderation made Butkr 
icxtreamly witty. 

There are no Bargains driven 

Nor Marriages made up in Heaven ; 
Which* is the Reafon, as fome gueis. 
There is no Heaven in Marriages. 

HUDIBRAS. 

The fingle Life is, to be fure, a very imperfe6l 
and a very nonfenfical onej and, in my Senfe, 
Carlibacy is as great a Crime as Polygamy ; but yet 
I wou'd not have our Youth too precipitate in their 
Choice. ~ l^hey arc too apt (in tjiie Language of 
Mr. Locke) to know but little, preiume a great 
deal, and jump to a Conclufion. The moft obvi- 
ous 



rjbi M I D W I F E. loi 

ous Affair, the very Introduftion to Marriage is the 
Pcrfoa; if that be eligible, the next Requifite for 
Peace and Happinefs is the Temper and Difpofition 
of the Mind J if that be mild, agreeable, and en- 
gaging, proceed we in the next Place to examine 
the Furniture of the Head i if Wit has fet up her- 
fclf there on the Bafis of Good Senfe, there can 
be no ObjeiSliona but I cry out with old JVeJlern in 
Tom Jones, " That's it my little Honies,** and 
will fend for the Parfon To-morrow. Such was my 
Choice in my late dear Mr. Midnight, to whom 
I bore fix and twenty Children, and with whom, 
for the Space of fix and fifty Years, I never had the 
leaft Shadow of a Quarrel. If we ever had any 
Difpute, it was not who ^^«V, but who^^wVw^^ 
Jiave the Sway and the Afcendancyj and I fhall 
never forget an P^xpreflion he once made ufe of to 
me, when I infifted upon relieving a poqr Family 
out of my own private Purfe. — " My Dear,, fays 
** he, how can you be fo unfair as to monopolize 
** Good- nature, and be fuch a Niggard^ that you 
•* will infill upon doing all the generous Things ' 
•' yourfelf," — ■ I intend, fhortly, to pub- 

lifli the whole Hiftory of my Amours with that befl 
of Men, from . which my fair Readers may extradl 
an hundred Recipes to make and keep them happy 
in their Conjugal State, which Squeamifhnefs itftif 
muft own to be the moft perfeft here below. ■■ 
Such is the Opinion of Sotomofty fiich of Socrates ^ ' 
fiich of Sir Thomas Money and fuch of Mary Midnight ^ 
four Pcrfons, {Swift wou'd fay) to which aH the 

H J •• Agsi ' 



102 7h€ MIDWIFE; 

Ages in the World (hall never be able to add a 

fifth. 



Mr. Juftice B u n"^d l e * s Charge to the Grand 

Jury. 

AL L Laws are Laws, and every Law is a 
LaWf and Laws are Things made by the 
Lawyers to make Men live according to LaW| 
without any Refpeft to the Gofpel, for that is ano- 
ther AfFair, and to be confidered at another Oppor- 
tunity, and by another Sort of Men, and in ano- 
ther Manner, Vide Coke upon Littleton^ Chap. X» 
Page 15. But as to the Law. Now there are 

fome Men that are good Men, and fome Men that 
are bad Men; and the bad Men are not the good 
Men, and the good Men are not the bad Men : •— 
But (he bad Men and the good Men, and the good 
Men and the bad Men are two different Sorts of 
Men) and this we gather from Magna Cbarta^ 
an pid Man that lived in the Reign of King John 
the Great. Now if all Men were good Men there 
•wou'd be no need of Law ; therefore, Ergo^ The 
Laws were made for the bad Men, and the good 
Men have no Bufmefe therewith, nor no Advantage 
to receive therefrom. Erg^^ therefore, thofe that 
receive. Advantage from the Law muft be bad Men ; 
And fo. Gentlemen, call up the Prifoners, and 
difpatch them as foon as pofflble| for I muft go out 

of Tf wn To-morrow. 

• Fr9m 



Tbi M I D W I F E. I03 



* From the RAMBLER. 

Taci4um Jihas inter reptare falubres 
Curantem quicquid dignum fapient$ bomque ejt. 

Ho R. 

THE Seafon of the Year is now come in 
which the Theatres are fhut, the Card Ta- 
bles forfaken, the Regions of Luxury are for a 
while unpeopled, and Pleafure leads out her Vota- 
ries to Groves and Gardens^ to ftill Scenes and 
erratick Gratifications. Thofe who have pafied 
many Months in a continual Tumult of Diverfion^ 
who have never opened their Eyes in the Morning 
but upon fome new Appointment, nor flept at 
Night without a Dream of Dances, Mufick and 
good Hands, or of foft Sighs, languishing Looks^ 
and humble Supplications, muft now retire to di- . 
fiant Provinces where the Syrens of Flattery arc 
fcarcely to be heard, where Beauty fparkles with- r 
out Praife or Envy, and Wit is repeated only by 
the £cho« 

As I think it one of the moft important Duties of 
foeial Benevolence, to g;ve warning of the Approach 
of Calamity when by timely Prcfvention it may be 
turned afide, or by preparatory Meafures be more , 



# A Paper pablUh*d every ^efcUy and SatmnHief, price 2 J, 

eafily 



I04 T$e M I D W I F E. 

eafily endured, I cannot feel the encreafing 
Warmth, or obferve the lengthening Days, with- 
out confidering the Condition of my fair Readers, 
who are now preparing to leave all that has fo long 
filled up their Hours, all from which they have 
been accuftomed to hope for Delight, and who, 
till Fafliion proclaims the Liberty of returning to 
the Seats of Mirth and Elegance, muft endure the 
rugged Squire, the fober Houfcwife, the loud 
Huntfman, or the formal Parfon ; the Roar of 
obftreperous Jollity, or the Dulnefs of prudential 
Inftruftion, without any Retreat but to the Gloom 
of Solitude, where they will yet find greater Incon- 
veniences, and muft learn, however unwillingly, 
to endure themfelves. 

In Winter the Life of the Polite and Gay may 
be faid to roll on with a ftrong and rapid Current ; 
they float along from Pleafure to Pleafure without 
the Trouble of regulating their own Motions, and 
porfue the Courfe of the Stream in all the Felicity 
of Inattention ; content that they find themfelves 
in Progreffion, and carele fs whither they are going. 
But the Months of Summer are a Kind of fleeping 
Stagnation without Wind or Tide, where they are 
left to force themfelves forward by their own La- 
bour, and to direft their Paffage by their own 
Skill ; and where, if they have not fome internal 
Principle of Aftivity, they muft be ftranded upon 
Shallows, or be torpid in a perpetual Calm. . 

There are, indeed, fome to whom this univerfal 
DiiTolutlon of gay Societies affords a welcome Op- 
portunity 



rt^ M I D W I F E. 105 

portunity of quitting without Difgrace the Poil 
which they have found themfelves unable to main- 
tain, and of feeming to retreat only at the Call of 
Nature from AfTemblies where, after a {hort Tri- 
umph of uncontefted Superiority, they are over- 
powered by fome new Intruder of fofter Elegance 
or brighter Vivacity. Bythefe, bopclcfe of Vic- 
tory and yet afhamed to confefs a Conqueft, the 
Summer b regarded as a Releafe from the fatiguii^ 
Service of Celebrity, a Difiniffion to more certain 
Joys and a fafer Empire* They folate then^felves 
witb the Influence which they (hall obtain where 
they have no Rival tp fear, and with the hu&re 
which they fhall effufe, when nothing can be fecyi 
of brighter Splendour. They image, while they 
are preparing for their Journey, the Admiration 
with which the Ruftlcks will croud about them, 
plan the Laws of a new Afiembly, or contrive to 
delude their Ignorance with a fi(£iitious Mode. A 
thoufand pleating Expectations fwarm in the Fancy, 
and all the approaching Weeks are filled with Pi« 
fHn&ions, Honours, and Authority. 

But others, who have lately entered the World, 
or have yet had no Proofs of its Inconftancy and 
Defertion, are cut off by this cruel Interruption 
from the Enjoyment of their Prerogatives, and 
doomed to lofe four Months in unadive Obfcurity. 
Many Complaints do Vexation and Terrour extort 
from thefe exiled Tyrants of the Town, againft 
the inexorable Sun, who purfues hb Courie with- 
out any Regard to Love or Beauty, and vifits 



io6 The M I D W 1 F E. 

cither Tropick at the ftated Time whether (hunncd 
or courted, deprecated or implored. 

To thofe who leave the Places of publick Re* 
"fort in the full Bloom of Reputation, who with- 
draw from Admiration, Court(hip, Submiffion, 
and Applaufe, a rural Triumph can give nothing 
equivalent. The Praife of Ignorance, and the 
Subjedion of Weaknefs, are little regarded by 
thofe who have been accuftomed to more important 
Conquefts, and more valuable Panegyricks. Nor 
indeed (hould the Powers which have made Havock 
'in the Theatres, or born down Rivalry in Courts, 
be degraded to a mean Attack upon the untravellcd 
Heir, or ignoble Conteft with the ruddy Milkmaid. 

How then muft four long Months be worn away ? 
Four Months, in which there will be no R-outs, 
no Shews, no Ridottos ; in which Vifits muft be 
regulated by the Weather, and Affemblies will 
depend upon the Moon !. The Platonifts imagine 
that the future Punifliment of thofe who have in 
this Life debafed their Reafon by Subjection to their 
Senfes, and have preferred the grofs Gratifications 
of Lewdnefs and Luxury to the pure and fublime 
Fielicity of Virtue and Contemplation, will arifc 
from the Predominance and Solicitations of the 
fame Appetites, in a State which can furnifh no 
means of appeafing them. I cannot but fufpeA 
that this Month, bright with Sunfliine, and fra- 
grant with Perfumes ; this Month, which covers 
the Meadow with Verdure, and decks the Gardens 

with 



Ti^ M I D W I F E. 157 

with all the Mixtures of colorifick Radiations j this 
Month, from which the Student expe£b new In- 
fufio/is of Imagery, and the Naturalift new Scenes 
of Obfervation ; this Month will chain down Mul- 
titudes to the Platonick Penance of Defire without 
Enjoyment, and hurry them from the highcft 
Satisfactions which they have yet learned to con- 
celve^ into a State of hopelefs Wilhes and pining 
Recolle£lion, where the Eye of Vanity will look 
round for Admiration to no Purpofe, and tlie 
Hand of Avarice {huiHe Cards in a Bower with 
ineffe6lual Dexterity* 

From the Tedioufnefs of this melancholy Suf- 
penfion of Life, I would willingly preferve thofe 
who are expofed to it only by Inexperience, who 
want not Inclinations to Wifdom or Virtue, though 
they have been difBpated by Negligence, or mifled 
by Example, and who would gladly find the Way 
to rational Happinefs, though it ihould be neceflary 
to ftruggle with Habit and abandon Fafhion. To 
thefe many Arts of fpending Time might be re- 
commended, which would neither fadden the prefent 
Hour with Wearinefs, nor the future with Re- 
pentance. 

It would feem impoffible to a folitary Speculatift, 
that a human Being can want Employment. To 
be born in Ignorance with a Capacity of Know- 
ledge, and to be placed in the Midft of a World 
filial with Variety, perpetually preffing upon Senfe 
and irritating Curiofity, is furely a fufficient^Se- 
curity ag^nft the Languilbment of Inattention^ 

Novelty 



io8^ rbe MIDWIFE. 

Novelty is indeed neceflary to preferve Eagerncls 
and Alacrity; but Art and Nature have Stores in- 
exhauftible by human Intellefts, and every Moment 
produces fomething new to him who has quickened 
his Faculties by diligent Obfervation. 

Some Studies for which the Country and the 
Summer afford peculiar Opportunities, I (hall per- 
haps endeavour to recommend in fome future 
Eflay s but if there be any Apprehenlion not apt to 
admit unaccuftomed Ideas, or any Attention fo 
fhibbom and inflexible as not eafily to comply with 
new Directions, even thefe Obftrudions cannot 
exclude the Pleafure of Application ; for there is a 
higher and ^ nobler Employment to which all Facul- 
ties are adapted by him who gave them. The Du- 
ties of Religion fincerely and regularly performed 
will always be fufficlent to exalt the meaneft, and 
to exercife the higheft Underftanding. That Muid 
will never be vacant which is frequently recalled by 
ftated Duties to Meditations on eternal Interefts, 
nor can any Hour be long which is (pent in obtsun- 
ing fome new Qualification for celeftial Happine& 



Crambo Song, en Mifs Scott, 

A beautiful Lady whom the Author faw at Ruck- 
holt- Houfe, EfTex, attended by a very ugly 
Sea Captain* 

1. 

CDme one of ye Lafles, 
Who dwell in Pamajfus^ 
■ To London on Pegafus trot s 

And 



,nt ^M ID:V7 I FE. 109 

And bring me fome Verft 
That I may rehearfe 

The Praifes of pvetty Mifs Scott. 
11. 

When I faw the fair Maid 
Firft In Ruckholfs gay Shade, 

I wi&^d ^b»t I dare not fay ^hat ; 
If I had her alone. 
With a Sigh and a Groan 

IM whifper it all to Mifs Scbtt. 
- : HI. ' 

Full clofe by her Side, 
By way of a Guide, 

A damn'd ugly Fcllb^ Ihc'd got; ■ 
The Dog did appear, » 1 ' 
Like the Dev'l at Eveh Ear, 

He's fo foul, and fo fiiir is Mifs Scott. 

IV. 
He*d.a traiterous Face, 
And a Jefuit's Grace, ' 

Yet ybuM fwcar he*d no Haad in the Plot; 
He was fitter to go 
With a Drum at a Show, 

Than to follow the charming' Mrfs Scott. 

V. ■■ ■' 

Oh had I a Part 

In the Heav'n of her Heart, 

Contented l*d dwell in a Cot ; 
What are Titles but Toys, 
What is Fame but a Noife, 

When compared with theCbarms of Mifs Scott? 

Vol. n; r vu 



no The MIDWIFE. 

VI. 

The Pain of dull Plcafurc, 
The Poornefs of Treafure, 

Arc the Rake's and the Mifer's fad Lot ; 
But Riches immenfe 
And Pleafurc intenfe 

Can come from no Fund but Mifs Scoit. .> 

vir. 

Whoe*re in this Dearth 
Of Enjoyments •n E^rth 

Thinks of Blifs, is a Fool and a Sot : 
But we that are wife. 
Know that Happinefs lies 

In'Heav'nj or pretty Mifs fi:^//. 

vni. 

The Scholar in Books^ 
The Glutton in Cooks, 

The Drunkard delights in his Pot ; 
But what is dull thinking, 
Or eating, or drinking. 

To the feafting on pretty Mifs Scott i ^ 

IX. 
Some gready defire 
Wifdom to acquire. 

Some after Religion are hot s 
But Wifdom's a Fool, 
And Zeal it is cool, , 

If compared with my Flame for Mifs S'c$i 

Oh ! (he's all that Ifi rare. 
Engaging and fair, 

A good Hufband alone fhe has not* 

■ ■ Ai 



The MIDWIFE. iii 

^nd that, if I might, 
/d give her to-night, 

T'accomplifh the charming Mifs Scett. 

^be Power of . Innocence. 
yf S o N c. By Mrs. Midnight. 

? :. .1'. 

THE blooming Damfdy whofe Defence 
Is adamauitinje Ipnocenc^, 
Requires no Guardian to attend 
Her Steps, for Mpdefty's her Friend. 
Tho* her fair Arms are weak to wield, 
Thd gfilDrrng Speair^' ahdmafly Shield ; 
Yet fafe from ^<ltrc^ apd Fraud combin'J, 
S^e ^ an ^«zo» in Mind. 

II. 

With this Artillery fhe goes, 

Not only -mohgff the harmlefs Beaux, 

But ev*n unhurt and undifmay*d, 

Views tfie'lbfig'Swordaridl fierce Cockade. 

Tbo' all a Syren as fhe talks. 

And all aOoddi^^as fhe walks. 

Yet Decency each Motion guides, 

And Wifdom o'er her Tongue prefidcs. 

Place hfer iri J?«^j*'lJi6Wery Plains, 
Where a perpetual Winter reigns \ 
The Elements may rave and range, 
Yc$ her fix'd 'Mtnd will never change; 

1 2 Place 



112 ne MIDWIFE. 

Place her, Ambition, in thy Towers* 

*Mongft the more dangerous golden Showr'a >. ., 
£v'n there (he'd fBurn the venal Tribe* 
And fold her Arms againft the Bribe. 

w: • " '""- 

Leave her defencelefi and afene. ■ ■ 

m ^ 

A Pris'ner in the torrid Zone, 

The Suiilhine there might vainly' vie 

With the bright Luftre of her Eye i 

But Phtehti felf with alMm Fiir, • -' , ] 

Cou'd ne*er one uncbafte ThougjMI infpire^ • ■* 

But Virtue's Path {he'd ftiH jntrfiie, 

And ftill ye Fair, wou'd €dpy Jwl 



# 
." .■» i. . ■.** ~ ■) • ^« 



Upon the Laij*sGdrt»y ittpf'^iti^ <SfeiWdi»; 
at the Rebearfal of thtMuJck foriBtB» 
of the Clergy. , . , 

By the Gentleman wh fttmd Ug^ 



.» • 



a vo ; 



Tentanda via efl^ ^ua ut qupfue^ ^Hl^^r :k 

',. Viiu'.(3«<3LRG.i 

, ■ ■ . . . • X^ .» . ■ L 

Mox magi 5 aba dandfn* " ■ ' ' ' ■ - . , 

- ' SiL-ltAt/ 

THIS Ribband, ^\\\Q\i was woat to bje^- ^^ 
The Cinfturp of my.C<f/i>'s iRloc^.., ' 

Blind Chance to me has giv*n, and boV^r , : ; . 
Shall I, what Chance has giv'n, bcftow ? . 

J 



Tie MIDWIFE. 113 

In Man prefumptiious it were 
To keep what has belong'd to her. 
Some Deity from Celiacs Slave 
The rare Oblation (hall receive. 

Should I this confecrated Wreath 
To Father Jupiter bequeath. 
With Honours iioW the God would heap it ! 
In fragrant Neftar firft he^d fteep it : 
(And yet when it has touch'd the Maid 
What need of fragrant Ncfiar*s Aid) 
*Mid Garniture of Lightnings fork'd 
In Gold a Motto on it work*d. 
Shall ftyle the Fires Icfs fierce, which fly 
From Jove^s Right Hiand than Celiacs Eye. 
Forthwith a Diadem divine 
On his ambrofial Locks *twou*d (hine. 

Yet muft not I an Off 'ring make it 
To Jove ; for how would Juno take it ? 
Soon as ihe knew from whence it canrie. 
For whom *twas worn, the jeatous Dame, 
Wou'd bounce and fly, an<! rage and rior. 
Nor give her Spoufe one Moment's Q^tict. 
But threaten for his Brows to find 
An Ornament of diflf'rent Kind. 

Wou'd I to any Goddeft 'give it. 
There's not one Goddefs would receive it* 
Jealous on Celia they lour, 
Each fears to lofe her Paramour. 
But why, fair Rulers of the Skies, 
Should ye her Garter thus defpife i 

Oh 



114 ne Mf&W:lF& 

Oh rather, think, you've lig^t iAfM . • 
Another Love-exciting Zone, 
Whofe magic Virtue is the fame 
With that which to Jw/'s .royal Ehune ■ 
Tzir Tenus Icni. Its'££k;acy :, :'.... 
(In Homer this avcrr'<l you OYayfcCLX .:! .i 
WasfuchtJbitona La4y.'# W^^ • '.- J' i. 
As foon as ever it wasbrac'd^ . • . .' ' 
Who faw her would Ai<;h Cb^iims diicovert 
He'd inftantly to Madnefs love her. 

I well imagine what wou'd folloyr :..-.: '' 
In Cafe 'twas given to -i^//#. ' r *. . i^ 

Soon as that youthful am*roui God 
Gay fprightly Pbahu$ undciilood,. 
That what was ofFer'd had a Share, 

I'th Drcfs of that tranfeendent Fair^ 

On whom he us'd A> long to:gaze. 
We wonder'd at the Length <A l>vj% % 
Pleas'd fuch a Token to pc^ef? . . * 
He'd oft thefacred Texture Jcift. .. •/ v \,t ^ 
And now no more periift to wev . - • . j . ' '• 
The Laurel Chaplet on bis Hair : , 
But clean forgetting P^rfius* Dauber, 
He'd bind his Brows with CtUa^s Garter. . 
The fwcet Remembrance whenockrcane >^/ 
Adding new Fuel to bis Flame. ...A 

Thee, Celia^ thee^ he'd dOat upon,. ... 
To Clofc of Day from early Dawn : - 
His tuneful Voice and golden Lyre 
To praife my CHh would confpire. 



In fine, at fu(i-^.§^CttftcfB - •, jV,;,-. wfi ::^» W 
What heav'nly i^owerjvou'd aqt ^fcjotosf 
Each gratcfu^woii'4tP«;^d0Vr»,>T ^I'f. t i cM 

i/i?r/w/; would te9sg#He((tJM|$lr£Nr:::(;:jl '>d I tf:A 
Than.|;»jr.jHij)ia[^iaftrfw|^5i-,i:'.I iVvtv .\*;d li'V 
His Arts to be alert and quick in, 

Sp t aiii ii gt ts wi t ^ and PucLet-pit ' Ung ; 

Afars teach me to deal out my Blows, 
And draw my&vSKytAiMyM IVi^cb a^ Foes; 
Vulcan wou'd forge me Armour for it. 

This votive Fillet might befure 
Wond^iiiji1Ads»t^gttj)tt^i;^ ..O 

But 'tis refolv'd, I'll nought receive 
.iy^Jfls llitoiGiMd^icanisCWitf give:- t x . a i >\ 
.iTbftre'^jiOMgte: .telow ikwordi irfif'^^^ ± \ 



oButatbatflwght be|8&ou|rlKavUjh JPbir.- ^ ^ • - ' i > ^ 
:i i^l^^t^^brangeAbfdt^diiitsaiLQMr^'^ ''>'( r-^iT 
iJilUopds gfldE!Wi&M>KiUidi<M«erJ( (ti-r.-^!; l c^i; 
-AJaMefdiflr«ReilSw4in.ckn;liopis ::^:'^ "^o ^ j;.^/[ 
rTfae3ri^.GoJ$«riil43ebdcr:tipy: : . ./t 

•An4:bb:ibrmttcfa^eEfecio.lx>;batt«r '■ - ■ i. <:! < .; 



-'J'JiejI^wly. fer f be Ladyfs jQaotcr; : :!)«.: i^:.;::! 

fQrinl&ri: or Hfrmit Ihalfifca^ ^$4: >; . . ? : 1 1 

ioTiW0ie grcflltf Prtdcboetd dKfiififir-* v^x't 1^.(1// 
-lSbfifi^idkiifc)i6!Refioric»9^--'V-\ . rhiv; )l'<:^:"ii.> 

'dkfy.jSuit.in FSeffbn to jMfer, :.: •- j. . [ 

If 



If file my proiFcr'd Love refdfes, ' 

The Garter ftjU may have its Ufes ; 

It's friendly NooTe ihall me fuipend ; 

A mournful LiMid -fome Bough (hall bend ; - 

And I be fung in dokfiit'BaUad, • ^ - ' . > y- 

'Till Bateman*s Fame'ift iniheis^f^lloviHy.' 

, ' {U\ . v.. J. ' A ■ ■ If. . " i w ^i» t* ii|iii I ' l f ■ 

:4. J A C KB.O OT. ' . 

Being an M0. in \thi Mam$ep'of th€> Mpderky 
On Timf%.,Fci?fcmsy «im/ Things;io '^ 



.'.' 



AJ A c K B o o Ti is w.a»...>Dircourfir^ whiA 
w4U $Ji;(;i'ailyi Subjeft. whatQ^Mnrer, t as Vcs 
Namefake,-.i{MiH iAti-jBn)tJci:«g'.'J it^^ ccqfiires -'Jio 
Title, yet is iC^pabk cdfiialLt l.Yovanijri'preafh it 
as a Sermon, idfgolaoift itairaaOmM^ tk)^>hfa[S^ 
Prayer, or fing iirasi a Song.":: It. :wiii finally* ah- 
fwer all Intents and .Pur];k)fe8, t^o' in itfelf it isVo 
no Intent or Purpofc; fuch is tbefWhimfical^ oefli^ 
matical Nature of tho Jackbo<^t;- Pot tbefe^twen- 
ty Years 1^'paftxMre have had::birle elfe !pttUiih*<!l 
but Jackbooxs* ;.Oiie Maox^firintB a' Sdhmof), 
ivhich may a»..wdl htJcdlcAi Satire^ anodler 
comes out with a Mono(fy. with.tbrei: or four Jndier- 
locutors in it. Our. Poetry is. all Profc,. and ^ilr 

Profe is falfe E}^i(h*:J^iOil^s^J^^^ 

night 



4 ■ 



The M ID W I F E. 147 

night club htx Jackboot ainpngft the t^fk I ■• Yea 
verily (he- -flialfc >*•*— J Here thcreforctijcginr :«'. 
Jackboot . upon' •^nus^-^Perfms . ahd Unngs. 
And firft for the Tinm* I tbiilk we iKre.alitpr£tty 
unanimous with refped to tbe Times. That i8» 
there is almofl: an Univerfal Consent to rail at thejn. 
There has been «' perpetual Prejudice in 'Behalf, of 
the Times f)aft9 <dio- God knows, we have !but 
little t^d^iwfehxhem, and. we are daiilj .grumbling 
aiultffo/%-theiprefenr5 when wie ought tol make 
ule^f Jt» and be-thankfuL O Temf^ra f O Moih£f 1 
is an Exclamation 4liat i^s beehimade'uteof long« 
before the Roman Orator. Never thelcfs one of the 
wifeft tells us, ** thaf SeTormer Times were not 
better than thefe^T. i-tt- ^Aid ii>^ Ifll quote you 
a Bit of Greeks 

'Oft* iktf (pvT^Mt' y^in' roiih 't^^av^^uf. ^ ' HoMER* 

92/ -Gir^atim of Mun isMm^ts ili'G^nerdfiol^' 
of Leaves. One Winter dcmoWhes a whole Tribe, 
and in the Spring you ('h»ve ar Suoceflibn' of Ahb ftihe 
wavering, 'weak,'/ inconflartf Trifles; >i— -' Artd 
now I'll quote you a EieoejofiZiK?^^.: 

■ Elapfum femel 

Non ipfepojjit *JupiUr reprehendere. 

upon ^yoij, ^ Ae.Dpxil hypf^lf^^n't, g^t .bpg of^hjj^ 
Fowlo^fc, Wiuch.bpji©,wc,|^|^rea W»^j^Fforcr . 



ii8 Tie MIDWIFE. 

hand determinM to go) to my fecond and third 

Particulars, viz, Ifirfws and Unmgs \ -^ Now, 

2s every Perfon is a Thing, tho' every Thing is 
not a Perfon, I fiiall juoible thcfe two Articles 
together in the true Jackboot Tafte. Now it 
\vou!d require the united Wit of FiMia^^ Luc'nah 
Swi/tf Butler, and Erafmus, to treat of thb 
Head with any tolerable Adroitne6, fo (as lllr* 
Bays fays) in fine, TU fay no more about it, and 
if any body afks me, where lies the Jcft of all 
this ? I anfwer with Mr. Jehnftn, Why, In the 
Boot ; where ihou*d the Jeft lie I 



. E P I G RAM. 

On a certain ScrihhUr. 

WORD -valiant Wight, thou great He- 
Shrew, 
That wrangles to no End ; 
Since Nonfence is nor falfe nor itri^ 
Thou'rt no ManV Foe or Friend.- . 



Mrs. MidniohtV Laws ^ Converfation. 

G\NE of the higheft Enjdym^ptis.we arc ca- 
1/ pable of on* thisi Side the Grave, -is liianly. 
and rati6hal -Convfc'pfatibn, xi^hich in theft "Day*; 
e^tdufive of its incrinfick Value, has the Merit of 

being 



n/ M I D.W I F E. W9 

being a very, gr^t Rarity. If one goes anfiongft 
what is called the. fober Part of Mankind^ down* 
right Dulnefs Ufurps the Title of ferious Senfe, and 
Sleepinefl that of Decency and TranquiUity. If 
we mix ourfelves wiih the Joys of the Young, 
and grow giddy with the gay Hedd-ach of Pleafure, 
we (hall find Baud ry, and even Blafphemy pafling 
for Wit and Humour, or the low nonfenfical in- 
fipid Humbug, that worthy. Succeflbr to Biting 
and Selling of Bargains. In. order, to remedy, 
in fome Meafure, thefe Evils^ I humbly beg Leave 
to lay down the following Rules of Converfation, 
which are fubmitted to the Cbnfideration, Cor- 
redion axid Improvement of the Puhlick, 

I ft. Never to converfe on what we don't un- 
der ftand. 

2dly. Let there be always certain Intervals, to 
give £.oomrfor any Perfon toma^ke an ObjeSion, 
a Reply, or,^ I^ejoindcr, , . 

C -' ' . ■ # « • _ • • 

jdly. Let the .SubjeS. be on Things, rather 
thanPerfons. 

4tbly. Lc^t the Subjefl be on hiftorical Matters, 
rather than of the preftnt Age.^ 

: ^thiy. Let .the SubjelS hev^oii Thing's diftant 
•and I'e'mote^ rather than at home, and fo<of your 
Neighbours. 

6thly. 



»io rfo M I D W I F E. 

6tbly. Bbzon all tbeQoad, and conteal bU the 
Faults of both Frhsnd aiid Enemy. 

■ ■ ■ ■ ' . 

7thlj. Let nothing ever be faiJ which gpcA 
Senft may dilkpprovei Good-nature diflike, or 
found Judgment, condemn. 



jfs fime lati unhappy Events have mait Duelling a 
very popular Topicj tht follcwing Letter tvhkb I 
can warrant to . he genuine^ will, I ^pprebend^ 
be deemed not unfeafonable* 



A Letter from Alexander . Roeui&n^ Eff^ 
to Mr. Walter Smyth. 

... • ..... . / . ; 

' 1 . . . - ... * 

SIR, 

IMuft abfolutely decline accepting the Challenge 
you fent me Ytfterday by Robin, and frankly 
'ackntiwledge I dare not H^t^yod. 1 'am Tcry fen- 
fible the World in general wifl call this' Cowaitfice, 
.an4 that the odious Appellation Qf Scoundrel will be 
given me in every Cofrce-hbufe. " But, 1 hope, 
you'll not judge with the Multitude, becaufe you 
have been an Eye-witnefs to my Behaviour^ in no 
lefs than feven Engagements with ^be. comipon 
Enemy. I then had the Reputation of being a 
.•bniveMatii: and-amconfcidiia I; amj/b fij^9:'even 
when: J ontemoro tell yotilj ii0re-.not B^ foi^ 
The Reafons of my Condu£l in this . AjFairj SU^ 
are very valid, tho' but very few. To be Wieft 

Sir, 



Tbf ; ?^ I D W I E E. i2i 

Sr, I had rather ^ndare the Contempt of Man^ 
Jian the Aflgcr of my Maker, a. temporal Evil 
ather than an eternal one. In one of the wifeft 
States of the World, there was no Law againft 
Parricide, becaufe they thought it a Crime, which 
Ac woril of Villains would be incapable of. Per- 
laps the Silence of our Legiflature, with Regard 
to Duelling, is owing to fome fuch Reafon. What 
can be more enormous than for Men, not to fay 
Cbrijlians and Friends, to thirft for the Blood of 
each other — nay more, — to aim the Blow 
with a true Italian Vengeance at once, both at 
the Body and the SonL I hope in the Coolneis 
of Reflexion you'll think as I do — If other- 
wife, I am determined to give you up to the Ty- 
lanny of your PaiSons, as I am to remain Mailer 
of my own. 



A genuine LetUr from an amorous Cantab. 
to a Chandler's Daughter^ being a Specimen 
of j^cademic Gallantry. 

TH ^ very nrft Moment I faw you, I con- 
ceived an inexpreffible Paf&on for you, 
which at length has rifen to fuch an Height, that 
[ fhould .not difcharge the Aril Duty of Self- 
VoL. IL • K ' Prefer- 



122 rbe MIDWIFE. 

vation, were I to conceal it any longer. 1 
an^ convinced by the charming engaging Softncfs, 
which is perpetually in your Looks, that it is im- 
poflible you fhould be ill-natur'd, and that you 
would free any Animal from Pain, when you could 
do it without Danger or Detriment to yourfclf. 
I here therefore offer you an Opportunity of cxcr- 
cifing your Humanity, by condefcending to a Re- 
queft I am about to make.^ The Favour I would 
beg. Madam, is, that you would contrive fomc 
Means, by which I may have the Pieafurc, the 
exquifite Pleafure of converfing with you. Then, 
Madam, I fhall be able more at large to explain 
my Sentiments, declare that vehement Love, with 
whicb you have infpired me, and make an Apology 
for my Pretenfions, which if you don't approve, 
I promife, never to trouble you with 'em any 
more. If there is. Madam, any Impertinence in 
this Addrefs, it muft be placed to the Account of 
your Beauty, and you muft confulcr, that 'tis the 
fame Nature, which both lavifh'd all thofe Charms 
upon you, and raifed in me a proper Regard for 
'em, and the Dcfire of the PoiTefiion of 'cm. 
My Intentions, Madam, are honeft, my Love is 
pure and unfeigned, and like thofe Excellencies 
in you that occafioned it, too great to be defcribed. 
I am confcious you'll have fomc Obje£tioAs to the 
favouring me with an Interview ; but upon ji^rc 
mature Deliberation you will, I believe, acknow- 
ledge, that no Lady need be afliamed of converr- 
ing with any Gentleman^ unlefs flie'knows him 

not 






^ie MID Vf IF E. 123 

not to be a Man of Honour 5 and 'tis the Piivilegc 
of every Englifbnian to plead for Love as well as 
for Life, but I (hall plead for both at the fame 
Time, fince I hardly think the latter worth hold- 
ing without the former. The Uncertainty I am 
in, (and a cruel Uncertainty it is) how you'll re- 
ceive tliis, hinders my difcovering to you my 
Name and my College: But tho* I don't tell you 
what I am, I'll tell you what I am not : I am not 
quite three and twenty, not in bad Circumftancc^, 
iiot a Frelhman, not Fellow pf the College, not 
in Orders. 

If you'll pleafe to appoint any Place of mectln[^^ 
you'll make me the happieft of Men. My Lovtj 
Is fo impatient that 1 fliall perpetually plague you 
with Letters till you give me fome Anfwer of 
other. On Wednefday Night at Eight o'Clock, 
a Perfon (hall come to the Apothecary^s Shop which 
you "frequent, under Pretence of buying fome 
Tamarinds ; by him you may fend a Note, and 
my dear fweet Angel, I beg you will not fail being 
there. 



J modern Love Letter^ copied from the W^ r- 
Office : Being a Specimen of Martial Gal- 
lantry. 

Damme Madam^ 

WHAT becaufc Cupid bafl<s in your Eyes, 
and the Graces pefch on your Bubbles, 
K 2 and 



124 7"*^ Ul'lb^l F E. 

and I have no Beard » you think to treat me as yott 
pleafc, and to make a Tom Shuttlecock of me, da 
you? You little, impertinent^ plaguy, audacious 
Devil ! Have not I beftowed all the Plunder I |<H 
la the laft War upon you, and pawn'd eych' my 
Honour to maintain you ? And am. I now to he 
f Ivall'd, and you to be run away with by a Tem- 
plar, a Lawyer's Clerk, a Felbw that lives by 
fcratching of Parchment ? Blood, I can't hear it ! 
m make Parchment of his Skin, and burn you 
into a Pumice Stone to pounce it with, before Pll 
be phgued in thb Manner. Is this all thJB RefpcA 
you have for a Red Coat, and a Cockadcy tnd a 
fine Gentleman? *Tis mighty , well *~ but I 
fwcar by the united Powers of Gun, Blunderbu^, 
and Thunder, that I (hall not hefeafleV vlfityod 
with Sighs, as thQ God* Cuper dii'Pbyjic^ but Ih 
fJtorms of Lightning, as the God Jofitir did 
Simile. 

I am d— — mme you, Madam^ Yown, 

Ben. Baconett. 



• I fuppofe Capt. Bajronett means to refer to the 
Stories of ^^upid and P/ycoe; and Jupiter zsa^ Semele* 
tho' be IS a liitle oat in his Cnho^iaphy. 



1 f 



rbe MIDWIFE. 125 

A modern Love Letter y cotnpofed of fuch Ma^ 
' terials as may ferve for any other Love 
letter whatever J and with a little Varia- 
tion willfuit efOery Grcumfiance where Love 
is the Suljeif^ 

Being a Specimen of Univcrfal Gallantry. 

Oh my dear qngelick Angel} 

EVERY Minute is an Hour, and every 
Hour is a Day, and every Day is a Yei\r 
fince I bad the Happinefs to fiJl at your Feet, and 
warm myfelf at the Sunihine of your Beauty. 
Oh my little Cherub^ I was yefterday flying witli 
all the Wings of Fervency to offer myfelf at thy 
Shrine, but the angry Heavens threatned mc with 
their forked Lightning, which darted round me, 
and the big black Thunder roar'd horrid o'er mv 
Head, as much as to fay. Wilt thou, oh i2^^i\ 
Youth, who art but mortal, affume a Goddcfb ? 
Can'ft thou fuftain her refulgent ineffabfe Bright- 
nefe? Can'ft thou mount the golden flammg Car 
of Phaehusy and give genfal Warmth to the WorlJ ? 
I trembled at this chiding of the Erements, and 
ftood wrapt up in Fear and Amazement, till the 
Clouds in downright Compaffion (perceKing me 
weep) wept themfelves aMb, till with our joint 
Tears I was wet from Top to Toe, and all the 
Rivers fwell'd and overflowed with my Sorrows ; 
fo that I was this Morning obliged to fw hn \\iXi> 

K3 » 



«^ rhe M I D W I F B; 

a whole Flood of my own Griefs to procure 
thy bright Eyes one Dawn of Comfort^ 
come my fweet Angel, and fave me from u 
or I (hall hang myfelf, or drdwn myfelf, or 
away with myfelf, and all for the LoVc of 
I am now at the Sign of the Lamb in a fre 
burning Fever. Oh -come to me ! melt \ 
my lAcIes with tlie Beams of thy Eyes, and 
and comfort me with the Balm of thy Lips, 
I may live till I die. 

My dear /ngeU 
Your moft obfequious Slave^ , 

T. Tawdj^r 



i*— •■— ^ 



ADefcripion of the Vac at ion y to a Friem 

the Country. 

Dear CnAKLESy Camh.yuly^j ij 

AT length arrives the dull Vacation, 
And all around is Defolation ; 
At Noon one meets unapron'd Cooks, 
And leifure Gyps with downcaft Looks. 
The Barber's Coat from white is turning, 
And blacken's by Degrees to Mourning ; 
The Cobler*s Hands fo clean are grown, 
He does not know them for Ills own ; 
The Sciences neglected Ihore, 
And all our Bogs are cobweb'd o*er ; 
The Whores crawl home with Limbsi nfirm. 
To felivate againft the Term i 

Si 



TiBt M I D W I F E. 127 

ch Coffee-lKXife, left in the Lurch,, 
full as tmpij — as a Church .*— 
le Widow cleans her unusM Delph, 
id's forc'd to read the News herfelf ; 
iw Boys for bitten. Apples fquafible, 
lere Geefe fophiftic us'd to gabble \ 
hoary Owla a reverend Band 
ye at St. Marfi took their Stand, 
bere. each in folemn Gibberifli howl^, 
J gentle Athens owns her Fowls. 
yohnian Hogs obferve, fucceed 
p'that auie real Hogs indeed; 
I. pretty Mafter Pert of . Trinity.^ 
io in lac'd Waiftcoat woes Divinity,. 
'ifits, having doft his Gown, 
gay Acquaintance in the Town : 
; Barbers, Butlers,. Taylors, Panders,. 
prefs'd and gone to ferve in Flanders, i 
to 'the Realms of Ireland fail, 
el(b (for Gheapnefs) go to GoaL -<«» 
ie thb peofive Black- Gowns ftr^y 
{ Ravens on a rainy Day. 
e faunter on the drowfy Dam, 
ounded by the Hum-drum Cam^ 
> ever and anon awakes, 
•grumbles ^t the Mud he makes, 
\Am milch iSner than ihe.Mall 
light to travcrfe thro* Clare^Hall! 
view, our Nymphs, like beauteous Geefey 
Jiog and waddling on the Piece 1 



Or 



128 ne MIDWIFE. 

Or near the Gutters^ Lakes, and Ponds 
That ftagnate round ferene St. Jobn^s^ 
Under the Trees to take my Stations 
And envy them their Vegetation. 

« « « « % % « ♦•* *'% 

' '■) 
■ I I ' 

Catera defideraniut. 



Mrs. Midnight *^ Account of her 4fwn AU* 
lities. In Imitation of Jeveral Author^. -^ 

TH £ Reputation I have acquired by my WM "f 
and Humour in my younger Dayi5, and tbc L 
Candour I have difcover'd ftnce I comnvenced Crkia^ ': 
added to the Judgment which I have (hewn in my 
maternal Profeflion, have given all People ft prodi* 
gious Opinion of my Abilities. And reaUy^ if I 
may be allowed to do myfelf Juftice, and to ffok 
myfelf for myfelf, I don't believe that the whole 
Race of Lawyers, Divines, or even Phyficians 
themfelves can produce a greater old Woman than 
I am. People flock to me from every Quarter, 
and I find, tho' too late^ that a fuperb and e¥4lte4 
Reputation is but «n Incumbrance, a Sort .of .Rub, 
in the Road to ^appinefs ; for bofides my owo.Bu- 
finefs (I mean that of my ProfefSon) and the Care 
of my Magazine, I am continually pefter'd wi.tb 
Cafes and Queftions from the Literati of all Na- 
tions* 



r*/ MrO W I F E; 12^^ 

trons. No'Gafuift ev^i* hud fo fnariy Cifti of Con- 
fcience as I when CorKciences wfcre in Vogue ^ 
mdeed lince tfaSUfe of Doubts and Scfupks hare 
been dropt by-thebrfjtiiff Sbrf,' andcortfiderM as old 
fafhion'd Furnicure> I have been eas'd in that Re« 
rpe£t« For when once my Lord puts off all Senfe 
of Rdigion, of Confcience, of Honour, and of 
Honefty, his Steward, his Gentleman, his Valet de 
Chambre, and indeed all his Family, will dio^e 
fame. And, Pray where 'is the Wbndcr ? • ■■■'* 
WouM hot any complaifant Man, any Servant of 
glfed Brcfeding; residtl/ throw oft* a Garb which hft 
faw had rendered itfelf fo obnoxious to his Maffen 
But this is a DIgreffion which I make by way of 
Digrtfton, to fl»wPe6(!4e tbeUre-of/.bigr^onsy 

and now let us return to our SubjeS. 1 fay, 

notwithflanding the to^l Negledl of Religion and 
Confcie^^^: t»f Ha^Our >and Honefty among the 
Great, and of Confequence among the Small, I 
am as much as ever barrafs'd with Cafes and Qu^ 
ftions, tho' of another Nature. Religion and Con^* 
fcience, while in Vogue, were a Sort of ftimuhf- 
Cing Plaifters to th& Paffions, and braced them up 
within their proper Celjs ; but when the Ufe of thofe 
became unfashionable, the Paffions obtain'd their 
wiih'd forElafticity and a£ted without Reftraint; 
(b that Drinl^ing and Whoring, and Theft and 
Murder advanced, as Religion and Virtue, Hpnour 
and Honefty declined ; and confequcntly there was 
no Bufmefs for the Cafuift, Fortune, by eftablifliing 
» difTolute Courfe of Life, had thrown all her Fa- 
vours 



\ 



ISO the MID W^ F R 

■ 4 

vours into the Laps of the Lawyer and the Phyfis 
cian ; thofe are the Peeple to be apply'd to, api 
as thofe People are continually applying to me, I 
find myfelf obliged to puUifh the following Ad- 
vertifcmcnt* :. 

: MARY MIDNIGHT, 

4mthor of the Old Woman* s Magazine^ and of 
many other celebrated Pieces, which can never be 
enough admired, propofes (for the Bettefit of tin 
PuUiek) to open at the Siga of the Mop-Uandl^ 
Sboi'Lane^ 

An Office for the Ignorant; 

OR, 

A Warthtmje of Intelligence. 

Where Phyficians may learn the true Pra£Hce of 
Phyfic, Divines the true t^rafiice of Piety, and 
Lawyers the true Prafiice of the Law. In a 
Word, Fumblers ^f all Faculties will be corrobo^ 
rated without Lofs of Time. 

VivAT Rex. 



Ah 



7ke MIDWIFE. ^ji 

An Essay on LOVE. 

WiW Love, whofe Root is Virtue, can no more die 
thanyixtxxQ itfelf. Erasmus^ 

^INCE Love is a Paffion deeply, implanted 
^ 10 the Nature of Human Kind, and produdive 
»f as much Mifery as Happinefs, fmce Emperors, 
iCings and Princes are obliged to fubmit to its 
*owcr ; and we may every Day obferve more pine 
tway with fecret Anguiih, for the Unkind nefs of 
hofe upon whom they have fix'd their Affldions, 
lian for any other Calamity in Life; it cannot be 
breign to our Defign to point out thofe Soils in 
virhich tliis amphibious PJ^nt is mofl likely to grow 
ind profper : But that we may not be thought too 
igid in Principle, or to advance any new Hypptbefis^ 
'epugnant to the known Laws of Nature and Re- 
igion, let us firft lay before ^ou the Sentiments of 
I gay and great Genius, as well read in ibis Scisnce 
IS any of his Predeceflbrs were, or any of his Suc- 
:eflbrs ought to be. 

^ Love the moft generous PaJJion of the Mlnd^ 
The Jofteji Rffuge Innocence can find\ 
The fafe Direhor of unguided Youths 
Fraught ivith kind fFiJheSy andfecur*d by Truth ; 
The cordial Drop Heaven in our Cup has throxvny 
To, make the naufeous Draught of Life go town \ 
On which one only BleJJing God might raife^ 
Jn Lands of Atheijls Subfidies ofPraife j 

For 



131 The MIDWJFE. . 

For none did ier fo dull and Jiupid prove j 
ButftUa G$dy andblefs*dhis Pew'r, ia Love. 

Thus far we agree with hiaif for the wife Au* 
d\or of our Motto informs us, that if we would 
keep L^e from withering, and preferve its Verdure, 
we iliould plant it in Triith and Virtue, prune of 
all the luxuriant Branches, which weaken ihe 
Stock, and depreciate the Fruit: How careful 
therefore (hould we be in the Choice of this happy 
Spot, in which, (hould we miftake, we are Aire 
Co entail Sorrow and Anxiety upon ouriclves and 
Pofterity. 

To anticipate Succefs in this important Affair^ 
be careful not to make too much Hafte to be happy, 
any more than to be rich) to avoid Strangers, and 
to let your Eyes and Inclination keep Pace wiA 
your Reafon and Underftanding. - Laugh at the 
old Miferwho covets you for a Nurfe, and defpife 
the vain young Butterfly, who briftles with gaudy 
Plumes, fquanders away his Wealth and Patrimony, 
and tofies about his empty Noddle to no other Pur- 
pofe, than to get PoiTeffion of a Miftrefs altogedicr 
as trifling and vicious a$ himfelf. Then turn your 
Eyes upon the gay World, and behold it madp up 
for the moft ParJ of a Set of conceited, fluttedEng, 
emaciated Animals^ worn out in bunting after their 
own Pleafures ; Wr Aches who confefs, condenm 
and lament, but continue to purfue their own. In- 
fielicity ! Thefe are Scenes of Sorrow, and' Objeds 
of Mifery ! Vulturw that prey upon the VitaJs of 

the 



the M I D W I F E. 133 

the Imprudent, and hope to repair their fhatter'd 
Fortunes from the Spoils of Innocence and Cre« 
dulityl 

There is another fatal Mifchief incident to vir*^ 
tuous Love, which calls aloud for Redreis ; in the 
Courfe of my Life I have more than once or twice 
been prefent at the Bargain and Sale of Children 
and Orphans of both Sexes, to the beft Bidder ; 
Nay, not long ago I was by when a young Gen- 
deman of no inconiiderabie Fortune was fent for 
from ♦ * ♦ * to London^ and in lefs than three 
Houn after his Arrival, obliged to marry a young 
Lady he had never before fet his Eyes on, or per- 
haps heard of. What Love, Harmony, Conftancy 
or Friindjbip (the Bands of conjugal Happinefs) 
can poffibly be expe£led from fuch Precipitancy ? 
If indeed a large Premium given to the principal 
JUarriagt Broktr^ or the laying together large 
Eftates could purchafe Felicity as it does Hufbands 
and Wives, the Contra£t might be decm'd lau- 
dable ; but when we daily obfcrve Controveriies, 
Animofities^ Elopements, and Divorces, the Con- 
fequences of fuch Jun£lions, it is au evident hi\ 
of Inhumanity and Barbarity. 

It has often amazed me to obferve how nice and 
anxious Gentlemen are in keeping up and improv- 
ing the Breed of their irrational Stocks, whether 
Horfes, Sheep, Poultry, Uc, and Iww carelefs and 
indolent in that of their own Progeny. Oh {hook- 
ing Cuftom ! the Height of Cruelty, the ScandiJ 
«f Chriflianity I 

Vou U. L Tis 



134 "the M I D W I F E. 

nis well known there are Gentlemen 
Ladies enough in the Kingdom of Rank, Qual 
and Affluence with perfonal Endowments fuit 
to any Degree of Life; why then (hould we cl 
to couple them fo unequally? Old Age with Yoi 
Difeafe with Health ; Debauchery with Mode 
and all Vices with the contrary Virtues. 

Let the prudent Lady chufe for a Partner, a C 

tleman fraught with Religion, Virtue, and ( 

Manners ; of a free, open, generous Difpofiti 

of a Soul (incere and fufceptible, one who 

fee and feel the Misfortunes of others, and is r 

to lend his friendly Advice and timely Affift 

to thofe who are in Diftreis. He who is not 

fefs'd of a warm generous Heart, will make I 

cold, friendleis Companion ; you are therefoi 

find the Way to that, and not precipitately ca 

Man becaufe he wears a Smile on his Cheeky 

a fine Coat on his Back, which perhaps ma) 

guife and cloak a thoufand Rogueries, and vili 

tentions. You muft learn to diftinguifh beti 

Keality and Appearance, which is not to be 

without being intimately acquainted with the 

je<5. And from hence arifes the Neceffity 

formal Courtfhip, for in the Courfe of Time, 1 

ever artful the Perfon may be, fome ungus 

Sallies will be made, fufiicient to give you a C 

the whole Chara£ler, provided PafBon does 

ecllpfe the Sun Beams of Keafon, and pn 

your laying hold of the Opportunity. - 



rhe MIDWIFE. 1^5 

But that our Britijh Ladies may be the better 
enabled to engage Gentlemen with thefe Endovv- 
ments *twill be neceflary for them to Imitate the 
tollowing Charaifter of Aniiope. 

* Antiope is gentle, plain hearted, prudent ; 

* her Hands defpife not Labour; {he forefees'Iliings 

* at a great Diftance ; (he provides againft Contii- 

* gencies J (he knows how to be filent ; fh/: ac s 

* regularly without a Hurry ; fhe is for ever 

* cmploy'd, but never embarras'd, becaufe (he- 

* does every Thing in due Seafon 5 the good Order 
*' of her Father's Houfe is her Glory ; it adds a 

* greater Luftre to her than her very Beauty. Tho' 
'^he Care of all lies upon her, and fhe is charg'd 

* with the Burden of reproving, refufing, fparing, 
'' (Things that make all other Women hated) fae 
' has acquir'd the Love of all the Houfhcld \ and 

* this, becaufe they find not in her eiiher PuiTicn, 

* Conccitednefs, Levity, or Humour, as in other 

* Women. With the fingle Glance of her Eye they 
' know her Meaning, and are afraid to difpleaf* 

* her. The Orders fhe gives are plain ; (he com- 

* mands nothing but what may be performed ; ih« 

* reproves with Kindnefs, and even amidft he^Re^. 

* prehenfions fhe finds Room to give Encourage- 

* ment to do better. Her Father's Heart rcpofes 

* idelf'upon her, as a Traveller, fainting under 

* the Sun's fultry Rays, repofes himfelf upon the 

* tender Grafs, beneath a fhady Tree. 

• Antiope^ O TeUmachus^ is a Treafure worthy 

* to be fought for, even in the moft remote Re- 

h 2 gions: 



136 The MIDWIFE. 

* gions : Her Mind is never trimmed, any mort 

* than her Body, with vain gaudy Ornaments} 

* her F^ncy, though full of Life, is reftraln'd by 

* her Difcretion ; fbe never fpeaks but. when there 
^ is an abfolute Occafion ; and when fhe opens her 
^ Mouth, ibft Perfuafion and genuine Graces flow 

* from her Lips. The Moment (he begins every 

* Body is filent, which throws a balhful Confufion 
^ into her Face ; fhe could find in her Heart to fup* 

* prefs what fhe was about to fay, when (he per- 

* ceives fhe is fo attentively liflenM to. 

• You may remember, O TelenuichuSj whca 

* her Father one Day made her come in, bow fhe 

* appear'd with Eyes caft down, cover'd with a 
^ large Veil, and fpoke no more than juft enougH- 
' to moderate the Anger of Idenuneus^ who was 

* jufl going to infli£t a rigorous Punifhment on 
' one of bis Slaves. At firft fhe took part with- 
^ him in his Troubles, then fhe calmM bim ; at laft 
' ihe intimated to bim what might be alledgM in> 
^ Excufe of the poor Wretch, and without letting 
^ the King know that he was tranfported beyond 
^ due Hounds, fhe infpir'd into him Sentiments of 
^ Juflice and Compaffion. Thetis, when fhe fooths 
^ old Nenusy does not appeafe with more Sweetnefs 
' the raging Billows. 

* Thus, Antiapej without affuming any Author 
' rity, and without taking any Advantage of her 
> Charms, will one Day manage the Heart of a. 
' Hufband, as fhe now touches the Lute, when fhe 

would di^w from it the moft melting Sounds.. 

Once 



7he MI D W I F E. 137 

Once again. I tell you, Tekmachus^ your Love 
for her is well grounded j the Gods defigti her for 
you ; you love her with a rational AfFecSion, but 
you muft wait 'till UlyJJes grants her to you. I 
commend you for not having difcover'd your 
Sentiments to her ; but know, that if you had 
taken any By-methods to let her know your 
Dcfigns, fhe would have rejefted them, and 
ceas*d to have a Value for you ; (he will never 
promife herfelf to any one, but will leave herfelf 
to be difpofed of by her Father. She will never 
take for her Spoufe a Man that ^oes not fear the 
Gods, and who does not quit himfcif of all the 
Duties that are incumbent upon him. 



The Midwife's Politicks : Or, Gojftp^s Chro-' 
nicli of the Affairs of Europe. 

Portugal and Spain. 

THOUGH his mod faithful Majefty has rejefled 
the Miniftry of his Predcccffor ; he, however, 
has purfued his Example in publifhing a Procia* 
ination for the Prevention of Luxury ; in which the tJfc 
of gilt Coaches and Chariots is allowed, provided they 
are made in Portugal. This occafions me to make an 
old Woman's Obfervation, that either the Portugueze 
Miniflry have lefs Priie, or more Frugality, than are to 
be generally found in other Countries ; particularly my 
own dear native- Kingdom of old England, where» 
whilft 'my poor fellow Subjects are mod grievoufly op* 
peiTed with publick Debts and Taxes, ye( a Spirit of 

' i- 3 Luxury 



138 ne MIDWIFE. 

Ltixary prevails, when our firft rate Quality (hcmld fol* 
low my Example, and go clad in plain home-fpnn and 
grey, if they have half that Love for their Pofterity, 
as I have for the whole Community. 

The Spaniards haire iatisfied as, that we were all old 
Women, to imagine they had any Defign on Gibndtar : 
They, indeed, meake Don Benjamin more renaarkablt 
for this Charafter than all the reft of his Countrymen) 
for while he is continually preferring Memorial after 
Memorial, in hopes of the Procuration (^ luch Con* 
ceflions in America, which the Spaniards have hitherto 
obftinately difregarded, in what other Light m uft fach a 
Negotiation be held ! And as for his Remonftrance to 
obtain the Return of fuch Bricifh Manufadurers as have 
been invited over to Spain ; in the Name of good Luck, 
what muft the Spaniards think of fach a Demand, when 
we but lately had it in our Power, to encourage the& 
Airtizans at home, inftead of letting their Neceffity, and 
our onerous Taxes, drive them to feek Employments 
in other Countries I I am afraid, if they give us no 
worfe an Appellation than that of old Women, they 
will deal very candidly by us. — The Infant Dop 
Lewis is to refign all his ecclefiailical Employments, to 
marry a Daughter of France, and afcend the Throne of 
Corlica ; if the termagant old Woman at St. Ildefonfo 
can get PofTelTion of it. 

Italy, 
' From the Refolution which the King of Sardinia has 
taken to reform his Troops, as well as (everal other 
Difipoiitions, no Troubles are apprehended in Italy :i 
even the Barbary Corfairs are checked in their Piratical 
Excurfions, by the Vigilance of fome Maltefeand Nea- 
politan Veffcls. The poor Republick of Genoa is dill 

ilruggling 



ne MIDWIFE. 139 

fhngglii^ with tho(eDlf&Cttlties» which hor Senators, l&e 
& Parcel of filiy old Women, entailed upon their Coun* 
try by afibciating with France in the Year 1 746 : Their 
Regality of Corfica evinces what the Duke of Wir- 
temberg formerly told their Doge, that the whole Ifland 
is not worth PofTeflion : So that we are in Expedlation 
ef feeing this Saracen Crown inclofe the Head of an- 
other Prince of the Bourbonian Line ; while, miferable 
Theodore, their late acknowledged Sovereign, is a ne« 
ceflitous Prifoner within the Coniines of an Englifh 
Goal. The Genoefe Bills belonging to the Bank of 
St. George, are tUU 49 per Cent, under Par ; and the 
^nate intend to have an annual Lottery, of 600,000 
Livres, for reviving the Credit of the Bank. 

France. 
While the poor acceding Parties to the definitive 
Treaty of Aix la Chapelle have been quietly amufing 
tfaemfelves with the Thoughts of enjoying the Product 
of their own Vintages ; the vigilant French have beefi 
extending their Commerce on the Coads of Africa, and 
repairing their ruinM Marine ; which they have done 
fo expeditioudy, as to be now able to boail of 96 Men pf 
War and Frigates ready for Service, exclufive of the 
Ships built in Canada, and thofe on the Stocks in the 

feveral Ports of France But this muft needs be 

/al/c ; for we are told by the hejl Authority^ no longer 
ago th^n January lad, that all the contrafling Powers 
in the definitive Treaty, had given i\itfullfjl and cleanfi 
Declarations of their Refolution to preferve the general 
Peace. Befides this, the French have juft eredled a new 
Manufadory of Cottons and Linnens, plain, ftriped, 
and flowerM : «— All rare News for England ! Hey ho i 
Old Women and' Aix la Chapelle> for ever ? huzza ! for 



i4o The' M I D WI F E. 

my Lord S » huzza, hazza !— — Bat if Mr. Perrier 

fliould fail from Breft, or the Vcflels firom Toulon 
ihould get out, before Commodore Rodpejr departs from 
Portiinouthy what is to come of our new difcovered 

liland ? 

G E R M A N T. 

The Imperial Diet have come to the Refolation of 
guarantying the Treaty of Drefden in its armoft Extent, 
and which i: is expelled his Imperial Majefty will ratify 
from Hungary, wh.re his royal Confort is making frc(h 
Work for her Midwife. The Eleftion of the King of 
the Romans is dill oppofed by the King of Pruffia; 
while France, who has already made an old Woman of 
the Eledlor of Cologne, is endeavouring to clap the filly 
Petticoat over the facerdotal Habiliments of the Eledon 
of Mentz and Cologne. 

Denmark and Sweden. 

The old Tranquility is predominant at the Court of 
Copenhagen. The Court of Stockholm has fent fatis- 
fadlory Accounts of its Proceedings to the Czarina, and 
every Thing feems to promife a durable Harmony be- 
tween the two Courts, at the fame Time that they arc 
both putting their Frontiers in the moft defenfible Con- 
di ion ; and they are both to be commended ; for the 
RuiTian Miniflry arc well apprized that Count Teffin 
has the Afcendency over the new Swedifli Sovereign, 
who may probably imbibe the ambitious and defpotick 
Sentiments for which that Miniflcr is fo remarkably di- 
fHnguifhed in all the different Courts of Europe. 

^Rus s I A. 

The Court of Peterfburgh does not feem to entertain 
any dangerous Attempts from the Ottoman Forces ; the 
Grand Vizir has alTared the Ruffian Miniiler that his 

Sub- 



Tbe MIDWIFE. i^t 

Sdblime Highnefli is defiroas of contribating to the Peace 
of Europe ; the Swede;, notwithftanding their Tranf* 
portation of 8000 Men into Finland, occaiion no Appre- 
heniions that his Swedifh Majefly will difregard his Co- 
ronation Oathy or not fulfil his Afiarances he has made 
to the Czarina, of prcfcrving the prefcnt Form of Efta- 
blifhment in Sweden : So that the Qzarina is entirely 
taSy ; but, notwithftanding, fhe keeps op a numerous 
Army in the Ukraine. 

The Czarina is an Honour to her Sex; for while (he 
maintains the FofTeffions of her illuflrious Father by the. 
Sword ; (he alfo follows his excellent Examj^e in refining 
their Inhabitants by the Introdudtion of Commerce *. For 
it appears, by the Cudom-houfe Books of Peterlbargh^ 
that the foreign Ships arrived there, within this Year^ 
liave traded with the Ruflians to the Value of 9 Milli&ns 
of Rubles, in fuch Commodities only as are produced in 
the Ruffian Territories i and it is generally conjedured 
that the Engliih have taken off no lefs than 3 of the $ 
Millions, for the Commerce with Ruffia has greatly in* 
creafed within this laft ten Years. 

Persia. 

This Country is now in a more calamitous Conditioir 
than ever, principally owing to the Intrigues of the Ot«» 
tonym Miniftry, to divide and weaken the Ferfians hf- 
di^erent Fa£iions caufing the Deftrudlion of one ano- 
ther. For this politic Purpofe, the Turks have infpirited 
Heraclius, Prince of Georgia, to make an Invafion upon 
that diftrafted Empire ; who has ingratiated himfelf in« 
to the AiFeAions of the Aghuans, a bold People, conti« 
nually at War with the Perfians i with whofe AfHftanco 
he has marched from Candahar, at the Head of a nume« 
rons Army, into the Perfian Provinces, where he lays 
all waile before him, to deprive the other contending 

Com* 



142 'The M I D.W I F E. 

Competitors for the Throne, of ProviiionSy and at the 
fame Time ftrikp fuch a Terror into the Periiaas as may 
accelerate their Submi£lon to him. 

Turkey. 

The Peftilence has again broke oat in the Neighbotir- 
hood of Conftantinople, particularly in the Suburbs of 
Pera ; the foreign Miniilers have retired into the Coun- 
try on this Account. 

PlantationNews. 

. From Maryland, we hear, that a Convifl Servant late- 
ly went into his Mailer's Houfe, with an Axe in his Hand, 
determined to kill ' his Miflrefs ; but changing his Pur* 
pofe, thrp" the Innocence of her Countenance, he laid 
his Left I^and on a Block, cut it off, and threw it at 
Her, faying, Nofw make me luork if you can \ which to 
be fure manifefted a noble Spirit of Induftry. 

We have Advice from l^hode-Ifland, that their laft 
AiTembly at Providence, paffed an A61 for emitting 
2oo,oool. old Tenor, on Loan, for ten Years; both 
Principal and Intereft to be paid at that Period.^ They 
have afcertained the Value at eight for one, fixing Dol- 
lars at 48 per Bill of Exchange at 1 200, that is 1 100 Ad- 
vance ; enforcing the Obfervance of this Law with the 
like Penalties as thofe in New-England, and making the 
Punifhment for Counterfeiting, Death. The Intereft it 
Six per Cent, to be paid annually, and to be employed in 
encouraging Induflry, and giving a Bounty on Linnen 
and Woollen Manufadures of the Colony, as alfo on the 
Whale and Cod Fifliery. 

A very barbarous Murder was lately committed at 
Elkridge, in New-York, by Jeremiah Swift, a Conyid 
Servant belonging to Mr. John Hatherley» about zl 
Years of Age j who took an Opportunity, while Mr. 

Ha. 



7be MIDWIFE. 143 

Hatherley and his Wife were attending a Faneral, to 
knock out the Brains of their two Sons with a Hoe^ aiKl 
to kill their Daughter with an Axe. 

Domestic Occurrences. 
To encourage the Crew of each Bufs belonging to 
the Britiih Herring Fifliery to do their Duty, a Premium 
of 30 1. will be given to the Company of that VeiTel who 
ihall catch the moil Herrings during the Seafon, and 
cure them beft; 20 1. to the fecond, and i^l. to the 
third ; to be dilhibuted among them in Proportion to 
their Wages.. 

The Chamber of Campbel-Town have fubfcribed 
10,000 1. into the Society of the free Britiih Fifhery. 

The Dutch have 450 BuiTes ready for the Herring 
Fifhery; but we, alas! have no more than ten. 

The iniquitous Cuilom of Duelling has been lately 
vtty prevalent. Capt. Sole and Mr. Pafcal, upon a 
Quarrel arifing from a Difpute at Gaming, quitted the 
Tavern, with an Intent to terminate their DiiFerence in 
Hyde-Park : But Mr. Pafcal was either too mi^h in 
Liquor, or too little in Reafon, to ftay till they got to 
the appointed Place, and drew his Sword upon his An- 
tagonift in the Street, who with much Reludlance alfo 
drew his Weapon, and after a little Trial of Skill very 
prettily pink'd his drunken Enemy thro' the Body, the 
Sword entering below the Navel, and coming out at 
the Back-bone. Mr. Pafcal was afterwards fo fenfible 
of the Provocation he had given Capt. Sole, that he 
freely forgave him ; and the Coroner's Inqueil brought 
in their Verdi£l Manilaughter. 

But t;he mod remarkable Accident of this Nature hap- 
pened betweecn Mr, Daltou and Mr. Paul, two young 
<Semlemen of Fortune, and vtty intimate Friends. Mr. 
faul had paid his Addieffes to a yooog Lady^ btitMt« 



144 7S^ M I D W I F E» 

Dalton had met with z more ftvoorable Reception, and 
che Lidy gave him a Promife of Marriage. Mr. Paul 
and Mr. Dalton paid a Vifit to the young Gentlewomaa 
in Company with Mr. Panics Siftcn ; when the young 
Lady told the Company, Mr. Dalton had detained 
licr SnuflF-box; which Mr, ftiul, on her Intreaty 
procured from Mr. Dalton, and did not return it 
him, which made Mr. Dalton fomewhat angry ; a few 
Words arofe ; the Gentlemen parted ; and the Ladies 
were in the ntmoft Confufion on this Occafion. Mr. 
Paul condudted his Sifters home* put on his Sword, and 
went to Mr. Dalton*8 Lodgings; fent him a Challenge 
while he was in Company at the Braund's Head Tavern, 
which the other accepted, and went to meet Mr. Panl. 
They went up into Mr. Dalton*s Room, who fecmcd 
to retain his Anger, and propofed fighting in the Room « 
which the other agreed to. They ^rft propofed firing 
off Piftols, but letraded that Propofal, and metfuied 
Swords. They then embraced, and invoked Heaven 
for Mercy, Forgivenefs, and Succefs, and made fevcral 
violent Paffes, in which the Candles were knocked 
down. Mr. Dalton went out and lighted the Can* 
dies ; on his Return they repeated their Embrace i and 
renewed the Encounter ; Mr. Dalton received a Wound 
on his Left-hand, bnt difregarding that he prefTed home 
on his Antagonift, and received a Wound in the Breaft, 
of which he immediately expired. Mn Paul, on this 
fatal Accident threw down his Sword, and ran with all 
' pofiible Expedition to two eminent Surgeons, who came 
dircflly, but in vain, for the unhappy Gentleman was 
dead. ■■ How terrible is this inhuman Proceeding 

of Duelling ! in this melancholy Affair Mr. Paul has de- 
prived himfelf of a Friend, a young Lady of a valtiahKe 
hover, the King of a Subjed, a diflrefled Parent of a 
Sop, znd the World of a fine Gentleman. 



I 145 ] 



(I 



i*v-**»i 



The MIDWIFE. 



N U M B E R TV. 






nil f i I 



V o !lv n. 



> • » 'a 



9^mm^mmtmmtmmmmmmu*mmm'mwt^mm0 



jl Remarkable PrediSion of an Author^ who 

' flball w*i}e an Hifitny of England- in the 

' Year 1931, v)ith Pari of th^ Contents of his 

23d Chapter. By Mrs. Midnight. 

jf.'i'"^ I S ncJW near two Centuries fince the In- 

M faabitahts qf this Ifland contr^Sed a .mi£- 

cbievoufi Habit of drinking Gin, .which 

lias been fatal to all their Race, anid is the Reafon 

why we are now the moft diminutive Creatures 

upon Earth. By what I can learn from the Hido- 

rians of that Time, aod by What wc gather from 

the Door Pofts of their Buildings^ it plainly kppearii 

that tttc Brftens were" then as big as the French j 

Spaniards^ or any other People ; and this alio agrees 

Vith What Old Poprtn hath often told me : Thi4 

old Man faW the Tower of L^don before It wa^ 

Vol. II. M 4j^- 



146 ne MIDWIFE. 

deftroy'd, and aflured me, that by the Arihour 
there, the Inhabitants of that Time moft have been 
between five and fix Feet high. And this is farther 
proved and confirmed by Mr. Caxall^ the Anti* 
qujuian, who hatfinow byjiim a. WaUung^taff, 
dugoutof theRuinsof GTn^ttry-Zf^xf/^, nearj^iVi;- 
toH^ which is four Foot long, and on it are engni<- 
ved the Letters NE WB E R T: Probably the 
fame Newhtry who wrote the Heroic Poem entitled 
The Bemfit of eating Beef^ a Sort of Food mucli^iA 
Repute in thofe Days, tho' now not digeftible by 
eur puny Stomachs ; and if the fame, he was not 
a very tall Man, if we may believe the Biographer 
who wrote his Life, which is prefixed to the Poem. 
»-^TI)efe Things confidered, have we not Reafbn to 
curfe the People who entail'd fucb Miiery on their 
own Race, and brought us to this State of Deilnic- 
tion. At that Time we made a glorious Figure in 
Hiftory, we were refpeded by otiher Nations^ and 
it was no Wonder thai to fee zxiEnfliJbman fi^ Feet 
high and his Hat cocjc'd, whereas the roightiaft oJF 
lis now is not above two Feet and a half, iwt we 
bang down our Heads and are defpifed by all die 
People in the Wprl^. 

Thus much ty Way of IntroiuQUn^ or Prcem^ or 
Jlefe^ion } for in thofe Days Hijiorians will mah 
their Rffieifions at the Beginning of their Chapters^ 

* Of which there now (fays the Author) remain fome 
Fragments^ with the Coouncntary of one Smart, wjio 
tho' but four Feet high wopld now be cSecm*d a Giant. 

Me 



fie MIDWIFE. 147 

* 

ffii then proceeds to bis Hi/forjj from xvhich I Jhalt 
fekSf a few Paragraphs. 

At this Time there was a War between our 
Nation and the French and the Spaniards^ wherein 
we were affifted, or at leaft ought to have been 
affifted, by the Dutch i A People who at that 
Tame inhabited the Low Countries^ which are now 
called Frenchalsa. There was nothing very re- 
markable eflFeded by our Land Forces ; but Admi- 
ral Jbtfott and Admiral Hawi t>eat the French and 
Spaniards by Sea damnably (this Phrafe may feem" 
rather too rough for the Ladies^ but I am obliged ta 
keep literally to my Author) He proceeds I 

cannot quit this Period without taking Notice of 
one of the Authors of that Time, namely, Madam 
Mary ACdnight : She wrote that celebrated Book 
entitled TheMiDwiFE: Or» Old Woman* s Ma- 
gazim^ whid^ is now tranflated into all the modern 
Langu^es, and read in ail the European Univerfi- 
ties and Schools, as a Ciaffic* She was a Woman 
of prodigious Vivacity, of fine fertile Fancy, of 
profound Learning, of good found folid fubftantiai 
Senfe, and had more Wit and Humour than all the 
Writere of that Age or any other Age whatever. 
She had a moft fiiperb ««»♦♦♦♦**♦♦ 

My Modejiy mil. not permit me to tranfcribe any 

M 3 far- 



f vr rviv« • 



■•'••I* »t^w ««*»f/W 



y*"" "y 



**«••<• vir* * ••« •*! 



y Britain. 



The Parliaments In former Ages were of 
Vfe» but now tlie only Figure they make is 
pher : They talk of this and that and t'othi 
do nothing, or at leaft what they do is to n 
pofe s and this has generally h^tn the Cafe fin 
Eilabliihment of Bribery and Corruption, 
began in the Reign of King "Jonathan the ' 
' ■ ■ - Mark what a Letter a Member at that 
wrote to a P^ime Minifter who had ofFer'd hu 
ney for his Vote, 

IhnnL 5/r, 

The Money you bid me is too little, I 
can't afford to take lefs than I afk'd you, 
you will not give me my Price I am detcrm 
vote according to my Confciencc. 



fte MIDWIFE. 149 

tf. B. In order to undcirftand this Poftferlpt, it 
will be neceflaiy for me to inform you» that the 
Parliainents will then fit fourteen Years; but a9 
that is a terrible Profped to look at, let us 
drop the Veil of Fate, and hide the other Parts of 
thb Hifbry 'till the Time be expired, and the Au- 
tbor has wrote them. 

M« MiDKIOHT. 



fhe Hiftarj of thi Birth and Aioentures of 
Mejf. Inclination tf»J Ability. 

MR S. Virginia Virtue^ an ancient Maiden, 
who about a Century and a half ago refided 
b thb Kingdom, after refufing a great many Of* 
fers, at length gave her Hand to one Sir Davii 
Vifire. But fhe did not long enjoy the Comforts 
of Matrimony, for Dejirt foon expired after Pof- 
Teffion, and left Lady Virtue a Widow, as ihe had 
been before an Orphan. Lady Virtue having a 
Kortune of her own, which neither Time nor 
Chance cou'd diveft her of, did not defpair of a 
boond. Mufband ; but finding herfelf pregnant, ihe 
thought proper to wait till ihe was delivered, and 
in due time (he brought forth a brave chopping 
Boy, whom ihe call'd JSmretdes Ability -^ who In 
Procels of Time became itmarkably diiHnguiihed 
br all the Accompliibments both of Body and 
Mlndf In about a Year after the Dcccafc of Six 

M 5 Dcvid 



ISO The M I D W i F E. 

David Defire^ Lady Virtue liften'd to the Vows of 
Sir Surface Smatter^ by whom in ten Years Tinwf, 
and with the help of Medicines, fhc had a little 
ricketty Brat, whom they agreed fhou'd have the 
Name of Ifgrim Inclination. Ability had the bcft 
Mafters in all the Arts and Sciences^ and profiteS 
by them all ; Inclination had the (ame Advantages) 
and profited by none. The younger Brother had 
a perpetual Affeftation of mimicking the Elder, 
but he did it in fo uncouth a Manner, that he ap- 
peared beyond Meafure abfurd and ridiculous, 
Ifgrim was extravagantly fond of his Brother ///r- 
cules^ but he (tho* otherwife a Lad of fingular Hu- 
manity) cou'd not help both pitying and contemn* 
ing poor Ifgrim. At the Age of thirteen AhiUty 
fhew'd fome Signs of a Genius for Poetry, and has 
fmce wrote fevcral excellent Pieces, which he pub- 
lifhed under the Names Collins^ fVartoUj Mafon^ 
and others. This fet Ifgrim agog, and to fay 
the Truth, moft of the modern Compofitions arc 
in Fa<3 his, tho' they pafs under the Name; of 
others. But I can favour the Publick with a little 
Piece of Poetry which he wrote at Eighteen, and 
which he valued himfelf upon above all his other 
Compofitions. 

■ 

* The little Bee into^tii Garden hies^ 
To fearch out vartoms tku^rs of various Dies i 
The Rofe and Lilly fiveeify Jucketh he^ 
Then goetb Home again the little Bet. 

Thus 



the MIDWIFE. 151 

« 

Tlhus little i away to charming Phyllisy 
To Sylvia, Daphne, or to Amaryllis, 

Cia/p*d in their Arms I fweetfy tajii and try^ 
Then fuU of Rapture home comes little /• 

The Conceit of expreffing himfelf with a little i 
inftead of a Capital, he acknowledges to be the 
greateft Stroke of Genius he ever hit off in hb 

Life. It is remarkable * Lady Virtue gave her 

Children no Fortune, fo they were obliged to earn 
a Livelyhood in the beft Manner they were able. 
Ability took to the Stage at one Houfe, and Ifgrim^ 
who always imitated bis Brother, chofe the fame 
Profeifion at another. Their diiFerent Reception 
in this and other Occupations in Life wiU be re* 
counted in the next Number. 



.<«. 



To tht Keeper of the Curioftties 41 Grcftiam- 

College. 

IN the Month of December^ 1709, Capt. Le^" 
muel Gulliver depoAted feveral Curiofities in 
your.Repofitory, as appears by a Memorandum 
in his Red*leather Pocket-Book, which I have 



* We hope no Perfon of Diftiodion will take it amift 
tlut Virtue is made a Lady of Quality. 

now 



tgz Tie M I D W I F E» 

now in my Pofleffion, tnd by a IHiffiige in die 3I 
Chapter of hb Voyage to Okobdingkag." Am 
the Articles are not fpccified in die Poclcet*BoDk, 
I am at a Lofi to know exaSdy what and how 
many they are $ bt)t tlie following QyoCadon from 
the Chapter abovementioned will fct us right is 
one Particular. 

Extras from tbeVcyage /^ Bb^obdinonag^ 

Chap. IIL 

<< I remember one Morning when GlumdakUtch 
^* had fet me in a Box upon a Window, as flie 
*< ufually did in fair Days to give me Air, (fiof 
** I durft not venture to let the Box be hung on a 
<< Nail out of the Window, as we do with Cages 
<< in England) after I had lifted up one of the 
** Saflies, and fat down at my Table to eat a 
^* Piece of fweet Cake for my Break&ft, above 
^ twenty fVafps allured by the SmcU came flying 
*< round the Room> bumming louder than the 
^ Drones of as many Bagpipes. Some of them 
^* feized my Cake, and carried it piece-meal away* 
** others flew about my Head and Face, and eoxh 
^^ founded me with their Notie, and put me in the 
** uUttoft Terror of. their Stings. However I had 
^ the Courage to rife and draw my Hanger, uA 
^ attack them in the Air. I difpatch'd four <rf 
** them, but the reft got away, and I prefendy 
^ ihut «y Window. Thefe Creatures were aa 
^l lai;ge as Partri^a^ I took out tbcir Sdngs^ 

found 



*^^ found them an Inch and* a half long, and as 
*< fbarp as Neediest I carefully preferred them 
<< all, and having fince fhewn then in feveral 
*• Parts of Europe I upon my Return to Englandy 
^ I depofited three of them in Grejham-Collegiy 
« and kept thrf fourth for myfelf." 

Now Sir, this Capt. Lemuel Gulliver did by his 
laft Will and Teftament bearing Date July 24, 
One Thoufand Seven Hundred and Eighteen, 
(a Copy of which you may procure from the 
Commons) give and bequeath unto me, aD 
and every the Curiofities which he brought from 
Lilliputy Br^hdingnag^ Laputay Balnibarhij Lugg^ 
^^Sif Ghhdubnhh and f apart 5 together with what 
fee procured in the Country of the Hon^bnms • 
SB jou will fee by the following. 

/In Extras frm tht Will of CafU Le- 
muel Gulliver. 

; <* And I alio give and bequeath to my dear 
•^ Friend Mrs. Mary Midnight j all and every the 
•* Curiofities which I brought with me from LiU 
*< lipttt^i Brobdingnagj Laputay Bakilnirbiy Glub* 
*< duhrrbj and Japan^ and the County of the 
<* Honihnhnms to her and her Heirs for ever. And 
*< as I have never in all my Travels found any 
*< Perfon fo wife and learned as that Gentle- 
*^ woman, I io alfo give her and her Heirs for 
** ever the Property and Copy-right of all my 
^^ Voyages, which flie iball think proper to write 

«' Notes 



154 «^ MIDWIFE- 

'< Notes or Comments upon^ well knowing tfaati 
^« there is no Perfon in ^is World Co capable of 
<^ doing Juftice to my Works, to my Memory^ 
«« and to the Publick, Vt. tfr. 

Now notwithftanding the Care of the Tefiator, 
and of bis Executo^^S) I sun informed that there 
are certain Perfons have laid a Scheme to de- 
prive me of this my Property in Defiance of Law, 
Equity, and the Will of the Deceafed. I hope 
none of your Society are in the Combination, yet 
if they ihould I fhall be able to difconcert their 
Proje^s. That the Stings of thefe Wafps were 
lodg'd in your Repoiiiory, no Body, I prefume, 
will have the Face to deny i 'Twas publickly af- 
ierted by the Tefiator in his Life-time, and that 
in Print, and as none of your Society have faid 
any thing to the contrary, or ever offered to dif« 
prove it, their Silence will be confidered by 9II 
wife and j.uft Men as a tacit Acknowledgement of 
the Receipt of thofe Goods. 

Befides the above, Mr. J&natbMn GuUhiTf a 
Relation of the Captain's, aflures me, that fome of 
your Society borrowed of him the (aid Captain, a 
Snail's Horn broug)bt from LiUifut^ which was ib 
fmall that it could not be perceived ivea with m 
Microfcope ; and another from Br$bdingnag as 
big as the Whale*a Rib in St. Janus^z Palace 
Court. He farther affirms that he aUbknt your So* . 
ciety the Comb that was made of the King of Br$h* 
^ingnagh Beard, the£ye ofa worfled Needle, and the 

Back-iide of a Bee ; all which you are defiredim* 

mediately . 



The MIDWIFE. 155 

mediatdjT to fend me. 'Tis to no Purpofe to equi* 
vocate, as theFaihion is, and denj tbeReoeipt 
of them, for I am ready to prove it by the Mouths 
of twenty-fix Evidences, and Mr^ BuftU-aiout^ 
the Witneis-monger, a Gentleman who attends 
many of his Majefty's Courts of Judicature, and 
underftands all Sorts of thefe Sort of Affairs, has 
jpromifed to procure me fifty more if through your 
Obftinacy imy Caufe fliould require it« JBut I hope 
^ou will weigh and conflder thefe Thin^, and do 
immediate Juftici to, 

XiurbumUe Sgrvant. . 
Mary Midnxcht. 



^ Jnitati$n of Horace, iy wi Lord O— ^ 

£biu fugacis Pofthumty Pafthumi^ kc. 

I. 

HOW fwiftahB, the rolling Years 
Hafte to devour their deftin'd Prey ! 
A Modi eadi winged Minute bears. 
Which fliU in vain the Stationers 

From the dead Authors fweep away ;^ 
And Troops of Canker-worms with fecret Pride, 
Thro' gay vermiUion Leaves and gilded glide. 

n. 

^reat Bavius^ ihouU thy critic Vein 
Each Day fupply the teeming Preis» 



fAM^^0 ■*«•%■ A '« MIAA^* 



Knights, 'Squires, and Dodbn of all'O 
From Ae Purfurt of laftrng Fame, 
ftetiring there a Manfion clahn j ;' * 

Behold the Fate of modern Scholars-! 
Why will you then with Hope dfelufive led. 
For various Readings toil, which never will b 

: IV. 

With Silver Clafp, and corner Plate, 

You fbrtify tReTavourite Boot. ' ^ 

Fear not from Worms nor Time tfay Fate : 
Alore cruel Foes thy Works await. 

The Cutler, with the impatient Cook, 
And paftry Nymphs with Trunk-makers co 
To eafe the groaning Shelves, and fpoil tl 
Defign. 



^be Humble Petition of AN Y- BO I 



Tie MIDWIFE. 157 

lat he is deny'd even the Power as well as 
£t of Exiftence. An Aflertion however it 
feem incredible, yet it is no lefi pofitive than 
: When fome charitable Perfon is inclinable to 
1 A£^ of Benevolence, which is defigned with 
eral Intention and laudable Spirit, for Any- 
y, who thoroughly deferves it^ I am not«only 
ved of the Donation, but denied even mjr 
:ence, with an AnTwer that Anybody is 
ODY. Hence it is, that many Things, which 
Lgreed on all Hands to be capable of making 
BODY happy, are given to Nobody. Yet 
is more com'mon than the Queftion, is Any* 
f within? Anybody there? which very 
lions prove my Exiftence. 
liat greater Indignities can be impofed on any 
\ than are daily inilided on me. Do not I fee 
that are mere Non-Entities given the Right 
recedence and PoiTeffion before me ? How 
' Times is it faid. Nobody (hall have it, 
[}DY (hall take it, when at the fame Time 
body would be glad of it; and at other 
» when Nobody will rcfufe it. Anybody 
take it. 

:t this I may boaft of, that I am as keen in 
urfuit and Reward of Merit, as Anybody 
can be. and that tho' Nobody diflikes, yet 
BODY who has common Senfe, (which an 
urager of Merit muft have) will always ap- 
your Lucubrations. Confider then^ Madam, 

N of 



I5« The M I D W 1 F E: 

of thcfe my Complaints, or you will (he 
from SoM£BODY whom yoii little fiifpe^ 

TaurSf 

ANY-BC 



♦ Frm the RAMBLER 

. Fatis accede deifque^ 

Et colefelices^ mijeros fuge. iidera 

Ut dijiant^ £sf flamma mari^ ftc utile 

THERE is fcarcely any Sentiment i 
amidft the innumerable Varieties 
• • • ■ 

nation that Nature or Accident have fca 
th'e Worid, we find greater Numbers co 
than in the Wiih for Riches ; a Wifii \\ 
prevalent, that it may be confidered as 
and tranfcendental, as the Defire in which 
Deflres are induded, and of which die 
Purpofes that aduate Mankind, are a 
ordinate Species, and different Modifkatic 
Wealth is indeed the general Center of 
tion, the Point to which all Minds prefers 
variable Tendency, and from which the 
wards diverge in numberlefs Dirc£lions. 
«ver is the remote or ultimate Defign, 
mediate Care is to be rich^ and in y 
£njo)rment we intend finally to acquiel 
ieldotft conilder it as attainable but by the h 



^ A Paper publilh'ii every '*tuffday and Saturday , pr 



r/^ M I D W I F E. 159 

Money, of which all therefore confcfs the Val«c p 
nor IS there any Difagreement but about the Ufe. 

There is fcarcely any Paffion which Riches do- 
not afli ft us to gratify. He that places his Hap- 
pinefs in full Chefts or numerous Dependents, hv 
refined Praife or popular Acclamation, in the Ac- 
cumulation of Curiofities or the Revels of Luxury^ 
in fplendid- Edifices or wide Plantations, muft ftili 
either by Birib or Acquifition poflefs Riches. They 
may be confidered as the elemental Principles of 
Pleaiijre, which may be combined with endlefs t)i- 
vcrfity ; as the eflential and neceflary Subftance, of 
which the Form only is to h^ adjwfted by Choice. 

The Ncccflity of Riches being thus apparent, ir 
i« not wonderful that alflsroft every Min^i* has been* 
employed in Endeavours to acquire them ; that 
Multitudes have vied with each other in Arts by 
which Life is furnifhed with Accommodations, and 
which therefore Mankind may reafonably be ex- 
pelled to reward. 

It had indeed been happy had this predbmihanC 
Appetite operated only in Concurrence with Vir- 
tue, and influenced none but thofe who were 
sealous to defejve what they were eager to poflefs,. 
and had Abilities to improve their own Fortune?, 
by contributing to the £afe or Happinefs of others. 
To have Riches and to have Virtue would then 
Itave been the fame, and Succefs might reafonably 
have been confidered as a Proof of Merit. 

But 'we do not find that any of the Defires of 
Men keep a ftated Proportion to their Powers of 

N 2. At- 



i6o The M I D W I F E. 

Attainment. Many envy and defire Wealth 
can never procure it by honeft Induftry, or 
Knowledge. They therefore turn their 
about to examine what other Methods can be 
of gaining what none, however impotent, orij 
lefs, can be content to want. 

A little Enquiry will difcover that tfaei 
nearer Ways to Profit than through the 
cades of Art, or up the Steeps of Labour 
wh^t Wifdom and Virtue fcarcely receive ; 
Clofe of Life, as the Recompence of long 
and repeated Efforts, is brought within the ', 
of Subtilty and Difhonefty, by more expec 
and compendious Meafures : That the W« 
Credulity is an open Prey to Falfbood, an< 
the PofTeffions of Ignorance and Imbecillit 
eafily withdrawn by the fecret Conveyances c 
tifice, or feized by the Gripe of unrefifted 
lence. 

It is likewife not hard to difcover, that 1 
always procure Proteftion for themfelves, tha 
dazzle the Eyes of Enquiry, divert the Celcj 
Purfuit, or appeafe the Ferofity of Venge 
that when any Man is inconteflibly known t( 
large PofTeffions, very few think it requifite i 
quire by what Practices they were obtained 
the Refentment of Mankind rages only^ again 
Struggles of feeble and timorous Corruption 
that when it has furmounted the firft Oppoi 
it is afterwards fupported by Favour, and ani 
by Applaufe. 



fie miD W IF E. i6r 

.The Profpeft of gaining fpeedily what is ardently 
iefired, and the Certaiilty of obtaining by every 
AccefSon of Advantage an Addition of Security, 
have fo far prevailed upon the PafGons of Mankind, 
that the Peace of Life is deftroyed by a general 
and inceflTant Struggle for Riches. It is obferved 
of Gold, by an old Epigrammatic, that to have it 
is to bi in Fear^ and to want it is to be in Sorrow. 
Th6r'e is no Condition which is not difquieted 
either with the 'Care of gaining or of kecpirig 
Money ; and the Race of Man may be divided in 
a political Eftimate between^ thofe who are pra^^ifing 
Fraud, and thofe who are repelling it. 

If we confider the prefent State of tfie- World, 
k will be found, that all Confidence is loft' among 
Mankind; that no Man ventures to aft, where 
Money can be endangered, upon the Faith of an- 
other. It b impoffible to fee the long Scrolls in 
which every Contraft is included, with all their 
Appendages of Seals and Atteftatlony. without 
wondering at the Depravity of thofe Beings, who 
muft be reftrained from-i Violation of' Pronprife b){- 
ilich formal and publick Evidences, and precluded 
from Equivocation and Subterfuge by fuch punfli- 
lious Minutencfs. Among the Satires to which 
Folly and Wickednefs have given Occafion, none 
' is equally fevere with a Bond, or a Settlemenf . 

Among the various Arts by which Richee may 

be obtained,^ the greater Part are at the fifff View 

"" irreconcileable with the Laws of Virtue ; fbme 

a» openly flagitious,, and pra£lifed^ not only in 

•N'j Negledl,: 



xvcgaiU) ijuiiii umt uicy iittvc ucviaicu iru 

Right lefs than others, and have (boner and 
diligently endeavoured to return. 

One of the chief Chara£terifticks of the ( 
Age, of the Age in which neither Care nor 
ger had intruded on Mankind, is the Coma 
of PofiefSons, by which Strife and Fraud we 
eluded, and every turbulent Paffion was ftil 
Plenty and Equality. Such were indeed 
Times, but fuch Times can return no 
Community of PofTeiCon mi^ft always ii 
Spontaneity of ProduSion ; for what is only 
obtained by Labour muft be of right the Pr< 
of him by whofe Labour it is gained. And 
a rightful Claim to Pleafure or to Affluence 
be procured either by flow Induflry or unc 
Hazard, there will always be Multitudes y 
Cowardice or Impatience will incite to moi 
and more fpccdy Methods, who will ftudy to 



tie MIDWIFE. 163 

many to Vows of perpetual PoTcrty ; they have 
fupprefTed Defire by cutting ofF the Poffibility of 
Gratification, and fecured their Peace by deftroy- 
ing the Enemy whom they had no Hope of reduc- 
ing to quiet Subje£Uon. But by debarring thern- 
felves from Evil, they have refctnded many Op- 
portunities of Good ; they have funk into Inac- 
tivity and Ufeleflhefs, and if they have foreborn 
to injure Society, they cannot be confidered as 
Contributors to its Felicity. 

While Riches are fo neceflary to prefent Con- 
venience, and fo much more eafily obtained by 
Crimes than Virtues, the Mind can only be fecured 
from yielding to the continual Impulfe of Cove- 
toufnels by the Preponderation of other Motives, 
Gold will generally turn the intellectual Balance, 
when weighed only againft Reputation, but will 
be light and ineffedual when the oppofite Scale is 
charged with Juftice, Veracity, and Piety. 



To Mrs. Mary Midnight. 

Madam, 

I Read the Letter from Mr. Robin/on to Mr, 
Smyth, inferted in your laA Number, with incre- 
dible Satisfaction, as, I think, there breathes thro* 
the whole, a truly fenlible, manly, and (what is 
beft of all) a Chrijiian Spirit. Nothing in Nature 
can be more unreafonable or more nonfenGcal, than 
ranging the giving of a Challenge amongft the 

Aas 



jr«4 f^^ NfrDWfF& 

ASts of Qravery,: or the refufing one ar 
ihofe of Cowardiee. The Ramans were a 
by all the Worid to be the braveft Peoph 
And yet from .the Foundation of that Stat< 
Deftrudiony. I defy the moft learned of ou 
dern Bravoes to produce an Inftance of oh< 
fought, or one Challenge given. I fini 
Madani) congratulate you on the Succefs o 
Worlc, and am glad to fee that your Maga 
not (as I at firft imagined) a Matter ol 

Mirth— But is 

IViih a moral View defigtCd 
^opkafe and ta reform Mankinds 

Xours affe£fi<matelyy 

I S A aE L ] 



4t'f 4. A» none of our pretended Poets or C 
have ever tranflated the firft Ode of my 
Friend Horace, according to the gt 
Reading, I fhaU prefent them with the foil 
Tranflation by my Nerce Nelfy^ which (1 
dertook for the Benefit of the Gentleni 
both Univerfities. 

Me doSlarum hedera pramla fronttum 
Diis-mifcent fuperis : (for fo the Herd of'V 
have it) Ne/iy telk- me fhould be : 

"Ti doSf arum* hedera pramia frontium 
Diis mifcent fuperis^ for Horace had'm 
Vanity to apply it to bimfelf^ and afl'ume a 



The MIDWIFE. 165 

raSer that fo juftly belong'd to Mec-«:nas' 
Nor could he be fo mean-fpirited, after he had 
aflerted his Right to quafF Ne£lar with the Gods, 
as to condefcend to afk his Patron to number 
him among the Lyric Poets and Ballad- 
makers* 



ro M E C JE N A S. 

TH Y noble Birth, Mecanas fprings 
From an illuftrious Race of King9, 
That in Etruria reign'd j 
Thy kind Proteftion is my Boaft, 
My all without Thee, had been loft, 
My Patron and my Friend. 

Some in Olympick Games delight, 
Where Clouds of Duft obfcure the Sight, 

And darken all the Skies ; 
Striving who firft (hall reach the Goal, 
Their kindling Wheels around to roll. 

And gain the glorious Prize. 

The Palm obtatn'd, fo great the Odds^ 
It ranks the Vi£lors with the Gods, 

That rule the World below: 
Others by low Intrigues elate. 
To fhine a Minifter of State, ^ , 

All lefs Purfuits forego. 

Some 



r 



1^ <tbt M ID'W I FE. 

Some lur'd with Hopes of ample Gzin^ 
Their Garners fill with Lybian Grain^., 

Awaiting Times of Dearth : 
. Some wedded to paternal Fields, 
Admire the Store that Lal)our yields^ 

£mplay*d to till the Earth. 

Offer to tbcfe Piruvtan Mines^ 

Or all the glitt'ring Wealth tHat flirnCs^ 

On*India*s diftant Shore ; 
They would not tempt the ftormy Main 
Where Winds unequal War maintain, 

And Waves incefiant roaiu. 

Hie Merchant views, with Fear aghaft^ 
The Fury of the Nwihirn Blaft, 

When lofty Billows foam ; 
Praifes thp Country's calm. Retreats,. 
Yet foon his ibatter'(l Bark refits,, 

In tracklefs Paths Co roam- 

Some cheer the Hours witt racy Wine, 
The Prod^a of the Maffick Vine, 

Redin'd beneath a Shade ; 
Or near a MoiTy (acred Source, 
Where Streams begin their fileiit Courfe,, 

Their lifilefs Limbe are laid*. 

Others are pleasM when Monarchs jarr. 
Admiring all the Pomp of War, 
And cv'ry * warlike Air 5 

Wh 



9%e M I Jd) W I F E. t&f 

When Trumpets fainting* Hearts inrpire, 
An4 Clarions kindle martial Fire, ^ >> 

Detcftcd by the Fair* 

■-> - * 
The Sportfman bent to cfaace the Hind^ 

To all Delights befides is blind. 

His Spoufe entreau in vain ; 
Defpifing wint^iy Skies he bounds* 
Attended by fagacious Hounds* 

O'er Hill, and Dale* and Plan. 

Politer Arts, Mecariat^ (hare. 
Thy calmer Hours and banilh Care, 

Th' Employment of the Wife 5 
An Ivy Wreath thy Temples binds* 
An Honour due t'exalted Minds, 

The Kindred of the Skies. 

^ 

I love to fing the cooling Grove, 

Where NymjAs and Fawns in Meafures move \ 

And if the Mufes aid : 
Euterpe (hall the Flute infpire. 
And Polyhymnia touch the Lyre, 

Deep in a facred Shade, 

Thus rais'd above the vulgar Throng* 
To noble Themes I'll fuit my Song, 

And if you rank my Name ; 
Among the tuneful Lyrick Train, 
My w orks' fliall envious Time difdain ; 

Secure of deathleis Fame. 



z68 ne MIDWIFE. 

Tte Sihzsr F A I Ri 
/f SONG. 

L 

FR O M all her fair loquacious Klnd^ 
So different is my RefnUnd ; 
That not one Accent can I gain. 
To crown my Hopes, or footb my Pain. 

Ye Lovers who can conftrue Sighs, 
And are die Interpreters of Eyes ; 

To Language all her Looks tranflate. 
And in her Geftures read my Fate* 

III. 
And if in them you chance to find, 

Ought that is gentle, ought that's kind j. 
Adieu mean Hopes of being Great, 

And all the Littlenels of State. 

IV. 

All Thoughts of Grandeur Til defpife. 
That from Dependance take their Rife | 

To fcrve her (hall be my Employ, 
And Love's fweet Agony my Joy. 

See the (UntraJI to the above in Page 85. Vol. j. 



i 



safe MI D WIFC. i6^ 

W . 'Ti8 a Bddani, 

een^iCh'Wlt;«nd ISeauty tc|dom. 
Pis a'F^ar that fbgts at Shadows. 
Pis (no ^k*at}.me MXs 'Jtfea(f(nas. 
Tis a Vijrgtn hard 6f Feature, 
lid, and void of att'Cpod-naturt: 
^KUi and ketfiil^ wotd(^6era wife ; 
jet plays the f o(fl before fke dies. 
Tis an ugly epvious^ S(urew, 
rbat raUs at dear Lffjfl and yba. 

TfaeTe VetMeMut fluTeitedfii^tke «€W Edition of 
^r. P6fe^9 Weiks, ^d (if ifaey ^m hit) I ^rtll 
rentuve to fiqp,-tlie imiob>fidic»l^d I!iflr. Ciiigr 
lever* wrote mkj- Mf ' fo bad. ^Qucre, ^ft. What 
ire we to -think 6f the^dkorf aiid^ftitty. What 
ire we to think tif 'Ate SdMon ! 

\s I have often ^ven ^echnens of Pieces of Po- 
etry^ in which I coaceiyed there, was Merit, I 
amforry to have fo Jong negleded th<f/!rrtf//W« 
Canons of Friendfliip, publiibM by my good 
Friend Mr. Newbery^ in St.P^jJifs Church-yard. 
*— TheReader.will find in the fabfequent ExtraA, 
feveral good and facetious Rules for making and 
copfirming FriendlhipS) which I heartily recom- 

O mend 



i;o the MIDWIFE. 

mend to the Perufal and the Prafiice of all €hiik 
who chufe to call themfelves my Friends. 

Mary Midnight. 

L£ T's be like Lover's glorioufly deceived. 
And each good Man a better ftill believed; 
E'en Celia's Wart Strephon will not negledy 
But praifes, kifles, loves the dear Defed. 
Oh ! that in Friendfhip we were thus to blame 
And ermin'd Candour, tender of our Fame, 
Wou'd cloath the honeft Error with an honeft* 

Name; 
Be we then fUll to thofe we hold moft dear, 
Fatherly fond, and tenderly fevere. 
The Sire, whofe Son fquints forty tboufimd WijSy 
Finds in his Features mighty Room for Praife : 
Ah ! born (he cries) to make the Ladies figh, 
Jacky, thou haft an am'rous Caft o' the Eye* 
>Another's Child's abortive — he believes 
Nature moft perfe£l in Diminutives ; 
And Men of ev'ry Rank, with one Accord 
Salute each crooked Brachet with My Lord. 
(For bandy Leg^, hump Back, and knocking Kneey 
Are all exceffive Signs of Q;— ty.) 
Thus let us judge our Friends — if Scrub fubfift 
Too meanly. Scrub is an CEconomift ; 
And if Tom Tinkle is full loud and pert^ 
He aims at Wit, and does it to divert. 
Largus is apt to blufter, but you'll (ind 
'Tis owing to his Magnitude of Mind : 

Lolfius 



tbe MIDWIFE. 171 

dUius is paffionate, and lores a Whore, 
irit and Conftitution ! — nothing more — 
ed to a buUying Peer is ty'd for Life, 
nd in commendam holds a fcolding Wife ; 
ive to a Fool's Caprice, and Woman's Will ; 
jt Patience, Patience is a Virtue ftill ! 
(k of Chamont a Kingdom for a Fi(h, 
e*ll give ypu three rather than fpoil a Diih; 
or Pride, nor Luxury, is in the Cafe, 
It Hofpitidity — an't pleafe your Grace, 
lould a great Gen'ral give a Drab a Penfion •— 
feahnefs ! — the Devil— 'tis pcrfeft CondefcenfioiT. 
tcb Ways make many Friends, and make Friends 

long, 
r elfe my good Friend Horace reafons wrong. 



SONG. 
L 

A Y Fhrimel of noble Birtby 
The moft engaging Fair on Earth 
To pleafe a blithe Gallant, 
as much of Wit and much of Worth, 
nd much of Tongue to fet it forth. 
But then fhe has an Aunt. 

IL 
ow oft, ala8 ! in vain I've try'd 
tempt her from her Guardian^s Side, 
And trap her on Love's Hook s 

O 2 SheV 



Ofallii^ Hopes baeafror; 
Her Awt's tUchrnuI Cwiti^ betwixt^ 
By all the f owear of Malice fixt^ 

Todieat mc of my Htvt'a, 



Sme Actoattr ef a neva MHlioGrin^t. 
$k Toung. 

iT is vcqc flrange that we are crer reai}] 
lieve all that is incredible, and to doubt ■ 
thing that is'iemonftrablfe ; yet as much a 1 
as it is, it is ncverihclcfe a Truth. Any 
that has been at Mr. OvtrUn's Shop, or in 
any Pot-hpufe in this- Kingdom-, hv lecn ( 
in black atid n^ite, the Figure of a IVfill t 
old Folks young ; yet then? are many -v 
hardy enotigti to bclicVe there can be no foe 



the MIDWIFE. 173 

The Cafe of Mrs, Martha Spriggings. 

Whereas I Afor/itf Spriggings^ was violently afflid- 
fd with that inevitable Difeafe old Age, attended 
with Blindnefs, Lamen^fs, Deafnefs, Numbnefiand 
Dumbnefs ; I do declare that I am perfectly cured by 
being ground in Mr.^^^r«m'/Mill near Guildford t 
and whereas a Year ago I was upwards of Ninety- 
nine, I am at this prefent writing, noc quite Eigh- 
teen Years Old. 

.Witfiifsy Martha Spriggings. 

Simon Luck^ 
Piter Pringle. 

The Cafe if Mrs. Richard Fumbletext, D. D. 
F. R. S. and Head of ^^^ College, in the 
Univerjity of** * *. 

Whereas I Mrs. Richard Pumhletexty was vehe- 
mently affli£ted with the Weight of Seventy Years 
and upwards, by the means of which I became 
extremely peevifh, froward, abfurd and difbrder'd, 
in the few Senfes that were left me : I do aflert, 
that by being ground in the Guildford Mill, I am 
perfedly recovered and reftored to Youth, info- 
much that I am as much a Child as ever I was. 

Witnefsy Richard Fumblet£xt. 

Mrs. George Trinket^ D. D. F. R. S. 
Mrs. Godina miking, D. D. F. R. S. 

O 3 Thi 



174 ^^ M ID W I FE. 

I'be Cnfi of Mrs. William Capevi, Ihtfor of 

Phjftck. 

Whereas I Mrt. IVilliani Cdpe^U th. df Pfcjfic, 
lately aged Eighty-thr^e ; w^ fb irnmodcrady 
difordered with a Codffe of Years, that t cou'dfiot 
cure myfeff with any of my in&lfible Kf #dithioa : 
This is to certify thofe ^^hontl k ntay conceffls tht 
I am no more than tweilfy-lhre, being grotmd fo 
down to that Age prccifely, Jft the Guiktfird 
Mil), which I ikieerely recommend Id f6e old 
AY omen of all Faculties. 

N. B. The Mill is adapted for Females only, 
fo no Gentleman who does xiot make it apfMr tlttit 
he has been aft pld Woman, €an poJCUy be 

ground. 



To the Critfcks snd tht fntu 

Gentlemen, 

IN fome of mj former I^apers I pointed piiC the 
Excellency and true cbaiaderiflical Beautia of 
Paftoral and Elegiac Poetry, and I Ihall aow, for 
your Inilru£lion and EIntertainiBcnt, give jou 07 
Sentiments on the Ode and the Song ; tw# Specie 
of Poefy that are of all others mj peculiar Fa- 
vourites. I call them two Species of Poefy, and 
1 think with, the greateft poetical and critical Ju- 
fticc i for there is as pitidi Difference between an 

Ode 



ne MI& WIFE. 175 

Ode and a Song, as between a bigh-heerd and a 
low-heel'd Sho^ ^ mimi a» itefc i» beewetA a 
Whig and a Tory. Tbe Odr-wiiCfr mmM iP#- 
lafus upon tbe Withers^ and far Fear of falling 
bolds feft by the MaoQ | but tkt BUM-monger 
gets up bdiind^ fits x Degree }mwmt% Md to five 
bimfeUF» clings clofc to tbe Tail* Tb^re are (bme 
IH>tts indeed wbo are a Sort of Mules In Verfe* 
and are endowM with fuch excellent QuaUtic?, 
ttiat thciy can Intimately mix tfiefe two Species 
togtther, and make of them a true and poetical 
Remuphrodite. A moft animated and extraordi- 
nary Inftance of this Sort we have in one of our 
Pbetsr of the laft Century, who through his ex- 
cdEire Modefty and abundant Wealth (two Qua* 
Jttles inherent to I\)etry and Poets) has endeavourM 
to conceal his Merits and avoid the Praiies he fo 
eminemly deferved. He has by many of our 
Crhidtsbeen compared to Horace^ and by others 
mounted with Pindar % but I think he deferves a 
more exalted Ckfi than either, and I am per- 
Aukkd yoit wiB be of my Opimon, Oendemen, 
tirlMM yoii have jmd over the foHowing Stanzas. 

Qu JoMUiTY : Am 04c, «r Songi itr hrtb. 

I. 

Hiieit was a jovial Butcher, 
He liv'd at Kortbem-fatl-gate^ 

He kept a Stall 

At LiodinhttUj 

And jotirmkalifet %9f tt ^4i§t^ 



176 The midwife: 

11. 

He ran down* Hound/ditch reeling, 

- At Bedlam Yit was frighted. 

He in Mwrfields 
Be fh-t his Heels 

- And at H$xUn be was wiped. 

Now, Gentlemen, for the Dignky 
Science, ("which I hold in the higheft £il 
I ihall endeavour to point out critically, 
cording to the Rules of Art, the Beau 
Graces, and elevated Sentiments in this n 
mired Piece. 

Our incomparable Author, agreeable 
Laws prefcribed by AriJiotU^ Dionyliusj 1 
and ^Intiiian^ and purfuant to the gr 
amples of Homery Virgil^ and Milton^ b< 
Exordium in a fimple Manner, for here 1: 
faw, that the plain Stjle would be moft pi 
Nothing can be more eafy, 

There was a jovial Butcher^ 
One would think from the SimpUdty, 
^ Eaie, and Elegance of that Line, that the 
intended only the Hiftory of his Hero in 
6f Thucidydesy Livy^ or any -other, triflini 
rian ; for no one from thefe Words wouli 
a Pindaric Ode any more than an Epii 
But in the next Line he artfully rifes upon ] 
He liv*dat Northern-faJl-gate. 

How expreffive is this ! Here y 

in one Lipe, not only that the Man liv'd> 



Tie MI D W I F B. 

IVace wbere. he Itv'd, %uz^ at Nor^rm^falUgatt. 
Hither ta we aie peaceable, eoough^ for PigfJ[us 
only trots ; but now the Poet is all on Fire^ wi 
his Steed foanoff at Month: 

Mihpit aStaU 
Jt Leadea^^haily 
AndgU^ Jtimi at tb^ Boy at Aldgate. 

And gee dnuiiBr — — ajv got< drunfe! why 
tbatfa aB;Atci]MMmeiil: weliidlrejipe&d: ItAir- 
pRBB» ufyi audi AeteCoie; it. CKtremely' wgemMt i 
for tbcBttfiDefref-Boetsr]^ v^to injkfuen, lodbM^s 
uai^fimpmzfi. And how amfljfv is^ thv efiUled? 
WV 9aer iuflnUhd<i and dtat'in.&w Wotdi, tint, 

Sk iiptaStaU 
^£«iden-haU$ 

We are tltvated with the Thoughts of hi$ getting 
drunk, and extreamly furprizei that it was at tbi 
Boy at AlSgate ; for who the Devil w:ould. bajye 
thought of hit getting;. drunk- there; BeGdeS) at 
the Time this CMe was wrote, 'twas not cuftbmary 
for pR)pte-tGr get drunk r and therefore the Sur- 
priise was' greater; Dronkermefi' was then con- 
fidtT'd asr the Ptovince only of die NoWeman, the 
Kiiight, the 'Squire, the Loiti of th» M:suior, or 
the Juftice of Peace ; but now we haw Ladrer of 
fudi elevated Spirits j that they can get drunk as 
well as the heft Butcher of them all, which ren- 
iterrthat Incident in theft our Days lefs wonderful* 

Otir Author'a Method is alfo much to be ad- 
tDdred i for after be has perfected his firft Stanza, 

he 



17« r*^ M I D W I F E. 

he proceeds to the fecond ; and pray what call he 
more natural than for the fecond to fudceed the 
iirft? 

He ran down Houndfditch reeling. 

Homer is not more admired for the Qopioftty-^l 
his Invention, the Force of his Imagination, the 
Beauty of his Similies, the Harmony of his Num- 
bers, or the Dignity of his Difiion, than for his 
extenflve Knowledge in Nature, and the federal Arts 
and Sciences ; He was a Philofopher, a Divine, i 
Mathematician, an Hiftorian, a Geographer, and 
a Warrior as well as a Poet. . He underftood 
every thing he has defcribed, and therefore all his 
Defcriptions are animated and beautiful, juft and 
rational, correfpondent to the Precepts of Art' and 
to the Laws of Nature. But our Author vaftly 
exceeds Homer in his Knowledge of Nature and 
the mechanic Laws, as may be demonHrated from 
this Line : 

He ran down Houndfditch reelings 
Any Woman who has a Sot to her Hufband can 
tell you, that a drunken Man will run up Stairs 
when he can't walk even on a fmooth Pavement* 
A ftaggering Man, like a reeling Top, is fecured 
from falling by encreafing the Velocity of his Mo* 
tion, and this is alfo illuftrated and proved by a 
ftumbling Horfe, who will always travel with moft 
Safety when kept up to a good Pace, as our Gen- 
tlemen that ride Poft can teftify. But I appeal 

from 



3»^ M I D W I F E. 17^ 

from the Poft-Boy to Mr. Pope^ who in his Eflay 
on our Science, ba^ the two following Linies : 

Falfe Steps but help them to renew the Race ; 

As J after Jiumblingy "Jades will mend their Paee. 

^Tis therefore with great poetical Jufticc and Judg- 
ment that our Author precipitates his Hero down 
Uaundjditchy and briqgs hioi to Bedlam. 

Here now is. Matter enough to have employed 
your little modern Verfifyers a Month, who run 
into long Common-places, and lay hold of every 
Hint that prefi^nts itfelf/ ^yxtfea finable Silence has 
ifs Emphafis ^ our Author only informs us in a plain 
iimple Manner, that 

At Bedlam he was frighted. 

He would probably have given a Defcription of 
that horrid Place, where fo many of his Fraternity 
had made their miferable Exits, but the Cataftrophe 
of bis Piece was at Hand ; the Fate of this Hero 
was determined, and along Sufpenfion of it by any 
Epifode whatipever, wou'd have been unnatural 
and ofFenfive. He therefore in Imitation of Vir- 
OIL, Geor. IV. 457, ^c. declines all Allurements 
of that fort, for the fake of Uniformity and Order, 
without which he knew his W6rk might be an Heap 
of ibining Materials, but net a beautiful and per- 
manent Edifice. 

The Cataftrophe is preceded by the Affright, 
and is made the Confequence or £ffe£t of that Caufe^ 
as you will perceive. 

At 



100 ne 'M ID^Wly E. 

■ 

He imMootfiddtj 

And at HoxtoQ be was wiped. 

l^HR G^dgmj^l^ fyf ^ Plaiees What tbe Adioir 
happen'd, is Aril^ly oltfenrVI «iid «rmi^d ift 
thrrrnaRnirftl Qrd^r ; HemfdiHh is Iher^difta ftoad 
from dUgaie tt> ^Sedlam^ '#htch b %iflt«i ^Mm* 
JkUs^ Md »^RiMf#ff 4t MrtnoretiMHiteff «|ft3e 
nr die right, jt^^war vorj;* natunl fer'litoy «nl wvtj 

prevent any Difturbances by tliefCoiMAs^ft^taeeS) 
for the Birth of this ^graaft A>et^ wo tirill, if you 
fkaf<^ :Gofilktiien» fttgn nihali JboovtlorAjdti ; 
T^iisil tbinkiftre JB^yr^'lmihjtbe gftaMftBiofkrktf 
aoiijilfticey '{br«veryMan.i84iir^d^q^CDiie toi^ 
voiir ' the . Mtce 4^ his. Nafttxhir,: juid rhia: MctSi^ 
ISoadiieft 4»f ibiB'tfMtive -^Jace cAxfMtv xmode him 
wiiixMit doiibt'bingthe Jovtal^-Butcberiftom Nmr 
tbtrfitJMIgae loi onridiit witbhis Burthtiu 

• Tour faithful firlmd^ &c. 

Mary 'MiDNfCHr^ ' 



Epigram 



rb€ Midwife. 177 

Epigram of Martial, Ub. VIII. Uf. 6g. 
Imitated by Mrs. Midnight. 

Miraris vettres^ Vacerra, filos^ 
f^ec laudasj niji mortuos poetas ; 
Igmfcas^ petimus, Vacerra j tanti 
Nm eft utplaceam iibiy per ire. 

NO PFaifc the grutcbing RofaUnda yields 
To Bards, till they are in th' Eiyjian Fields. 
She fays that every Modern is a Dunce, 
Fiorgetting Homer was a Modern once. 
fiie'--die — fhe cries — and then I'll deign a Smile, 
Your Servant, Ma'm, — but 'tis not worth my 
while. 



A few fboughis on Family. 

By Mrs. Midnight. 

THERE arc many People in the World, 
that are fo proud of their being of a good 
Family, that they never feek after any other Ex- 
cellence, tho' in faft, this is no Excellence at all, 
but a meer Matter of Chance. The following 
Extra£l from Bujbequius is fo much to my prefent 
Purpofe, that L cannot avoid giving a Tranflation of 
it for the Benefit of the unlearned Reader. ** Qui 
*' rerum primas a principe tenent fere funt pafto- 
** rum et bubulcorum filii, de quo tantum abeft 

P «< ut 



178 The MID W IF E. 

*« ut eos pudeat, etiam inter fe glorianCur ; eoq 
<€ fibi plus tribuunt, quo minus majoribus autfc 
*« tunae natalium debent. Neque aut nafci, a 
«« propagari, traducive virtutem putant, S 
<« partem a Deo dari, partem bona difciplina, mi 
«« toque laborc & ftudio comparari: utque p 
*« ternam artem nullam, non muficam, non arit 
*< meticam, non geometriam ; fic nee virtute 
<« ad filium aut haeredem tranfire crcdunt." i 
Englijh thus : 

Thoft who are at the Mead of Affairs amm 
the Turks, are generally the [Sons of Shepherds 
Graziers ; of which they are fo far from bei^ 
ajhamedy that they make a Matter of Boajl oft 
and they attribute to themfelves the more Praife^ t 
lefs they owe to their Progenitors and the Chance. 
Birth i for 'tis their Opinion that Virtue can neitb 
be bom^ propagated^ or transferred : But that pan 
*tis it be Gift of Gody and partly to be acquired Ij 
good Education with much Labour and Study : Jh 
•as no paternal Arty fuch as Mujicky Arithmetic 
and Geometry devolves to tbe Son or Heir^ the fetk 
alfo do they believe of Virtue. 

Much to the fame Purpofe fings Sir TViUla 
D*Avenanty in hisGoNDiBERT, where fpeakixi 
of the Manner of a certain Prince*s difpofing i 
Preferment, he has the following moft exceUa 
Lines 



H 



Ibe MIDWIFE. 179 

Hi Wealth nor Birth freferr'^d to CounciPs Place ; 

For Council is for Ufe not Ornament ; 
Souls are alike of rich and antisnt Race ; 

Thai* Bodies claim DiJlinSlion by Defcent. 

Gondibert, Book II, Canto a. 

Read, meditate, and digeft, my dear Neigh • 
bours of St, Jameses. 

Tours J 

Mary Midnight. 



To Mrs. Mary Midnight. 

Madam, 

IT is very odd I think that you can't let People 
alone to mind their Bufinefs in their own Way. 
What have the Tradefmen done to you, you old 
Gypfy you, that they muft be lugg'd in Head and 
Shoulders, like a Vat of Dowlas among your Max- 
ims in the Index to Mankind as you call it ; you 
are an impudent Jade, and deferve to be punifh'd 
For your fcandalous Behaviour to your Betters in 
this Manner, and when I am Lord -Mayor, which 
[ hope I fhall be before it be long, I will pack all 
Tucb old Strumpets out of Tcrwn ; know that, 
HufTey, and correft and alter your Manners for the 
future, or you ihall feel the Weight of my Re- 

P 2 fent- 



i8o T)&^ M I D W I F E. 

fcntment, ye old cock-ey'd Jezebel, you fllalf fo ? 
and this is all the needful from 

T$urs, 

B* Ballance-beam. 

To my Readers, 

Gentle Gentlemen^ 

I Am now going to ballance Accounts whh the 
great Mr. Benjamin Ballana^eamj of Chtap' 
fidey in the City of London j Mlddlefix^ and I hope 
you will all bear Witnefs^ that I give him a Re- 
ceipt in full. The faid Benjamin Ballance^beam . 
chargeth me with being impudent, and for what ? 
Why truly, for introducing into my Index of Marc 
hind the followingyfA'/^;72J', ox Maxims^ orPoJiulatas^ 
'J\»rms unknown to him in Point of Signification, 
but yet fuch as he has taken into his Head to be 
angry with. 

Thefe are the Words complained of, 

A Tradefrtian's Principle is too often his Intereft, 
and bis Intereft his Principle, 

He that keeps his Accounts will keep his Fa- 
mily, but he that keeps no Account, may be kept 
by the Parifh, 

A Knave may get more than an honeft Man for 
a Day, but the honeft Man will get moft by the 
Year. 

A Defence of and Commentary on thefe Maxims ^ 
the Reader may expert in a future Number. 



yi* M 1 D W I F E. t8i 

* — __ 

The Midwife's Politicks : Or, Gojftp's Chro^ 
nicle of the Affair i of Europe. 

Portugal and Spain. 

THE Portugaefe Dominions enjoy all the Bleflings 
of that profoand Tranquility, which aogmented 
their Commerce, and iocreafed their Opulence, durir.g 
the late War; while their Neighbours of Spain were 
harried by a Spirit ofQuixotifm to dig themfelves a 
fatal Grave in the Bowels of Italy. 

While the BritKh Ambaflador at Madrid, is employing 
all the Strain of Oratory, which he has fo frequently, and 
fo ineffe^ually aflfertedy to mollify the Haughtinefs of the 
turbulent Spaniards y the Minillry of Madrid, not orly 
refufe to hearken to any humble Supplications for a 
free Navigation in America ; but have lately ordered 
Don Francis Buccarelli y Urfua, the Commandant cf 
the Spanifh Troops poiled in the Di(lri6l of Gibraltar,. 
to fee that the tenth Article of the Treaty of Utrecht be 
punflually obferved. By that Article Gibraltar was 
ceded to the Crown of Great Britain, without any tern* 
torial Jurifdidion, nor any open Communication by 
Landy in order to prevent the Abufes and Frauds tb<t 
might be committed under Colour of Trafficking. But 
as it was agreed by the faid Article that it (hould Le 
lawful to purchafe with ready Money, in the Spaniih 
Territory adjacent, Provifiods and other NecefTaries for 
the Ufe of the Garrifon, the Inhabitants and the VelTels 
lying in the Bay ; this Commandant is likewife charged 
to take particular Care that this Stipulation be literally 
obferved ; and not to fuffer, upon any Pretext what- 
ioever^ the bartering^ of any Merchandize for thofe Pro. 

y J vifions. 



i82 ne M I D W I F E. 

vifions fi it being the Intention of his Catholic Majefly, 
that the Delinquents, befides the Penalty of Codifcation^ 
' ihall be profeduted with the utmoft Rigour of the Law. 
^ However, this Reftridion is not fo bad for the 
Englifii as a Siege ; though, under this political Dirguife» 
the Spaniards can greatly diftrefs the Garrifon, by al- 
lowing them to tradci only for a very fmall Quantity of 
Provifions, which they have frequently done, and 
obliged the poor Englifh to feek for u Supply from the 

Coafts of Barbary. Surely the Britifh Natioiwis ta 

be no longer liable to the Infults of Spain ! My old 
Blood glows with Refentment when I recoiled their 
former Depredations ; and I, Mary Midmght^ take 
upon me to affure the old Lady at St. lldefonfo, that the 
Subjeds of her late Uufband, have ho exclufive Right 
to the Navigation of the American Seas. Was not it 
this important Matter- that raifed the Voice of every 
old Woman in England, both in and out of Miniflerial 
Employment, to arm againft the infolent Spaniard? 
It was ; but what have we done ? To oar Shame 

Nothing ? The Spaniards ftjli give Interruption to 

our Trade; •while foreign Politicians cannot refrain 
from fneering at our tedious Negociations at Madrid, 
and feem to wonder how Britons can be fo patient, 
while a mutinous Spirit in the Spani(h Weft Indies, and 
the enterprifjng Humour of the States ofBirbary, put 
it in our Power to bring tha^ Court to reafoi ableTernns : 
but, for this falatary Purpofe, we moft rccai Don Ben- 
jamin frdm his pacific Ov enures ; at\d fend the, brave 
honed Admiral Vernon to re-dcmoiifh thetr Porto 
Bello. 



The M I I> W I F E, t^j 

Italy* 

The Barbaiy CoHkinr renew tbeip pintical Sxcurfiom 
on the Italian Power9y who, rookd by cheSaferifigt 
of the Merchants, are, in proportiomKe Contingents t» 
form a naval Force efFeAaaM^ to foppreffr thefe bai^ 
baroos Invaders ; thefe Confcdierates are faid to be the 
Pope, the King of the two Sitiftes, with the Republics 
of Venice and Genoa ; who are in Expectation that 
SfNiin and Portagal wilf accede to the Leagae, and for- 
ni(h powerful Contingentr, becanfe theie two- Nations 
art equalfy concerned in the DeftrafHon of thofePiratev. 
■' The Bankers in moft of the principal Cities itt 
Italy have had confiderable Failures, efpeciaHy at Terin 
and Bologna, which has sffe&td (everal other Citiofi, 
and together with the great and fudden Fall in the Price 
of Silk, occaiions frequent Bankrupcies at Naples, Leg* 
horn, Florence, Genoa, Modena, Bergamo, and Novi. 
- ■ However ; the poor Genoefe arc in the moft 
cafamicoas Condition ; becaafe they have difgufl^d the 
French at CorAca, who Are evacuating the Id and, having 
reftored the Town of St. Fiorenza to the Malecontents. 
Bat I apprehend this to be a Sort of a Stratagem, to 
make the Gcnocfc relinquifh their Right to that trouble- 
fome Ifland, and introduce the unprovided infant Don 
Lewis of Spain to the Throne of Coriica. 

France. 

The French continue to fill their Magazines in Al- 
fkcc, where they intend to form a Camp of 40,000 
Men : But for what Purpofe ? Ha I Old as I am, my 
Eyes, or my Head, are -yet good enough to difcovep 
Chat the Intentions of France can only be to awe the 

£le^ioii 



i84 7be MIDWIFE. 

EledUon of a King of the Romans* as they did of an 
Emperor in 1742. As Cardinal Tencin has qoitted the 
Miniftryy )and retired to his Archbiihoprick of Lyons, I 
woald advife him to confider that he is an Ecclefiaftick^ 
and fhould confequently be a Promoter of Peace, which, 
he Was the Caafe of banifhing from the Plains of Europe 
for eight Years together: let him think how many 
thoufands of Lives he has wantonly iacriiicedy and furely 
he muil expedt that the Manes of Bernclaa, the Prince . 
of Pruffia, Clayton, Belleiile, Grammont, Ponfonby^ 
and the rebel Lords of Scotland, will perpetually diftnrb 
his Quiet, if his Crimes are not properly expiated by a 
due and feafonable Contrition ; let him remember that 
Saxe is gone to find out Fleury the Lord knows where j 
that Lowendahl may foon go in Queft of the coadjutor 
Tencin, but the Lord knows when. His moft Chriflian 
Majefty has nominated M. de Rouille, late Secretary for. 
the Department of the Marine, to be Secretary of State 
with the Count de St. Florentin : M. Rouille is become 
the Darling of the Court and People, for his great 
Vigilance and Indudry in reftoring their Marine, which, 
is now almoft in as good a Condition as it was before 
the great Sea-fight off La Hogue, in the Year 1692, 

A forry Truth for Old England ! The French Clergy 

begin to lower their Creils, and fubmit to their dictatorial 
Power, with regard to their Payment of the twentieth. 
Penny, and the Declaration of their eccleiiaftical Re- 
venues Though the French have reported that M. 

Bompdrt» Governour of Martinico, had caufed the lilaods 
of Tobago, St. Locia, and Dominico, to be evacuated ; £ 
have received private Intelligence to the contrary ; though 
1 ihould be glad to find it true^ becaoie then the French 

would 



nt MIDWIFE. 185 

woald ^ve as one Proof of their Sincerigr among thofe 
daily exhibited of their Politene^. 

G ER K& A NY. 

It' has at laft appeared that the Eledor of Cologne 
deferted tiie narttinie Powers for the Sake of obcaioing. 
a Debt of 160,000 Crowns from France; To that now 
I tell call btm> an Old Mifer^ inaead.of an Old Woma»» 
— The Empire is ftill in the fame uncertain Conditioft ; 
about the Eledlion of a King of the Romans : bat the 
EmifTaries of France give Reaibn to imagine, that their 
Coart hatf a- greater Share,, than it would have the 
World believe, in the Oppofition made to fuch an E- 
ledfon, by a* FadUon having at its Htiad an Ele^Qc 
pleading for the pretended Rights of ths Princof, ag^nft 
the indifptitable Rights which the eledtoral College has 
enjoyed ever fince the Extinftion of the Empcrora of the : 
Race of the Carlivingiemc, and which has been con- . 
finned by the whole Body of the Empire, in its Ap- 
probation, and accepting of the Golden Bull. How- 
ever, let France take what Pains (he will, it is to ber 
hoped that there is dill a Majority in the Eledlpral 
College to maintain and defend the Rights of that 
Conftitution. 

Db n m ark. 

Mr. Titley, the 6^ki(h Minifter at Copenhagen, i^i 
reported to have made ibme Propofitioos for a Marriage ' 
between his Royal Highnefs George Prince of Wales^ 
and the Princefs Wilhelmina Carolina, (econd Daughter 
of their Danifh Majefties, bom loch of Jane tj^j i bat. 
I entirely difapprove of fuch nuptial Contracts, becaufiev 
not to mention they are fii>(l Coufias» I think Princes are^ 

born 



i86 ri&^ M I D W I F E. 

born to (hare an equal Felicity with other Men ; and 
we had an Inftance of the bad Effeds of fuch Engage- 
ments, in that between his prefent Majel^y of France* 
and the ^oung Infant of Spain ; befides, I fhould not like 
to fee our darling hopeful Prince, efpoufe a Lady, 
born on the loth of June; for the Jacobites may then 
have a feafonable Opportunity of commemorating the 
Aimiverfary of the Pretender, even under a Cloak of ^ 
Loyalty. 

Sweden. 

While the Swedes feemed to be happy in the peaceable 
Declarations of RufTia, they have fufFer'd a great Oe* 
vaftation in their Capital City, by a Fire which broke 
out on the 19th of June, in the Church of St. Claire, 
in the Norder Malm, and burnt with (o much Violence* 
that this fine Building was foon reduced to AChes, to- . 
gether with feveral Houfes adjoining, befides, the Wind 
being very high, the Flames communicated to fome • 
Houfes at a Diftance, which were likewife confumed. 
About an Hour after, the fame Day, another Fire broke . 
out in the Suder-Malm, which did a great deal of . 
Damage ; and, about Nine o'Clock in the Evening, a 
Brewer's Honfe took Fire, and was burnt to the Ground ; 
as were feveral adjacent Houfes. The King being in. 
formed of thefe Fires, came to Stockholm from Ul- 
skhdahl, and went in Perfon to the Places where there 
was the greateft Danger. His Majefty gave fuch 
Orders for flopping the Progreis of the Flames, tliat the 
Fire was extipguiihed the next Day ; after which hit 
Majefty returned to Uhrichdahl. The aift, a frefii Fire 
broke out in the Market in the Suburb of Ladugarfland, . 
and the Day following another in the fame Diftriai near . 

the 



fitf M I D W I F E. 187 

the Packer Market. The Number of Houfes conTumed 
amounts to near 1 000 ; among which are the fine Houfe 
of the Senator Count Thuro-Bielcke, another magnificent 
Edifice belonging to Baron Palftierna, the fuperb Church 
of St. Clara, the Hotel of the late Prefident Rolam. and 
many other confiderable Edifices both in the North and 
South Quarters. The Ships and Gallies, as alfo the 
Arfenals and the Granaries which lie In thofe Quarters, 
were in great Danger, but happily received no Damage, 
the King's Diredlions, for preventing the Flames fpreading 
towards them, having been extremely well executed. 
-— It is pretended that combuftible Materials have 
been found in divers Parts of the Town, and fome 
fufpicious Perfons have been taken up : A Reward of 
2000 Ducats is alfo offered to fuch as may difcover any 
of the Incendiaries, with a hee Pardon to any one that 
ihall impeach his Accomplices; who, I dare fay, were 
no other Sort of Old Women than fuch as are ufually 
difcover'd under jefuitical Habits. 

Russia. 
The moft pacific Intentions are apparently prevalent 
among the Northern Powers ; but Peace has more 
refplendently (hewn her Countenance at the Court of 
Peteriburgh, where a Declaration, concerning the Affairs 
of Sweden, has been delivered to the Maritime, and 
other allied Powers, wherein the Ciurina declares hcft 
perfedi SatisfaAion in regard to the Condu^ of hit 
SwediQi Majefty, fince his Acceflion to the Throne. — 
As a Pnoof of the Indability of human Happinefs, the 
Czarina, while the Gates of Janus are clofed in her 
Capital, fees her poor Subjects of the Ukraine, invaded 
and plundered by a lawlefs Body of the Crim Tartars, 
who lately made an Invafion, and rifled feveral Vil- 
lages i but were met and engaged, and difperfed by a 

Dc- 



i88 the M I D W I F E. 

Detichttient of Coffacks in the Neighbourhood of Precop. 

Persia. 

This Country is in a more deplor|d)le Condition than 
ever, having at prefent no lefs than fire Compedtors for 
the Throne. The ancient Lores, or Badtrians, who 
plundered Spahan, have made a great Progrefs in their 
Conqueds; and the young Man they have nominated 
for King, being 6f the old Race, induced the People 
of Shyrafs to deliver their City into his' Hands without 
Refinance; notwithllanding which, the People were 
carried into Slavery. It was imagined Jaroom, Doroob, 
and IrelTauy would have made a bold and refolute 
Stand; but they all fiibmitted themfelves to Slavery; 
the Lores making no Di(Un£lion between Force or 
voluntary Submlfiion. As the ill Treatment the Englifh 
Gentlemen met with at Spahan, left them no Ex- 
peflation for Favour or'Mercy, both they and the Dutch 
came to a firm' Refolution to leave Gombroon, and it is 
not doubted but they have put it into Execution ; fo that 
the grand Scheme of plundering the two European 
Fadories, where they imagined half the Wealth of 
Perfia was contained, will prove abortive. 

Turkey. 
The Octoman Miniftry feem to pofipone every military 
Preparation on the Borders of Europe ; and it is fur* 
'prifing that they have, at this Time, fuch a regard to 
their fiducial Engagements, as to negle6^ making an 
Incurfion into the Heart of Perfia, while that diXbafted 
Country is too much incapacitated by its intdlfne Com^ 
motions, from making any Refinance. 

'Poland. 
A fTu ranees have been received from Warfaw, that the 
elded Son of the Preterider to the Britifh Throne, hai 
been lately married vtry privately to the Prlficcfs Had- 
2lvi], reputed the moft opulent Heirefs in Poland. 



[ ^93 J 



The MIDWIFE. 



NUMBER V. 



VOL. 11. 



yf Letter to Mrs. Mary Midnight from the 
Guildford Mller^ intr eating her to be ground 
forthwith j together with fome frefh Cafes. 

Mofl incomparable Mad AM f 

IT has been dogmatically laid down, and crc- 
duloufly received, ^ a Maxim, that no Per- 
fon can give any thing, of which he himfelf 
is not poffeft. — In fome Inftances indeed thi^ is 
true, but by no means fo with regard to the 
Poet and Hiftorian ; for they can beftow Im- 
mortality, though they arc but frail Flefli and 
Blood ; and the Works of fome pcrifhable Hands 
are calculated to furvive the Univerfe. — In this 
Light, Madam, I confider both you, and your 
Works — and the Bufmefs of this Epiftle is not 
V.OL. II. Q. fo 



r94 7^&^ MIDWIFE. 

fo much out of a lucrative View of bringing more 
G rifts to my Mill, as to do an eminent Piece of 
Service to the whole World, If you are difpofed 
to be ground^ or (to ufe your vPiibliiher's Lan- 
guage) you intend to have a new Edition of your 
felf, 1 declare in the firft Place, that it (hall not 
coft you a Penny — the Popularity which I (ball 
acquire by reftortng fuch an amiable and ufeful 
old Lady to Youth, will be more than an ade- 
quate Recompence for my Trouble. — I aflure you. 
Madam, there b no fort of Pain attending the 
Operation, but you grow back again (if I may be 
allow'd the Expreilion) in the iame gradual im- 
perceptible Manner, only in a much lefler Time, 
as you grow old. But as you may be curious to 
know the Nature and Mechahifm of this Mill, I 
have fent you a Tranfcript of an Account taken 
by a Fellow of the Royal Society. 

A Mathematical Defcription of the GuUd- 

ford Mitt. 

By Nehemiah Nicknack, F. R. S, 

The perpendicular Altitude of this Mill is about 
thirty Feet, and the horizontal Aperturs^ or X>/Ar- 
'tation of the Hopper^ is about ten. There are 
nine principal or cardinal Wheels, fo judgematic 
caUy contrivedy that in them all the Squares of the 
periodical Times are equal to the Cubes of the 
Diflances. The Sails (for it is a Wind-Mill) nft 
ieven^ numerically confider'd, but proportiwally 

they 



rbt NT ID WIFE. 195 

tbey are in m reciprocal fubdupiicate Ratio of tbe 
. Diametirs of the Wheels. 

l^he Trough, which is the Receptacle of the 
I%r(bns ground, is z Paraileilogramj iht Diagonal 
of which 13 about, two Yards and an half. Be- 
tween the Trough and the Hopper are twelve 
Tubes feal'd tHrmetically^ of different Sizes, for 
the Squares of. their Diameters rife in an Arith- 
> metical PragrfJJioM. Diametrically oppofite to the 
Tubes are four Ropes fufpended /unicularly^ at 
. the Extnmities of .which are four Levers of the 
third Kind, namtly, fuch. as have the Poui^r be- 
tween the Fulchrum and the Weight. Befides 
which, there are Abundance of inclined Planes^ 
Jf^es in Peritrochio, Poly{p2iRs, Cylinders, together 
with the TVo^hlea^ Guneutj and Cochlea^ and fn 
fliort all the mechanUal and malbenwtiuil Powers, 

Such is the Defcription of my Mill, which is fo 
Ifcdmirablfe for it's B£RfiPicuiTY» that a Child fix 
Years old may underftand it j fo I fhall not ar\y 
further explain it, for that would be to give a 
Defcriptipn of a Defcription, in the Mani^er of 
modern Commentators. I fhall therefore, add -a 
Cafe or two,, and for the prcjlent tal^ei my Lea.Ye 
of you. 



J 



the Cafe of the Honoi^r^le Mr5. Pifji^ip 

PJUG BRIBE. 

: Whereas I the : Hfopurahk J^rs. Philip Hu^^ 
hr.ib$ was lately fo fuperannuated, that T flob^ 

Q. 2 ber'd 



196 !n&/ M I D W I F E. 

ber'd in Company, and could by no Means give 
a rational Anfwer to any Queftion propofed; 
and whereas I drivelled to fucb a Degree, ^tbat 
I miftook Negatives for Affirmatives, and Affir- 
matives for Negatives, and in a certain Place of 
publick Bufinefs faid aye, when I fbould have fard 
no I which had like to have carried a Pofnt for 
the Good of my Country, contrary both to my 
Inftrudions and Inclination ; this is to afTure the 
World, that by being ground in the Guildford 
Mill, I am perfeSly cured, and I am as wife and 
as upright as heretofore* 

Signed 

Witnefi Mrs. Philip Hug-hibe. 

The Right Hon. Mrs. Charles Courtly. 
The Right Hon. Mrs. Peter Penfion. 

The Cafe i?f the Right Honourable Mrs. 

Simon Sharper. 

Whereas I the Right Honourable Mrt. Simon 
Sharper was fome Time fince fo very old and 
Infirm, that I could not play at Hazard without 
Spectacles, and fo very paralytic, that I was ob- 
liged to quit both Billiards and Tennis ; this is to 
certify all old Women of Quality, that l^ being 
ground in the Guildford Mill, I am reinftated in 
my former Health and Youth, and will be bold 
to fay, that I can now cheat at Cards, or cog the 

Dice 



. > • 



.Ti&r M I B W I F E. 197 

Dice, as well as any Pedbn of Honour in the 
three King4oms. 

Signed, ; . . 
Witne&» Mr$,-Siw9CHi Sharper, i 

The Right Hon. Mrs. But. BnrgwelL • • * 
The Right Hon, Mrs. Roger Rout, 

I amy detur AHuhm^ • . ./ ; i 
Tour faithffd Servant^ 

ana Jtncere Admirer^ 

Guildford^ July 24, 1751. ... 

Waller Whartim. 



\ I I H I \ 



^he little Lighterman, or the HJjfmbltng^ Water- 
man, {which was fung at the Corner Qf 
Blow Bladder Street m the iQth of ]\mc 
la/ty to the Tune ef the Rolling Hompipd) 
Chirurgicalfy diJfeBed. 

PRAY did you never bear of a fad Dlfafler — 
'Twas but t'other Day ttiat he ran away from 
his Matter. 
Oh i6r littU little Lighterman^ and the dijfemblivg 

Waterman \ 
MeU/s a Girl that will dye^ ifjhe has mt a Kifs 
from the Lighterman* 

as 2. 



198 «tf M I D WI F E. 

With his black Shammy Pumps and his roUiiis 

Eye, SiTy 
He did kifi ev'ry Gif I that he did come nigh. Sir* 
Ob tie UttU^ Uttky &c. 

J- 

But when his Mafter be fbiud him he put him into 

Bodewell^ 
Molfy fhe Joved him fo well that ibe gave him a 
Pot of Porter- 
Oh tbi liuli^ &c. 

I am forry to inform my Readers that this BaHad is 
the reputed Bantling of a Gentleman of great £• 
minence and Diftin£tion, beeaufe I am fully per- 
fuaded that upon a candid and impartial Examina- 
tion, we ihall find it fraught with Principles de-^ 
firudive to the Community, derogatory from the 
Dignity of the Crown, tod repugnant to that In* 
•^grity and Honour which every Briun ought to 
bear in his Breaft. 

Allegories haye been always fufpeded of evil 
Tendency, and dtfcouraged by the wife Legiflators^ 
•f every Nation. Plato, who had as much 
Prudence,. Wifdom- and Learning as any Man a- 
mong us,, baniih'd Homer out of his Common^ 
Wealth for this very Confideration ; Solon ex- 
pelled Chilosa for the fame Reafon, and MoR- 
XOLO was exiled by Lycurgus for cntituling. 

hift 



The MIDWIFE. 199 

his Poem XfafA&fao^ (i. e. the Cabbage Eater) 
m which that great Lawgiver thought himfelf af- 
fronted, as his Father had for fome Years before his 
Advancement pra£tifed the Art of a Taylor, 

That Homer's ///W was a Satire upon the fe* 
veral States and Princes kA Greece I make no doubt^ 
and was it at all to my Purpofe I could prove it ; 
for thofe high Encomiums with which that Poem 
is interlarded, could never be afcribed but by way 
of fneer or farcafm to Princes, who, for ten Years 
together, had beat their Subje£b Brains out againft 
the Stone Walls of ////««, and that for a Woman 
who had not half the Beauty, Modefty, or Virtue 
that I have. No— one might as well fuppofe that 
Mr. **♦, or any of our modern Poets, wou'd 
write a ferious Epic Poem on King Richard's fran- 
tic Expedition to IXamafeu^ 

The Author of the above Song had doubtlefs 
fiudied Horner^ for, together with his Art of /«- 
sretly difpenjing invidious Satire^ he has tranflated 
feme of his poetical Flights, and retained in a 
great Meafure the Strudure of his Verfification. 
But let us leave the Poets to themfekes, as a Pack 
of poor paultry People unworthy our Confidera- 
tion, and examine this wicked Piece of Work to 
thQ Bottom, in order to difcover the fecret De- 
igns and Villanies of its audacious Author, and en- 
deavour as much as pofHble to convidi and bring 
him to condign Punifhment for his attrocious* 

Crimesc*. 

Prag, 



■aoo 3i< MIDWtFB.: 

fray did you rnver htar $f ajad Difitfter. 

No Man that is pofieft of a Gniih of common 
Senfe, can doubt but that the Author by ^s fad 
Dif after mcany the Prctwidcr's landing in Scrtbmd^ 
and efpccially when he comes to weigh and confi- 
dcr the Purport of the following Liiiei 

*Twas but the »therDtiy he ran away from hUMafler. 

Not only the French King but the whole Court 
of France pretended fuch Ignoi^nce at the Time be 
left that Kingdom-, of his I>efttnation and £nte#- 
prize, that the following Advertifement was (Hoisted 
in fome of their Papers. * 

Stolen or Strayed, 

A living Creature five Foot, eight Inches bigb^ 
that talks rationally and walks ere£f ; wheever Jhedl 
bring him to (I foiget the Name of the Place) Jhall 
receive 30,000/. Reward. 

T^is not only ftrengthens and corroborates what 
I advanced before, but evidently proves that the 
Author in this Song makes the French King his 
Mailer or Employer, for ftolen or ftray'd iignifies 
being forced away, feduced away, led away^ or 
going or runping away, voluntarily and wilfully, or 
by Accident and without Deiign ; and the Crime 
. in this Cafe muft ^depend on Volition^ as Mr. Lock 
very juflly obferves; for. a Servant who lofes his 
Way in a Wood by Accident and againft bis WiJi» 

is 



ne MIDWIFE- 201 

IS not culpable Or anfwerable to his Mafter for the 
Time that has been fo mifemploy'd or loft.— — • 
But leaving this to the Cafuifts, let us return to 
our Poet. — ^The next Line ftill ftrengthcns my 
Argument. 

Oh the little little Lighterman^ and the diJfembUng 
Waterman. 

Here he calls his Hero the h'ttle Lighterman, which 
Name or Appellation is drawn from that Circum- 
ftance of his running away, for Lighterman is only 
a Corruption of the Phrafe Lighter-Man^ i. e. a 
Man that is lighter, or fwifter on foot^ and can run 
fafter. 

By the diflembling Waterman, the Author un- 
doBbtedly means thtDutchf for you muft remember, 
gentle Reader, that thofe high and 'mighty People 
did not come up to their Contra^ with us at that 
Time, to fay no worfe of it 5 which I think will 
account for the Epithet or adjeflive dijfembling^ 
and when to the adje£iive difTembling we join the 
(libftantive Waterman^ you will plainly fee the 
Force of the Argument ; for, as the Dutch are 
bred among the Fens and the Frogs, and are am- 
phibious Creatures that live fometimes on Land and 
fometimes in the Water, which cannot be faid of 
any other People in the World, the Term Water-- 
man muft appertain unto them and them only, for 
Waterman is a Corruption of Water-Man^ i. e. a 
Man that can live in the Water. But if you ex- 
clude this Argument (which is as felf evident as any 

Axiom 



Tation ot Uie Magiltracy as much as any f ai 
Molly's a Girl that mU die if fit hai no 
' from the Ligbteman. 

- Thii was wrote to warm and animate thi 
■ of our Britifi Amazona in behair of (he yoi 
r tender, and I believe in my Confcieace 
Caufe of the mad and unaccountable Hea 
were drank, the party colour'd Ribban 
.wore, and the Dancings, Clubs, Songs am 
Jitigs of that Time ; which I fuppofe will fc 
on with Wonder and Amazement, when i 
. Grand-Child is a Grand-Mother. But 
.ceed— ^ 

J^Hth his black fiammy Pumps ^ and lit 

£ye. Sir, 
He did iifs every Girl that he did tome nigh. 

ThiaVerfe alludes to a private Ball k 



m M I D W I F E. > 2Qy 

wbieb Circumftance this wicked Poet has :imT , 
proved to the Pxetendcr's Advantage, with. a pal*, 
pable Defign of promoting his Caufe, by render- ; 
ing his Perfon and Behaviour the n}ore agreeable 
to our Englijh Ladies. — We come now to the ' 
third and laft Verfe of this Virulent and Treafon- 
able Performance, in which the Poifon is fo art-* 
fully and deeply concealM, that 'twill coft us fomC: 
Pains to difcover and expel it : 

But when his Mafter he found him he put him inttt 

Bridewell ; 
Molly Jhe loved him fo well^ Jhe gave him a Pot 

of Porter. 

That the young Adventurer, upon his Return to 
France^ was feized by Order of the French King, is 
a Circumftance too well known to be longer infifted 
on ; and that during this Confinement, Application 
was made for his Enlargement by Motiy^ which 
all Decypherers allow means Molly Briuiina^ or 
mr Britijh Ladies^ is altogether as notorious, who 
are here faid to have given YAm tl Pot of Porter^ 
that is, procured him a free Pajfage ; for Porter, 
in this Place, means no more than the Perfon who 
has the Care of the Portal of the Goal ; and confe- 
quently the Phrafe, gave him a Pot of Porter j 
fignifies paid the Porter^ or gave him his free Li- 
berty : And in this Senfe it is taken by Grono- 
viousV Camblitaro, and Elmillius. 

And here I muft beg Leave to obferve, that 
Molly ^ or Molly Britannia^ is indifferently ufed by 

our 



204 51&^ MIDWIFE. 

our Author, either for the Daughters of Britanma^ 
or a Moiety of the Engltjh Ladies ; and of Con- 
fequence this Line, 

Molly V a Girl that will die i/Jbe has not a Kifs 
from the Lighterman^ 

was not only wrote for the Purpofe I have already 
mentioned, but alfo to infinuate, that the Daugh- 
ters of Britannia are in a languifhing State for the 
Lofs of this Lighterman. This is, I muft own, too 
grofs to be mentioned but in polite Company, and 
too bad to be farther explained in any ; but it 
plainly ihews what this wicked Author would be 
at, and fufficiently indicates the NecefSty of pla- 
cing him in a State of Durance^ — But I have 
done— no, I have not done — Creatures of this 
Complexion, Monfters of this Magnitude, Ser- 
pents of fuch Subtility, can never be enough cx- 
pofed. 

T\i\%y anus-headed k\xx}[iox (for I hate a Man that 
has a double Face) has fo artfully contrived this 
Piece, that if it be fung on any other Day of the 
Year except the loth of Jme^ and to the Tune of 
Jack in the Green^ or any other Tune but the Roll- 
ing Hornpipe^ the Words will have a quite different 
Signification ; but the Virulence remains, *tis only 
Poifon differently prepared, in order to anfwer 
different wicked Purpofes; and this laft is a1Cir- 
cumftance that could not have been difcover'd, but 
by my extraordinary Knowledge in the Art of 
Decypheration. 

M. Midnight. 



ne MIDWIFE. to5 



On ikf Proi^ice of Gamitig among Ladies 

of ^ality. 

WOman was intended by the great Creator, 
as the moft amiable of terreftrial Beings ; 
with Beauty little inferior to that of Angels ; with 
Senfation equal to the brighteft Son of Reafon , 
and invefted with the Robe of Modefty to give an 
a4dicional Lufire to ail her A£tions. Without the 
Pofleffion of this delegable Aflbciate, Man had 
roved QonfortleTs even through the perennial 
Grovesof Paradife $ without the Solace and plea-' 
fiiig EAdearmeots of Wcunan, he had been no 
more than a rational Brute, unconfcious of Love, 
infenfible of Joy : but for the Promotion of his 
Felicity, Woman was created ; for his Comfort, 
the divine Author of Nature formed Woman from 
the Loins of Man, and infufed into her Noftrils the 
Breadi of Life, principally to contribute to his 
H^ppinefs. 

Upon this Confideration it has been aflerted^ 
that if Providence intended Women only for the 
Service of Man, that the fame Providence ought to 
fecure her from Danger and Temptation ; becaufe, 

— if weak Women go aftray. 
Their Stars are more irt fault than they. 

But I think this one Infiance of the refin'd Im- 
piety of the modern Age ; for, unlefs we deny 

R Woman 



2o6 7h£ M I D W I F E. 

Woman the Faculty of Reafon, (be can nevci 
more peculiarly exempted from afiing accordin 
her own Judgment than Man is allowM to 
and this is one of thofc Privileges which no "^ 
man will eafily be brought to relinquifh. 

If the firft Woman deprived her Hufband of 
radife by her Indifcretion, her Defendants are 
more inculpable in other Refpefls, which I o 
prove by innumerable Examples from the Day 
Helen^ and Dalilah to thofe of Catherine de M 
as and Ifabella of Farnefe ; but as this would 
altogether immaterial to my prefent Defign, I j 
confine myfelf to the prevailing Folly and 'Vic 
the prefent Day, fo ardently purfued by the Br 
Ladies at Routs, Drums, Mafquerades and Afl 
blies;*all tending to the Abolition of connu 
Happinefs, the Mifery of every indulgent Hufbi 
and the Deftru£lion of whole Families. 

Gamingy as it is now encouraged, is produ^ 
of every Calamity that can involve Ladies 
thofe inextricable Snares , . which are perpetu 
ambuflicd for the Captivity of Virtue ; and v 
that is gone farewel Pleafure, farewel Joy ; C 
tent is fled. Tranquillity is baniflied. Whai 
unamiable Sight it is to be a Spectator at a Garni 
Table, furrounded by Ladies of Quality, in O 
pany with Profligates and Sharpers! where 
i)mile of Beauty is wafted upon an inanin 
Card, or diftorted into all the hideous Feature 
a Fury. When the Decifion of a Stake of fou 
five fJundred Guineas is dependant upon a fir 

C 



Wr M I D W I F E. 207 

Card, furcly it muft be attended with the utmoft 
Anxiety. If the, Event is fortunate, it is only tlie 
Parent of Extravagance \ but if unfuccefeful, the 
Mother of Neceffity. 

1 am acquainted in a very illuftrious Family^ 
where the Lady of the Houfe has loft more in 
Gaming in lefs than a Week, than would have 
maintained a Coach and fix for a Twelvemonth. 
As I had the Honour to attend thi§ Lady in my 
maternal Capacity, I frequently found her out of 
Uuo^our, and generally in a difconfolate Difpofi- 
tion ; though, perhaps, the fame Day, I have ittn, 
her paying a Vifit to ray Lady JVhiJi^away^ with 
all the Raptures of inexpreiSble Joy and Jollity. I 
thought this Variation of Temper very extraordi- 
nary, and began to entertain fome fhrewd Sufpt* 
cions tending to the Impeachment of her Virtue- 
but on reflecting that her Hufband had every ami* 
able Quality that could charm her Sex or dignify 
bis own, my Sufpicibns vani(hed ; and I was 
loon afterwards convinced of the Reality of this 
ftrange Viciflitude in the Temper of a Woman, 
who was univerfally allowed to be a Lady of ex- 
traordinary Senfe and Delicacy ; which indeed, 
though a Daughter of a very worthy Gentleman, 
was the only Fortune flie brought to her noble 
Confort, or, at leaft, was the only one he admitted 
to his Arms. As her Ladyfhip was pretty f:ir 
advanced in her Pregnancy, I paid her an eai ly 
y ifit in file Morning ; but, to my great Surprize, 
lyas informed by her Lord, that fhe was difcarded 

R 2 from 



2o8 Tibe M I D W I F E. 

from his Houfe, till her Vanity Was diminiflied, 
and her Prudence increafed. I was aftpnifhed at 
fuch ah Information ; but as I was feniible his 
Lordfhip had a particular Regard for me, I humbly 
entreated him to confider the Cohfequence of fuch 
a Refolution ; I reprefented to him the Malevo- 
lence of the World, both from his own Enemies, 
and thofe of her Ladylhip ; and defirM he would 
prevent the tver-flowing Tide of Cenfure and 
Scandal from approaching his Reddence. His 
Lordlfhip declared, that he valued- his own private 
Happinefs and Peade of Mind, more than all the 
Cenfures of an ill-natur'd World ; he allowed that 
he had banifhed a Woman from his Breaft, whom 
he had once fondly repofited there as a Iweet tender 
Dove J but as Ihe was now altered to a Viper, and 
infe<Sted the Heart ihe had once moulded to her 
Pleafure, he was of Opinion that he fliould ftand 
readily acquitted in the Eye of God, and in the 
Light of Reafon. *' For, Mrs. Midnighty Con- 
tinued he, Heaven alone knows the-Diftradion of 
my Mind." He paufcd here, and in fpite of his 
manly Pride, gave way to the fofter Power of Na- 
ture, though he attempted to conceal it, I per- 
ceived a large Drop of Anguifli tremble in his 
Eye, He defired me to fit down by him ; then 
told me, he knew his Lady bad a great Opinion of 
my Underftanding ; that he had a Regard for me ; 
and therefore fhould readily difclofe to me the Af- 
fliaion of his Heart ; hoping I would endeavour 
to alleviate his Sorrows, '* Mada^j^ continued 

he, 



The MIDWIFE- 209 

«< he, it is now more than three Years fince I en- 
" tered into the State of Matrimony. My For- 
" tune and Patrimony were too noble to lead my 
« Inclinations to Wealth ; I therefore fought only 
« to illuftrate my Line by intermarrying into a 
*< worthy tho' not opulent Family ; and I foon 
« fixed my AfFedions on an Objedt every Way 
" adequate to my Wiflies. She foon made me 
« the happy Father of a. beautiful Child ; I was 
<^ all Indulgence, fhe was all Love and Compla- 
** cency ; but, in fome unhappy Hour furely her 
" Reafon was extinguiflied, her domefiic Fide- 
" lity eradicated. I had little of her Company; 
" fhe came home generally difconcerted in Tem- 
'< perj and was either extremely angry to all 
" about her at Night, or very liberal to her Ser- 
*' vants in the Morning- Inftead of indulging me 
*< in her ufual Carefles, or (hewing her maternal 
** Fondnefs to her little Babe, {he endeavour'd to 
'* fliuh my Company, and feem*d offended at the 
** fweet Innocence of her Child. This continued 
** for fome Time, before I difcover'd that all her 
*' Uneafinefs proceeded from a Fondnefs to Gaming; 
** I found fhe had fquandered away more Money 
** than her Fortune would have amounted to had 
<* I receivM it 5 and I ftrongly remonftrated to her 
«« the Folly and Danger of her Continuance in 
*' fuch a Scene of Extravagance. But this was all 
** InefFeftual ; (he redoubled herPurfuit of Gaming; 
** augmented her former Lofs with feveral Thou- 
** fands i and though I laid before her the 7>airi' 

R 3 ''of 



210 ne M I D W I F E. 

*' of Poverty and Misfortunes confequential to 
^' fucb a Behaviour, {be ftill perfifted in her riotous 
** ExcefS) till the Ncccffity that furrounded mc, 
*< convinced me that I was to confult the Prefer- 
•* vation and Honour of my Family, rather than 
*' tamely fubmit to the Folly and Vanity of a dc- 
•* luded Woman. With this Refolution, I yefter- 
*< day informed her how greatly ihe had impove* 
** rifhed my Eftate, and infifted upon an AfTurance 
*' that (he would immediately confult the Honour 
** of our Family, and relinquifh all the Pleafures 
<< to be found in a Society of Gamefters. But fbe 
*' threw up her Head with an unaccuftom'd Shew 
•' of Infolence, affuring me that fbe was then en- 
•* gaged to fpend the Evening at Lady Swahh*s on 
*« a Party of Whift, and could not poiEbly forfeit 
«« her Honour. I endeavoured to difluade her 
•• from her Dcfign, exerting all the Force of En- 
•< treaty, with all the Declarations of Authority : 
«< but in vain ; (he was determined to go, thoug|i 
•* I vowed by every Thing folemn that if (he went, 
*< fbe fhould have no Admiffion on her Return. 
** And yet, Mrs. Midnight^ fo ftrongly is fhe ad- 
** dided to her Pleafures, that fhe difcharged her 
*< AiEgnation, nor did (he deign to return till 
•* Day-light waited upon her Home, where, by 
«< my Orders, fhe was refufed Admiffion, and I 
<* am unacquainted with what is come of her 
«« fmce." Juft as his Lordfhip had ended this me- 
lancholy Relation, we were alarm'd with the loud 

ring- 



The MIDWIFE. 211 

ringing at the Gate; when a Servant came up 
and acquainted his Lordfhip that his Lady's Mo- 
ther defired Admiilion ; which was immediately 
granted) and I retired : but I was foon informed 
diat the Mother acquainted his Lordfhip that her 
Daughter had been with her, and gave her an Ac-* 
count of what had happened ; that the Mother 
told her fhe fhould have no Encouragement in her 
Folly from her ; and had compelled her to return 
to his Lordfhip to acknowledge her Error, implore 
his Pardon, and fincerely promife a total Amend, 
jnent : which (he was now defirous of doing, and 
only waited below for his Lordfhip's Order to fall 
at his Knees, and give him the moft abfolute Af- 
furance of Obedience. Overjoy'd with this unex- 
pected Declaration, ])is Lordfhip fprang to the Arms 
of his penitential Lady with all the Raptures of 
an eager Lover. Since which happy Minute, their 
Lives have been one interrupted Scene of domeftic 
Pleafure and Tranquillity : The Lady, truly fen- 
fible of her Errors, flrives to make an ample At- 
topement, by all the winning Ways that Love and 
Prudence can invent ; while her happy Lord con- 
fines all his Defires to the Promotion of her Fe** 
licity. 

I wifh Heaven would fo turn the Thoughts of 
fcveral other Ladies of Diftinfiion, wbofe Love 
and Purfuit of Gaming muft be deflru£live to their 
Families, and perhaps the Means of facrlHcing 
their Virtue. Debts of Gaming, are called Debts 

of 



£12 rhe M I D W I F E. 

of Honour, and they mufl be fatisfied : a Gaming 
Hufband indeed may do it by mortgaging his Eftate, 
but a Wife, when her Pin-money is exhaufted, 
may be obliged to gratify an importunate Dun with 
fomething more valuable than Pelf. I would have 
Ladies to confider, that Gaming is not only de- 
ftru<Slive to the Eftate of their Hufbands, but is 
equally fo to their own Beauty ; which cannot 
continue long, under the Difadvantagcs of tbofe 
hollow Eye$, haggard Looks, and pale Com- 
plexions, perpetually attendant on the intemperate 
Hours of Female Gamefters \ and what a Race of 
Warriors, Patriots, and Sratefmen, is poor Bri- 
tain to expe£t I (hall bring into the World from 
the Wombs of fuch diflblute Mothers? 



A Dijfertation on the following moji excellent 
old Englifh Rules ^ videlicet. 



c 



Ome v/hen you are called. 
Do AS YOU ARE BID, and 
Shut the Door after you. 



Notwithftanding thefe Rules are fo obvious and 
intelligible, that any Ruftic may underftand them| 
yet the perpetual Breach of them makes it ncccf- 
fary for me to preach them into Praflicc at this 
Juncture. I fiiall confider them in their proper 

Order, 



The MIDWIFE. iij 

Order, and endeavour to fct thfem in a proper 
Light.— And firft. 

Come when you are caused. 

. I had a violent Hoarfnefs upon me for three 
Months with calling my TFoman^ who was fo wil- 
fully Deaf, that neither the jingling of theBeH, 
the ftamping of -my. Foot, nor my own Voice 
(which Heaven be praifed is pretty diftinguifliable) 
could ever make her approach, when I wanted 
6cr.— I have" recommended this Precept with the 
more Vehemence, becaufe I have always enforced 
ft by my Example, and if I had not punftually 
tame when / voas called in my m.aternal ?rofeflion^ 
falfthe Women of Quality in this Kingdom wou*d 
have dy^d before their Time. 
And now for the fecond Rule, 

Do AS YOU ARE BID.. 

This I look upon to be one of the moft capital 
Rules in the World, in this are included, and bf 
this are inculcated the Duty of a Child to his Pa^ 
rents, of a Soldier to his General, of a Subjeft to 
his Prince, with an Hundred and Fifty i^ cateras. 
I was credibly informed by the Ghoft of Sir Thomat 
'More^ which appeared to me a few Nights ago, 
that no Biflioprick, or indeed any Poft of Honours 
Dignity or Profit whatfoever, was difpofed of in 
the Kingdom of Utopia, without the PerfonS 
preferred previously giving Security to obferve this 

truly 



2H ^i>o MIDWIFE. 

truly. Golden Rule — and I defire all my Readers 
would ftriftly adhere to this InjundiioD of doing 
AS THEY ARE BID, when | Command them to 
buy up all the odd Numbers of my Magazine, and 
compleat their Sets immediately. 

And now I come to the inoft important Article 
ofall. , 

Shut the Door after you. 

About two Years before my Marriage with my 
dear Mr. Midnight^ I took the grand Tour of 
Europe^ I vifued all the lilands ia ^rcbipelago ^^ 
I went to Turiy and Grand Cairoy but never could 
find one ftngle Perfon in all my Travels that had 
Wit enough to obferVe this Rule. I had a Dog 
indeed whofe Name was Whijky (tho' he was but 
a ftupid Dog I promife you) tbatnevjer.fail'd (hut- 
ting the Door if hz cou'd \ but if it was fo fituated 
that he cou'd not manage it, be bark'd at it, in 
order to (hew his Indignation, and that he was 
convinc'd in his own Mind, th2^t' ic was very 
wrong the Door (hould remain open. As trifling 
an Afl'air as this m.^y feem to fome Criticafters, 
there has many a Life been loft by this ridiculous 
Piece of Negligence : Colds have been catch'd, 
Thieves and Murderers have had Admiffion into 
the Houfcs of honeft Men, Virgins have been de- 
flowered merely by a Contempt of this Rule : And 
if 1 had a Voice ten TJioufand Times louder than 
Suntory or even Thunder itfelf, I would get upon 

the 



rbe MIDWIFE* 215 

Ac Top of St. PauFs and bellow ouf, ■ 

Come when you arje call'd. 
Do AS YOU ARE Bib, and 
Shut the Door after you. 



A Propofal for expelling all Party^ Party 
People^ and Party Principles^ out of cur 
two Univerfities ; and all our Churches and 
Religious AJfemblies. By Mrs. Susannah 
Coxeter, In a Letter to Mrs. Midnight. 

Dear Mary, 

MR. ffilliams tells me, that your Magazine 
is read by all the great People^ and that 
you get a great deal of Money by it, which is a 
great Satisfadion to me and all your Friends in 
this Country. The Succefs you have met with, 
almoft encourages me to try my Skill at Writing, 
for Money is very fcarce here, and if one cou'd 
only make Eighty, or Ninety, or an Hundred 
Pounds a Year of it, 'twou'd be a great Help to 
one, now the Intereft of Money is fo fallen ; and 
Mr. TFilUams fays, you get more than that every 
Year by writing of Manufcript Sermons for your 
Acquaintance. If fo, you can recomniend one a 
little; and I know, dear -M7ry, if it is in your 
Power you will do it. My Son Tommy docs nof 

do fo well as I would have him 3 and I find tha^ 

the 



2i6 Jhe M I D W I F E. 

the Learning I have given him' is almoft thrown 
away. 

When he firft came from College, it was 
thought neceffary that he fhould be examin'd, 
which Tom was terribly afraid of, for he had been 
examined feveral Times by his School-mafter be- 
fore he went to the Verfity^ as we call it, and 
flog*d for not being perfeft ; and as he had im- 
proved himfelf there in little elfe but puffing his 
Pipe, he had great Reafon to apprehend himfelf in 
Danger. Wherefore I took him to myfelf, as the 
Saying b, for eight or ten Days, and retaught him 
his Latirij and Creek, and Englijh, together with 
as much of Logic, Rhetoric, Geography, JJiro* 
nomy, Mathematicks and Morality, as learned Men 
generally know, and more oi Divinity than they 
praSife, and carried him to the fage old Gentle- 
man to be initiated. When we firft came in (it 
makes me laugh to think on't) my old Gums chat- 
ter'd for Fear, and the Lad*s Hair flood fo an Knd, 
that his Head feem'd bigger than I had ever known 
it. The grave DoSor, however, did not appear fo 
formidable as I expeded. When I courtefy*d to 
the Ground, and told him my Buiinefs. Madam, 
fays he, you have in your Time been a very handjom 
Woman ; fit doutn Madam, and as to your Son 
there — why I Jhall examine him prefently — Here, 
bring a Bottle, and my long Pipe, and the Cujbion 
»-^and then fwabbing himfelf down in an eafy « 
. Chair — Tou muji know young Man^ fays he, our 

Neigh* 



The MIDWIFE. 417 

Neighbrnirho^d is divided into two Parties ; but 
yoUj I am told in this Letter j take the Part of tny 
Lord ♦*** and fe hcre*s my Service to you — yf/l 
bis Lerdjhip's Friends come well qualified \ he wat 
my Patron^ and a farther Examination would be 
unmcejfary : but as for the People of the other Side 
of the ^ejlion^ they are the metreji Dunces in Nee>» 
ture^ and plague me fometimes fbr Hours together^ 
So I got the Buflnefs done here, and he came front 
College, and I got him a Curacy of 20/. a Year, 
and had almoft got him a Living, but he hap. 
pen*d to vote of the wrong Side the Queftion at 
our EleAion, and To that deftroy'd all. And no# 
he's marry'd, Madam, (tho' I don*t blame himi 
for that, for a Man had better marry than dd 
worfe) and he has fix Children, and no more than 
20 /. a Year to maintain them. I wiih I could 
have foretold this fifteen Years ago, I am fure I 
would not have beftow'd Five Hundred Pounds on 
his Education, for with that Money, Mr. IViU 
Hams fays, I could have bought him an Annuity 
of 50 /. a Year for his Life, and he might have 
foUow'd other Bufinefs i and now he has only 
20 /. a Year, and is oblig'd to follow no other 
Bufinefs, and that 20/. is only for Life. And I 
don't fee that there is any Likelihood of his ad« 
vancing himfelf, unlefs he had confider'd better 
of it before he had given his Vote, hut Tommy 
fays, if iiL.was to do again he would do ir, for 
Clergymen ought not to vote againft their Con-^ 
fciences, as other People do, for the Sake of Mo- 



2i8 rhe MIDWIFE. 

ney; and that is true too, fo that I can't be angry 
with .him. I wifh, dear Mary^ you cou'd get him a 
Living in London ; I don't mean a Ledturefhip, noi 
Tommy once try'd for thgt, but your People are fo 
bold in London^ and think themfelves fuch Judges, 
that a Man is deny'd before he can afk the 
Queftion. Even the Cheefcmonger where my Son 
lodged, when he put up for that Place, told him, 
he {hould be for Voice and Aifiony Voice and Ac* 
iioHy and tofs'd up his Head like a young Squire 
at a Country AiSzes ; fo I had rather you would 
get him a Living, your good Word will go a great 
Way with the great People, and I am fure there is 
not an honefter Man in the World than my Son, 
if that is any Recommendation ; and you'jl hugely 
oblige me and him, and his Wife and fix fmsdl 
Children, fo do dear Mary remember us. 

/ am J 

Tour loving Friend^ 

S. COXETER. 

P. S. I think all Party, and Party People, and 
Party Principles, (hould be excommunicateid out of 
our Univerfities, and Churches, and Religious Af« 
femblies, and People only promoted for Piety, and 
Virtue, and Honefty ; and if Things were order'd 
fo, the People in our Country would go to Church 
oftener than they do, and come away better taught 
than they are: Don't you think they wou'd 
"Mrs. Midnight ? 



<rhe MIDWIFE. 219 

*^* / do highly ' approve of Mrs, Coxeter'i Pro- 
pofal for expelling all Party^ party People^ and 
party Principles out of our Univer/itiesj Churches^ 
and other Religious AJfemhlies ; and dejire that the 
Expurgation may commence before the Alteration of 
the Style, that with the new Period we may turn 
pver a new Leaf \ for while we have Parties in the 
Churchy there can be no Orthodox Religion ; and 
while there are Parties in the State j there can be 
nt true Patriot Policy, 

Mary Midnight. 



yt Siueftion to be debated by the Robin Hood 

, . Society at the Requeji of a very great Man^ 

and the Arguments pro and con to be fub- 

mil ted' to Mrs. Midnight. - 

The Q^u E s T I o N. 

TjT^Hether Hon EY ^r Mustard is the bejl to 
^^ oil a Man's Wig ? 

N. B. The Gendemen concern'd are defired to 
be particularly careful and circumfpeft in difcuf- 
fing this Point, for the whole Debates will be in- 
ferted in the next Number of my Magazine. 

Mary Midnight., 
S 2' Con* 



aao r*^ M I D W I P E. 



Continuation of the Jdventures of Mejfrs^ In- 
clination and Ability, 

TjErcuUi did not remain a Batchelor long'aftfr 
"* he went upon the Stage, for a beautiful 
young Lady fell in Love with him, who after 
feveral Years Cohabitation, made him the happy 
Father of the following Sons and Daughters, viz. 
Garrick y ^in y Ryan ^ Woodward ^ Cibber ^ 
Pritchardy dive j Berry ^ Bellamy y and fomc 
others. — Isgrim married alio, but in left 
than a Month his Wife obtain'd a Divorce, for 
Reafons that there requires no great Saggcity 
to guefs atr AbiIity havirrg acquirt^l & very 
Confiderable Fortune by- his truly admirable Per- 
formances, quitted the Stage, and (as. he was ex- 
treamly generous) gave poor Inclination a 
pretty Competency, with which he always fup- 
ports the Appearance of a Gentleinan. Not- 
withftanding the Goodnefs of his Brother, Isgrim 
was fo ungrateful, as to oppofe him upon all Oc- 
caiions \ the firft Inftance ef this unnatural Beha- 
viour, was at an £le£ltoo of a Profeflbribip in i 
ijertain, Uftiverfity, where Ifgrim was chofe, bc- 
caufe be did not mdtrfiand the Language he was 
to teach, and Hercules was rejected for being too 
Will qualif/d. After this Disappointment, Her^ 
€tfles was fomewhat fower'd in his J emper, and 
AsplicatioQ was made in his Behalf to the great 

M^cenas*% 



The M r D W I F E. 221 

Macenas's of the Age; who, without knowing 
and encouraging one Art, has been rcckon'd the 
Patron and Mafter of them all. He told Abi-^ 
LITY he was a very good fort of a Perfon, and 
that he fliould be glad of an Opportunity of fery-» 
ing him ; he foon found an Opportunity, and 
(what is more marvellous) embraced it. And 
flow, gentle Reader, what do you think he prb- 
pofed to do ? — Why by the Intereft of his Friend 
my Lord Danglecourty he got a Promife that Abi- 
lity, now in the Bloom of Youth, and the Hardi- 
nefs of Health, fond of Peace and ftilPdomeftic 
Life, fliould be admitted as a lame, old, difabled 
Soldier into the Chelfea Hofpital. ■ 

Enraged at this Ufage, and impoverifli'd by his 
boundlefs Generofity, Hercules determined to ac- 
commodate his Labours more- to the Tafte of the 
Times. He therefore betook himfelf to the Study 
of. ArchitecSure, and foon found fufficient Ap- 
plaufe, Profit and Encouragement in every Shape 
from the Extravagance and Vanity of the Times. 
Our modern great ones (to do them but Juftice)* 
are vaft Patrons of Matter and Mechanir«i, and 
while they defpife and opprefs Genius and Learn- 
ing ; the Toyman, the Gambler, and the Fidler, 
are always welcome to their Houfes : Ifgrim^ you 
may be fure, muft. commence Vitruvius^ in order 
to ape his Brother, and many and various were 
his Exploits in the exalted Science of Building. 
— He erected a Fabrick in the Fens, after the 
Model of a Palace in the hotteft Parts oiJfrice. — 

S 3 He 



*2^ ne MIDWrFE. 

He per&a4«d a^ NoUemaA to be at ttn Tkoubnd 
Pounds Expcnce to ievel an Hitt wMck kHeFCcptcdk 
the Proi^>eft of a Marib, and kepi off the define 
Me Breeser of the £aft-Wmd^ wid^ many Worlai 
equally iaudabk and judickms- 

^0 he cwtinttett.J 

EPIGRAM. 

BOLD Bavius, the Bard— -by bimfilfmuch 
rcnown'dy 
Came up to Jpoik^ and begM to be erown'd. 
And (he ery'd) Broiier Pbefbusy Tore George we 

ibaH quarrel^ 
Unlefi you provide me tfae befl of your Laurel. 
The Godlaught alovd, and he beckonM to A&musy 
Who was fmoaking his Pipe, and caroufing witb 

Comus : 
Th* old ff^ag cry*^d, dear Bavius^ from hence I 

muft drive ye, 
But firft pray accept of this Wreath of Grqukdi 
Ivy. 



jt Word or two for thofe whom // mof' 

Concent. 

•m /niS- Midnight is perfefily wett latisfied with. 
JLVJ. the Alteration that is to be made in the 
Stile ^ 'tis what ibe has long wi£h*d for, and en- 

deavout^d 



rb$ MIDWIFE. %ti 

ieavoiif 'd to pfo»ot» kt her Magaxinc, but ai> Vf 
lUcfa Ahemda» haf Rent becomes due eleve» Dajrs 
iboner than ufiial, and &e ia totalty unpcovidcd fef 
the Diftharge of it, fte ikfiiea tke koRouiaUe 
Gentlemen whe were the FkMfioters of that Sckemo 
would difcbarge it for hef , and thcjF ibali be tf«« 
paid out of the Profits of her next Magasiae,* m 
a Security for which, a Nb0o of he» Hand in the 
following Form wiU be %vfttu 

I promife to pay the **♦♦♦ or Bearer, three 
Hundred and feventy Pounds out of the Profits of 
my next Magazine. At my Bank in St. PauF^^ 
Church Tardy Aug. 12. 1751- 

Mahy Midnight. * 

* Or if it be nore agreeable,. \Att, MUaight will at- 
tend the Geatkmao^s Lady in her maternal Capacity^ 
after the Rate of one Guinea each Time *tiU the whole* 
Money is repaid. 

N, B, At Mrs. Midnight^ Bank abovemeotionMy. 
Annuities are granted on> Livef^ and Ships infured (but 
no Men of War anlefs (he knows the Commanders) for 
the Paynoenc of which her whole Magaaine is made 
liable. 



An Attempt to prove that the Fair Sex have 
every SluaUfication necejfary for Learning. 

THE Male Sex have perpetually plumed them* 
felves in the vain and ambitious Opinion of be* 
S9g as much fupecior to Women>. in their rational 

Facut 



214 ^^ MIDWIFE. 

Faculties, as they are in the natural ones of Strength 
and A^vity ; and this has been moft tenaciouily 
exerted by all Ranks and Conditions of Mens 
from the Nobleman lolling in his gilded Chariots 
to the plain Ruftic labouring at the Plough, If a 
Lady of Quality pretends to the leaft Appearance 
' of Wifdom ; if fhe is allowed to be a Woman of 
extraordinary Senfe j and ventures to declare her 
Opinion upon any important Matter in which the 
national Intereft is moil materially concerned ; 
truly her fenatorial Confort replies. Madam, thefe 
are Affairs above the Reach of a Female Capacity, 
we Men are only defign'd by Nature for Politi- 
cians, and the moft a Woman can pretend to is 
Virtue and Difcretion. The Merchant will never 
permit his Lady to hold the leaft Converfation on 
commercial Affairs ; becaufe, fays he, how can (he 
be acquainted with the different Interefts and Con- 
nexions of Nations; or how can {he tell what 
Commodities a European Trader muft barter for 
Slaves on the Coaft of Africa ? The Lawyer will 
not admit his Wife to have any Pretence to Elo- 
quence, though her Tongue is ir.ceffantly flowing 
with the utmoft Volubility. The Clergyman will 
grant his Lady to be endowed with good Senfe, 
and every ceconomical Virtue \ but defpifes her 
Underftanding, becaufe fhe is unacquainted with 
the Beauties of the antient Claflics. The Mecha- 
nic fays his Wife is a very prudent Woman, but 
reje6ls her Advice in many material Affairs, be- 
caufe fhe is ignorant of the Secrets of that Pro- 

fei&on 



the MIDWIFE. ii$ 

feffion which he had ferv'd a long Apprenticeship 
to learn. And the Farmer allows that his honcft 
Mate may underftand how to manage her Dairyi 
but fagacioufly conceives ihe has no Right to tref- 
pals upon the Superiority of Man^ who b bora to 
be abfblute. 

That Men are extremely fallacious in thefe Opi* 
nions, and erroneous in their Condu£l, I think 
may be very evidently demonArated, and is there* 
iot^ a Ta/k which I have undertaken to illuftrate 
in Vindication of nly Sex. 

Women, as reafonable Creatures, 9fc certainly 
upon an Equality with Men \ and this b a Maxim 
uiriyerfalty aqceded to in every Country of Cbr»- 
ftianity ; though if I was to declare ray Sentimenfif 
fo feeely in the OUdm^fK Smpire^ t ittalid itb iovbt 
but I (hould be dedroyed for a Magician, amotig 
a People who maintain the heretical Opmion that 
a Woman has oo Soul. It b not the Sex, but the 
Species, that drftinguifhes (ubhioary Beings ; and. cf 
the Females in all the Animal Creation are equally 
cftimable with the Males, wl^ ihould not Woman, 
be fet upon an equal Comp^rifon wuh r^ard to 
Man? 

That tho Mind of WojMa is oapable of tbs 
fame Improvenienta as that of Man, b to be 
proved by innumerable Inftances. Women are 
generally allowed to have ^ fpeedier and oaore po- 
netratbg Apprehe^fion than Men \ nor are tbejp 
le(s retentive in Memory ; aod sv» for the pecuMar 
Grace, Elegance, and Volubility of Speech, it 

woul* 



226 ne MIDWIFE. 

would be next to Impiety for the Men to conteft 
it. Why then are not Women capable of diftin- 
guifbing themfelves as much as Men In the Ac- 
quifition of Knowledge, the Invention of Arts, 
and the Refinement of Sciences ? If a Pythagoras 
civilized the rude Samians by his ethical Prcfents .; 
if a Lycurgus reftrained the Licentioufnefs of the 
Lacedemonians by his legiflative Inftitutiona ; or if 
a Plato^ furrounded with the Gloom oi Paganifm^ 
could trace the glorious Attributes of the omnipo- 
tent Creator, and with his pious Refleftions ftartle 
the Profeffors of Chriftianity ; all this ought not to 
be attributed to any Superiority of Sex ; for thofe 
venerable Sages as much furpaiTed the reft of 
Mankind, as the moft ftrenuous Votary for the 
Male Sex efteems the Inferiority of Women to 
Men. 

Stoical Refolution, and cynickl Pride, have al'- 
ways been held derogatory to the Female Sex j 
though this was a Stroke of Policy in the Men^ 
which was difregarded both by Portia and Hip' 
farchia ; the former proving hcrfelf as ftanch a 
Stoic as CatQ her Father, and the latter defpifing 
Cenfure as much as Diogenes. The human Soul is 
every where the fame, though Climates and Cu- 
ftoms may implant in it diiFerent Paffions and Sen- 
fations : therefore, I make no Doubt, but the Fe- 
male Inhabitants of Great Britain^, may, under 
proper Regulations, appear as illuftrious as any of 
the fame Sex that ever breathed the Air of Gnea 
or Rome,, 

How 



ne MIDWIFE. 227 

How greatly is it to be lamented, that the Fe«» 
male Sex (hould be in a Manner diftnherited from 
their Right of common in the Fields of Learning? 
That we have Capacity for attaining the Height of 
Wifdom ought not to be denied y and why was the 
bright Spark of Reafon implanted in our Souls ? 
Surely, not to place us in a State of Subjedtion. 
Let our Faculties be improved, and our Abilities 
tried, we fhall.foon convince Men of our £qua« 
lity. And certainly an Application to Learning 
among the Female Sex, would be attended with 
many Advantages to themfelves, their Acquain- 
tance, and the whole Nation in general; and 
therefore ought to be encouraged. For by the 
Advantages refulting from a liberal Education, the 
Ladies might be attending to a Syftem of Ethics, 
inftead of cenfuring the Conduft of their Neigh- 
bours : they might be examining the Beauty and 
Regularity of the planetary Syftem, inftead of ex- 
claiming againft the Indecency and Intemperance 
of. their Hufbands : they might be admiring the 
Secrets of the vegetable Creation, inftead of com- 
menting upon the Indifcretion of a celebrated 
Beauty; and, above all, they might be fcrutinizing 
into the Tenets of Philofophy, inftead of diftort- 
ing their Countenances at a Game at Whift. Be- 
fides, there is another extraordinary Advantage 
that would immediately accrue from the Encou- 
ragement of Female Learning, efpecially in thofe of 
Women of Quality 5 and this is the Prefervation 
of Senfe, which is greatly endanger'd in our pre- 

fenc 



S28 The MIDWIFE. 

km illuftrious Families, where Hafbftnds are ge- 
netally Strangers to every Part of Literature^ lekv* 
ing it now confined as a Mechanical Tfair^, to 
Butlers and Footmen, juft able to (peH> and figure 
out a weekly Bill of domeftic Expences in tbofe 
few Houfes where any Regard is had to C£co« 
nomy. 

I would not here be underftood to mean, that 
Ladies of Quality in general are ufnaoquaineed whh 
Learning ; no, I am cohfcious to myfelf &nd mufi: 
acknowledge, that her Qrace of ****^ her Once 
of****, her Grace of ***♦, her Grace of **% 
and about nineteen othdFLadie9,^hoiii you haveliiKi 
the Honour frequently to drink Tea with, have a 
greater Share both of Gennis and 7>eafrning fhan I 
am pofleft of, and are abundantly hetter qualified 
to write on any Subjed than their 

Mo/i obedient humble Servant^ 

Sarah Maria Smith. 



Mmairs af a Pamphlet refleSing en the 

Mifs G ■ g8> 

Written fomewhat in the Manner of /)/^« Jti;//? 
■■ ■ ■ Multum tile i^ ierris ja^aius ilf alto. 

IN fweet Vaux'hall I love to ftray ; 
But wiih it were completely gay : 
In fplendid Scenes we drink and eat ; 
In fordid Huts ■ ■ n^ ' evacuate; 

Ah! 



Tie MIDWIFE. 

All ! why, ye Godsl more Care about 
What we put in, than we put outi 
Yet I've no Reafon to complain ; 
My Offerings pkafe ki any Fane : 
Fair Cloacina nods- the Head, 
While Fumes of Incenie round her fpread* 

Befides, it lately was my Lot 
To meet Adventures in her Grot : 
Scarce bad I oped and fhut the Door ; 
And veird, in Form, the Common Shore ; 
When, lo ! I fpy*d a Wretch ferlorn. 
In haplefs Piigbtf all rent and torn ; 
Vile as the batter 'd, dying Whore, • 

Lie half expiring on the Floor. 
This Being once a Pamphlet ihow'd ; 
An Hundred Leaves together fow'd,; 
Now only two from Fat« could fav€ j 
And one of them was in the Grave. 

«« I've been (it cry'd) in bloody Wars ; 
As you (hall hear : pray, mnd my Scar$« 
I know my Doom — — to kifs your Br^ 



229, 



My Hour is come— Til make my Speech. 
Fortune nor * Pfiriwig, nor Goofequill 
(Compared to me) did ever ufe IU« 
I've been a Vagabond from firll, 
A Jucklefs Fojc, though ever cuift. 

In Youth a Stationer, for Pay, 
Vnov me to Printer packM away; 



* The Midwife has given tis tjie Memoirs of a Tie« 
Wig, as the Student -has preienteii as with thoTe of a 
^ofe^iiiU. 



«30 ne MIDWIFE. 

My fpotlefs Innocence was ftain'd ; 
The worft of Chara^ers I gain'd. 
But, like the Miftrefs of a K , 
Obtain'd a Title by my Sin. 

At t **'s next my Tent was pitcht. 
Where I "was folded, prefs'd and ftitcht. 
As Cinder-girls, embracing Shoe-men, 
No more are Girls, but Cinder-women j 
Or Eggs, well batter'd, turn an Amlet ; 
Thus I, when ftitcht, commenc'd a Pamphlet. 
Whence all my Miferies I date ; 
Whence Gods and Men confpire my Fate. 

A new-born Libel flies about, 
Quicker than Felon juft broke out : 
Thus 1, full foon for Six-pence bought, 
To G e*s CofFee-houfe was brought. 
But know, the MeiTenger in fport. 
Thrice dropt me ihiv'ring in the Dirt ; 
And thrice he cry*d, why d — n your Blood, 
You've ftrange Propenfity to Mud. 

Yet all the Criticks I could fee. 
Were more intemperate than he. 
They d— n'd me as they read me o*er ; 
They never read fuch StuflF before. 
Thefe twift me when they light their Pipes ; 
Thofe foul me, tortur'd with the Gripes. 
One fweird as big as any Porpus, 
And fpiird his Chocolate on Purpofe. 
Another ilop'd his Bobea Tea, 

And two whole Leaves diflblv'd away. 

* — . _i 

fAPoblifter. 

Col 



ne MIDWIFE. 231 

Coffee (the Politicians vext) 
Depriv'd me of my Title ntxU 
An honeft Scot/man in a HufF, 
Begrimed me with half-Jnotty Sniiffl . 
Hear me, ye Manufcripts of C- 



1 interpofed, or he'd bef — t ye. 

A — d ! Where's now your candid Strain ? 

•Good — very good"^ and good again ? 

^^p ^^^ ^B» ^^^ •^ •^ 

A Beau, who would not for the World, 
A Lock of his fhould go uncurl'd j 
Before the Glafs, in raging Vein, 
Tore out a Leaf to eafe bis Pain : 
Befides (my Mufe the Truth relates) 
All Folly, but his own, he hates; 
So next Day, at his Breakfaft fluffing, 
Greafed me all over with his Muffin. 
To-night he brought me to this Garden; 
Forgetting I belong to f Hardin : 
But rofe too foon, for ever fickle, 
And waddled ofF in dainty pickle. 

Thus 1 cbtain'dfa fliort Reprieve 5 
But fhall, alas ! no longer live : 
My Courfe of Wickednefs I've run ; 
Befides, I fee you've almoft done : 
And you will not, right well I ween. 
Take your Departure till you're clean. 

For ev'ry III my Sire I blame j 
My Sire, who often bore the fame : 

f He keeps G«— *'s Cofiee-houfe. 

T 2 Muft 



232 Th MIDWIFE. 

Mud I too fuffer, and attone 
For Crimes, that be commits alone I 
Could he hb Naftitiefs contain. 
Nor void the Ordure of his Brain ; 
I might have pafs'd like other Folks, 
And unpolluted crack'd my Jokes : 
But Excrement long having born, 
1 muft to Excrement return. 
Brought forth in Folly ! born in Sin ^ 
Happy had Dunces never been ; 
Or Scandal were confin'd to Tea ; 
No Vengeance then had fell'n on me. 

But from its Rife itJy Fate 111 trace ^ 
The Author of each dire Difgrace, 
Would ev'n the Qyeen of Beauty braver- 
Bright Fenus rifing frbm the Wave. 
Vile as the foul-mouth*d, foul-tail'd Trull ; 
C)r Heart — and Body — rotteq Cull ! 
For know, the Caitiff, fraught with Spight, 
With Pen. envcnom'd prone to write,. 
Chcfe for his Strumpet-Mufe a Theme, 
The heav'nly G — nn — gs to biafpheme* 
And I was doom'd to bear about, 
The blacked Rancour he could fpout. 
Hence all the Evils I have bore ; 
My prefent Doom to Common Shore ; 
And yet lefs wretched I fince my End 
Id Time of Need can you befriend. 

Tve made my Story very ample; 
Take Warning by my fad Example i 



The MIDWIFE. 233 

I die in Charity with Men, 

Who for the G-^nn-^ngs draw the Pen.*' 
It ceas'd. I fnatchM the trembling VidiiDy * 

Had I the Author Pd havckick*d him.'- 

Whom not the Love-creating Smile 

Of either G-^»«— «fgY touM beguile; 

Not all their Paradife of Charms, 

The Rancour of his Soul difarms. 

But I could bear no more delay ; 

No other Paper in the Way : 

Had Painter's Worksj like Painter> ftood. 

To fi;ffer for another's Gopdj 

Oh ! were there left one Birth-Day (Jde, ' 

To grace the lower fam*d Abode ; 

No ! I in vain fearich'd all around, 

For Aot a Scribble could bt found. * 

'Twas then the flutt'riiig Leaf I fpread i 

The Sifters bid me cut the Thread : 

I gave it firft the Honours due ; 

The Goddefs' Robe of Saffron Hue : 

The Winds a miftic Murmur bear; 

*' Where more is meant than meets tb'eE^r ;" /^ 

Ac length, my Finger ftretching wide. 

It flounders in the fable Tide* 

So Square or Thwackum^ one or t*other, 
When Tom at Molly^s made a pother. 
While the Nail holds, in higl> tied Rug, \ 

CerteSy a yellow one, lies fnug ; 
But when that fails, the Pedant-Sot 
Falls Headlong in the Chamber P-*. 

T3 But 



But now feic CUe€ina*t Rites 
Perfamt'dy the Qpove once more invites : 
And fee the G " - wi * n gs fpretd their Charma t 
Oh ! could I claTp them, to my Arms ! 
But, while each Nymph, my Soul bewitcheSf. 
Ye Mufesy dofe your Poet's ♦* 

The gentle Reader may, if he pleafe, add At 
Word Speeches. 



On tbi Marit $f Brevity ^ ieh^ a Fellow i» 
try Mrs. M I D N I G H T. 

^Inon ingadumcerii hrtvitzt^mappr^ta y 

^ua commmimii tant9 isbetju/iiusy 

^uantc poeta. funt fwleJU validius.. 

Fhjbdrus. 
In Englijh thu$>. 

If you think that my Works are too puft up witk 
Levity, 

Yet at leaft Approbation is due to my Brevity, 

The Praifes of which (hou'd be now more egre*^ 
gious, 

As our Bards^ at this Time are- confoundedly te- 
dious.. 

The Spartansy who,, by the Bye, for Brevity^ 
fake, were fiyl'd the Lacedaemonians, were. 

^See.N^imb. 3* P«geii6. 



rbe M I D W I t E. i^g 

"Tcry cmmcnt ^br Aw Virttie j thcjr are rc pertc j to 
have fent a full and fatisrafltory Anfwcr to the/** 
ibfnians uf on the Wiiig of a Fly^ Thucyiifff apd 
SoZ/iu^ have aojuired more Reputation by this £jk« 
cellence, than by aQ their .other ViFtues. Horofi 
however, feem$ ta condemn it a^ ^e P^trent of 
Obfcurity. 



mi^mtt 



iff§ lahro 



Obfcttrus fio. De Arte Poetica^ 

And now fince Example goe» beyond Precept,. 
Pll give you an Inftance of Brevity A-la-mode a- 
Paris. ■ Taken from a merry DoAor. 

Change Saih>i.es. 

For thus it is exprefs'd in &^lijk. VrsAmty* 
But in/r^;?d& Brevity it runs thus : Do thou get off 
from thy Horfe, and I will get ofF from my Horfe f 
and when thou haft got off from thy Horfe, and I have 
got off from my Horfe ; then thou fhalt take the- 
Saddle off from thy Horfe, and (hall take the Saddle 
off from my Horfe i and when thou baft tak^n the 
Saddle off fix>m thy Horfe, and haft taken the 
Saddle off from my Horfe ; thou ibalt take that 
Saddle which was upon thy Horfe,. and ftiall put it 
upon my Horfe, and iball take that Saddle whi(^ 
was upon my Horfe, and Ihall put it upon tby^ 
Horfe; fef cateray isf caJera^ (^ t^Ura*> 

Li 



236 ^he MIDWIFE. 



MRS. Midnigbt thinks it extreamly hard, that 
fhe who valu^ beffelf . upon her Attach- 
ment to the prefent happy Eftablifhment both in 
Church and State, fhould be accufed, or even 
fufpeded, of doing any Thing which might ren- 
der her Writings obnoxious to her Friends in 
Power ; and in order to bring the Author of the 
malicious* Paragraph lately inferted in the publick 
Papers to Juftice, {he doth hereby promife a Re- 
ward of Ten Thousand Pounds, to any Pcr- 
fon or Perfons who (hall difcover the Author, or 
Authors, Perpetrator, or Perpetrators thereof. 

Witnefs my Hand, 

St, James* i Placty July 24, 1 7 5 1 • 

Mary Midnigha*. 



An E P I G RAM. 

MY Pollfs moft divinely Fair, 
Soft, tender, lovely, fweet and young, 
How delicate her Shape and Air ? 
And what Inchantmcnt arms her Tongue ! 
Her fwimming Eye ! her fwclling Breaft ! 
From her the Graces ne'er are funder'd. 
This Charm too add, which crowns the reft. 
She can be conAant *— — — to a Hundred. 

N.B. 



J^^ M I D W I F E. 2^7 

JV. B. This Epigram wis wrote by a Pbyfician, 
and with a E)e6g» to afiront the Ladies j in return 
for which Favour, I fcall prcfcribe the Ete£^of a 
Dofe of his own Pbyfick in one of n%y fubfequent 
A^Iagazines. 



yZv Midwife's Politicks : Or, Gojfifs Chro-' 
nicle of the Affairs of Ettrope, 

PaRTooAL mtd Spaih. 

HIS moft faithful Majefty of Portagal, fieems to iif. 
herit none of that religious Puiillanimity which 
Was inflilled into his Father by the Artifices of Father 
Gafpard. This Monarch who h now in the 37th Year 
of his Age, was brought into the World by the Aflill- . 
aoce of one of my intimate Acquaintance, who deliver *d 
bis Mother the Archdatchefs Mary Anne of Aaftria of 
this lovely Prince^ Don Jofeph, on the 6tb of June 
»7i4» when ihe acquainted his Mother that (he could 
difcover, by her iSkill in Metopoicopy, that the young 
Prince would have more of ^he Auftrian than of the 
Bcaganzaa DUpofition; whi^h fhe can now have the 
Happiness to fay, was a very faithful Prediction. — 
His Mod Catholic Majedy feems wholly attentive to the 
AugmentatioB of kis Marine ; having iiTued Orders for 
affembKng all the Seamen that can be found in the re- 
fpeflive Ports ti( Spain : Orders are alia given for re* 
floring the Regiment of Miqaelets which had been re- 
formed, and for completing with the utmoft Diligence^ 
the Troops of his Catholic Majefty : A Thoufand full 

grow^i* 



238 the M I D W I F E. 

grown Trees are ordered to be felled in the Forefts of 
.Catalonia; and tUe Marquis de.la Enfenada, who has 
the Care of the Navy, has found Means to engage into 
the Spaniih Service, an Englifhmany of whofe Skill in 
Ship-building feveral fine Ships built at Carthagena, are 
valuable Proofs to the Spaniih Monarch, who grants 
him a Piilole per Diem. 

Italy, 

The Italian States are dill prejudiced by the Barbary 
Corfairs, who have lately taken a Maltefe Felucca.— 
Count Chriftiani, Chancellor of Milan, has happily ad- 
jured all the Claims for Money expended by his Sardi- 
nian Majefty during tte laft War, for the Troops of the 
Emprefs Queen; and alfo regulated whatever Difficulties 
. flill remained in regard to their refpedlive Frontiers in 
Lombardy. — M. Chauvelin was to have a Mecfting with 
the Coriican Chiefs on the 25th of Joly; for which 
Purpofe circular Letters were difpatched to all the 
Pieves of the Ifland, inviting them to fend Deputies to 
a general AfTembly that wasto be he!d before the End 
of that Month, for definitively fetling the Affairs of their 
Country $ and it is reported that a Spanifli Emiflary 
will be there, to concert Meafures for facilitating an 
Agreement to yield up that turbulent Ifland. By Ad- 
vices from Florence we find, that while England is en- 
deavouring to furnifh the Court of Vienna with a King 
of the Romans, the Diitf hy of Tufcany is going to fur- 
nifh the French with Timber for Ships, to difpute the 
Superiority of the Main. 

France. 



7*^ M I D W I F E. 239 

F R A lit C B. 

• The Contefts between the French Court and the Par* 
Itament of Paris, kindle upon the leaftOocafion: but 
his Majefty has ordered the premier Prefident -to ac- 
quaint the Patrliament, that he exprefly forbad them 
interfering for the future, in any Thing more than exa« 
mining into the Condu£i of the Sub-Dire6lors ; defiriag 
them to make no more Remonilrances againft the Regu- 
lations for the good Order of the Hofpitals; for, as 
well in this Refpedl as in all others, his Majefty iaiifted 
upon being obeyed without Reply. A fine Imftance of^ 
arbitrary Power; therefore, happy Britain, whofe 
Monarch rules only By the Law of Jufiice, and in Con- 
currence of that Parliament 'which is the pure reprefen* 
tati've of Liberty f-r-'^he Breft Squadron, confining of 
ten Men of War and two Frigates, fet fail the 20th of 
July to the South-Weft; and it is generally reported to 
be deftined for the American Colonies ; however, they 
have left that Difcovery to be made by a neighbouring 
Nation as foon as they can. 

Germany. 

The ableft Heads at .Vienna, among the Auftrian and 
Britiih Negociators, are clubbing their Wits to bring a- 
bout a Reconciliation between the Ruffian and Pruifian 
Courts, being feniible that the making Pruffia eafy, is an 
Article that muft precede the bringing the £l.e6Uon of a 
King of the Romans on the Tapis : and, in Germany, 
it is iincerely wilhed they may fucceed, not becaufe of 
any real Intercft Britain may have in perpetuating the' 
Imperial Dignity in the Auftrian Family, but becaufe 
they apprehend fhe is not now in Circumftances to go to 
War about it. 

Sweden 



040 The M I D W I F E.. 

S w B D E 9 mtJ Russia. 

llie Hopes of a tkovough Rcooadliatian between the 
Courts of Feterfbuigh aad ScocUMrfm GOiiihiae» and in- 
cretfe fo ttuch, that theCcarioA ceitaaaly nicadt to vifit 
Mo&ow and tke Uknimc -in Odober next ; and the 
Court of Vienna has interpofed its good Offices^ to faring 
about an amicable Underuanding between the Courts of 
Peterlburgh and Berlin. This Tranquillity is fo much 
the more fortunate at Stockholm, as the Attention of 
the King and Miniftry can be employed, without Avo- 
cations, on the beft Means for retrieving ike Damages 
of the Fkes, and procufii^to cvexy cae, as far as 
poffible, what they may hare kA in the Coafiiifon. 
Poor Swedes ! white their Jiew Monaith was healing the 
Wounds given them hy the Temerity of Charles XU, 
how great a Calamity has fallen upon them. 

Persia. 

The laft Letters from Condantinople m^e mention of 
a bloody Battle fought in the Neighbourhood of Ifpahan, 
between the two Competitors for the Perlian Throne, in 
Hhich upwards of 30,000 Men-were killed on the Spot. 
They had not as yet any Particulars of this A6lion, but 
only knew in general, that Foitune followed the Stan- 
dard of the Shab, whom the Majority of the Nation had 
already acknowledged in Quality of Sophi ; that his 
Vi6U>ry was complete, and that his Rival had been 
wounded in the Battle, but had neverthelefs the good 
Fortune to efcape with a fmall Fart of his Army. Pcace^ 
and Felicity, when are you again to rcvifit die Plains of 
Perfia I Plenty^ when art thou again to finile in the Val- 
lies watered by the Streams of Araxes ! while the Se^ of 
Omar wear the Turban in Tranquillity ; the Followers 
of Hali have their iilkcn Mandils ftrewed over the Soil 
among an Hecatomb of (lain : fuch is the Rapacity of 
conte^ing Tyrants, fuch the Devafiation of inteflibe 
Wari 



C*4i ] 






The MIDWIFE. 



NUMBER VI. 



VOL. n. 



A Litter from the Whifpering-Gallery in St. 
Paul's^ to Mrs. Mary Midnight. 

Madam^ 

AS I have the Honour to be the Confi- 
dante of almoft every Individual in this 
great Metropolis, I Imagine my Corre- 
ijpondence may be of fome Service to your Maga« 
zine ; I therefore promife it you unaflc'd, and 
as a Specimen both of my Intelligence and Abilities, 
1 have indofed a Copy of a Letter, which I beg 
you'd publiCh or fupprds, according as you approve 
or diflike it. I afliire you Madam, there's not aDay 
pafies over my Heady but I hear fomething whif" 
Vol. II. U pvrci 



242 rhe M I D W I F E.^ 

pered to your Advantage j in Confequence of which, 
I muft profcfs myfclf, 

Tour Friendy Servant^ and JtJmtrery 

The Whispering Gallery. 

I *■ • • • ' " • ■ ? 

j1 genuine Copy of a moft furprifing Epifile fent 
by the Whifpering Gallery in St. PaulV, to 
a certain Chocolate-Houfe aMbe*otber End 
of the Tozvn. 



■ 1 A -* 1- 



Calumniari Jiquts autetH vrffuriti 

J^od Arbores hquantur^ non tantumfera^ 

Filiis jicari nhs meminerit fkbuKu 

Ph/edrus. 

Thou Place of Infamy } ^ f, .. \. 

Didft thoii' think, thaf l, who am acquainted 
with all the Proceedings of the two moft .opulent 
Cities in the World, cou'd be long ignorant of the 
enormous Prailks to Which Ihoo' ftrt Witheft : IXdft 
thou think, th^I) i^teanv^MlVy td th« tendej^fiigb 
of the \^iiking Maiden^ tN; 'pMroiriid Sect^ts of tlTe 
unfathomable Politidikh, thfc kiithtM^te Oroalfs of 
the grutching MtfekS Mid g^eVbus GHimbling» of 
the difcontented- Tradefmaii, toa*d be a Stranger 
to thofe CftiMEi which are (>uliliihed by the Com- 
MiTTEMf and tb tbat Naif^EWsB Which is pro- 
pagat^l by'No'f sur Tliere'A/Mni't^oWoHby At- 
A^xt£L^'whi^fifig in jh)r Pr jiei»lfc tht Other Day ; 
' . ^ . . .' that 



The' Ml ETW I F E. 243 

that a /////f Society of Misn that frequent 7^^^, have 
made fev«ral Bye^Laws againft Gaming, which is 
not fo much a Vice itfelf, as it is the Parent of all 
others.-^Notwithftanding which Bye-Laws (they 
ftill perfifted to whifper) that the little Society 
aforefaid, did meet on purpofe to break the Statutes 
they ihefn&lves promulged, and this more particu- 
larly on that Day^ when every thing about me In 
the fober City, is dedicated to the moft facred Pur- 
pofes. When fuch Things as thefe are tranfadled in 
.thee, how 4areft thou ren^ain uppn thy Foundations, 
why doit thou iK)t (bake at every Oath, or rather» 
why doft thoa.not tun:ibledown and crufh the hor- 
rible Blafphemers ? 

Much more I have to fay to thee, and much 
.more I will fay to thee, if I do not (hortly hear it 
whifper*,d tliat thou mendeft thy Manners* Thy 
Vanity, thy Pride, thy Folly, Ignorance and Glut- 
tony, will afford an ample Field for Whifperers^ 
and what they whifper I will divulge, for Secrecy, 
when flie works for the wicked, revolts from her 
fair Miflrefs Prudence, and becomes a Vice inftead 
of a Virtue. 

Thine^ as thou lehavefiy 

Thi Whispering Gallery. 

N. B. Mrs. Midnight hereby gives Notice, that 
(he has now made a League, and eftablifhed a Cor- 
refpondencc with the Whifpering Gallery : So Peo- 
ple of all Ranks and Degrees, are particularly ad- 

U 2- moniih'd 



2^4 "^be MIDWIFE. 

monifh'd to be careful in their Condudj or they 
will certainly be detected and expofed.— 'Tis high 
time to do fomething for the Caufeof Virtue^ when 
the very Stocks and Stones erf out a^nft us. 



To AS's. Sarah Rowden, Senior Organijt 
of St. Paul'j Church, London. 

Madamy 

IN the following Account of the Difpute be- 
tween you and your Brother Muficians, I hope 
I have done you the Juftice you expeded. I have 
prevailed on my Bookfeller, who is alfo a Genius, 
to undertake the Infpeftion of the Work you arc 
about to publiih, and if I can be otherways fer* 
viceable to you, 'twill be a great Satisfodion to, 

Madam^ 

Tour Friend and Admirer^ 

M. Midnight* 

A Genius Teftor*i\ Or the Matter fet in a 

clear Light. 

Modesty has been generally efteemed the 
true CharaiSterifiic, and conftant Concomitant of 
Merit. And as the Fraternity of Muficians have 
been as famous for the one as the other ; that is to 
fay, for Merit as for Modejiy^ I am not a little 
furpiiz'd at their Treatment of my Sifler Sarah 

Rowden* 



rhe M I D W I F E. 245 

Rowdm. As the Difpute lietween that old Gen- 
.tlewoman and the other OrgdnjAs and Muficiansy 
has of late ran very high, I fhall lay the Matter 
open, that every Body may fee who has the better 
of the Argument, and . of Confequence where the 
moft Merit is centerM. 

That Mrs. Rowden is a prodigious 'Genius> her 
very Enemies muft. aa4 do ^Uow: It will be fuffi- 
cient therefore if I only fet forth how I became ac-* 
quainted with that extraordinary Woman, and givp 
^.trueHifiory of the Cafey without enforcing any 
Arguments to the Advantage ^r Pifadvantage of 
cither Party. Truth is beft w^en naked— —And 
hpxQ follows the nake^ Truth. . i . , .. 

As I was walking the other ^ay is PAC^ qf thf 
Ifles of St. Paul's Church, I perceiv'd; an old Wa- 
man in a dark Hole under the Organ J!^oft, preffing 
down feveral large Pieces of ITiniber, poe of which 
.arpfe before the other was wel^ nigh d^ wn, fo that 
fh^ was oblig'd ^a^ove badj^wafd aod forward 
with great Celerity, without' the kaft Refpite or 
Relaxation, and her Labour (if you will, make Al- 
lowanci^ for preffing down inftead of heaving up) 
appeared to me not unli]fe that of old Sjftphu^ 
mention'd in my Edition of Ovid's Metamor- 
pbofes. vUpon my enqitiring what (he was about, fhe 
ftarted wifh §urpri:fiC, that I fhou'fl aik fuch a Quef- 
tiom. Dofg't you har^.fdyi (ke^ that I am playing; 
the Organ ; this is the 1 04/A Pfalmy and by and by 
Jjhall play you fine of Dr. BctyQt's^ntbms. 4}^ 
. « U 3 fays 



246 ne M I D W I F £• 

fays another good Woman that ftood by j *7/j vtrj 
true^ Dr. Green is the reputed Organifty and re- 
ceives the Salary^ hut Goody Rowden plays tbt 
Organ for Forty Shillings a Tear* Here I began to 
refled on the ill Treatment the Aged of our Sex 
meet with, and the Difficulties we labour under. 
We are undoubtedly the wifeft of all the human Spe- 
cies, and fo eilential in Life, that you fee a Boy 
can't well be born, or an Organ play'd, without 
our Aid ; and yet we are defpifed and contemn'd 
by thofe who are our Inferiors and Dependants.-* 
But to return to my Subject— I was determined to 
go, as we fay in my Country, to the Bottom of 
this Affair ; and feeing a Gentleman come out of 
the Organ-Loft, that I knew, afk^d him v^ bad 
play'd the Organ : Madam^ fays be, / played it 
wyfelfy and 1 hope I had the Honour to pleafe you. 
As this was confirmed by two of the Vergers, who 
ftood by, I was ftill more embarrafied ; and return- 
ing to Goody Rowden^ told her I had been inform- 
ed that Mr. ♦** had play'd the Service, Ay^ lays 
Ihe, The Clapper rings the Bellj hut who pulls the 
Hope? *Tis here as in a Puppet Show ; you appre- 
lend that Punch Jpeais^ hut 'tis we behind the Cur* 
tain that move his wooden Limhs^ and articulate the 
Sounds. In Jhort we do the Bujtnefs^ and Aey gain 
the Applauje. — Nor is this to be wonder'd at, for 
all the World feems to detrad from the Merit of us 
old Women ; and my Printer had the Aflurance 
t'other Day) to tell ine> that Ac extraordiflary 

Sale 



f%e MID W I FE. 247 



Sale of injr Magazine, was entirely owing to 
Manner of printing it. * 

As I have taken on me tbe Gtiardianihip and 
Defence of mj Sex, I thou^t it my Duty to vin- 
dicate this poor Woman ; accordingly I fummonM 
all the great muficai Matters to attend. The Conteft 
lay between Mr. Handel and Mrs. Rowdm ; and 
juft as he was playing his Coronation Anthem, and 
for the Sake of Pre-eminence, jiging his Fingers 
upon the Keys, a total Sufpenfion of all Sound 
cnfued; upon whidi the oM Woman peeps out 
of her Hole, Where are ye new f Out^ fays the 
Artift above. Outj aj^ fays fhe, yen ean*t play 
yeur ewn Mufic witbeut my AJJiftance^' Upon 
this a Truce was drawn, and under my Me- 
diation it was agreed, that the Reputation ac- 
quired, or to be acquired, by the free Uie and 
Eacercife of that Organ, fhould be divided into two 
equal Parts $ one whereof to be given in tbe firft 
Place to Geeiy Rawden^ as the Senior Performer 
on the Bellows, and the remaining Part to the other 
Organift, who fliou'd jig the Jacks above Stairs. 

It gives me a two-fold Sati^a£lion, that I 
have been abled to get this Affair fettled upon fo 
amicable a Footing ; in the firfl Place becaufe it is 
doing Juftice to Genius, and affigning to my old 
Friend Geeiy Rewden her Right 1 and fecondly, 
becaufe it will be a Means of preventing Difputes of 
this Nature for the future^ and keep my Brother 
Oisanifts in proper Order» 



44« 31be' M I D W. I F E; 

'I remember aa Affair of this Sort otioe at fflniL 
for: A particular Friend of mine was playing on 
that Organ one of Dr. Blow's Anthems, and juft 
as he had finiih'd the Verfe Part and begun the 
full Chorus the Organ oeat'd; upon which he 
call'd to Dicilbar^ rbe Qj^^ft beneath, tQ 
Juiow what . was . the Matter, Tbe. M^ter^ fayis 
Dick, / havi flay*d tbi Anthtm below : Ay^ fays 
the other, hut I have mt play' d it above* N$ 
JMattcTj quoth Dick, you might havi made more 
.Haft€ then^ I know how many Fuffs go to one of 
Z>r. Blow'i Anihpm ai well as you^do'g I have not 
flay'd the Organ fo matiy Tears for nqthing. 
. But as ail DiQiutes ,of. this Sprt are pow entirely 
fettled, and aocomoiodated to the Satisfa£tion of 
both Parties y I have only to inform my Readers, 
that Gaoify Rowden the Organift, is a very in- 
^luftrious 'Woman, Jtho' very poor,, And to idefire 
gU.GehtleJmen.aBd Ladies t» call at her OAce un- 
der the Organ Loft, and leave fmietbjog towards 
her Subfiftence b^re they go into tti^ Choir, 
which will greatly oblige their 

Mo^ obedient humble Servemt^- 

- M.' MriwiGHTi 



i: s .■ \ r ■'.-. 






• 



i . 1r.- 



i 



ne MIDWIFE. 249 

fie ^ftioth " Whether 'tis beft to oil a 
Man's Wig with Honey or Muftard,'* be^ 
ing propofed to the moft numerous AJfemhly 
that ever met at the Robin-Hood, 

Thi cekhrated Mr. Whipper Snapper Jlood upj 
and fpoh in Subftanct as filkws* 

Mr. President, 

AS the Quefiion propofed is of the utmoft 
Dignity, and the h&, Importance, I hope 
I ihall be favour'd with a patient, candid, and 
judicious Audience. — Hope ? do I (ay ? I am 
perfuaded I ihall be foy smd therefore ihall pro* 
ceed upon the Debate modeftly, moderately, and 
methodically. In order. Gentlemen, to form any 
tolerable Judgment of the Affair in Hand, it will 
be highly requifite to confider the Nature, Genius, 
and Extent of the four cardinal Virtues ; that is. 
Justice, Prudence, Temperance, and For- 
titude : I don't know. Gentlemen, whether I 
arrange thefe Virtues in their proper Order, but 
that is neither here nor there, neither on one 
Side nor t*othcr. — Magna eft Veritas & pravalebit* 
And now let us examine what JuiHce has to fay, 
•—Why Juftice fays, before you precipitately give 
your Opinion, you ought to confider the Confli^ 
tution and Confequence of a Wig. — Well then, 
what is a Wig ? — Why, what do you think it is ? 

Well 



250 r*^ . M I D W J F E. 

Well rU tell you what it is. •— I define a Wig to 
be a certain Quantity of Hair^ aritificially com- 
bined and connedUd together by a Mechanic, who 
in the vulgar Tongue is ftyled, call'd, and deno- 
minated a Barber. Now every Man that wears a 
Wig, is under a triple Obligation, or (if I may 
be allow'd the ExprefCon) under an Indenture 
tripartite^ between himfelf in the firft Place, the 
Barber in the fecond, and the Wig in the third : He 
is in Fad obliged to do Juftice to all three Paities. 
■— If it therefore can be proved, that oiling with 
Muftard is more for the Credit of the Barber, 
the Dignity of the Wearer, and the Ornament 
and Prefervation of that inanimate Piece of Hair, 
which is entitled and call'd a Wig ; I fay. Gentle- 
men, that we are obliged Gentlemen, in Juftia^ 
Gentlemen, .to prefer Muftard tp Honey, or aoy 
.Other un^tious: Sub0ance whatfo^ver. -— And now 
let us weigh this momentous Affair in the Sojes 
of Prudinci% which is another cardinal Virtue, <— 
What then fays Prudence ? Why, what dp you 
think fhe fays \ Well PU tell you what Ihe fays. 
She fays that if it be cheaper (as undoubtedly it is} 
to oil your Wig with Muftard, why in point of 
Oeconomy you axe to difcard Honey, and ufe the 
lefs expenfive Lotion. — And what fays Tim- 
peranci? Why fhe fpeaks according Co Cuftom, 
with great Coolnefs and Candour, and begs Leave 
to (land Neuter, being equally averfe to all Ho- 
ney or all Muft*rd. — rAnd now for Fortitude^ 
and what fays Fortitude ? Why Fortitude fwears 

fhc'U 



The M t W I F K. 45t 

flie'll fight of our' Side, if (he lofes herCommiT* 
lion for it. Forbid it Cafar^ forbid it Marlbro^ 
forbid it Eugene^ forbid it •*•</, and you, ye il- 
hiftrious Shades of Shovell and Gorgon^ that Honeys 
the Delight of pufillailtmous- Mi!k-fop»y and thd 
Compofition of paltry Infefts, (hou'd be prefer'd t<i 
Muftard ; that draws Tears from the Eyes of Bar* 
barians, that bites the Tongues of the Eloquent, 
and braces the Nerves of the Magnanimous. * 
And now Wou*d I add' (but I fee the * uplifted 
Hammer) much more to as much Purple, but I 
fhall conclude Mr. Prefident^ by hiimbly prefum-* 
ing, Mr. Prefidmt^ that what I have faid, MA 
Preftdent^ is fufficrent Mr. Prefident ; and pray 
Mr. Jenkinfon be fo good as to pufli the Porter a 
Httle this : Way. - f - « 

'■:'"'■ ■ . ' • ^- ■• . -. . •. 

This was anfkib^d *y Mri William HotrvcoMBy 
' iri the foUowihg Manner, 

Mr. PRESIDBN-T, .. 

I MUST for onceAart out of my Turn, and 
I [hope all the Gentkn^en will excufe me,^ t^ 
Aiirfwer the Gentlemaa that ^okellaft^ for. no Man 
that has any' comnion Senft,. and common Hor 
nefty, and common Truth, and common Juftke^ 



* We are ]allow*d in oar Society to fpeak £ve Mi« 
notes aM no more^ Vfh'wh Tim^ it determined Jby, a 
Watch, Mr. ?rejidtnt and a Hammer. 

caa 



252 ne MIDWIFE. 

can any longer fit ftill and ftand to hear fucb Stuff. 
For a Man for to €ome» for to go, for to fayi 
that Muftard is better to oil a Man's Wig than 
Honey, is monftrous, and ftupid, and ridiculous, 
and abfurd, and filly. Am I warm i I am, — the 
Caufe deferves it. That Honey is better both for the 
Hair, for the Wig, for the Wearer of the Wig, and 
for the Nation and Conftitutton in general, every 
Gentleman here does believe, and no Man that is 
not a Friend to the Pope and to the Pretender, 
and an Enemy to the true Intereft of Wig^ in ge- 
neral, wott'd attempt to prov« the contrary. Mr. 
Prijiditii^ thisQueftion, Mr. Pnjldintj is of more 
Confequence, Mr. Prefident^ than is goierally fup* 
pofed and believed, Mr. Prtfidmi. As to my Part, 
I can without any Pretence to Prophecy, fee Po* 
pery, Jaoobitifm and Toryifin lurking at the Bot- 
tom of it I and I hope every Gentleman here will 
exert himfelf in Favour of his King and Country, 
and the Church and the State. This Queftion, 
Gentlemen, is of the utmoft Importance to us, 
and not to us only but to our Pofterity ; ty to our 
Pofterity both prdent, paft and to come; and 
were we to give into it what wou'd be the Confe- 
quence ? or rather what wou*d not be the Confe- 
qeiice ? —-What wou'd our paft Pofteri^ fiiy to us? 
Why ril tell you what they wou'd fiiy ; they 
wou'd never forgive us; our prefent Pofterity 
wou*d be fiU'd widi Indignation, and our future 
Pofterity wou'd be out of all Manner of Patience^ 

Befides 



The M I D W F F E. 253 

Befides, Gentlemen, a Pradice of this Sort wou'd 
be of the utmoft ill Confequence to our Politicks. 
Plato^ that great Politician, always prefcribed Honey 
to oil Wigs, and why did he do it^ Why I 
will tell you why: He knew that the Bees had in 
themfelves a Commonwealth, a State that* was 
managed with Prudence, and without Bribery and 
Corruption, and he wifely forefaw that by oiling 
his Pupils Wigs with Honey, the political Effluvia 
thereof wou'd afcend to their Heads, and ftrenglhen 
and corroborate their Pofteriors. And pray what 
has been done, or rather what has not been done 
by thofe who have oil'd their Wigs in this Man- 
ner ? Every Beau about Town at this Time, if I 
am rightly informed, oils his Wig with Honey, and 
all of them that are arrived to Manhood, oil their 
Beards with it alfo. Hence the Honey gets into the 
Lips, hence fweet Kiffing;—- hence the Honey gets* 
into the Tongue, hence fine fpeaking ; ay and 
fweet Smelling \ and I can venture to fay, that all 
the Ladies of Fortune who have been married to 
Gallants without a Penoy in Poffeffion, or even in 
ExpeSation, have been obtained and procured by 
this Means: That is to fay, by the invincible 
Power of the Honey v^hich oiFd their Wigs. And 
none but a Durham Man cou'd, contrary to all 
Honour and Confcience, have had the Face to 
have faid fo much in Favour of Muftard* 

X Mr. 



MR, President, and you Gcntlen 
the Club, here is a Qucftion propc 
us of a very extraordinary, a very uncoi 
and a very fingular Nature. I'll tell you whs 
Gentlemen : It is whether Honey or Muflard 
to oil a Man's Wig ; one Gentleman has i 
fpoken very learnedly in Favour of Muftar 
another has deliver'd himfclf very lycontri[ 
in Behalf of Honey, and fo which is in the 
of it, he that fpoke for Honey, or he thai 
for Muftard, I leave you to confidcr ; ! 
Honey he bcft, you'll vote for Muflard, 
Muftard he heft, you'll vote for Honey. ] 
help obferving likewife, thatitwou'd be be 
add a little Milk to the Honey, and fo Mr. 
itnt my Service to you. 

A', B. There were in all forty-five Speeches 



The MIDWIFE. 255 

A Letter from a Surgeon of great Prailice 

and Experience. 

Mrs. Midnight, 
*« TF you look into the Daily Papers of IVed- 
" JL nefday the 28th oi Auguji laft, you will find 
•' the following Paragraphs which are worthy your 
** Perufal, vi%. 

On Monday Might there was the greateft Con*- 
courfe ot People of both Sexes (or rather Mob) at 
Bartholomew Fair, ever known to any Inhabitant 
, in that Place, which occafion'd greit Riots and 
Diforders : The rude and infolent Mob began fifft 
with kicking down the Saufage and Fritter-Fry 
Stalls ; they afterwards proceeded to greater Fx** 
tremities^ by throwing of Stones^ Dirt, &c. b^ 
^hich they Wotitided a ^eat Number of Perfons, 
which occafiofied a general Confufion, in which 
the Pick*pocfcets had no fmall Share : Three were 
carried to the Ho^ital, having ,their Legs broke, 

and very much bruifed. Such are the Con* 

fequences of publick Fairs in and near fo populous 
a City as London^ efpectaliy where the commoil 
People are fo audacious, infolent and ungovernable. 
~ And lafl Night the F^ir ended, to the genend 
Satlsfadion of all who wifh well to the Peace^ 
Order, Sobriety and Induftry of this City. 

Monday "Night about. Five o'Clock^ as a Toll*- 
Man in Smithfield was endeavouring to ftop a 
Hackney-Coachman, with a Box in the Boot for 

X 2 TqU, 



256 The MIDWIFE. 

Toll, and he refufing to pay, the Toll-Gatherer 
fell down, and the Wheel of the Coach unfortu- 
r.aicly went over his TTiigh and broke it to Pieces: 
He likcwife had his Arm broke. He was irnme* 
tl lately carried to St. Bartholomew* sHoi^itJi^ when 
the Surgeon fet his Arm, but yefterday Morning 
his Leg and Thigh were oblig'd to be cut off. 

The fame Day an ancient Man was run over by 
a Coach at the End oiLong-Lane^ 1VeJi'Smithfield\ 
whereby one of his Legs was broke, and his Skull 
fraftured. He was carried to St, Bartbohmiw'^ 
Hofpital. 

*' From hence you will perceive. Madam, how 
our Bu(ine(s daily encreafes, thro' the wife and 
good Government of this great and opulent City. 
If one Fair, and that in fo large a Space, pro- 



cc 

ftC 

«c 

^^ duces fuch Emolument to the Craft, what Ad- 
^< vantages might we not exped from many of 

(€ 



them, and efpeclally if they were held in Places 
more clofely circumfcrib'd ? For as our Mob 
have now gain'd the Point of becoming mafter* 
lefs, great Havock wouM be made on every (light 
^< Occafion, and a Surgeon might then hope to live 
** without the Aid of the Lues Venerea. You arc 
**• therefore defired, dear Mrs, Midnight^ to make 
*' ufe of your Intereft (which wc know is great) 
** to procure a monthly Puppet-Show Fair to be 
*« ereSed at the Royal-Exchange^ which would 
** anfwer all ourPurpofes. I know there are thofe 
•* who will objed to it, and fay it wou'd interrupt 
*« our Trade— But what have wc to do with 

** Trade? 



M 



The MIDWIFE. ^57 

Trade ? Only let the French have our Wool, our 
Fadories, our Plantations, our Shipping, and 
they will do the Bufmefs for us, and fave us the 
Fatigue. Let them know that Mrs« Midnigbu 
and tell them I had it from very good Hands, for' 
the OfFer was made to me by the Manufadurers 
of Abbe VilU^ In fbort, Trade is a treyblefome 
Thing, and as we can now get rid of it, and 
have People to do the Bufinefs for us, I don't fee 
why we ibou'd not lay bold of the golden Oppor- 
tunity. 

I am<, Madam J 

New Surgeons^Hall, Old- Tour moji humble Servant^ 

B^^f, A»^i75i. Valentine V^^rtebra. 

Mrs. Midnioht's RefleSlions on the above 

Letter. 

This Subjed is too ferions to be lau^'d at, aiM 
yet no other Method will be fonrtd effeflxial to this 
abandoned Race ; among whom the Satp-r/f will 
always do more good than the Sage. How much 
muft Foreigners admire our Prudence and Policy, 
our Wifdbm and CEconoitiy, that for the Sake of 
one Man^s Emolument, will permit a Fair, or fa- 
ther a Riot to be kept in fo large a City, and let 
too(6 St turbulent Headlefs Mob, to f^rifice annu-^ 
ally the Lives of many innocent People ? I might 
here take Notice alfo of the Difirefs this muft bring 
to many fdiall Families, who, perhaps are ftarving 
at Home, while their Parents are fquandering away 
tbctt UtUi Sttbfbnctf Akx)ad.<«»Tlie Lofi t^Ki wfaicly 

X 3 Trade 



258 7be MIDWIFE. 

Trade muft fuftain, wou'd deferve our Confidcra- 
tion 5 but Trade, fays my Letter Writer, is become 
a troublefomeThing! Aye, and fo is Religion too 
in this refined Age, I doubt not, and on that Ac- 
count is fo little regarded. But mark this ye wife 
Ones— when Trade declines. Riches will take their 
Flight ; when Religion dies. Morality will make 
it*s Exit, and Government fmk into the Grave. 
Peace and Plenty, Virtue and Induftry, will drop 
down together ; Regularity will give Place to Con- 
fufion, and Tyranny feize the Seat of Juftice, 



An EPIGRAM by Sir Thomas MoRi. 

Di Tyndaro. 

NON minimo infignem nafo dum forte puellam 
Bafiat, en ! voluit Tyndarus ^q dicax. 
Fruftra, ait, ergo tuis mea profero labra labellis^ 

Noftra procul nafus diftinet ora tuus. 
Protinus erubuit, tacitaq ; excanduit ira^ 

Nempe parum falfo tadhi puella fale. 
Nafus ab ore meus tua fi tenet ofcula, dixit^ 
Qua nafus non eft, hie dare parte potes. ■ ■ 

Imitated by Mafter Chriftopher Midnight, my 

Great Grand/on. 



o 



The LoNG-NosE*D FAIR. 

N C £ on a time I fair Dorinda kifs'd, 
Whofe Nofe was too diftinguiih'd to be mifi'd : 

My 



The Midwife: 259 

My Dear, fays I, I fain wou*dJcifs you clofcr, 
But tho* your Lips fay Aye — ^your Nofe fays No^ 

The Maid was equally to Fun inclined, 
And plac*d her lovely Lilly-Hand behind: 
Here, Swain, ihe cry'd, may 'ft thoafecurely kifs; 
Where there's no Nofe to interrupt thy Blifs, 



A Dissertation on Apparitions, Ghofls, 
Spirits, £sff. 6fr. By Mary Midnight. 

AS many able Men have employed their learned 
Pens on this Subject, and talked as elaborate- 
ly on Non^Entities^ as if they had really a Suhjiana 
under their Confideration; one would imagine that 
the World might have been fatisfied in this Particu* 
lar, without peftering me with their idle Interroga** 
tions. But fuch is my Repiiitatioh among the LiU 
Urati\ fo muchlam efteemedby the Members of 
every Faculty ; and fi^ch Deference is paid to my 
Judgment by all Nations, all People, all Languages, 
and all Religions ; that no Determination but mine 
can be decifive. — Pray read the following Tranfla* 
tion of a Copy Of a Letter from Paris. 

Madam^ , ( 

«* Whether; Spirits, or Apparitions can 
« be feen^ felty beards or underjloody has been a 
«^ Matter of Difpute .betvlreii the learned Dp£lor8> 
<( of the Sorbmne^ and fome Members of the Royal 

*< Academy 



£6o ri^^ M I D W I F E. 

<c Academy of Sciences, and of the Belles-Lettres ; 

«< who being unable themfelves to fettle a Matter 

<< of fuch mighty Moment, moft humbly crave 

<< your Determination, which they all agree ihatt 

<< be abfolute and final. We congratulate you on 

c€ the great Succefs of your learned Labours,, and 

<< I have the Honour to fubfcribe myfelf, moft 

<< magnanimous Madam, 

Tiur moji Obedient ^ moji ObfequiouSj 

VQtre tret humbU Serviteur* 

De T&ELSvoyi. 

P. S. <^ Our Grand Monarch would be bblig'd 
<< to you for jrour Company and Counfel. Y6i|r 
<< Acquaintance the Cardinal de Fleury is'dea^i 
^< jour Coufki, the Cardinal Tencittj is aboikt terdk 
<* by and bjr, siiid another good Old Woman's Opiw 
<' nioQ wiUI be wanted. . Our Grand King's politi* 
^' cat Scheme is the Vmvetfali and if you by yoitf 
*< Art and Skill in Negociationy will nioke him the 
«< VrnvexfedGtaoiMmArehy you witt be the Uni* 
^^ Tofal GratdeMadame." 

■■■;.;::';'.:.-■.■■ 

. From benc^ i^ is ]^ain, that the />^ci& want to 
pofTefs themfelvesof our Wit and Lfearning^ as well 
as of our Trade and Money ; but I hope I fliall have 
more Grace than to go over to them, or affift them 
in znj thing that may be prejudicial to my King 
and my Country* As ndther can be aiFeded how 
ever by my foiving this Queftian xef^eding ^/^^ 

. a . ritimt% 



ne MIDWIFE. 261 

rltlons^ I (ball in point of good Manners anfwer 
that Part of the Letter. 

A Monjieur a Monfteur De Trelevou$ 

a Farts. 

Monjieur^ 

BY the manner of dating your Queftion, Whe* 
ther a Spirit or Apparitioriy can be feeuy felij 
heard^ or underjiood? I apprehend, you want to 
know, whether an Apparition be a Noun-Subftan- 
tive, or in other Words, whether it can ftand by 
itfelf ? Which is aQueftion not very eafily anfwer- 
ed, at leaft it is not very prudent for me to anfwer 
it. As moft Men judge and determine in Matters 
of this Sort, not from Evidence and Conviftion, 
but in Imitation of the Learned ; People of great 
Ahih'ties ihpuld be very circumfpe£t and cautious, 
as Well in their Writings as Examples. Was I to 
anfwer in the Affirmative, and give Countenance 
to this Doctrine of Apparitions, my Authoricy would 
be quoted as a Sanation for the moft flagrant Ab- 
furdities : Every Church-yard, Grove, and fhady 
Place wou'd be filled with Goblins and Spe£tres> 
and all the antiquated, and once hofpitable. Seats in 

the Country abandoned. On the other Hand, 

fhou'd I anfwer this Queftion in the Negative, in 
this fceptical Age, in which Infidelity fo much 
abounds, Atheifts and Deifts would apply it to their 
wicked Purpofes, and my Authority wou'd be 
wrefted as a fort of Argument for Do£lrines and 
Opinions, that have not the leaft Foundation in the 

lJatur% 



262 The MIDWIFE. 

Nature and Fitnefs of Things. That the Almighty 
has permitted and made ufe of fuch fupernatural 
Means to anfwer the wife Purpofes of his Provi- 
dence, I make no doubt : We have all the Evidence 
for it that the Nature of the Thing requires, or that 
Beings in our State can expeS ; namely. The con- 
current Tejiimony of the injpired and profane Wri- 
ters ; and any Perfon who from the Teftimony of 
profane Hiftorians, will believe there were fuch Men 
cxifted as Alexander the Great^ Julius Cafar^ Henry 
the Fifths or JVilliam the Conqueror^ may, I think, 
from the Evidence before-mention*d, very well be- 
lieve, that there has been fuch Phoenomena per- 
mitted as Apparitions. But becaufe Providence, 
for certain wife Purpofes, beyond the Reach of our 
fhallow Comprehenfion, has fufier'd four Inftances 
of this Kind, in the fpace of Six-thoufand Years ; 
are we to conclude that e\ ery idle Talc we hear of 
this Sort, is any thing more than the effe£t of a crude 
Imagination, or a diftemper'd Brain ? No— -It bap* 
pens in this Cafe as in moft others : Artful, crafty^ 
and defigning Men taking Notice of the Terrora 
thefe Notions have produced in the ignorant and 
fuperflitious part of Mankind, have propagated the 
general Belief thereof, and applied it to their 
own particular Occafions, as will appear from the 
following Story, publiQiM by the Chevalier dc 
Mainvillers, in hia Travels and Adventures. 

•* The illuftrious Floufe of Hohenloe has many 
•' Branches, each of which are Sovereigns in their 

*« own 



rbe MIDWIFE. 263 

«« own Eftates, A young Count of that Family, 
<« being fent by his Father to Paris^ with a View 
*< of giving him an Opportunity of improving hia 
« Manners by obtaining the Polifh of Franct^ ar- 
<< rived there with a Number of Domefticks. He» 
<< had a Bill of Credit for ten thoufand Crowns- 
'< drawn on a Banker, who had enrich'd himfelf ia 
*« the Service of that Houfe, probably in the Pod 
** of a Steward. This complaifant and refpecSlful 
*' Perfon being informed by Letter of the Arrival 
•' of the Son of his old Mafter, waited with Impa- 
** tience to give him an Apartment in his owa 
*' Houfe, which was a very magnificent Edifice 
** But the young Count, knowing^ that he was old, 
<< and from thence judging that his Difpofition 
" could not be very agreeable to one of his Age, 
<< did not think proper to alight at the Banker's ; 
<< but took a furniih'd Apartment, as a Place in 
<< which without minding any Body, he might 
^< freely enjoy his Liberty in the mod agreeable 
•' Manner. A young Officer of a noble Familj 
<< had alfo taken Lodgings in the fame Houfe ; but 
'« his ordinary Refidence was in any Part of the 
** Town where he knew there were pretty Girls* 
^^ He was brifk, fptightly, and had an inexhauftible 
^< Source of Humour, and in one Word, filled up 
^' with great Dignity the Station of a Mufqueteer. 
«' He foon took Notice of our German Count, and 
<< remarking he had ftill the Ruft of his ancient- 
<< Teutmic Caftle, he refolved to ^give him fome 
<^ Leilbns of Debauchery. 

« The 



t 



a64 . rite M I D W I F E. 

<< The young Hobewloe on becoming the MuF- 
« queteer's Pupil, made a rapid Progrefs in a little 
« Time. What an edifying School ! The Muf- 
« queteer initiated him into the Myfteriet of what 
^< he called true Science, by teaching him the Man- 
*< ner of anfwering to fome Purpofc the Calls of 
** indulgent Nature. Mufick, Shews, Plays, ex* 
^< cellent Wine, handfome Women, could not fail 
<« of rendering thefe Calls more frequent and more 
<^ agreeable to Perfons of fuch exalted Intelleds. 
«< The young Count, who admired the Mufqueteer 
<< as one of the greateft Men that had ever appeared 
** upon Earth, (for the Germans are in Love with 
*' thofe of an exalted Genius :) the young Count, 
** I fay, who advanced in the Courfe which his 
«' Matter had fet before him with the Strides of a 
^< Giant, had no other than die fame Taftes and 
*' the fame Inclinations. The Preceptor, af- 
*« ter a ferious Application on the Thefes of what 
^< is eflentially beautiful, invented a Coat in a new 
*< Tafte, and the Difciple had like to have thrown 
« his Taylor out of the Window, becaufe he 
*« brought home one which was not exadly like that 
** of his illuftrious Pedagogue. The Mufqueteer 
** had a Miftrefs of about nineteen Years old, 
<« brown, of a fmall Stature, briflc and lively. The 
<< German preparing himfelf to love with all his 
" Might, fearch'd the Middle and all the four 
*« Corners of Paris ^ to obtain a Miftrefs who per- 
** fcftly refembled her i but not being able to find 

*• one. 



ne MIDWIFE. 265 

<< one, his Regard for his Mafter encreafed to fuch 
*^ a Degree, as render'd them infeparable. But 
^< alas ! it became neceflary for them to part ; he 
^< died, and the Mufqueteer had not the leaft In« 
*< dination to follow him. 

<« The Count Hohenloe on his Death-bed, gave 
^< the Mufqueteer his Letter-cafe, and the Keys of 
<* his Chefts to deliver them to his Banker, whom 
^< the Infatuation of his Pleafures had prevented 
*< him from feeing. He had made no Ufe of his 
<< Bills of Credit, as Death had not given him Time 
<< to fpend the ready Money he had brought with 
*« him. The poor young Man having given his 
** laft Sigh,^ the Mufqueteer made the neceflary 
** Preparations for his Funeral. While Things 
** were in this Situation, there arrived two Englijh 
•< Noblemen at the fame Houfe. They were pla- 
*< ced in a Chamber adjoining to that in which the 
<< dead Body was laid, and out of which it had been 
** removed. They could only allow one Bed for 
<' them both, all the others beipg engaged ; but as 
** the Weather was cold, and they were Friends^ 

they made no Difficulty of lying together. 

** In the middle of the Night, one of the two 

not being able to fleep, and growing weary of 
<< his Bed, arofe in order to amufe himfelf in the 
<( Kitchen, where he heard fome People talking^ 
<^ He had diverted himfelf there for fome Time, 
^< when being willing to return from whence he 
^< came, he again went up Stairs, but inflead of 
^ entering his own Chamber, went into that of tbf 

Y ' «de- 



cc 



cc 



t66 rit^ M I D W I F E. 

** deccafed Count, over whofc Face they had only 
*< thrown a Cloth. There is not fo much Cere- 
<« ihony ufed in France in the Management of 
^* their Dead as in England and Germany ; for 
•< they are there fatisfied With Shewing their Af- 
** feftion to the Living. The Englijh Noble- 
'^ man having put out his Candle, laid down 
«< boldly by the Defunft : When creeping as clofe 
<* to him as pdf&ble, in order to warm himfelf, 
'< and fifiding his Bedfellow colder than he, he 
<< began to mutter. What the Devil's the Matter, 
•* my Friend, faid he, you arc as cold as Ice \ 
** ni lay a Wager, numbed as you are, you 
** would have been warm enough if you had but 
** feen the pretty Girl that is below Stairs. Come, 
•« you may take my Word for it, added he,"pull- 
•* ing him by the Arm ; come, Zounds flir, Dl 
*' engage you fliall have her for a Guinea. While 
•« he was holding this fine Converfation with the 
•* Dead, who, detached from the Things of this 
** World, did not even give himfelf the Trouble 
«* of making him a Reply ; his Chamber Door 
« Was opened, which made him raife his Head 
** from the Pillow to fee who was coming in, 
** Bdt judge what muft be his Surprife, when he 
** faw a Servant lighting in a Joiner, who car- 
** ried a CofEn on 'his Shoulders ! He thought at 
*« firft that he had been in a Dream ; but look- 
** ing about him, and feeing the Vifage of one 
'*• who had not fpoke a Word, a Vifage over- 
*« {\)read with a mortal Palenefs, he made but one 
^< Jump from the Bed. into the middle of the 

" Cham- 



ne MIDWIFE. 267 

'< Chamber. The Joiner and the Maid were 
*« immediately perfuaded that it was the Corpfe, 
5* who being unwilling to be fhut up in the Cof* 
•* fin, was now playing its Gambols. Their Legs 
** were unable to move with a Swiftnefs pro- 
*' portionable to their Fear ; and the Joiner, 
*« Maid, Coffin, and Candleftick, roll'd one 
•* over another, from the Top of the Stairs down 
*' into the Kitchen, Zoons, What are you all 
«' about? cried the Landlofd : What is the De- 
** vil flying away with the dead Man ? Mercy on 
*^ us ! cry*d the Maid, quite Chap-fallen, it is 
** rather the dead Man that would run away with 
** us. I am the Son of a Bitch, faid the Joiner, 
<• if that dead Man there, has any more Occa- 
^< fion for a Coffia than I have ; why he is g9t 
<< into the middle of the Room, and has juft 
*« ftruck up a Hornpipe. The Devil he has ! cry'd 
<< the Landlord, taking a Light, faith we'll fooa 
" fee that. 

*' While all the Family were trembling and get- 
<* ting ready to follow the Mafter of the Houft, 
i« the £//^///2> Nobleman, who bad found ag^in. 
<< his Chamber, had flipt into Bed, quite out pf 
<' Breath : And his Friend having afk'd hii;ni 
<< where he had been, he told hioi that he. had 
<5 juft been lying with a dead Body. 'Sblood ! ,a 
^< dead Body ! it bad perhaps the Plague, ^ri^d 
^' he, jumping in his Turn out of Bed, and n|Q- 
*' ning to the Door to call for a Dght. The 

Y 2. *«^Laiid- 



/ 



a68 ne MIDWIFE. 

^^ Landlord, the Lady, and Servants, who were 

« paffiog thro' the Gallery, no fooner faw him) 

^* than they imaguied that it was the Dead who ap- 

^< peared again. What Confufion ! What Shriek! 

•* What Clamours ! The Englijbman terrified at 

^^ the hideous Noife, run into his Room and ilip'd 

^* into Bed to his Companion, without the 1^ 

*< Fear of catching the Plague. In the mean 

*^ Time an honeft Country Prieft, who lodged in 

*< the Inn, got up, and appeared armed with 

^< Holy Water, and a long Broom inftead of a 

*^ little Brufh. He made his Afperfions, and the 

** Conjurations prefcribed by the Romijb Church, 

^^ and conducted, by Way of Proceffion, the 

^' terrified trembling People into the Chamber of 

*^ the Defund, who, thinking no Harm, lay 

^* quietly in Bed. The Prieft was inftantly re- 

^' garded as a Saint, who had bound the Corpfe 

** to its good Behaviour, and prevented its being 
•* refradlory. 

** The Mufqueteer arrived at the Time appoint- 
** ed for the Funeral. Twenty Voices at a Time 
^* related to him the dead Man's Behaviour in the 
^* Night, And he was of too humorous a Difpo- 
^^ fition not to ftrengthen ftill more the frightful 
^* Ideas they had imbibed. 

** The Funeral being performed, and the Prieft, 
^* Sexton, Servants, and Landlord paid, the Muf- 
*• queteer went two Days after to pay a Vifit to 
<< the Banker* He fent in Word that he came 



Tie M I D W I F ]^. z€g 

«« by Defire of the Coun|: de Hohenke^ as it yr^ 
** natural he (hould, to deliver up his Effefisr 
<< but the gpod Man underftood that this was tha^ 
*« young Lord himfelf. He hgd been extremely 
«' impatient to fee him, ^ we m^y eafily imaging 
** with what tender Eagernefs he ran to the Per^ 
'^ fon he took for l^im,. as well 9s the Aftonifljir 
** ment of the Mufquetcer, to find himfelf ftifle^^ 
** in the Arms of the old Man, whom he fufpeSe^^ 
** of being arrived at his Yjears of Potag.e.. Wh|if 
^' a firange Incident ! He at laft difcavered tl^^ 
'^ Ba;iki^r was vnder a Mifiake,. and had take^ 
'' him for the Count : On which he refolved V> 
^^ perfonate him, ^nd to form his Behaviour on th^ 
*' Error of the People of the Inn, as to bis fte- 
*' turn from tlie other World. Quick,, cried the 
*' Banker, a Seat for my Lord the Count. Adfbud I 
^' how old you make me, added he » when I left 
" my Lord your Father's Court, you was but 
*' juft fo high. Pray, dear my Lord, fit in that eafy 
*' Chair. It is no Matter^ faid the Mufqueteer„ 
'' for I niuft return back into the other Worlds 
« Wliat do you mean ? ^id the good Man, have 
you a Mind to joke with me ? My Dear, have 
you given Orders for their bringing a Bottle of 
*-* Champaign, for us to be drinking while we 
*• wait for Supper ? Sir, faid the Mufqueteer, in- 
*^ terrupting him in a dejeflied Air, the Dead 
*< don't drink^ and I have drank fo much, while 
** I was alive, that I am to fufFer the Penance of 
*' not drinking now I am dead ! Odilicart ! cried! 

Y a ^ thft 



4( 
4( 



cc 



270 The M I D W I F E. 

*• the good Man, I fee very well that my Lord 
the Count is a W^, for he has a Mind to 
perfuade me that he is dead, and then to rally 
^^ me for believing it. Come, come, continued 
*< he, let me {hew you the Appartment I have 
*^ prepared for you. Alas! Sir, replied the pre- 
** tended Count, I have one in St. Eufiach^s 
*< Churchyard, where I am buried. But really 
*^ now, faid the Banker, What is the Meaning 
'^ of all this i Pray put an Eiid to this diiagreeable 
•* Rallery, and tafte the Wine. Upon my Con- 
** fcience I cannot, replied the falfe Hohenloej the 
*< Dead, as I have told you, have loft all Relifh 
«« for it. 

** The Banker's Wife, who had laid by her 
*« Work, and thro' her SpeSacles was examining 
•< with Feiar and Trembling the pretended Spirit, 
<< faid in a low Voice, I have heard a great deal about 
*< Apparitions, if this fhould be one 1» My Dear, 
*« I know better, replied the old Man, with a 
** good deal of Confufion. Yes, Sir, refumed 
*< the Mufqueteer, I died in the City of Rouen^ 
•* at a Houfe near the New Bridge, and am bu- 
•< ried in St. Euftacheh Churchyard. If you de- 
<< fire a fuller Proof of it, her^ is my Letter-Cafe, 
•• which I have brought with me, with a Bill of 
<* Credit for ten thoufand Crowns. Here is alfo 
« a Purfe, in which there are thirty Louis d'Ors. 
" You muft be fenfible that a young Man, if he 
** was not dead, would not tender you this Mo- 
** ney, fince that is a Thing he can never hav 

«c to 



^ 



rbe MIDWIFE. 27^ 

<< too much of: But at prefent, inftead of Mo- 
*« ney. Wine and Women, (who are very hand* 
<< fome at Paris) I have occaflon for nothing but 
«* Prayers. 

« At thefe Words the pretended Deceafed made 
<< his Efcape from the Banker, who almoft refolv* 
^* ed to run after him, and was left in very great 
<« Aftonifhment at fuch a Vifit. As to the Wife^ 
*< (he was extremely terrified, (he maintained that 
^< they had been taJking with a Spirit, and con* 
<< firmed this Opinion by afierting, that when he 
<* went out, he had Eyes of Fire. The Banker, 
«< on his Side, infifted upon it that his Wife was 
<< a Fool ; and that by fome Accident or other, 
^< unknown to him, the Count had loft his Senfes : 
*< And therefore to fatisfy himfelf in this Point, 
<< went to get better Information at the City of 
** Rouen. 

<< As foon as he arrived at ^e Place, he afked the 
^< Miftrefs of the Houfe to tell him where he might 
<*. fee the Count ^^ J%^^;z/9/. Alas! replied fhe, in a 
^* doleful Tone, he is dead, and is buried at St. Eu* 
*< Jiach^. At the Word Eufiachey the Bank erftar ted, 
<< and continued (hrunk all of a Heap; but at laft 
*< recovering himfelf, he followed the good Woman 
*< into the Chamber where the Deceafed had been 
<< laid, when the firft Thing that ftruck his Sight, 
<< was a Coat like that in which the Mufqueteer 
<' had appeared at his Houfe, and which the young 
^' Count had ordered to be made in Imitation of 
<< it. There needed no more to convince the 

*« Ban- 



172 ^^ M I D W I F E. 

«< Banker dnt the Count wit really dead. Blefs 
<^ me ! Madam» faid he to the Landlady, look \ 
** fee I there's the Coat be had on when he came 
« to bring me this Letter-Cafe and thefe Keys. 
** O Lord ha'Mercy! cry'd Ae, joining her 
<< Hands, he walks ftiil then. The poor young 
«( Man fuffers forely, ay, and TU warrant has 
'< great Need of Prayers* It is thefe curfed Ladies 
<< of Paris that have thruft htm into Purgatory* 
<« Explain yourfelf. Madam, faid the old Man, 
<< Did he appear in your Houfe as well as in mine f 
*• Appear ! ay marry did he, replied the Ho- 
** ftefs ; why we realiy thought that the Evening 
'< before he was buried, he would have turned 
«< the Houfe upfide down, and that we fiiould ne* 
** ver be able to get him into his Grave. 

** The Banker no fooner returned home, than 
•* finking into an armed Chair, he continued look- 
*' ing wildly at his Wife. She was terrified, and 
** did not ceafc importuning him with her Que- 
*« ftions. At laft he cried out. There is nothipg 
^< more true than that be is dead, and walks about 
•« every where. I have feen the Coat he had on 
** when he came here. Oh ! Oh ! cried the 
•• Banker's Wife, fceking for her Gloves and her 
«« MufF, no longer will I ftay in this Houfe. I ! 
<< I Aay in a Houfe that is haunted by dead Ghofts f 
•« No, Sir, don't think any fuch Matter : Thefe 
** are the Vifits that your fine Acquaintance with 
^ the Lords of Hobenloi have brought upon you. 

« Thi* 



7be MIDWIFE. 273 

<< This faid, (he ran to communicate her Fears 
<< and Apprehenfions to a Neighbour. The Mi* 
<< firefs of the Lodging, on her Side, fet up her 
<< Throat againft her Hufband, telling him that 
cc (he would ftay no longer in a Houfe where fhe 
c( was expofed to the Infults of the Dead, and that 
*< all their Cuftomers would go and lodge elfe* 
*• where ; for as how, they would not care to 
<< have a Ghoft live amongft them, or make a 
«* Jeft of them by his Frolics. As to the Muf- 
'* queteer he huggM himfelf, and it was comical 
<^ enough to fee him enquire coolly into the Cir- 
<< cumftances of an AiFair of which he was the 
<^ Hero; taking Care, however, not to appear 
«« before the Banker." 

This Story, Sir, you will do me the Favour to 
read to the learned Do£tors of the Sorbonne^ and 
to the Members of all your Academies ; and fig* 
nify to them at the fame Time, that, as I take 
Pleafure in cultivating the Sciences, and propagat- 
ing Learning in general, I fhall be always ready to 
move the Rubs out of their Road, and folve any 
Difficulties they meet with in the Courfe of their 
Studies. But they need not fend over a Courier 
on Purpofe, as they have done in this Cafe, for I 
can as well tranfmit my Opinion by the Poft. 

Tour bumble Servant in a modejl Way^ 

Mary Midnight. 



r* 



a74 S**' MIDWIFE. 

r ■ 

To Mrs. Mary Mi d n- i g h t. 

Madam, 

I HAVE fent you a Specimen of a Poem in 
Praife of Hackney'^ which is the Work of an 
eminent Pen-man in Shore-ditch. I efteem the 
whole Piece to be a great Honour to the Language, 
and a fingular Inftance to what ftupendous Heights 
iinaffifted Genius can foar. I will not abfolutel^ 
affirm, that the iFour following Lines are better 
than any in ^Shakejptary but I am pofitive they 
are as good ; pleafe to obferve 

Hackney^ thy Glory thy own Lips fhaJl tell ; 
^^itnefs a Daljione and a Shackhwelly 
And Hummerton^ and Clapton do declare, 
The many Country-Seats that THERE are there. 

I muft beg Leave to point out the Beauties of 
thefe Verfes one by one, for taken colledtively 
they (hinc with fuch a refulgent Glare, that they 
adually dazzle the Imagination:— -And firft, not to 
mention a Word of the Numerofity of the Lines, the 
Mufick of which, is fo delectable, we have a bolder 
Figure, than has yet been known in Rhetoric; 
Daljione and Shacklewell are elegantly call'd the 
Lips of Hackney^ whofe Glories they are naturally 
employ 'd in celebrating. 

Hackney^ thy Glory thy own Lips (hall tell, 
Witnefs a Daljione and a ShacklewelL 

What 



^Tbe MIDWIFE. 275 

What is this but -td equal, or rather excel both 
Orpheus 2,nd. jtm^hien^ who indeed made Stocks 
and Stc^hes dance Hornpipes, but never <:ou'd ar- 
rhfe to the Perfe<Siion of making them fpeak^ a». 
our inimitable Bard has done in this ex^uifiDe 
Couplet ; but let us proceed to the third Line, ia 
which there are fuch a PoiTc; of Excellencies, that 
they really confound the Underftanding, 

' And Hummer ton and Clapton do declare, 

DeleSfus verborum origo eji Eloquentta _ {(9f9 
Cafar) a judicious Choice of Words is the Origin 
of Eloquence. -If the Author had fearched the 
whole Globe, he cou'd not have found out a 
more fonorous Word for the Name of a Place than 
Hummerton ; a Word that ought to be fet to Mu- 
fick, and is worthier to be fung than faid. The 
Greeks valued themfelves, upon the Sweetnefe, Full^ 
nefs and (to ufc Horace*$ Word) the Rotundity of 
their Language 

Graios dedit ore Rotundo 



Mufa loquu 

And yet what is ®»>^», and what is Aftiyan, the 
Names of Thebes and Athens^ their two chief Ci- 
ties in Point of Dignity and Magnificence with the 
high-founding Hummerton? Much might be faid 
in Behalf of Chpton^ but we will wave that for 
the prefent, and proceed to the condufivc Part of 
the Verfc^ -— —- 

Do diclarg^ 

Now 



176 «^ MID W I F E. 

Now a commoQ Writer wou'd have been con* 
tented with the fimple Word declarij but our 
Shorsditch Genius knew better Things.— -Air 
adds die expreffive £nergjr of the Particle do, which 
pves incredible Force to the Sentiment— /&mm^- 
tm and Clapton don't make a iimple unornamented 
Declaration, but they really, afiwedly, ipfefaHo^ 
bond fidij without Equivocation, mental Referva- 
tion, or any Evafion ^atfoever, do declare pofi- 
lively, comparatively, and fuperlatively, that— — 
what? 

The many Country Seats that there are there. 

—-Which being the lafl Lines in the Specimen ; I 
muft unavoidably conclude with it.-— I fhall not in« 
fift upon the Merit of the prior Hemiftich in this 
Verfe, becaufe what is Self-evident can need no 
Expofition — But as for the laft, namely. 

That there are there——* 

There certainly were never four Monofyllables af- 
fembled together to fuch admirable and expreilive 
Purpofes. Here we have the Rhime like a two* 
edged Sword in utrumque paratus^ backwards or 
forwards— upwards or downwards: There on 
this Side, and there on t'other Sidfe — The Twin 
Rivals, or the hapj>y Pair ! — Amafing Dexterity ! 
Inconceivable Elegance ! Bring me Oceans of 
Ink — bring me Reams of Paper ! Or rather bring 
me Two-pence to purchafe the Whole of this ad- 
mirdbk Performance) fox that ia aU the modeft Au- 



7be MIDWIFE. 277 

thor requires for it, tho' its intrinfic Value be in- 

cftimable, ^ 

/ anif Dear Madam^ 

your moft humble Servant^ 

George Pilkinton. 
Deputy — Vice^'-'AJftftant to the Under - Sexton of 

Shore-ditch. * 



CARE and GENEROSITYj 
A FABLE. 

By Mrs. Midnight* 

OL D Care with Induftry and Art, 
At length fo well had play'd his Part ; 
He heap'd up fuch an ample Store, 
That Av'rice cou'd not figh for more : 
Ten tboufand Flocks his Shepherd told. 
His Coffiws overflowed with Gold 5 
The Land all round him was his own. 
With Corn his crouded Granaries groan* 
In fhort fo vaft his Charge and Gain, 
That to pofl'efs them was a Pain ; 
With Happinefs opprefs'd he lies. 
And much too prudent to be wife. 
Near him there liv'd a beauteous Maid, 
With all the Charms of Youth array'd ; 
Good, amiable, fincere and free, 
Her Name was Generoftty. 
'Twas hers the Largefs to beftow 
On Rich and Poor, on Friend and Foe. 
Her Doors to all were open'd wide, 
The Pilgrim there might fafe abide : 

Z For 



%^t The MIDWIFE. 

For th' hungry and the ihirfly^.Creyr, . 

The Bread flie broke, the Drink (b«4«ewi 

There Sicknefs laid her aciiiog Head,. 

And there Diftreis couM find g Bed.— 

Each Hour with an all- bounteous Hand, 

DiiFuf6d.Ae Ble^ngs round the Land : 

Her Gifts and Glory jafled long. 

And numerous was th* accepting Throng. 

At length pale Penury feiz'd the Dame^ - 

And Fortune fled, and Ruin came ; 

i)hc found her Riches at an End, ... 

And that fhe had nqjt niade one Fi;iend.«— 

All curfed her for ftot Igivlng more^ 

Nor thought. on vvjiat fce'<i- don« before; 

She wept, Ihe rav'd, flie tore her Hair, 

When lo! to comfort her came Ctfr^,— 

And ccy*d, my dear, if you wiH jcAa«- ■''■ - 

Your Hand in nuptial Bonds ^th rtlinei 

All will be we!i-i--you fliaH have Store, 

And I be pjagu'd with Wealth no more.-^ 

Tho* I reftrain your bounteous Heart, 

You ftlll (hall aft the generous Part.— . 

7'he Bridal came— great was the Feaft, 

And good the Pudding and the Prieft ; 

The Bride in nine Moon's brought him forth : 

A little Maid of matchlefs Worth : 

Her Face was mixt of Care and Glee^ 

They Chriften'd her Oeconomy ; 

And ftyl'd her fair Difcretion's Queen, 

The Miftrefs of the golden Mean. 

Now Generoftty confin'd^ 

Is perfeft eafy in her Mind ; 

She loves to give, yet knows to fpare. 

Nor wifhcs to be free from Care. 



Con* 



The MIDWIFE. 279 

Conclufion of the Adventures oj 
Mejfrs. Inclination and Ability. 

TJERCULES having again obtained a great 
Fortune, retired into the Country, where he 
bought a very fine Eftate, and where, for his own 
Amufement, and for the Benefit of his poor Neigh- 
bours, he ftudied Phyfic, with great Diligence^ 
and pra£tifed it with a Succefs which was adequate 
to that Diligence.— ^r/w, you may be fure, muft 
be dabbling, and fo turn'd Mountebank, to the E- 
molument of the Undertakers, the Increafe of the 
Weekly Bills, and Deftruftion of Mankind, — — 
Ifgrim had puff'd himfelf into fome Reputation, 
before he began to pra<Slife ; and the very firft Pa- 
tient he had was a Perfon of great Eminence, 
which was the Occafion of a good Repartee made 
to him one Day in the Temple Exchange Coffee^ 
Houfe, '•'^'^ Ifgrim was glorying that he got Fifty 
Guineas by his firft Patient; Mr , CxitiQ Catchup 

cry*d out. Sir, you got a great deal more ^-Not 

a Jot more, I afllire you, fays Ifgrim^ I fcorn to 

brag Aye but you did, replies Catchups 

You got a Hatband^ a Ringy a Pair of Gloves and 
a Scarf 

The next Charafter in Life Ability chofe to af- 
fume was that of a Painter, and an admirable one 
he was, for all Frank Haynianh Piftures were of 
his doing — — Inclination^ of Courfe, became a 

Z 2 Dauber, 



28o ne MIDWIFE. 

Dauber, and the following Story which has been 
Cold of others is only true of him. 

A certain Nobleman, 'having built a Chapel, 
had a Mind the Stair-cafe leading to it fbou'd be or- 
namented with fome Scripture-hiftory, — which 
he at laft determined fhould be the Children of If- 
rael pafling thro' the Red Sea, and the Egyptians 

purfuing them Ifgrim was employed upon this 

Occafion and fell to work immediately 5 and 

after he had daub'd the W^l from Top to Bot- 
tom with red Paint, he call'd to his Lordihip, and 
told him the Work was done ■ Done ! quoth 
the Peer — What's done ? Where are the Children 
of Ifrael? My Lord, they are all gpne over, re- 
plies Ifgrim--^ " But, Zounds, where are the E^ 
•' gyptians then ! ** They are drown'd, rejoin'd 
Ifgrim^ to a Man.— — Thefe are all the Adven- 
tures of the two Brothers communicable at prefent 
— — for Jhility is gone abroad upon his Travels, 
but has promifed me his Correfpondence — — ' As 
for Ifgrim^ he is to be met with at any time at Mr. 
TVouMe^Sy 2. Gold-beater, at the Cork and Feather^ 
in Blowhladder-Jhreet^ 

M, Midnight. 



rhi 



Vitf MIDWIFE. 281 

TJ^ Midwife's Politicks : Or, Gojfip* 5 Chre-- 

nick of the Affairs of Europe. 

Spain. 

ON E of the Points difcufling between Mr. Keene and 
the Spanifh Minifiry, is the Right the Englifh claim to 
cut Logwood in the Bay of Campeachy ; which will be 
difBcult to adjufl : For Don Enfenada is not fuch an old 
Wom^ as to give us any favourable Conceflion in this 
Refped, at a Time when he is fortifying the I/land of 
Rattan, where our brave Admiral Vernon made a Settle- 
ment for Englifhmcn, who it feems have left it for thq 
j&paniardi. 

Italy. 
The poor Genoefe continue in a very bad Situation, 
for though the Valley of Polfevcra could boaft of hav- 
ing 1 8,000 Inhabitants before the Auftrian Invaiion ia 
1 746, at prefent they are reduced to 4000 ; the Repub« 
lie 19 extremely poor, and may be at laft tempted to alie- 
nate Corfica for another Regality to the Houfe of Bour* 
bon. A terrible Earthquake has happened in feveral 
Parts of Italy ; particularly at Gualdo in the Ecclefi- 
aftical State, where two thirds of the City are deftroy- 
ed ; and at Palermo in Sicily^ where the Damage is com* 
putcd at upwards of 150,000 Crowns. 

France. 
It is whifpered in the Coffee houfes of Paris, and fome 
make no Scruple to talk openly, of a Deflinacion of the 
Brefl Squadron, which was little thought of. M. du Per» 
ricr, fay they, when he comes off Lifbon, is to make di« 
fedlly for the Azores, where he is to open his Orders, 
and join fifteen Ships ready built at Canada ; whom he 
is to man with his Complements^ which, for that Rea« 

fon 



282 The M ID W I F E. 

fon have been doubled : From thence he is to fail to the 
Coaft of Coromandel, and there eflabliOi a deciiive Sa- 
periority of Strength, fuch as, upon a Rupture with 
the Engliih, will carry the Settlements of that Nation 
before them : j^/I fwbicb may be too true. 

Germany. 
According to Advices from Hanover they feem to be 
pretty pofitive that his Britannic Majefly will go over 
early next Spring, in order to accelerate by his Pre- 
fence the EledUon of the Archduke Jofeph, to the Dig- 
nity of King of the Romans : Indeed, England cannot 
-afford to continue her Scenes of Liberality on the Coa« 
:tinent ; but if this falutary Work can be efie£ted, it will 
be well worth the laying out a Million in opposition to 
France. 

Sweden and Russia. 

The Ra0ian Army confifts of 200,000 effedlive Men^ 
ready to take the Field; 160,000 of which are Foot, 
and 40,000 Horfe, befides Calmucks, Coflacks, and the 
Militia of the Country : The Fleet alfo confifts of 80 
Men of War and Frigates, exclufive of Gallies and lef-< 
fer Vefleb, which are returned into Port ; and every 
Thing tending to the Continuance of a Pacification with 
Sweden, is to be mutually difcovered at the Courts of 
Peterfburgh and Stockholm. 

T U R K Y, 

Above 70,000 People have been already deftroyed by 
the Plague in Conllantinoplc, and the neighbouring 
Iflands : They have alfo fufFered a dreadful Conflagra- 
tion at the Porte, by which 4000 lioufes were laid in 
Afhes ; ai)d their Commerce mud be interrupted by the 
Orders for all Ships coming from the Levant, perform- 
in]; Quarantine in Great-Britain and Holland. 

For 



A 'Penny fav^d is a Penny got : Or, a Word of Ad" 

vi££ to the Oecomnufis. 

NOtwithftanding Oeconomy is often a fofter Term 
only for Litthnefs ofSoul^ yet taken in its true 
and genuine Senf& it is an admirable Virtue, as I - have 
fhewR- in my Fal)te of Care and Generojtty ; the Moral 
of whichy I hope, will be duly attended to by all Gentle- 
men who are inclined to keep within Compafs, and all 
Ladies who wou'd be good Hoofewives. To fuch then 
'Bz it ilinoton, that 'till the Fourteenth of Odlober next 
^nfuingy any Number of the feeond Volume of my Ma- 
gazine may be had for the trivial Expence of Three* 
Pence : -*- But after that Time, no Number either of the 
"fif^ or feeond Volume, can be purchafedt under Four- 
Fence ; and this by the Defire of feveral Thoufands of 
my Friends, who have done me the Honour to remark, 
THAT MINE IS THE ONLY BOOK EVER PUB- 
LISHED WHICH ALL THE PURCHASERS 
COMPLAINTTWAS TOO CHEAP. 

' Nullum numen aheft^ fi fit Prudentia» 

Mary Midnight. 

For the- Benefit of M a n k i n d. 



Advertifement. 

WHEREAS the Carpenters and Joiners of a Fook 
lately publifh'd, Entitaled, T<^t QuARrERLY Beb, 
have made free with Mrs. MUnight^ Property, and very 
injudicioufly mix'd her Honey with their Muftardj this 
is to inform the Pubiick, That fpeedily will be pabliih^d 
a Work of the fame Nature with theirs* which for the 
Sake of Propriety, and in Imitation of them, I ihall 
entitle and call, The Quarterly Ox. Gentlemen and 
Ladies who are willing to fubfcribe, are defired to fend 
their Names to Francis Fleece, at the Sign of the BuU^ 
in Blunderbull Street^ and they fhall be taken in. 



Susannah SsRiova* 



A N- 

INDEX 

T O T H E 

Second Volume* 

A. 

ADventnres of a very Dnfortunate Tye-Wig — — x 

jSkxattder Robinfon, Efq; to Mr. Edw, Smith T20 

Adventures of Inclination and Ability • 149 

continued . .._ 220 

continued . . 279 

Any Body ^ humble Petition of . 156 

Account of a Mill to grind old Folks young . 171 
Attempt to prove the fair Sex have every Qualification necef- 

fary for Learning ■ ■ 

Advertifcnoentj from Mrs. Midnight ■■ 

B. 

Bundle Juftice, his Charge to the Grand Jury ■ loz 

Brevity, on the Merit of — — 254 

BaUuftce-beam, to Af Midnight ■■■ > 179 

Bujhequius, Extnifl J rem ■ ' ■ 177 

C. 

Country Juftice, a true Story - ■ J5 

Crambo- Song, by Mrs. il^/Vir/^/'/'s Nephew — — 31 

Certificate, to prevrtil Difputes about the Naturalixation-Bill 54 

CrAmbo-Song, on Mifs Scat ■ ■ 109 

Cafes remarkable — — i^j 

Cz/«7 //7///rfiw, Dr. of Phyfic, Cafe of — 1^^ 
Comical Cafes — — — 195 
Coxeter Sufannab, her Propofals for expelling all Party Prin- 
ciples, G^^. from our Univerfities, Churches, and Reli- 
gious AHemblies 215 

Contents of a Chapter, which will be wrote in an Hiftcry of 

England in the Year 1931 ' 145 

Difi*ertation on the Perpetual Notion — _ ^7 

— — — — on three old -E//t/^-> Rules _ 212 

on Earthquakes • 53 

E. 

Epigram from the Greek — 38 

— on a certain Scribbler ■■ ■■ — 118 

Another — — zzz 



ifci 



An INDEX to the Sscond Volumi. 

Bflay on Love ■ - ..— X3I 

£xtra£l from the Voyage to Brobdingnag _ 15s 

Elegy-writing, Thoughts on ■ ■ — • %y 

F. 

Tlorimely a Song ■' — — X7X 

Fumbietext Richard, Cafe of ■ ■ 1 73 

Family, Thoughts on _ ■ 177 

G. 

Good Luck, Method to procure it — i ■ 94 

Glover Mr. his Speech to the Court je£ Aldermen •— 70 

Gallantry Uni'verfal, Specimen of ■ 115 
Grefijam Callege, to Keeper of -— . — .151 

GulUvery Extra A from Ixis Will — _. '53 

Guilford'MlUer, Letter from — — - — 293 

Gaming among the Ladies of Quality ^ 205 

H. 

Horace, Imitation of _ ■ 1 53 

I. 

Itch of Scribbling, prov'd catching ■ aj 

yackboot, an Eifay in the Manner of the Modems - ■ ■ 116^ 

Ignorant the. Office for ■ ■ " 136 

Jollity, an Ode — — — . — j^j 

^tf^f/Az, her Letter againft Duelling — — 263 

Laws of Converfation — 22S 

Letter from an amorous Cantab, to a Chandlers Daughter 212 

Love-letter modern, from the W — r Office — 123 

Letter to Mrs. Midnight — — 2^^ 

Another __ ■ — . 'jj-j 

Little Lighterman, a Ballad, Remarks on •* '297' 

Little Elevators in Poetry, to — — 80 

M. 
Maid-Servant, Letter to, containing a ufeful Le0bn to Per- 

fons in that Stations — j 

Midnight Mrs. to the College of PhyHcians, proving that old 

Women ajid Nature are their greateft Enemies -«v , X^ 

... — ' Her Letter (o the Ghoft of ^exander the Great 29 • 

^ — — —- To the Governors of the Foundling-Hofpitai ■ §6- 

— Her Account of her own Abilities . 2*8 

To her Readers ■ 280 

Her Politicks — ^ — . 

■ Continued — ^^ 

— ' -- Continued — — 

■ Continued — • — 

————— Continued — — — ^^ 
---—-—----——— Continued — — 

Aiifs H» P, in an Apothccary^s Shop, to —7- j|& 

Mcc^iat, to »» .^ *» «. jJT 







rlNDEX to-tte Second yoLVAfr. 

illfiWtf/ imitated -: ■ _ 177- 

Sfenoin of a Pamphlet refiefHng on the Mifs G- — £ » 22S 

'Mathematical Defcriptioff of the Mill at Guilford — 194 

O. 
Ob a Lady's Garter dropt in St. Paul^ Church, at the Rc- 

hearfal of the Mufic for the Sons of the Clergy I la 

P. 

Phyfidan and Monkey, an Epigram . 69 

^Ower of Ein'OCence^ a Song - — 1 1 r 

f^, Mr7 Verfes by — _»_ ■ 169 

I^Rdifliona of ah Author — -^ 145 

Poets- and Criticks, to .— ^ ■ 174 

-PsM^, anEpfgram — — ^ 236 

Btcjudiceslioneft, Collcflion of -*— — 52 

^hieftiony for the Robin-Hood Society — • — 2x9 

R. 

JBLamhlcr, to ■ ■ — «— 10 

The fame — , —. 81 

.1. The fame .— — •« joj. 

-i The fame — — — 358 

Reflexions on.the State of the Stage ■ 74 

OH Matrimony — — — 99 

S. 

Song, to Mifs A n — ». ^6 
S^mon Langbam, an Author at the B/ue-PoJfs, to -— 48 

^hemt {qt iBiU of Annihilation — .. ^7 

Silent Fair, a Song — — j68 

T-. 

-i^ogs to be laugh'd at — -i- ^a 

jt^'fff, the wife Inhabitants of, to — — 6r 

. IV0 fine-Gentlemen difputing on Religion ■ f 80 

^ 'Tteafonable Song — — — •- 107 

Vtl- • V. 

■ 'Verfes in z London Church-yard — — 5^ 

Vataxion, Defcription of — — — 126 

J^aircy his Opinion of Hudibras — - — 35 

- • Warehoufe of IntcHigence — • — — 130 

. ^jford or tw<^ to whom it may concern — — 22a 

■ vn^ether Honey or Muftard be bcil to oil a ManVWig 219 



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